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Lemarks

I think I’m in a relationship with an asexual

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Lemarks

Hi everyone,

 

I’ve read a lot of topics about this subject and I need to open up about my relationship. I met my boyfriend two years ago on Grindr. It was love at first sight. We have everything in common, from taste in music to videogames, politics to movies, food to clothing. I decided to take things slowly specially because past dates went cold after we had sex “too soon”. After two months I was craving for some action and he was very eager to it. We didn’t had penetration only oral. After this day I tried to have sex with him and excuses after excuses we had sex after six months. During this period we argued sometimes about it but you know we are in love... after the first time took another month for us to have sex again. And after two years we still have struggles over this subject.  A month ago we were watching a tv show, slasher s3, and one character found out she was asexual. She had the same approach to sex as my boyfriend. I found out this web site and I could see that my boyfriend fits in so many shoes here. I spent some time reflecting and I realised he has never reached me for sex, or passionate kisses, or gave me compliments about me body in a sexual way, he has never came during sex or even masturbated. When we have sex he is very active and seems to enjoy it a lot. But I feel it as he is enjoying the stimulation not the act. I miss the desire and the passion. We talked and talked about it but he will never change because this is who he is. I love him but this situation is affecting me so hard that I feel lonely sometimes... I just wanted to share my experience and idk see all of it from another perspective.

 

Leandro, 31yo.

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Jona Rhys

Hello Leandro and welcome.

Have you spoken to your partner about asexuality? Does he think he is asexual?

I guess it's safe to assume that you will never be desired by him in a sexual way. The question is whether you can feel connected and close regardless. Are you sure that the sex issue is the only reason you're feeling lonely?

 

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James121

1) he could be asexual 

2) he could be sexual but inexperienced 

3) have you considered whether there is anything physical that may be putting him off? Smells/tastes etc?

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Lemarks
On 7/10/2019 at 4:48 PM, Jona Rhys said:

Hello Leandro and welcome.

Have you spoken to your partner about asexuality? Does he think he is asexual?

I guess it's safe to assume that you will never be desired by him in a sexual way. The question is whether you can feel connected and close regardless. Are you sure that the sex issue is the only reason you're feeling lonely?

 

Hi! And thank you! Well, we were watching the tv show together and we talked about this subject. He thinks he might be asexual but he didn’t research about it and when I ask him about it he shut himself. I mean I feel lonely in a way that I think I’m the only one worried in this situation and tbh I think I am. I guess the feeling is frustration. He is this way and I can’t “blame” him or myself. I love him so much and I’m trying to understand my feelings right now. I’m confused and I don’t want to give up this relationship only because of sex. We work together pretty. Take off the sex issue, our relationship is great. 

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Lemarks
On 7/10/2019 at 7:42 PM, James121 said:

1) he could be asexual 

2) he could be sexual but inexperienced 

3) have you considered whether there is anything physical that may be putting him off? Smells/tastes etc?

I think is number 1). He had another boyfriend and recently he said he had sex issue with him as well. He have sex but it’s always me who ask for it.

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Sally
27 minutes ago, Lemarks said:

 I’m confused and I don’t want to give up this relationship only because of sex. We work together pretty. Take off the sex issue, our relationship is great. 

When someone (in this case, you?) feels that sex is part of a romantic relationship, it will be difficult to "take off the sex issue."  You may have to really be honest with yourself and determine if you can deal with a relationship that's "mixed."  

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Jona Rhys
1 hour ago, Lemarks said:

He thinks he might be asexual but he didn’t research about it and when I ask him about it he shut himself.

I'm assuming he is scared or worried about admitting to be asexual. It is not easy finding out you're not into something 99% seem to be absolutely crazy about. It can leed to feeling broken and lonely.

