How old were you when you realized your'e an asexual individual? What brought upon the realization?

[NickyTannock]

@Iamace A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Rainbow Lamb Cake,

[Hunji Qi]

I realized that I am asexual this March when I am 22 years old, but I have always been this way. Experienced romantic attraction towards my fromer best friend yet never confessed to him. It took me over a year to figure out that I had feeling towards him. I always knew that there is something about me that is different from everyone else around me. The idea of cute and hot never makes any sense to me, but people are quite obsessed with them. Therefore, to understand what they are talking about, I drew a matrix of aesthetic to graphically define cuteness. When people are really interested about romance and sex, I just don't get it. People ask me about if I have a boyfriend all the time, but I wondered why they are so into this when there are a thousand different questions they could've asked me, like how my day had been. As a result of my "coldness" to relationship, I received the nickname of Queen Elsa. I was told that I process impossible standards but it just doesn't feel right. They went on saying that I feel this way because I haven't found the right one, but again that doesn't sound plausible either.  I found out about my asexual orientation from my women's psychology textbook. I read the definition of asexuality over spring break and all of a sudden it dawned on me. It was such magical realization since everything that made no sense before, everything that was wierd about me all came down to the answer of asexuality. Suddenly, I am not deviant, and I stopped blaming myself for my disinterest regatding relationship. Currently, I am a proud asexual.

[3Xi3X]

Hi! Since I was around 10 years old I really became aware of the fact that I had a different view on people and relationships and sex. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t have a word to describe it, to explain me. I tended to hang out with girls a lot. I’ve always admired their beauty. I never thought to make out or have sex with them. In middle school, guys started to get insecure because I was always surrounded by all types of girls. They accused me of being gay, not very nicely either. (Some of them turned out to be in the closest themselves at the time.)

 

I didnt understand any of it. Luckily I was able to openly talk to my mom about it and I explained to her how I was being picked on in school. She never made me feel bad or told me what to think. She always asked me what I thought, what I felt, what did I want?

 

I didn’t know there could be a difference in physical or sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I didn’t see why just because girls were “pretty” that guys couldn’t be “handsome” too without it being “weird”. 

 

In high school I was fortunate enough to have some very aesthetic looking and popular girls pursue relationships with me. But I would get pressured into being intimate and making out, they all wanted to have sex. I thought it was irresponsible and I should just make myself wait and be older and ready for kids... I really could have used a condom and been careful like so many others. I just wasn’t interested.

 

i went most of high school single and happy. After that I still didn’t have much interest in relationships or anything. 

 

I’ll never forget the summer between middle school and high school when I ended up in an awkward position with another guy. He tried to get intimate with me and I thought, well maybe i’ll finally feel something I haven’t with a girl yet. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I stopped him at some point, he wanted to continue and I felt nothing.

 

It was looking back at all of this that I learned that I only got close to those people enough to even attempt intimacy because I cared about them and I romantically got to know them somehow first.

 

All these years I never had a word to tell people how I felt. Just recently I saw the word “asexual” and was like “what is that?” So I opened a dictionary to find out. And wow. Finally. I know what I am

[BumbleBeee]

I've always been adamantly against dating and marriage since I was a kid- I wouldn't think about it, and I'd be fine watching other people be romantic, but if anyone brought up me having a relationship I would always react as though that was IMPOSSIBLE. Then, when I was around fourteen, I began to worry about being sociopathic due to several behavioral traits linked to me being asexual (ie, not related in romance, difficulty maintaining close relationships, panicking when asked out/told I was liked romantically) and spent a few years consistently worrying about being broken, etc. Then when I was around mid-sophomore year, I finally found the term asexuality and was so relieved that I wasn't broken, although I spent the first few months of research being worried I just wanted to be special and that asexuality didn't actually exist or fit me due to my households ideals towards the LGBTQ community.

[Rili]

I realized I am asexual last month (June) at 14 years old. My ace friend had already come out to me, and one day we ended up talking about asexuality. After that I started questioning if I was ace because some of what we talked about sounded like me. Over the weekend I did lots of research about it and thought a lot about it. I came back to my friend after the weekend and told them "I think I'm asexual" and right then I knew that I am!

[Janus the Fox]

Nothing in particular made me realise, not until college age about 24 I think which accumulated with the asexual realisation along with the eventual autism diagnosis

[Philip027]

I was never in question about the way I was ever since I first learned what sex even was (age of 14, so comparatively late to most).  The only thing that changed was eventually discovering there was a name for it, which didn't happen until over a decade later.

