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Do you think “love at first sight” is really a thing?


Anonymous Axolotl

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RakshaTheCat
47 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

Since I'm really fond of Lee's model...

I like this model, seems quite useful and solves tons of misunderstandings that arise when people talk about love while having different kinds on their minds.

Have you met many people who actually understand and use it?

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InDefenseOfPOMO
20 hours ago, Anonymous Axolotl said:

Your thoughts?

 

Do not underestimate how much information a person's appearance, demeanor, etc. conveys.

 

Do not underestimate people's ability to quickly process and evaluate that information.

 

It is becoming increasingly difficult to see the pure, authentic person. Whether you are interviewing somebody for a job or looking for somebody to go on a date with, the process increasingly means having to pass through many lists, checked boxes, statistics, etc.

 

Nonetheless, humans are, at the moment at least, still capable of spontaneity. Do not underestimate how much we instantly tell others about ourselves and how quickly they are able to process and evaluate that information.

 

If someone tells me that he/she knew right away that another person met his/her desires, needs, requirements, etc., I would not doubt what he/she is saying.

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3 hours ago, Marcin said:

I like this model, seems quite useful and solves tons of misunderstandings that arise when people talk about love while having different kinds on their minds.

Have you met many people who actually understand and use it?

Not really, just quite a few who react with "hey, never heard of that before, but it's pretty nifty" when I bring it up. :)

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2 hours ago, InDefenseOfPOMO said:

If someone tells me that he/she knew right away that another person met his/her desires, needs, requirements, etc., I would not doubt what he/she is saying.

You can't tell character that quick.

 

Same as to which boxes they tick before they even speak.

 

So it's all gut. Your gut may be right or wrong. For many, that rapid plunge would wind up in a critical life error. 

 

People like to take credit for always knowing when all falls into place. 

 

You never know what the other is made of until facing adversity together. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
13 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

Not really, just quite a few who react with "hey, never heard of that before, but it's pretty nifty" when I bring it up. :)

It took me nearly 7 years to come to the conclusion I feel romantic love, I'm far too alexithymic to attempt figuring all them out.

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RakshaTheCat
6 hours ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

Not really, just quite a few who react with "hey, never heard of that before, but it's pretty nifty" when I bring it up. :)

That's not very encouraging, although I guess I should have expected no one cares about things like that...

You also mentioned Storge as the one for relationship. Couldn't agree more, but I wonder, how easy it is to find people who share that kind of thinking about relationship? My inner 'cynical old man' tells me that everyone  (including asexuals) cares only about Eros and maybe some Ludus, but maybe you have some more positive data about it? 😺

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Forest Spirit

@Mysticus Insanus Really like this model too! Have read about it before but never went into that much depth (for some reason). I think it does help in getting a clearer picture of what one means with the word 'love' since that seems to be one of the main reasons why people's opinions on 'does love at first sight exist' differ. Whole-heartedly agree with Storge being a key component when it comes to 'relationships love', and for me personally Pragma is the second one when it comes to 'commited long-term partnerships'. So in that case, no I don't think 'love at first sight' is a thing. But sure, for other forms of love, the more instantaneous ones, yes.

 

I'd like to note that, personally, I really dislike the use of it in media. Not just because I can't relate (because that happens with enough things) but because it's used most of the time only if the other character (B, so the one character A 'falls in love at first sight') fulfills societies norms of beauty. I can't remember any film or series where character B isn't 'Hollywood beautiful' or has some kind of deformity or something (esp. regarding ones face). Just feel as if that reinforces beauty standards and 'you have to be pretty for someone to fall in love with you' or 'nobody wants to date you because you're "ugly"' which can really mess with your mind if you listen to it...

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My experience with my partner was 1) aesthetic attraction, 2) infatuation, 3) falling emotionally in love, and finally 4) long-term deep love over many decades.  The first 3 happened within several weeks.   No one who hasn't experienced that speedy progression has a right to say it never happens.   

In fairness though, you yourself admit that love was not something that happened at first sight, but that it was something that developed later from the initial draw, which is still in line with my whole point about what love actually is and how it simply isn't something that can be achieved without a knowledge of the person beyond initial outward appearance.  It would be like saying you can know for sure if a book is good or not just based on its cover.

