gothicfairy Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Okay guys I'm panicking. So a few days ago I was on my way to work and I called my boyfriend to ask if I could spend the night. He said he didnt know cause we wanted to talk to me. He wouldnt tell me what about so of course I was panicing all throughout work. I got there and he had a list. The main theme of the conversation was that he does things that I dont like. The main issue was weed. He used to smoke it before we met and he hasnt smoked since we've been togther because I dont want him too since it's illegal and I am studying to be in a job in law enforcement. So yeah im not gonna be okay with it. He said said that me being upset about certain things that he's done bothers him. He doesn't feel like he should have to compromise. He said that he's happy right now but he doesn't know that he will be in the future. But he also said that he doesn't know what he wants right now. So what I am suppossed to do? He's literally telling me that he doesn't think we are gonna have a future together but he hasnt made a decision. Am I suppossed to just sit here and wait? I dont know what to do guys. I dont wanna lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 How long have you been together? Roughly how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Auld_Mulk Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Okay, I have the sum total of one personal relationship from which to draw my advice from. (Grain of salt, one metric tonne). Are you happy with him as he is, as he wants to be? Is he happy with you as you are, as you want to be? You cannot force someone to change for you, nor can you change for someone else. The relationship allows and should allow you both to grow into better people, by learning from one another. The relationship will wither away if that mutual desire to be better together does not exist. That is my wisdom from the lesson I learned. Link to post Share on other sites
gothicfairy Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 1 hour ago, uhtred said: How long have you been together? Roughly how old are you? We have been together for 3 years. I am 19 and he is 20. Link to post Share on other sites
gothicfairy Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 1 hour ago, Auld_Mulk said: Okay, I have the sum total of one personal relationship from which to draw my advice from. (Grain of salt, one metric tonne). Are you happy with him as he is, as he wants to be? Is he happy with you as you are, as you want to be? You cannot force someone to change for you, nor can you change for someone else. The relationship allows and should allow you both to grow into better people, by learning from one another. The relationship will wither away if that mutual desire to be better together does not exist. That is my wisdom from the lesson I learned. I was happy until he brought all this up, now im just dreading life. And i thought he was happy and he said he is but if that was true why would he bring this up? Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 36 minutes ago, gothicfairy said: I was happy until he brought all this up, now im just dreading life. And i thought he was happy and he said he is but if that was true why would he bring this up? Looks like he wants a future thats different from what it is now. And he expects you to be upset with him like you were in the past. You guys are clearly too young to know what you want in future and the fact that he recognizes this is commendable. He is just giving you a headsup that 1) his future will look very different 2) he might break up anytime due to point 1. I say, treat this as a short term relationship and see where it goes. Or just break up if you cant handle the uncertainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 2 hours ago, gothicfairy said: He said said that me being upset about certain things that he's done bothers him. He doesn't feel like he should have to compromise. This is quite common in relationships. I think there’s several things you might want to think and talk about here. Relationships always involve an element of compromise, on both sides. This might need an honest chat about who’s compromising on what and where you’re both prepared to compromise and where you’re not. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve felt totally suffocated because I couldn’t be “me”, but also in relationships when my girlfriend has helped contain some of my worst impulses, so I can see this from both sides. If you love each other and want the relationship to work for the long term then having an open honest conversation would really help you. Hope it works out 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Not all relationships are destined to last forever. It doesn't even mean that someone did something wrong, just that they are not compatible. Weed is legal in some places in the US, not others. That says right away that there are widely varying opinions on whether or not its OK. If you and he disagree, and it is important to both of you there may be no compromise. That is sad in the short term, but trying to force an incompatible relationship is even worse. Have you really been happy together or do you more feel that you should be happy together? Link to post Share on other sites
gothicfairy Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 57 minutes ago, uhtred said: Not all relationships are destined to last forever. It doesn't even mean that someone did something wrong, just that they are not compatible. Weed is legal in some places in the US, not others. That says right away that there are widely varying opinions on whether or not its OK. If you and he disagree, and it is important to both of you there may be no compromise. That is sad in the short term, but trying to force an incompatible relationship is even worse. Have you really been happy together or do you more feel that you should be happy together? We have been really happy together. And he knew how I felt about weed before we started dating. If it wasn't a problem then then why is it a problem 3 years later? And if it was legal where we are then the only problem I would have is the smell. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Not to be the fly in the ointment, but I think he already did break up with you. Link to post Share on other sites
gothicfairy Posted July 13, 2019 Author Share Posted July 13, 2019 1 hour ago, skullery said: Not to be the fly in the ointment, but I think he already did break up with you. You know that's not really helpful when I'm balling my eyes out cause I already feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 2 minutes ago, gothicfairy said: You know that's not really helpful when I'm balling my eyes out cause I already feel that way. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, I am. I've gone through several awful breakups, one I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through. But, I did. We all do, and you will too. I know wishful thinking feels better, but facing reality is your only option. You're going to be ok, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 Remind yourself that you deserve better. Do better. A life well lived is the best revenge -- that's how I get through rejection. 7 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said: The relationship allows and should allow you both to grow into better people, by learning from one another. The relationship will wither away if that mutual desire to be better together does not exist. This is very true. You can't force someone else to do this with you. If you don't have it, you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 6 hours ago, Moonman said: He's gotta know that he can't make all the decisions and have all the power. Relationships don't work when one person is all giving and the other is all taking. If the gist of the convo was that there's lots of things he does that she doesn't like, then, sounds like he's not trying to make all the decisions, he just wants to make his own decisions. Two good rules of thumb... #1: When someone is breaking up with you, believe 100% of the negative and only 10% of the positive. #2: Telling someone to stop doing something is basically the same thing as asking them to lie to you. So, before you tell someone that they can't do x, y or z, stop and think... Would you prefer they did it and lied, or would you prefer to get over your issue and let them do it openly? Those are your only real options. Link to post Share on other sites
