Does anyone else have trouble making new friends?

[Alawyn-Aebt]

1 hour ago, Marcin said:

You seem to be close to your family, what prevents you from telling them what your emotions are if you want them to to know your true emotions? Or is it better if they don't know?

I prefer to keep my family far away since they have no positive influence on my life, but plenty of negative if I let them.

Sometimes it is better that they do not know, but in many cases it would be nice to ask them for advice on more emotional topics, or even just have someone to talk to about emotions just to relieve the burden of carrying years of emotions secretively. I feel as if I experience emotions differently than they do, I cannot pinpoint it directly but they speak of low self-esteem, anxiousness, contentment, etc. I have no way of seeming to connect to those feelings, I have never felt low self-esteem, if anything I tend towards higher-than-warranted self-esteem. I feel semi-nervous continually, but not anxious per se. I have never felt content, there is always another hurdle to reach after you cross one.

I guess my lack of seeming ability to connect to the emotions they describe makes me wary of mentioning my own set of emotions.

 

You seem to have a lot of negative experiences with family and others would that be correct?

[RakshaTheCat]

1 hour ago, Aebt said:

I feel as if I experience emotions differently than they do, I cannot pinpoint it directly but they speak of low self-esteem, anxiousness, contentment, etc. I have no way of seeming to connect to those feelings, I have never felt low self-esteem, if anything I tend towards higher-than-warranted self-esteem. I feel semi-nervous continually, but not anxious per se. I have never felt content, there is always another hurdle to reach after you cross one.

I guess my lack of seeming ability to connect to the emotions they describe makes me wary of mentioning my own set of emotions.

So they don't even try to understand you? My cynical side says it's typical hoomans, this is exactly why I found people completely useless...

Hmm, should I ask what kind of emotions are you experiencing? Or what kind of would you like to experience more?

For example, I actually like positive emotions that are connected to Oxitocin I think, but so far, I found hoomans way too untrustworthy to get anything like that out of them. I can get that from random cats and dogs, which is super cool, since they are actually friendly.
 

Quote

You seem to have a lot of negative experiences with family and others would that be correct?

I'm sure there are ton of people who had much more negative experiences, its just I seem to lack positive ones, so there is nothing to counterballance negative ones? I mean, feels like most of the things I can just do better by myself than to bother with some random people, like aforementioned walks. I'm sure normal people have actually ton of bad experiences with others too, they are just, hmm, kinda addicted to other people so they try to be social anyway?

[Phantasmal Fingers]

If you're looking for close friends irl then, generally speaking, it gets progressively more difficult the older you get. Something to do with not being able to bond through shared experience I think.

 

Unless, of course, you happen to share something with someone you've just met that has a high existential truth value (I can't think of another way of putting this) in which case that seems to be a very effective substitute.

 

This is why I arrange and attend a lot of AVEN meets... 

 

 

[Alawyn-Aebt]

19 hours ago, Marcin said:

So they don't even try to understand you

They do, but firstly, I do not reveal much information, part of my natural habit towards secrecy, and secondly, they are bad at reading me and preemptively mentioning something. When I do sum up the courage to bring up anything that mildly deals with my emotions they apply their own view of emotions to mine, which results in them misunderstanding what I am actually feeling.

19 hours ago, Marcin said:

Hmm, should I ask what kind of emotions are you experiencing? Or what kind of would you like to experience more?

I experience all sorts of emotions, even if I do not show it. My emotions generally steer away from the extremes. Even when I was depressed and suicidal I seemed completely rational in my feelings, compared to how many people talk of depression as extreme sadness outweighing what the circumstances dictate, I was never that. Whenever people talk about how depressed teenagers need to be told how everything will get better eventually and basically cheer them up to lower teen suicide rates I think about how that would not have helped me at all, I knew life had to get better, I knew I was not going to feel this way forever, but in the moment I calculated dying was preferable to living.

 

The next bit is spoilered because people here spoiler a lot and I do not want to conflict with the TOS, it is not violent or shocking in any way though.

Spoiler

Now, you might ask, if that was so why am I still alive? I am alive because finding a painless way to die without attracting suspicion is hard. Then I decided on a time, night, and a place that one of my parents would find me before my siblings would. Then I set a date, and set my alarm. And my alarm failed to go off because there had been quite a few storms during that day and and the days leading up to it and the power went off again, meaning my alarm was reset and turned off and I awoke in the morning.