[Audrey03]

I realised earlier this year when I joked about not liking the idea of sex and one of my friends suggested that I could be ace (I was probably 15 at the time but my birthday came around and I was still figuring things out, so 15/16, lol). The thing is, I never really got that most people my age went through a phase where they started looking at people differently (sexually). Whenever people would go "[This person] is hot," I didn't know that they were attracted to whoever they were referring to. There's this quote from a Tumblr post that sums it up pretty well: "You just - you don't notice, you don't realise everyone else has 'had a moment' but you haven't, you just - keep going through life as you always have."

And then I started thinking about my sexuality (because before I had never really questioned it) and researched asexuality a bunch and here I am! 

[anzu2snow]

I had an inkling at 16 when a fellow classmate came out to me. There wasn't much info on it at the time, even online. I denied it until I was 31. (I'm 34 now.) I had overheard someone mentioning it while getting ready for Pride. (I thought I was an ally of that local trans group, especially because my parent started the group.) I looked into it after that. There was a much bigger community online than when I was 16. I embraced it after that. Funny thing was I felt hesitant about being aro at first, too. I looked into my romantic orientation a few months after realizing I was ace. Realized I definitely am aro, as well. For me, I think I somehow wanted to be 'normal' or like everyone else around me. Surely my romantic orientation would be 'normal'? Nope. Now, I embrace it, too. Roughly a year ago, I realized I was agender. I think realizing I am aro and ace let me think more about other aspects of myself. So, the process of realizing all 3 seems related that way. 

[aiya]

I hope most of you realize how fortunate you are to "find yourself" so early in life. None of this existed when I was younger, so while I knew I was different at around 11, I did not learn how different until I was 54, I am 64 now. At the very least, I now tell myself "There is nothing wrong with me after all!"

[Zagadka]

I feel like I was oddly lucky. As an "outcast", my friends in jr high/high school were never sexually active, so it never got brought up. They expressed interest in other people, of course, but it was never a thing we talked about (we were also fairly religious/conservative). I was never pressured into dating or having sex.

 

The one relationship I did have, which was with a perfectly wonderful woman I did enjoy being close to and still enjoy being friends with (and still trust absolutely), ended and I realized... or rather, DIDN'T realize... I spent many years trying to find my attraction/sexuality. I didn't realize that I didn't NEED to need that until much later. I wish I had,it would have saved me a lot of pain. All I hope I can do is to help one person come to that realization earlier.

[Guest]

On 7/20/2019 at 7:00 PM, aiya said:

I hope most of you realize how fortunate you are to "find yourself" so early in life. None of this existed when I was younger, so while I knew I was different at around 11, I did not learn how different until I was 54, I am 64 now. At the very least, I now tell myself "There is nothing wrong with me after all!"

I feel like this too, I'm 46 and just realised. All my life kind of flashed before my eyes as I realised why I've had so many problems. It's comforting to know now, but I wish I had known sooner!

[Philip027]

Quote

I hope most of you realize how fortunate you are to "find yourself" so early in life. None of this existed when I was younger, so while I knew I was different at around 11, I did not learn how different until I was 54, I am 64 now. At the very least, I now tell myself "There is nothing wrong with me after all!"

In my case, I wouldn't phrase it as "finding myself" but more as being a real headstrong opinionated bastard that never fit the mold well anyway, so hell, why start here?

 

Apparently my autism is probably at least partly to blame here.

[Ess-Kat]

I was 17, a few days from being 18 years old. Some people in my college group were talking about sexual experiences ( don't ask how it come up) and I realize that everything they said was not interesting...I suppose. It sounded boring and not something I was waiting to do. Shortly after that I found the term asexual and found out what it means; then came finding AVEN.  It has been roughly 3 years now that I identified as asexual and aromantic. 

[maybeimamazed]

I knew I was aromantic about five years ago (I'm currently 27). I was unfamiliar with the term until a couple of years after that, when an online friend told me about it after I explained what I felt.

 

I was fresh out of college and the full extent of my experience with sex and dating was:

a) a handful of short-lived crushes a decade before, when I was a teenager. I had those crushes on people I had never talked to before.

b) a makeout session with this one guy I found mildly cute, for no reason other than "what the hell, I still haven't kissed anyone! Might as well get this over with".

 

Because of those crushes I mentioned, I didn't identify as ace until last year (I didn't consider those experiences as romantic attraction because - like I said - I had never exchanged a single word with the people I had a crush on). Up until then I identified as aro and bisexual, because I realized I felt the same thing for men and women. But it turns out I was just confused about what sexual attraction was. What I feel equally for men and women is aesthetic attraction. I have never had sexual fantasies. I've never pictured myself in sexual contexts. What I felt for those crushes was just aesthetic attraction a bit more intense than usual because of teenage hormones.