Zagadka Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 14 hours ago, skullery said: Not to be the fly in the ointment, but I think he already did break up with you. Fair, but I don't agree. Having honest communication about things that are getting in the way is important. You can't feel like just expressing something is tantamount to ending a relationship. It is bringing up a conversation to make life more comfortable for both people. Just avoiding the issues is a lot worse than not bringing them up. One of the problems i have with the concept of relationships is how binary they are viewed; we are together or apart. That isn't true. There's always a give and take, and to keep a relationship strong, you need to be honest like that, even if it does mean realizing there is something ultimately incompatible in the relationship - in that case, the relationship isn't going to be healthy in the first place, so keeping it alive is detrimental to both people. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGreatIthy Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 I think it would be unfair of him to assume that you would just sit there and wait for a decision. He laid out what he is feeling and that is totally fair and a good start, however you also need to lay out how YOU feel. You can't sit and wait for him or the worst outcome might actually happen, and if you want this relationship to last and you are happy with him, you both need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about it. A compromise WILL need to be made, but he needs to know how you feel about the situation and how what he said and did made you feel. It is also just not ok to say "We need to talk" with no further context since that did make you panic and that is unfair. If it makes you feel any better at all, I've been with my partner for 9 years now and we've had plenty of serious relationship conversations. They were all very uncomfortable to start, but we always made it out stronger because they were started and our feelings were laid out clearly. I'm not saying that this will end well, but clear communication is always a basis for a strong relationship and you owe it to both of you to give it your best shot! Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 13, 2019 Share Posted July 13, 2019 48 minutes ago, Zagadka said: One of the problems i have with the concept of relationships is how binary they are viewed; we are together or apart. There are a lot of things that aren't binary, or at least as binary as we think they are. However, with relationships, they ARE binary: you're either in a relationship, or you're not. You may go in and out and in again, but that's a definite change, not just a continuum. The best thing for the OP to do now would be to decide whether she wants to be in a relationship with him, as he has explained himself. If she wants to, then tell him. At that time, he'll decide whether he actually wants to. That process isn't gong to take long. And actually, having had experiences in relationships, my intuition is that he doesn't, so she should realize that she may not hear what she wants to hear, and that's a pretty common thing. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 By the time someone gets the courage together to ask about breaking up, especially if you aren't married or have kids or otherwise entangled in a serious way... it's done. They've decided it already, you're just finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
gisiebob Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 On 7/13/2019 at 5:30 AM, CBC said: Also I'd like to remind the people saying stuff like she can do better and that relationships should help you both grow into better people (which they should, but that's beside the point)... cannabis isn't, like, meth. Of course I don't know anything about this guy whatsoever, but he may be a great person and fine just as he is. It may be a case of differing values and priorities, not someone being able to do better. no one's sayin yur a bad man for getting high, keep yer 420blazeit shirt on. jeez. but what is being said is this dude putting 'getting high' above 'compromising in a relationship' in his priorities. 's kinda a big deal Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: If she's asking him to change something fairly significant about his lifestyle, it's going to be a substantial compromise. Presumably she knew about his weed use when they got together. Sounds like she knew he did it and he knew she wasnt OK with it and he decided to give it up to make it work but now hes not as happy together so giving it up is now an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 43 minutes ago, gisiebob said: no one's sayin yur a bad man for getting high, keep yer 420blazeit shirt on. jeez. Compliments on your elegant language. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Yeah, you're right, on re-reading. As I said elsewhere re the OP --- sounds like he's changed his mind about the relationship and is trying to articulate a bunch of things as to what his reasons are. Not saying he's lying, just flailing around a bit as he tries to articulate a gut feeling more rationally. Yeah. Its kinda funny how giving something like that up is easy... when happy together but the moment that happiness in the relationship goes, it feels like a huge burden to not do something and the habits that drive your partner nuts tend to come back and you can almost resent not doing them in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Please keep the content of this thread on-topic and refrain from disparaging comments toward other members. Link to post Share on other sites
gothicfairy Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 Well he left me. He feels like lately our relationship has felt more like a friendship and that's not enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Caqa294 Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 45 minutes ago, gothicfairy said: Well he left me. He feels like lately our relationship has felt more like a friendship and that's not enough for him. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I know it doesn't help much, but have a virtual hug (or slice of cake if you'd prefer) from me.🤗 Link to post Share on other sites
J. van Deijck Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 *sends hugs* that's all I can do. I hope everything's going to be alright Link to post Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening Posted July 27, 2019 Share Posted July 27, 2019 I know you're mourning the loss of the relationship right now, particularly a fairly long one at such an important time of your life, but leaving you was the best thing he could have done. A relationship shouldn't involve making big sacrifices to try to make it work, it should be fairly effortless like living with your best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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