 

Maybe I am a one-off or a rarity in the world, but sometimes I wonder if this disconnect is one reason why despite all the continual talk to how to reduce teen suicides we, as humanity, still have not found a super effective method. Possibly there are many more like me, who are sad and rationalize it in such a way that there is no mental escape for them. The only mental escape for me was the next day my parents found what I left out to die with but then didn't and I dropped my emotional guard in the sadness and told them. That being said, I still left out a ton of information from them.

 

I know that is probably way too much information for the query posed, but I felt like an example was better than a simple statement of, "My emotions generally steer away from extremes."

19 hours ago, Marcin said:

I can get that from random cats and dogs

Really? I must admit I am jealous. The most I get out of cats is amusement and minor companionship and the most out of dogs is fear or indifference.

[Laplace]

I have a problem where constantly gain and lose friends over time; everyone finds new friend groups to hang out with while I’m kinda just left there. Another problem is I don’t know when I’m actually friends with people. Do we have to exchange phone numbers? Is it when we talk regularly at lunch? Is it when we say hi to each other regularly at work? Do we have to hang out outside of work first? I feel this pervasive detachment sometimes, and I think stuff like, “Would it even matter that much to my peers if I just disappeared?” It’s hard to gauge whether there’s this emotional connection or not.

[RakshaTheCat]

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

Maybe I am a one-off or a rarity in the world, but sometimes I wonder if this disconnect is one reason why despite all the continual talk to how to reduce teen suicides we, as humanity, still have not found a super effective method.

Do people really care, or they just say they care? For example, I'm pretty sure that stopping treating people like trash would help with suicides a lot. And yet even young kids get told that if they don't find a way to get money from somewhere, they are garbage and don't deserve to live (after all, this is how going to school is justified, you are supposed to learn stuff to be useful so you can earn your right to live). So, hmm, if you live in constant stress that you might be too dumb or too ugly to 'earn your living' anyway, well, suicide becomes tempting solution...
 

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

I know that is probably way too much information for the query posed, but I felt like an example was better than a simple statement of, "My emotions generally steer away from extremes."

It was great example, I appreciate it, I love examples! What kind of positive emotions do you get or enjoy getting?
 

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

Really? I must admit I am jealous. The most I get out of cats is amusement and minor companionship and the most out of dogs is fear or indifference.

Hmm, maybe your love language is incompatible with them? What is your one anyway? How do you like to show sympathy and how do you like to be shown sympathy? for me, it's quality time together and physical touch. Cats and dogs are super compatible with the latter (especially dogs, since even strangers tend to get all cuddly and playfull), that's why I get ton of nice feels from them. Hoomans on the other hand, well... They are very rarely useful for first one, and I have yet to find someone nice who can do the latter without trying to have sex with me...

[neecee]

I wouldn’t say I’m bad at making new friends as much as I’m bad at making good friends.

I have a handful of very close friends that I’ve known for 10+ years now, and I’ve noticed that I have a weird mindset of wanting allllllllll my new friendships to instantly be on the same level of those close friends. 

So in a way, I set my own self up for failure.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

17 hours ago, Marcin said:

Do people really care, or they just say they care?

That is a good point that I do not know the answer to, but I know even if people really do care they do not always back up their care by action.

Treating people better would of course help, although in my circumstances I am not sure if it would have as I was not mistreated.

I know how people often justify school in the way of saying it helps you to get a job, but I never liked that justification. Once people start looking at work as simply work -- something you do solely for the money -- it creates this negative feedback loop where society expects you to actively dislike your job. My grandparents cannot comprehend that I actually enjoy working, but for me it is something that adds variety to my life, even if it is not a job I want to do for the rest of my life. The same principle applies to school, once people look at school as merely a means to an ends they stop enjoying the journey. School becomes a chore something people are expected to dislike. I personally loved school and love college even more.

I am not necessarily saying people should stop seeing school or work as merely a means to an ends, rather that what they view as the ends should change. My view is that work for me is a means to an end, but my end is happiness rather than money. I get happiness (and money, a nice convenient bonus) out of work.

17 hours ago, Marcin said:

What kind of positive emotions do you get or enjoy getting?

General euphoria, excitement, amusement, feelings of social connection, hope, feelings of productivity, feelings of being oneself etc.