Edited July 22, 2019 by brehasolo

[ShoIchi89]

For me it was somewhere between 26/27 and 30. With 25 I moved to my first own flat and I suffered from being separated of my first love for a long time (we lived together until then). Around one year later I wanted to know whats going on with me and I stumbled upon the german AVEN forum but I never thought completely about me as an ace. That was my first contact with it. Yeah... Now I'm 30, travelworking in Australia and had a shitty hormone day and I found this website and now I am like "it is how it is. I am asexual." this page is a lot better than the german forum! 

I want a black ring or an ace bracelet :3 

[leeluvssquids]

I was talking about a crush I had in 9th grade with my cousin, and the usual teasing ensued of like, “Ooooh you wanna bang her?” And I replied no, and my cousin jokingly said, “What are you asexual?” I had heard of it before but it didn’t occur to me until then that I could be asexual. I think my cousin regrets saying that though because that started my long questioning phase that I’m pretty much still in. I’m pretty sure I would’ve gotten there whether or not she had made that joke

[CeciThorne]

I was 14 almost 15. A freshmen at high school and well..... I denied and lied to myself until a few years ago and others. I'm now 27 and just starting to accept myself. Took my little sister and her demanding to be known by her preferred pronoun. 

I never really got the memo to like other people. Or to feel the urge to be with them. I can admit they look nice or what not. But the jokes, flirts, and thoughts of 'that' never made sense to me. I dated to just fit in, to hide the fact of how different I am.

I didn't want to be asexual. Most of my family would not be happy and could cause problems. I had friends that were unaccepting of certain things asexuality included. Plus at that time I was in counseling for a problem of mine and anxiety. One of the counselors was a firm believer in corrective therapy. I was and still am terrified. I only been this site for two days but I think I can accept myself. Thank you.

[nyaga_roxas]

I started reading about the asexual spectrum after finding a  tumblr post which compared different sexual orientations to eating cake. The comparison for demisexuality was something like "only eating cake that I know or that I have eaten before", and I was like "Wait, so it's not normal to want to have sex only with people you know?". So then I started questioning and reading more things about this topic. I couldn't believe I might be different than what is considered "normal" until I started a training course for a job, and there I met a girl that, after my first day, to make some conversation, asked me "So, are there any hot boys in your class?" and I didn't know how to answer, because to me it wasn't a priority at that time. So then she asked me "Isn't there any guy in your class that you'd have sex with?" and I was like "Well, no, I mean, I don't even know them!". And I think that was the first real moment in which I started thinking I might not be "normal" after all.

Then, about a month ago, I realized I must be demi. There was this colleague of mine (who also happened to be my housemate), that apparently everyone at work considered really hot. To me, he was just a good looking guy: aesthetically pleasing, but nothing more. I kept hearing people saying things like "Wow, he's so hot!", "Wow, he's got great abs!", "He looks like a Ken doll", but to me he was just a colleague like the others. I realized I started changing my mind when our timetables matched and we worked together for some days: he gave me lifts to work, he brought me back home after work, he asked me about my following working days, so that he could give me a lift... He also showed some kind of interest in me (most probably as a friend) and was able to pronounce my name correctly (he was from a different country and my name is quite difficult to pronounce for foreigners). I began changing my opinion about him, and I started realizing that my colleagues were right to call him "hot" (well, I still wouldn't want to have sex with him on the spot, but a remote thought would cross my mind).

I thought I had become like this as a consequence of an abusive relationship I was forced into (because a nosy aunt wants to find me a boyfriend), but I thought about it, and I realized I have always been like this. Is this considered not normal? I don't care! I've accepted this and that's what counts.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I realized when I was 19 and a sophomore in college, I came across an article on asexuality and while I went into it wanting to be a better ally and know what it was, I left realizing that I was one of them haha.

[NewGal2810]

After reading these posts, I am a bit envious of the folks who figured out their sexuality (rather, asexuality) at such a young age... 

 

I realized about a month ago, and I am 33 (and married, and have 2 kids). Husband and I have been struggling with our sex life for pretty much our whole marriage, he felt unloved and I felt broken. And then I stumbled upon the term "asexual" on reddit, looked it up, found this site, and felt the BIGGEST wave a relief as I realized that I am asexual (and that I am not broken). I "came out" to my husband a few days after I figured it out, and while we still have a lot to work on in our marriage (because sex will always be an issue), we now have words to use to talk about it, we have stopped blaming each other, and he has been so fucking supportive. 