 

Several weeks is still a far cry from "first sight" ;)

 

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My opinion is that love can be defined in different ways, it's a word that can unfortunately mean different things depending on 1) who is feeling it and 2) who they are feeling it for.

 

For example, I would have died for either of my kids (and still would) from the moment I saw them. That, to me, is love at first sight. I have gotten to know them better over time, as their personalities developed, but the feelings I have still existed from the moment I saw them.

Personally, I like to define the sort of thing like being willing to die for your kids (or anything else, really) not necessarily as love (although that can certainly factor in it), but rather devotion, which is a closely-related-yet-not-quite-the-same concept.  People throughout history have been willing to die for causes that they didn't necessarily love but could nonetheless say that they were devoted to.  Similarly, there's parents out there that can be kind of a dick to their kids but ultimately would still also die for them, yet I don't necessarily believe that willingness alone must mean that they love their kids.  There's more to love (as a concept) than just that.

 

Not trying to overwrite your own take on it (and definitely not trying to suggest that you're like one of the parents I suggest; not like I would know or anything), just offering another potential viewpoint.

 

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If someone tells me that he/she knew right away that another person met his/her desires, needs, requirements, etc., I would not doubt what he/she is saying.

If you believe that, I have this really cheap bridge I want to sell you...

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My teenage self would've replied 'yes' purely because I didn't have the experience, understanding of the meaning(s) of the term "love" & was influenced by the amount of Disney animations I'd watched at the time. 

 

"Love at first sight" is not something that I experience. Very rarely I would experience an intense sense of like for someone based on how we communicate & interact with each other & I would acknowledge this feeling as a wish to know them at a deeper level of who they are as an entire person. Aesthetics do nothing for me (I can identify when someone displays as conventionally appealing but I just don't become infatuated the way society may expect me to). 

 

If the feeling (of intense like) sits within me for a while, I would then consider whether to reveal it to the person I'm interested in as I know by now that it's my way of wondering if there is potential to start a relationship.

 

If the feeling is not reciprocated, I will know to focus my energy elsewhere. It doesn't stop me from continuing to like the person as a friend. It's good to have that sense of reality to move forward. 

 

Genuine "love" takes mutual effort, considerable care, compromise, sacrifice & ongoing communication. I don't think I could date anyone who doesn't understand this. 

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andreas1033

Yep, for me.

 

At this sort of thing, both people just connect straight away. Whether they do anything about it or not, is another matter.

 

Most people are sexual, and get this out of there system, as normally do something about it. Most people today assume i would think, its just lust, and they act on it, and get it out of there system, without thinking its more, until later, when they understand it was more.

 

Most people whom are sexual, especially today get there feelings for each other out of there system.

 

Science has conned people into believing all these interactions are just lust, so all young people growing up believe these things, until they experience it for themselves, and appreciate sometimes, things are more then they thought. But often then its too late.

 

Just glad being asexual, being dead to people, and there wills and drives is long gone in my life. Any potential, that this affects you, will dwindle eventually if you probably never allow these sort of things to happen.

 

So for me it does exist, but it also relies on both parties to act on it. Just because such things exist, does not mean people act on these things, as many times, they confuse these things with other things, and then later appreciate something more was going on.

 

Young people starting out in every generation, believe the rubbish, that everything is just lust feelings between two people, and they need to get it out of there system. Every gen that goes by, gets worse and worse at believing this, but like all groups, they appreciate later that science is not right about how they tell you, you interact with others. Lots of science is based on science peoples own perceptions. Most people are sexual in nature, and tend to project that mostly in all there interactions, and science has a massive flaw in how the observer effect skews what results they get in what ever observation they are making, in this thing, ie human interaction.

 

Science people will not accept there are asexuals, especially in west, where there society is based on forcing people to behave in certain ways, so they are driven to be doing what gov want.

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All I know is if someone I didn't know but just saw me told me "I love you" I'd be like "Okay?" *Walks away slowly*

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Absolutely. I was infatuated when I saw a very attractive athletic woman way back then.