17 hours ago, Marcin said:

Hmm, maybe your love language is incompatible with them? What is your one anyway?

Quality time, although for me it centers on discussions and doing things together. As much as I love my family's cat I really cannot get the same sort of quality time I can get out of even glorified acquaintances.

17 hours ago, Marcin said:

I have yet to find someone nice who can do the latter without trying to have sex with me...

I have really never been physically close to anyone so I have thankfully avoided that risk so far.  But I can see how cats and dogs would easily fulfill the requirement of psychical touch very satisfactorily.

[RakshaTheCat]

 

1 hour ago, Aebt said:

Treating people better would of course help, although in my circumstances I am not sure if it would have as I was not mistreated.

What was the issue in your case and what do you think would have helped?

 

1 hour ago, Aebt said:

I personally loved school and love college even more.

Wow, lucky you. I actually disliked school because it was full of loud and creepy people who most of the time were getting in the way of learning anything interesting or useful. That included teachers.

 

1 hour ago, Aebt said:

I am not necessarily saying people should stop seeing school or work as merely a means to an ends, rather that what they view as the ends should change. My view is that work for me is a means to an end, but my end is happiness rather than money. I get happiness (and money, a nice convenient bonus) out of work.

My guess is that it only works if you don't need money in the first place, so happiness out of work is just a luxury. I think most people are quite poor, kinda hard to think about happiness you get from work when you are about to become homeless I guess... 😺
Also, I'm not sure if most work is compatible with getting happiness out of it. I'm into software development, so my one can actually add to my happiness, and even I got fed up of wasting too much time on it. I can't imagine how bad it must be for someone who isn't as lucky as me or you.
 

1 hour ago, Aebt said:

feelings of social connection

I'm curious about this one, what is it exactly? I only seem to be getting 'social disconnect', since even if I get to do something interesting with others, I know I have nothing else in common with them, so kinda hard to feel any kind of connection.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

4 minutes ago, Marcin said:

What was the issue in your case and what do you think would have helped?

I was just fed up with life at that point; It was boring and extremely repetitive. I needed variety but never got any, life was eat, school, sleep. It did not help I was homeschooled during that period so I had limited contact with others and because I was homeschooled not for religious reasons even when I met homeschoolers they seemed like religious fanatics that I had no interest in even talking to. I knew my life would get better, but I was done with two years of boredom. Sure I had hobbies but you can not do hobbies 24/7 without them getting boring too.

In short my greatest fear is boredom, and when you have been living your greatest fear for two years you get depressed. Death would end the boredom; if eternal paradise awaited after death then great, if not then why would I care, and if eternal suffering awaited after death then I would suffer stoically.

10 minutes ago, Marcin said:

My guess is that it only works if you don't need money in the first place, so happiness out of work is just a luxury. I think most people are quite poor, kinda hard to think about happiness you get from work when you are about to become homeless I guess... 😺

That is true and I know I am lucky in that I am living at home right now while I wait to transfer to university in the fall. Do not get me wrong, I get annoyed with my job all the time, but even if I had no use for the money (living with parents means you do not have a lot of expenses anyways, but saving for university is important) I would still be working. I get enjoyment out working. 

18 minutes ago, Marcin said:

I'm curious about this one, what is it exactly?

It is when you feel as if some people, outside of your family, actually care at least a little bit about you. When people take the time to actually learn your name and what you are interested in. It is the feeling of being able to relate to others at some, even extremely shallow, level.

Sometimes I feel like an extrovert inside a fairly-extreme introvert.

34 minutes ago, Marcin said:

I know I have nothing else in common with them

I am interested in this, do you know you have nothing in common with them or just assume based off normal experiences? I often feel like I have nothing in common with others but I can still make connections somehow.

[RakshaTheCat]

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

I was just fed up with life at that point; It was boring and extremely repetitive. I needed variety but never got any, life was eat, school, sleep. It did not help I was homeschooled during that period so I had limited contact with others and because I was homeschooled not for religious reasons even when I met homeschoolers they seemed like religious fanatics that I had no interest in even talking to. I knew my life would get better, but I was done with two years of boredom. Sure I had hobbies but you can not do hobbies 24/7 without them getting boring too.

Ah, yeah, it's different then. Hmm, internet couldn't provide enough variety for you to not feel bored? It works for me, I seem to always be able to find something new to learn whenever I run out of things to do.

