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Don't want to die alone.


HJNosyt

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Basically, I want a romantic relationship, but I look back on my 16 years of life, and can't tell you when I had a crush..

 

To me, romance = friendship + sensuality. Whilst I do feel this, I don't feel these strong feelings like everyone else says. I also don't know if these feelings are true.

 

I'm shit scared of dying alone.

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I have had similar fears after I lost big parts of my family. I think it is an existential fear that everyone has, who craves companionship, be that friendship, romantic or sexual or all 3 mixed together. 
The way I tackled this, was in multiple ways, and some of them may sound a bit harsh, so please take them with a pinch of salt and not as gospel ;):
1. Being capable of sexual attraction or relationships does not mean you are guaranteed to live a life and have a partner there till the very end. It is an ideal many people thrive for, but it may not happen. Maybe your loved one passes way before you do, maybe you meet your partner but after a few years together you are better apart than together. Maybe this or maybe that. What I mean is, being asexual is not a guarantee for dying alone as much as being not asexual is for living with your partner until the day you die. 

2. Through it all, especially because of point 1, friendships are extremely important. Seek out new people, cultivate friendships and gather a community around you, all of which doesn't have to have anything to do with sex or even romance. If I end up in a nursing home, I want to find the craziest people on my floor and start a bord game night. 

Both is to say, I totally get that fear, and I feel it, too, sometimes very deeply. But even if you cannot find a life partner (which you totally can, reading success stories always helps me keep my hopes up), it doesn't mean you will have to resign yourself to being lonely and dying alone. 

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4 minutes ago, Scandiaca said:

I have had similar fears after I lost big parts of my family. I think it is an existential fear that everyone has, who craves companionship, be that friendship, romantic or sexual or all 3 mixed together. 
The way I tackled this, was in multiple ways, and some of them may sound a bit harsh, so please take them with a pinch of salt and not as gospel ;):
1. Being capable of sexual attraction or relationships does not mean you are guaranteed to live a life and have a partner there till the very end. It is an ideal many people thrive for, but it may not happen. Maybe your loved one passes way before you do, maybe you meet your partner but after a few years together you are better apart than together. Maybe this or maybe that. What I mean is, being asexual is not a guarantee for dying alone as much as being not asexual is for living with your partner until the day you die. 

2. Through it all, especially because of point 1, friendships are extremely important. Seek out new people, cultivate friendships and gather a community around you, all of which doesn't have to have anything to do with sex or even romance. If I end up in a nursing home, I want to find the craziest people on my floor and start a bord game night. 

Both is to say, I totally get that fear, and I feel it, too, sometimes very deeply. But even if you cannot find a life partner (which you totally can, reading success stories always helps me keep my hopes up), it doesn't mean you will have to resign yourself to being lonely and dying alone. 

I mean, I have an overwhelming want to fall in love, but I don't have the overwhelming feelings that people describe.

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1 minute ago, HJNosyt said:

I mean, I have an overwhelming want to fall in love, but I don't have the overwhelming feelings that people describe.

I think you have to analyse how much of that feeling is media and society telling you "being in love is the most amazing thing, love is all you need, being in love is part of becoming and adult etc" and how much of it is your wish for... maybe a romantic relationship without sexual components (going on dates, possibly cuddling unless that is not for you, building a life together, being each others emotional pole and support etc), or simply a deep friendship? There is also the concept of crushes, which is basically you imagine being with somebody, but would not want to act on it. 
When I joined, people showed me this graphic that I still find amazing!:
zlo2z.jpg

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AceMissBehaving

When people wax poetic their feelings of romance etc they seem larger than life, but a lot of the time it’s more a slow simmer.

 

I wouldn’t worry too much about how your emotions compare to the way other people chose to articulate how they feel theirs.

 

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Hi there,

 

I've never had a crush either and I rarely feel a strong bond to anybody. Feelings are always true the way they are, and it's not a shame to feel or not feel something particular. You can't force yourself to feel something that's not there, and it's not healthy to try to force feelings because of fear. Meaning, liking the idea of a romantic relationship is not the same as feeling romantic attraction.

 

I can relate to your feelings regarding dying alone, but I have another perspective on it. To me it's important to surround myself with people I value. As @Scandiaca says, a romantic relationship is no gurantee for living a happy life, especially not when it's motivated by fear. I suggest you try out some meditation (I can recommend the App Headspace), because it takes a clearer head to come to terms with these kind of feelings. It's okay to be afraid at times, but I don't think it's helpful or fruitful.

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I mean, I have an overwhelming want to fall in love, but I don't have the overwhelming feelings that people describe.

@HJNosyt yup.  Whether 16 years old  or 96, we want to feel loved/wanted by another and to return all that love back 10 fold.  You have time.  Crushes/squishes sometimes have a funny quirk of dying out before progressing into a relationship anyway.  A better approach would be to look for friendship first in a partner, then dive into something deeper later. 

 

Idealism runs strong in these words. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:

@HJNosyt yup.  Whether 16 years old  or 96, we want to feel loved/wanted by another and to return all that love back 10 fold.  You have time.  Crushes/squishes sometimes have a funny quirk of dying out before progressing into a relationship anyway.  A better approach would be to look for friendship first in a partner, then dive into something deeper later. 

 

Idealism runs strong in these words. 

 

 

I heard that surrounding yourself with friends helps quite a bit.

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