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On 7/12/2019 at 1:48 AM, Marcin said:

I like this model, seems quite useful and solves tons of misunderstandings that arise when people talk about love while having different kinds on their minds.

Have you met many people who actually understand and use it?

I wish I had known of different forms of love years ago, because I fell for someone once and since I didnt experience infatuation, I let them go. And was immediately hit with the feeling like I had murdered someone (Is that what killing love feels like?) and for months I couldnt understand why I had trouble living without them.... it was not like the first friendship I had to let go and objectively, it was like any other friendship I have had.

 

Anyway, I have experienced various forms of love- Eros, Storge and Ludos. All of them had agapic tone to it (even tried setting someone up with others because thats how much I loved them and wanted to see them happy, despite feeling sad that I wasnt the best person for them).

 

On 7/12/2019 at 12:09 PM, Marcin said:

You also mentioned Storge as the one for relationship. Couldn't agree more, but I wonder, how easy it is to find people who share that kind of thinking about relationship? My inner 'cynical old man' tells me that everyone  (including asexuals) cares only about Eros and maybe some Ludus, but maybe you have some more positive data about it? 😺

I think people care about Eros because its easy for many. Easy to get infatuated, no need to put in much effort since hormones do most of the work. Thats why eros doesnt last long, and in long term relationships, romance eventually evolves into storge (hence why people talk about romance fading in relationships).

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5 hours ago, Gloomy said:

All I know is if someone I didn't know but just saw me told me "I love you" I'd be like "Okay?" *Walks away slowly*

I had someone tell me they were falling in love with me after three dates, and I ran and never looked back. 

 

If you start talking marriage, and I haven't even asked you to be my girlfriend yet, I leave knowing you are a stage 5 cling on the moment you catch feelings for someone. 

 

There is just no way that you know you will love someone just looking st someone. 

 

I could agree after a little dialogue, that you just *knew*. 

 

But just looking at them? Bull. 

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lmao no. probably confusing it for lust at first sight ahah. i believe love is much deeper than superficiality but that's just my opinion on it all. 

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20 hours ago, Perspektiv said:

I had someone tell me they were falling in love with me after three dates, and I ran and never looked back. 

 

If you start talking marriage, and I haven't even asked you to be my girlfriend yet, I leave knowing you are a stage 5 cling on the moment you catch feelings for someone. 

Stage 5 cling, ha!

I ghosted someone after they said they were falling in love with me. We had only exchanged pics and texts and talked over phone once. I didnt believe they were in love, felt like they said it just to get my commitment or something.

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5 hours ago, Chihiro said:

We had only exchanged pics and texts and talked over phone once.

Yeah, that's pretty creepy.

 

As much as I like to think I am a great guy, I would question any woman falling for me within days. 

 

My humor usually wins them over but even then, its still a couple months. 

 

I am personally insanely slow. Quickest I have dropped the L bomb was 6 months. 

 

To avoid crushing egos I tell the women I really like them, and only say the word back once it feels natural. 

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The best way to prevent falling in love is to get to know the other person better.

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RakshaTheCat
4 hours ago, Homer said:

The best way to prevent falling in love is to get to know the other person better.

Hehe, true. For me this is pretty universal, works with friends too. For example, the best way to not have any friends is to get to know other people better. Makes me mentally 'run for the hills' every time I get to know someone 'too well' 😺

 

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I don't believe in such a thing.

I mainly analyze their personality, their wit, and intellegence before appearance.

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@Perspektiv I don't think that there's anything wrong with taking things slowly. I'm all for taking my time and getting to know someone first before I verbally express my feelings to them. I'm the type of person who's reluctant to use the L word, though. I'm much better at showing someone that I care about them through my actions. I'm fine with telling someone that I care about them, but that usually comes down the road at some point. The fastest someone told me that they loved me was the day AFTER I decided to go out with them. In the end, they wound up being the type of person who used the L word a bit too much, yet didn't have the actions to back up what they said. 

 

In regards to the OP's question, people have been asking about love at first sight for ages. In my opinion, I'm not so sure about that. I think it's possible to be attracted to someone at first sight, but love? That seems like a stretch to me... How can you love someone when you barely know them? 

 

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21 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

In the end, they wound up being the type of person who used the L word a bit too much, yet didn't have the actions to back up what they said. 