 

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

I get enjoyment out working. 

What kind of work do you enjoy? I enjoy writing or debugging software (as long as its useful), and lately been enjoying doing some planting and weed control stuff as part of volunteering thing.

 

7 hours ago, Aebt said:

I am interested in this, do you know you have nothing in common with them or just assume based off normal experiences? I often feel like I have nothing in common with others but I can still make connections somehow.

Just based on experience so far. I can sometimes find some insignificant things, but that's it. For example, normal people seem to connect over worshiping of same kind of music or movies or games or books or cars or whatever, but I just, hmm, don't worship anything... 😺

I actually found decent analogy I think. People are kind of like bees for me. They might be fun to observe, heck, they sometimes might be even useful or fun to interact with, but I don't want them around me for too long, since it will most likely end in painful way, especially if they realize I'm not from their 'hive'. So, yeah, what would be the point of me making connections with bees? 😺

[Alawyn-Aebt]

5 hours ago, Marcin said:

Hmm, internet couldn't provide enough variety for you to not feel bored?

To an extent, but there are many things that the internet cannot do for me. One of those things is it is not a replacement for human-human interaction, it may fill that role a bit, but it in no way is a viable long-term alternative for it. I am, as are most humans (although you seem to have overcome this issue), a social being. Solely online interactions cannot fill the hole left by a lack of in-person interactions for me.

I suspect that they do not fill that hole for most people either, as studies correlating people who only have interpersonal connections online with their own happiness have shown those people tend to be less happy with life. If you have managed to be an outlier good for you! but I am not wired that way.

5 hours ago, Marcin said:

What kind of work do you enjoy?

I like feeling productive, working make me feel productive (unless I am doing something utterly boring and unless, but usually everything has at least some use to it).

5 hours ago, Marcin said:

Just based on experience so far. I can sometimes find some insignificant things, but that's it. For example, normal people seem to connect over worshiping of same kind of music or movies or games or books or cars or whatever, but I just, hmm, don't worship anything... 😺

I know what you are talking about. I have a hard time connecting with many people because mine interests are quite different from most people so I do not try with most people, but there are those I can connect with, even if it is just having a shared sense of humour, and when I connect with them the feelings brought on with those glorified acquaintances or friends are grand.

[Hylethilei]

On 7/13/2019 at 12:45 PM, Kimmie. said:

I have problems making friends to but that can be because of my low self-esteem and that i don´t go out to clubs and places like that.

I find the sexual tension in clubs to cause me anxiety greatly XD

[RakshaTheCat]

5 hours ago, Aebt said:

To an extent, but there are many things that the internet cannot do for me. One of those things is it is not a replacement for human-human interaction, it may fill that role a bit, but it in no way is a viable long-term alternative for it. I am, as are most humans (although you seem to have overcome this issue), a social being. Solely online interactions cannot fill the hole left by a lack of in-person interactions for me.

I suspect that they do not fill that hole for most people either, as studies correlating people who only have interpersonal connections online with their own happiness have shown those people tend to be less happy with life. If you have managed to be an outlier good for you! but I am not wired that way.

Oh, so it is true, people really are that social... Haha, it seems to be exactly the case like with asexuality for me. At first I underestimated how sexual normal people are, and now I seemed to have underestimated how social they are. I didn't have to overcome anything of course since there was nothing to overcome to begin with, I just never had it.

 

Also explains why I connected with that one friend I have, I think he is not very social. We can connect quite strongly about things that are actually meaningful for us, but neither of us seems to connect about small, unimportant things.

 

Well, thanks for helping me figure this thing out. Other people were unhelpful, since all they told me was that it's impossible to 'not be social'... You are the first one who took your time and explained to me how normal people work 😺
 

 

[jo20701]

Yes and no. I only have internet friends, but I also actively avoid interacting with people because social anxiety. Does it count as having trouble if I'm not trying? Actually I'm okay being social if I'm with a friend, but I can't make a friend because I don't like being social...

[KeKatCookie]

. 

[AspieAlly613]

5 hours ago, KeKatCookie said:

Especially since I prefer the company of males... And a lot of guys assume I'm only talking to them because I want a 'relationship' with them. 

BLAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

 

This is why I often find myself needing to say "This is not a sexual or romantic advance."  Not sure how much it actually helps, though.