 

I wonder if knowing earlier on would have saved us a lot of stress and heartache? Or if it would have caused more stress and heartache? Or if the stress and heartache is just inherent in life, and this is how I experience mine...(I think its this one)

 

 

[Sacomoto Asuka]

I knew I was different in regards to my sexuality from others my age when I was around 20 but I didn't have a term or definition for what I felt and thought until this year, at the age of 26, and started researching the through blogs and found this website which helped me realize that I wasn't alone.  I realized i was different when a "friend" tried to make sexual advances towards me and I realized I didn't want any of it and never had which made me more confused because all my life I had been told that humans are sexual beings and should want sex, But no one ever seemed to say anything about if you didn't desire that, which helped me feel like an outcast.  So I constantly tried to force my self "like" men sexually because that was what a good christian girl should do right?  Be sexually attracted to men then have many babies because that was how people knew how much you loved each other (I am being sarcastic here i hope i didn't offend).  It was only when I started questioning my faith and what the Christian church had been telling me for years did I realize that it wasn't a bad thing to not desire sexual things and that didn't make me any less human, once I realized this my depression, that was looming over me for 10 years, lifted and I felt like a new person, I finally stopped fighting against who truly was.

Edited August 22, 2019 by Sacomoto Asuka

[WanderingKate]

I was 19 or 20...I think 19? And in my first sexual relationship, but it never got as far as actual intercourse because I had absolutely no interest. I would never initiate nor would it cross my mind to initiate, and when he would i would just internally groan and brace myself for boredom. I would pretend to be into it because I thought I was supposed to, but eventually that became exhausting. 

 

The moment it truly clicked was when he asked me about my fantasies, what I wanted to try in bed, etc.  I realized I didn't have fantasies...I had never even thought about what my sexual likes and dislikes might be because i didn't have any. It hit me like a ton of bricks...other people think about and fantasize about sex. 

 

From then on I googled why i didn't have sexual fantasies or desire sex, asexuality popped up, i researched for hours and never looked back. 

[griffinej5]

According to my registration here, I have probably known since 14 years ago, when I was 19. I will be 34 next week. I have no idea what would have triggered that at all. 

[AceOfManyYears]

In the early 2000s when I was in my mid-40s. Asexuality as a sexual identity was invisible and generally unknown until then. It was mind blowing to learn I was not unique, not alone, and not broken.

I, too, envy you who are finding your identity at a young age. And I wish you great success in navigating your lives as aces. 

Edited August 24, 2019 by KthelGood
To fix a typo

[NickyJames]

This year I think. (When I reached 18) aand well I was thinking that I would define that when I got the experience. Had one girlfriend. She told me I might be asexual when we broke up. Tought about it. Investigated about it. "Damit I might be ace"

[embrix]

I have recently found out that I am ace. I am 14, and I know that my sexual orientation may change. I have always thought sex was just weird - why do it for any reason than for having a kid? I also thought that I must be heterosexual - as thats what my parents want me to be. Turns out I’m ace and still questioning what I am romantically. At this point in life, I’d say I’m hetroromantic.

[AmishGeek]

As a teenager, hearing all the other girls and guys talk about how “hot” people are, and not really knowing why the word “hot” was applicable to humans. 

When I was in relationships, it seemed like most of the time when we were talking about dreams of the future, it always involved talking about how we would AVOID sexual encounters.

Being married was a big wake-up. My husband didn’t understand why I wasn’t keen to have sex often, as he was a person who would be considered incredibly sexy. (Think, David Bowie.) 

[Neutral Charge]

I literally realized it the day i joined aven, il always have the joining date to remind me of the day i felt free again

Edit: (December last year -30yo)

[SkeletonCat]

I also labored under the misapprehension that I was straight - or at least mostly straight - most of my life. I'd never so much as kissed anyone until I met my husband 5 years ago, so I just assumed that because I wanted to have a romantic relationship with a man, that meant I also wanted to have sex with a man. Unfortunately, since then, I've realized I would love to live a full and happy life without sex at all. Unlike most of the people above, I've gotten romantic crushes my entire life - to such an extent that when people talked about their sexual awakening, I didn't know what they were talking about, because I've always experienced the same kinds of feelings about my crushes, no matter my age. 

 

So, long story short, I realized my asexuality only last year, when I discovered AVEN at the age of 33.