That is usually the case. They pressure you to be weak, in order to manipulate their intended target who is eventually too "loved up" to think straight. 

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2 hours ago, Perspektiv said:

That is usually the case. They pressure you to be weak, in order to manipulate their intended target who is eventually too "loved up" to think straight. 

Is that what that is? Whenever I hear the L word dropped really early in a relationship, I feel this strong urge to run for the hills... 

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4 hours ago, Just Dani said:

Is that what that is?

From my personal experience, and what I have seen, when one was pressured heavily to love another, there usually weren't good intentions behind things.

 

I think with my brain, and anyone trying to get me to think differently (or gaslighting me to ditch my instincts, and rely solely on my heart) usually were self-serving on their own intent. I know a lot of players, and my father was one, and there was a common fact to them. If they (their intended targets) were in love, they would do anything for you and expect little in return. 

 

Love is a choice. Anyone trying to convince you of otherwise, isn't in love with you. They're in love with controlling you.

 

Like they say: "Control their minds, you control their bodies".

 

I don't know. I've always hated that "love at first sight" saying. It's flawed and unrealistic, just like that movie ideal that you could cheat on someone multiple times, move on--and 20 years later, they still look like they did back then, and will want you back O_o

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No because you don’t know much about a person by just looking at them. You could guess that they like a tv show if the show is advertised on their shirt. The way a person dresses can tell you something about them, the way they walk, are they looking down or at stuff around them?, are they looking at their phone as they walk?, etc. However, there are things that people can’t tell about someone by simply looking at them once. Someone may look cute, but you would still need time to learn if they have similar hobbies/interest to you, have a personality that works with yours, similar sense of humor, etc.

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On 7/18/2019 at 1:49 AM, Perspektiv said:

From my personal experience, and what I have seen, when one was pressured heavily to love another, there usually weren't good intentions behind things.

 

I think with my brain, and anyone trying to get me to think differently (or gaslighting me to ditch my instincts, and rely solely on my heart) usually were self-serving on their own intent. I know a lot of players, and my father was one, and there was a common fact to them. If they (their intended targets) were in love, they would do anything for you and expect little in return. 

 

Love is a choice. Anyone trying to convince you of otherwise, isn't in love with you. They're in love with controlling you.

 

Like they say: "Control their minds, you control their bodies".

 

I don't know. I've always hated that "love at first sight" saying. It's flawed and unrealistic, just like that movie ideal that you could cheat on someone multiple times, move on--and 20 years later, they still look like they did back then, and will want you back O_o

Good points you have there. 

 

I believe in thinking logically about things, and I don't like to rush into anything. At the end of the day, I'm a pretty practical person. I hate gaslighting as well. Been at the receiving end of too much of that crap in the past, and I refuse to put up with it ever again. I also don't like the pressure some people have given me to say the L word back after they said it to me. I don't think that it's real love if it has to be threatened or coerced out of someone. 

 

I agree - love IS a choice. If it's all about controlling you, then it isn't actual love. 

 

"Love at first sight" does seem unrealistic to me. Does it still count as love if someone claims that they fell in love with you at first sight, but then they suddenly change their mind once they get to know you? 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Just Dani said:

Does it still count as love if someone claims that they fell in love with you at first sight, but then they suddenly change their mind once they get to know you? 

That's still lust to me, until you get to know them. 

 

Love is earned. 

 

To say you can earn a person's love just looking at them to me, is the equivalent of someone predicting sun tomorrow with no tools and taking credit for an accurate read.

 

Most who "knew" they were the one, make such judgments many times in their lives. 

 

Basically that feeling has no accuracy to it. It's just a hunch, until the love is confirmed. 

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On 7/16/2019 at 1:00 AM, Homer said:

The best way to prevent falling in love is to get to know the other person better.

For me its the other way round. The more I know about someone I like, the more I am likely to fall in love with them.

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1 hour ago, Perspektiv said:

Love is earned. 

Not necessarily. Love can be given. Or earned. Or both. I dont believe in love at first sight, but I have seen many one sided love where someone is willing to do anything for the person they love even when the other person doesn't give a damn.

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