[KeKatCookie]

On 7/22/2019 at 4:15 AM, AspieAlly613 said:

 

. 

[Soledad]

Me too. I have trouble making friends and I actually have non. I wish there was a person who wanted to stay, but people rarely like to spend time with me the way I am. 

[katinthehat]

I do. I moved earlier this month and I haven't been out of the house much. I get uncomfortable around strangers. This was sadly apparent when I went downtown yesterday just to walk around and I got hit on twice, so I gave up and went home.

[kiaroskuro]

On 7/16/2019 at 12:27 PM, Modern Jazz Hands said:

Unless, of course, you happen to share something with someone you've just met that has a high existential truth value (I can't think of another way of putting this) in which case that seems to be a very effective substitute.

Interesting points. But could you please explain what you mean by the above, what's something with a "high existential truth value"?

 

14 hours ago, KeKatCookie said:

I have a female friend who is friends with a guy who I really want to be friends with. 

So me & FF are going to arrange a meet up with that guy & his brother, so the four of us all as friends. Hopefully that way it's not going to seem like a date setup but rather a friends meet thing? 

I keep my fingers crossed that your "strategy" will work, and that there'll be no misunderstandings. But why does it have to be so darn difficult in the first place? *sigh*

I'm familiar with your problem ...

[Salmiakki]

For me it's extremely difficult to make friends. Honestly I think it's just impossible. I don't understand how people make friends. They must have some sort of superpowers. I'm jealous. 

[lunar-]

In the real world, I'm terrible at making friends. I'm awkward and too shy to go up to someone new.

I literally have two decent friends and one good one. Everyone else is just... someone I know?

 

I'm better on the internet, though. It's easier for me to talk to people here because I don't trip over my own words or say something wrong or anything.

[RakshaTheCat]

1 hour ago, Salmiakki said:

For me it's extremely difficult to make friends. Honestly I think it's just impossible. I don't understand how people make friends. They must have some sort of superpowers. I'm jealous. 

What exactly you have problems with? Finding suitable friend material? Or you already have plenty, just don't know how to befriend them? Second part is quite straightforward in my opinion, to make friends one just needs to be nice to them, do things they enjoy and avoid those they don't.

[Salmiakki]

1 hour ago, Marcin said:

What exactly you have problems with? Finding suitable friend material? Or you already have plenty, just don't know how to befriend them? Second part is quite straightforward in my opinion, to make friends one just needs to be nice to them, do things they enjoy and avoid those they don't.

Hah. You're making it sound so simple. It's not easy to make friends. The ones you try to befriend may not like you. Or maybe you just won't get along. And... I have soooo many problems. Way too many. Huge problems. Way bigger than the things you mentioned. 

[RakshaTheCat]

Just now, Salmiakki said:

Hah. You're making it sound so simple. It's not easy to make friends. The ones you try to befriend may not like you. Or maybe you just won't get along. And... I have soooo many problems. Way too many. Huge problems. Way bigger than the things you mentioned. 

Wait, why would I even want to befriend someone with whom I don't know I get along? Do normal people do things differently? They first decide they want to be friends (based on what?), and only then they figure out if they fit in?

[Salmiakki]

3 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Wait, why would I even want to befriend someone with whom I don't know I get along? Do normal people do things differently? They first decide they want to be friends (based on what?), and only then they figure out if they fit in?

Well I'm glad that making friends is easy and simple for you. 

[RakshaTheCat]

15 minutes ago, Salmiakki said:

Well I'm glad that making friends is easy and simple for you. 

It isn't, I just have different problem, I can't find people with whom I'd like to make friends. To want to befriend someone, I need to get to know them first, and by the time I do get to know them, I get plenty of reasons why I'd rather stay away from them. That's why I was surprised that normal people do it differently...

[Salmiakki]

18 minutes ago, Marcin said:

It isn't, I just have different problem, I can't find people with whom I'd like to make friends. To want to befriend someone, I need to get to know them first, and by the time I do get to know them, I get plenty of reasons why I'd rather stay away from them. That's why I was surprised that normal people do it differently...

Oh, don't call me normal. I'm definitely not normal. And I don't know anything about how people usually do things. I'm actually very isolated from the real world. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 hour ago, Salmiakki said:

I'm actually very isolated from the real world. 

That's probably your problem.