And as you already said, sexual orientation can't be changed. He might be thinking that he is the problem, being the the one with the minority orientation. Maybe he knows that his being asexual would jeopardize the relationship, so he tries not to think about it. Or maybe he is actually thinking about it a lot but he doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

Apparently this has been going on for a long time and there are plenty of unresolved feelings of guilt, shame, fear, confusion and the like.

 

1 hour ago, Lemarks said:

I think I’m the only one worried in this situation

Well, I dunno about him, but when I was in a mixed relationship with a sexual I was very aware of my partner wanting to do things I didn't. It evoked the horrible feeling of not being good enough for her, and even though she never pressured me into doing anything, I put myself under a lot of pressure.

 

This is not to say that you're partner has it much harder than you, but since you turned to an asexual forum for advice I suppose you want to know what might be going on in an asexual's mind in such a situation. This must be very difficult for both of you. I'm afraid unless you find a way of talking about this issue openly the relationship is at risk. Good luck!

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Memento1

Only he can identify as asexual, but part of why he may not want to talk about it could be because any conversation about his lack of sexuality feels like pressure to be sexual.  He may be more open to discussion if you affirm you're asking simply because you want to understand him on a deeper level, not because you're trying to "fix" him.  I'm sure that is not the way you mean it, but that is the way it sounds to an asexual when a sexual partner wants to discuss sexuality.  If he does open up, reflect what you hear, especially about his feelings, but don't add how you feel or what you think about it.  You can finish with "Thank you.  I feel like I understand and am closer to you now."  This may get him to be more willing to open up.

 

This conversation with him is a fact-finding mission.  Dealing with your own feelings is a separate issue, but just as important.  It sounds cliche but talking to a therapist may help in the short term.  Not because you're broken, or need to learn to deal with it, but simply because it's easier to really listen to him when you already feel listened to.  Feeling lonely, undesired, and rejected is not okay, and you deserve to be heard.  For the time being, he cannot really hear and be fully present for your legitimate feelings until he feels equally heard and unjudged.  You may not be the one judging him - he's probably judging himself based off what he's heard or experienced from others.  You can help him work through that - get to a place where you can both talk, be heard, and lessen each other's loneliness - but you'll need to temporarily get that need fulfilled elsewhere, and a therapist is a safe place to do that.  No matter how much deep love is there, it will fall apart if either one of you has to permanently hide or ignore your feelings.

 

I'm sorry you feel so frustrated, worried, and lonely.  It's an incredibly tough thing to go through, and I admire your courage to open up and tell us about it.

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MrDane

Sex, hotness, lust, desire, flirting, orgasm... may not mean the same to you guys! I think, that my wife could use the word ‘sexy’ about someone, but it wouldnt be more than a sum of things like: a fit body with low percentage of fat put, combined with a pretty face with white teeth, shown in a way that would attribute their body in a harmoniously way with a glimpse of sympathy in their eyes.” 

It would have nothing to do with getting a sexual vibe or an urge to touch or fantasize about getting it on, in a parallel universe. Sexy ass, just means pretty. Not mouthwatering, no difference in the breathing.

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Shinerys

Hi everyone, I'm new to all this too.  I am very sexual and have been married for 14 years to my bff and love of my life. Our marriage is great.  Sex has always been an issue though, and after doing some research I realize now that my husband falls somewhere on the heteroromantic asexual side of the spectrum.  Putting this all together is both a huge relief and leaves me in tears.  I'm crying as I write this!  It's a huge relief because I have never understood how we can love each other so much and have so much going in our relationship, yet fail so miserably when it comes to our different feelings about sex.  My husband doesn't know the term, at least I don't think he does.  I doubt that he would id himself as such.  But from my perspective, it is clear as day that this is what is the situation.  I always feel that I'm forcing him to have sex with me.  He hardly ever initiates sex.  It's heartbreaking to me.  I've never had such an experience in my past relationships and I've taken it so persoanlly for so many years.  I know he loves me, but he doesn't desire me and I've not know how to remedy that.  At least now that I have a clearer idea of asexuality, I can stop blaming myself for not being "sexy" enough and find a way to move forward. 

