fatal_flame_fertile_ash Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 What does an aro/ace relationship look like (one or both parties)? What makes it more than a friendship (if both parties)? Do you use conventional terms like boyfriend/girlfriend? Do aro/ace people in a relationship (both parties) get married often? Is it normal to raise kids together? Stay together forever? If someone asks you out, do you tell them you're ace/aro right after they ask you or on the date (if you accept)? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 For me, relationship is just being good friends while sharing life together, so definitely living together (because why not, living together with someone trustworthy and fun makes things easier). Was very surprised that normal people don't share that definition... 22 minutes ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: If someone asks you out, do you tell them you're ace/aro right after they ask you or on the date (if you accept)? Does 'asking out' even make sense when you are ace/aro? Can't just do fun things together? 😺 Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: What does an aro/ace relationship look like (one or both parties)? I'm aro ace. I have friends and family. Other aro aces are married with kids. 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: What makes it more than a friendship (if both parties)? More than friendship? Perhaps you mean different from friendship. My family are different from my friends though some friends feel closer to family than others... like the ones I grew up with. 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: Do you use conventional terms like boyfriend/girlfriend? I've never had a partner. I don't desire one either however if I did end up with one, I would use the standard terminology as I take those words to be partnership rather than a specific list of feelings. 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: Do aro/ace people in a relationship (both parties) get married often? I guess? 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: Is it normal to raise kids together? I'd assume so, if they're married. Not sure the percentage of married couples that have kids nowadays are though. 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: Stay together forever? I hear half of marriages end in divorce so... 50/50. 1 hour ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: If someone asks you out, do you tell them you're ace/aro right after they ask you or on the date (if you accept)? No. I just reject them because I'm not interested. If I did for some reason accept, if it ended up looking like we'd be heading in the direction of becoming a thing, I would state my boundaries rather than my orientation because aro/ace terminology means nothing to most people. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Could you be clearer what you mean? It seems that people seem to have thought that you are asking about aroace relationships rather than aro/ace ones. Could you clarify which it is because obviously the answer for each could be very different. If we are talking about ace relationships these are more commonly romantic rather than aro and thus look a lot different to aroace ones. again aro relationships are not all ace and an aroallo (is that the correct term) relationship would be different again. If you are looking for information about romantic ace relationships I can answer but not aroace. Link to post Share on other sites
fatal_flame_fertile_ash Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share Posted July 17, 2019 On 7/15/2019 at 5:25 PM, banana monkey said: Could you be clearer what you mean? It seems that people seem to have thought that you are asking about aroace relationships rather than aro/ace ones. Could you clarify which it is because obviously the answer for each could be very different. If we are talking about ace relationships these are more commonly romantic rather than aro and thus look a lot different to aroace ones. again aro relationships are not all ace and an aroallo (is that the correct term) relationship would be different again. If you are looking for information about romantic ace relationships I can answer but not aroace. I am aromantic (I think) and asexual. I want to know what a "relationship" would even look like for me. I thought it would never happen for me (avoided it) but then I came on here (and on the asexuality subreddit) and so many people are asexual or aromantic or both and are in relationships. In my own life, the only relationships I've ever seen are romantic, allosexual relationships. So what I don't know is that if you whittle away the sex and romance from a committed, two-person relationship, what does that look like? Maybe I'm confused about what aromantic is. Link to post Share on other sites
firebird8 Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I get confused when we start talking about "relationships". To me that includes my friends and my co-workers and such. I gather that you are talking about a single individual that a person would have a long term commitment with, like a romantic relationship...but not, because we're aromantic. I would think that you're talking about a queer platonic partnership or QPP, which I've read about as a definition but I can't recall coming across anyone currently talking about actively being involved with one. The question is, do you want a romantic relationship? Or if you look up and read about QPPs do you want one of those? Do you get romantically attracted to people? If you don't then that's fine. You don't have to just because others do. I would guess that most people in relationships are romantic asexuals rather than aromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 Interestingly, it wasn’t until maybe year two of my time on AVEN that I realized my husband was aromantic in addition to the earlier discovery of asexuality. We were excellent partners, great friends, have similar life outlooks, a solid