I would welcome thoughts/ advise from both asexuals and other sexuals in mixed marriages.  Thanks for your support.

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Telecaster68

Hi @Shinerys

 

There are a bunch of sexual partners in the 'Partners, Friends and Allies' section of this forum who'll understand your position, and you might want to start your own thread, but briefly, here are your options.

  1. No change - which means you stay in this position for the rest of your life and you find a way of getting used to it. Some people find masturbation, exercise, meditation, intense hobbies take the edge off. You'll also have to perform some mental gymnastics to separate your ideas about intimacy and attractiveness from sex. This is hard work, and mostly only seems to work partially and not all the time.
  2. Compromise - you and your partner have to talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. Always, not just a one off thing, and find a level of you having less sex than you want, and them having more sex than they want, and seeing if you can both sustain this. Frequently, one or both partners think they can deal with this indefinitely but sooner or later it turns out that one or both can't - it gets wearing. One thing to get your head round: your partner will never desire you sexually, not once, ever. You'll remain sexually undesired for the rest of your life, but some people can cope with this in the context of a relationship which is great in every other way. It also only works if they're not repulsed by sex and gets some kind of pleasure from sex on the level of giving you a massage.
  3. Opening the relationship - again, lots of communication and they agrees, with whatever conditions, to let you have sex with other people. It can work, and it sounds like a really simple attractive option, but for you, you're probably not after sex in itself but sex with your partner, and for your partner, it probably feels like they're failing you and this will just rub it in. They're also probably aware that sexual people almost inevitably develop some kind of feelings for long term sexual partners, and this could threaten your relationship. There are plenty on here who'll say that sleeping with someone else without their partner's knowledge knowledge - ie cheating - is just blanket always wrong, but if there are other elements (like kids, finances etc) that mean the damage from ending the relationship will be huge, and they just refuse to talk about it or countenance any kind of compromise, I think it's a pretty grey area, if risky.
  4. Splitting up - if none of this seems sustainable to you, then in the end you two are probably going to make yourselves miserable by continuing in the relationship. Contrary to Hollywood, love doesn't conquer all, and wanting a relationship which includes sex as a dealbreaking way of sharing intimacy isn't at all unreasonable. You're not the bad guy here, and there's no more onus on you to suppress your emotional needs than for them to suppress theirs. In that case, it may be better in the longer run for both of you if you split up.

It's not an easy or happy situation, and I'm deliberately not sugar coating it. 

 

Nobody owes another person sex, but two people in a relationship do owe each other communication and their best efforts to look out for each other's interests. It may be that counselling (individually or together) might help you find a way ahead together - and that's the way to frame it, not that they have to be 'healed' in some way.

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TimeDelay

Welcome @Shinerys I've not been here very long either and I'm sorry you are now 'one of us'. What Telecaster has outlined might only be making you cry more but he has hard won wisdom that you will need to take on board when you're ready. It's hard and everyone reaches full acceptance at different stages I'm sure. Have a look through some threads on this section of the forum. There might be something you find you can apply to your own situation. I'm stilling 'talking' with my husband but I've turned a couple of corners since finding AVEN. Good luck with your journey.

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anisotrophic

welcome @Shinerys! here's some cake: 🍰

 

I'm sorry, it's devastating to realize a partner may be asexual. I had some very pivotal discussions with my partner when I brought the possibility to him. In our case, we've done pretty well -- I was a sexual person, and he never treated sex like it shouldn't matter, but it's clear now that it was because he wanted me to be happy.

For us as a couple, lots of communication about this topic helped us, and learning about asexuality was key. We finally had an explanation that made sense. It took months, though; the first year is the hardest.

But it takes two to communicate and work through things, you can't force someone to communicate with you. Some partners try and fail, others feel like it's better not to raise the subject; you know your partner best.

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