foundation and synced life goals. My history of having lived and loved in the Far East (very little outward affection was shown or given, but I knew I was loved beyond measure) led me to actually not understand my husband as aromantic. In any case, assuming you can find a partner who’s willing to do life together while seeing your love language be something other than offering romance, it’s doable. Just be aware that problems arise when one party feels compromised, so communicate. Yes, explain who you are, what you want and what you’re looking for. It’s the best chance at making a true connection. Sometimes, you have to date (in lieu of kiss?) many frogs to find the match. If you want one, seek one, just be honest. Edit: I think asexuality, rather than aromanticism, is a bigger hurdle if searching for connection with folks who may be sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 20 hours ago, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: I am aromantic (I think) and asexual. I want to know what a "relationship" would even look like for me. I thought it would never happen for me (avoided it) but then I came on here (and on the asexuality subreddit) and so many people are asexual or aromantic or both and are in relationships. In my own life, the only relationships I've ever seen are romantic, allosexual relationships. So what I don't know is that if you whittle away the sex and romance from a committed, two-person relationship, what does that look like? Maybe I'm confused about what aromantic is. ok. so I'm not quite sure what to answer now. Particularly with aromanticism the differences of opinion are vast. Some dont understand how aromantics can have/want to be in romantic relationships. (another whole debate) However, that brought me back to the fact that most agree that the type of relationship does not necessarily have to match the orientation of those in it. ie the aromantic can have no romantic attraction towards partner but still be in a romantic relationship (same as an asexual can be in a sexual relationship.) However, that made me question the difference between that an QPP. The answer to that question is something I have been questioning for years and still not worked out despite being in a relationship which I did not know which it was and at the end realised that I thought it was QPP, whilst partner thought it was romantic. (As such he wanted to marry me and I ran!) Link to post Share on other sites
dancingeologist Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I am aroace and had a best friend I lived with for years until she passed away. Our friendship appeared like a romantic relationship to most other people as we were emotionally closer to each other than anyone else, lived together, went out and did "date" like things together (ie dinner and dancing), and took vacations and traveled together. Basically all the components of a lot of romantic/married type relationships but without the kissing, cuddling, sex, sharing a bed or being in love. I loved her like family (ie like a sister) but never had the sort of infatuation/butterflies that romantic people tend to describe with falling in love with someone. I would sometimes call her my partner. We were the same sex and at the time it was not legal were we lived to get married, but if it had been I think we would have considered it for legal reasons. Neither one of us ever wanted to have kids. In terms of dating I'm not always sure if someone is asking me out as a friend or as a "date". It is really not clear to me what the difference is. Usually in any acceptance I give to go out with someone I use the word friend and set the expectations as friendship from the beginning. If they start getting touchy, telling me how attractive I am, or that they are really into me, etc, I make sure to explain very clearly that I am not into physical contact and that I never feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone including them. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 On 7/17/2019 at 11:24 PM, Telecaster68 said: But in either case, why would they want to be in that relationship? Every moment is an inbuilt, structural challenge to a fundamental part of who they are. As I said, some dont understand the concept whilst it is accepted as true. I didnt say which side of the fence I sat on, that whole question gets me a little confused (for the exact reason you mention) and I cant make up my mind, hence why I didnt know what to answer. Maybe other posters can provide some insight to help me make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
fatal_flame_fertile_ash Posted July 27, 2019 Author Share Posted July 27, 2019 On 7/18/2019 at 2:18 AM, dancingeologist said: I am aroace and had a best friend I lived with for years until she passed away. Our friendship appeared like a romantic relationship to most other people as we were emotionally closer to each other than anyone else, lived together, went out and did "date" like things together (ie dinner and dancing), and took vacations and traveled together. Basically all the components of a lot of romantic/married type relationships but without the kissing, cuddling, sex, sharing a bed or being in love. I loved her like family (ie like a sister) but never had the sort of infatuation/butterflies that romantic people tend to describe with falling in love with someone. I would sometimes call her my partner. We were the same sex and at the time it was not legal were we lived to get married, but if it had been I think we would have considered it for legal reasons. Neither one of us ever wanted to have kids. In terms of dating I'm not always sure if someone is asking me out as a friend or as a "date". It is really not clear to me what the difference is. Usually in any acceptance I give to go out with someone I use the word friend and set the expectations as friendship from the beginning. If they start getting touchy, telling me how attractive I am, or that they are really into me, etc, I make sure to explain very clearly that I am not into physical contact and that I never feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone including them. Okay, so this is exactly what I was talking about. The closeness to one person and you live a life together without being romantic. This feels like something I want. I guess I need to do some exploring into whether I like romance or not but the relationship with your friend sounds so lovely. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted July 28, 2019 Share Posted July 28, 2019 On 7/18/2019 at 2:18 AM, dancingeologist said: I am aroace and had a best friend I lived with for years until she passed away. Our friendship appeared like a romantic relationship to most other people as we were emotionally closer to each other than anyone else, lived together, went out and did "date" like things together (ie dinner and dancing), and took vacations and traveled together. Basically all the components of a lot of romantic/married type relationships but without the kissing, cuddling, sex, sharing a bed or being in love. I loved her like family (ie like a sister) but never had the sort of infatuation/butterflies that romantic people tend to describe with falling in love with someone. I would sometimes call her my partner. We were the same sex and at the time it was not legal were we lived to get married, but if it had been I think we would have considered it for legal reasons. Neither one of us ever wanted to have kids. In terms of dating I'm not always sure if someone is asking me out as a friend or as a "date". It is really not clear to me what the difference is. Usually in any acceptance I give to go out with someone I use the word friend and set the expectations as friendship from the beginning. If they start getting touchy, telling me how attractive I am, or that they are really into me, etc, I make sure to explain very clearly that I am not into physical contact and that I never feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone including them. I'm aro ace and have had a female friend since '03. This was a couple of years before I found out about asexuality. I struggled making female friends before. I only came out to her earlier this year. I've been gradually coming out to certain friends about my identity so it took me a while to get to her. I wanted to get a few under my belt so to speak before I told her. It went well! I was straightened out earlier this year about the use of the word date. I think my friend didn't like the term due to past experiences. Over the years I have struggled with some stuff as what comes naturally for sexuals/romantics is completely foreign to me. We just like to dine and hang out together, so that's good enough for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Donnaj Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 I just found out after 18yrs together that my husband is aroace. I'm confused, as he knew, but did not know there was a name for it ell me. He knew he wasn't sexual or romantic. I can't find a support group for spouses who are not aroace. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I feel duped Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Donnaj said: I just found out after 18yrs together that my husband is aroace. I'm confused, as he knew, but did not know there was a name for it ell me. He knew he wasn't sexual or romantic. I can't find a support group for spouses who are not aroace. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I feel duped You might want to check out For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies Link to post Share on other sites
Donnaj Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 Thank you so so much Homer. Link to post Share on other sites
Starry6 Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 On 7/16/2019 at 8:27 PM, fatal_flame_fertile_ash said: I am aromantic (I think) and asexual. I want to know what a "relationship" would even look like for me. I thought it would never happen for me (avoided it) but then I came on here (and on the asexuality subreddit) and so many people are asexual or aromantic or both and are in relationships. In my own life, the only relationships I've ever seen are romantic, allosexual relationships. So what I don't know is that if you whittle away the sex and romance from a committed, two-person relationship, what does that look like? Maybe I'm confused about what aromantic is. These kinds of relationships are often called Queer Platonic Relationships (QPRs), though some prefer not to label them as such. QPRs are very close, trusting relationships much like a straight relationship but, as you said, without romance or sex. They tend to be more intimate than a regular close friendship emotionally (the partners know a whole lot about each other, shared secrets, emotionally closer, etc.) And sometimes their relationship will have a strong sensory aspect to it, but again, not always. (Sensory as in cuddling, hand holding, hugs, and maybe kisses.) Some Queer Platonic Partners choose to get married, either for tax benefits or because they simply can't imagine living without the other, or maybe for some other reason. Some QP Partners choose to have and/or raise kids. (Some are even formed because both people wish to raise kids but don't want to do it alone or some other reason. There are mono and poly QPRs, and Gay and Straight QPRs. (I've been told that those who have a preference are called "oriented aroaces") Aromantic is, by definition, not experiencing romantic attraction. This doesn't mean experiencing no attraction whatsoever, and those who experience limited romantic attraction (demiromantic, aroflux, etc.) are still on the Aro spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 Thread Locked as it’s over 1 year old and more than 6 months from the last Comment. A new Thread on the Topic is an option in future. Janus DarkFox Weekend Cover Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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