Confused again

[InvisibleSquid]

I came out to my wife a couple weeks ago. Understandably, she's still upset about it, but now she's saying that she doesn't believe I'm ace. She did her own research (as I figured she would), and seems to think I'm not really ace, but demi. Fine, whatever, but her whole thing is that she believes that, given our past sex life, I can't possibly be asexual. She thinks maybe I lack sex drive because we've been together a long time, and I'm getting older, and maybe because of my sleep disorder affecting my testosterone levels, etc. I tried to tell her that my libido is fine, but that went nowhere. I told her I'd get my levels tested and do counseling or whatever, if it'd make her feel better. She told me to think back at the first half of our life together, and remember that I did initiate sex with her, and did desire her. And maybe that was the case, but could that just be me being sensually attracted to her, and that leading to sex? I never said I don't enjoy sex; I just don't really want it. I enjoy masturbating. I like the feeling. I like touching. I enjoy making her feel good. I get horny and things happen. We have several kids together. I mean, can asexuality just happen to people? How do I explain to her that I just never desire sex, even when I'm aroused? 

 

I figured out yesterday that I see sex like sushi. I do like sushi, but I'm rarely in the mood for it. If someone came to me with a plate of sushi, my reaction would be "That looks tasty, but I'll pass." There was a phase where I just craved sushi all the time. Now I can do without it. Sometimes I'll want a nice shrimp tempura roll, but for the most part I'm all set. My wife's favorite food is sushi. I feel like maybe that can relate to my sex life. Can an asexual person go through a phase where they actually desire sex for a time? Am I actually demisexual?? My wife hates that I feel like I need a label, but I feel like it helps my analytical mind process things. I'm confused again. Help..?

[Chihiro]

Asexuals will never desire sex. They may do it to please their partner but at no point in their life they will crave it or just want it. Your wife might be right. There are people for whom sexuality isn't constant. They experience it in phases. A lot of women feel this way, many no longer feel the need for sex after childbirth or menopause etc. Men too experience change in their sexual needs. Society may have us believe that all people are sexual and need sex all the time otherwise something is wrong and needs fixing. But society is wrong. I hope you can make your wife understand this, and hopefully the two of you can work out a solution.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

Glad I stumbled across this post first. While I may not be able to offer much at this point as I'm in my beginning stage of research and figuring out myself. Kudos for you on coming out... I have not done it for obvious reasons as I'm not sure. Its a concern of mine given how I read the reaction above. I see similarities in us though. I have kids, we were very sexual in the beginning, etc. You could be dealing with the societal stigma on men that we are these sexual beast. I mean, I was in the beginning and now I'm disinterested in it, sometimes disgusted by it.
Few questions for you as I think it will help me understand me and maybe even you:

• Libido? What's that, lol . Alright in all seriousness, you have one? Correct? Flip side of that I have none, a big zero for drive. Like do you really have a drive and just don't want to have sex?
• How do I explain to her that I just never desire sex, even when I'm aroused? Good question. Do you want to have sex, ever? I thought about this long a few weeks ago as my wife got mad at me since she caught me masturbating. It was a really late night and she was not understanding how I had the energy to do that and not intimate with her. I explained to her its not that I desired to do it, I wanted too. I wanted to because its what I used to do. Its easier for me. I don't have to worry about letting anyone down (as I do have performance issues from time to time). I threw out the notion of a heroin addict. It was the only thing I could think of and relate since we watch the addiction shows. I explained to here that a heroin addict has that desire to do the drug to chase the first high- which is why its so hard to stop and that's why they keep doing it. So for sex I explained to her I don't have that desire where a heroin addict does for the drug. Sure there's better ones out there but she seemed to have a better understanding when I explained that.

For me and trying to find my libido- I was talking to my therapist and we went through many things. Threw out ED and I said if I took Viagra I would walk around with an erection but what good would it do me if I didn't want to have sex? We brought up pheromones and that sensual attraction could have been a leading role in the sex but dissipated over time. Brought up porn habits and I admit- I look at some hardcore stuff but I always have. So I still do it based off of habit and not necessarily desire. I don't look at the pictures or porn and go ooohhhhh I desire her. I just like seeing them. I don't get any arousal from them. I've been treated for Low T and I didn't gain anything there.

 

49 minutes ago, Ace of J said:

can asexuality just happen to people?

Yes? I mean I'm still learning but don't see why it cant especially if we do not fully know who we are. I've only had two instances in life where I had a long term relationship. One was for about 3 years and the current (married). It happened about 9-12 months in, everything started fading away. Libido was tanking and lack of interest meant it went from a good amount to few times a week to few times a month and then maybe once a month or never.

• Were you ever in a previous LTR where this started happening?

Crazy thing for me is I'm sitting here and thinking about how my life has been. I'm not attracted to anything. I don't desire anything. I like looking and would want. But no desire to actually act out or fulfill a fantasy.

57 minutes ago, Ace of J said:

Can an asexual person go through a phase where they actually desire sex for a time? Am I actually demisexual??

Maybe? I have not experienced it but I don't see how it could be outside of the realm of things. Its certainly plausible I would think. However that would come down to the individual.

• Did she say you are Demi or did you come up with that?

And don't worry on her hating that you feel like you need a label. To me its a name, not a label- this just helps you identify with you. It gives you peace of mind understanding yourself and she needs to be a little more open minded, a growth mindset so to speak. I feel much better knowing that I maybe Asexual- which end of the scale for me is to be determined but finding something to possible grab onto is good. As I do have some biological issues and once they are ruled out- then what's left? Asexuality? Right? Hell I would think the good thing is that my wife would know I wont cheat, lol. If I have no desire at least I'm not looking. But our issue is that she feels its her. She not attractive enough, body shaming and blaming herself.

• What's her biggest issue then? If She thinks maybe you lack sex drive because you've been together a long time, and getting older, and maybe because of your sleep disorder affecting my testosterone levels, etc. Is she missing the intimacy? Sex? Feeling of being wanted?

[InvisibleSquid]

21 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

Asexuals will never desire sex. They may do it to please their partner but at no point in their life they will crave it or just want it. Your wife might be right. There are people for whom sexuality isn't constant. They experience it in phases. A lot of women feel this way, many no longer feel the need for sex after childbirth or menopause etc. Men too experience change in their sexual needs. Society may have us believe that all people are sexual and need sex all the time otherwise something is wrong and needs fixing. But society is wrong. I hope you can make your wife understand this, and hopefully the two of you can work out a solution.

And that's where I'm stuck. I keep trying to think back and consider my "motives" for sexual activity throughout my life. Was it always just to please my partner? Was it a way to "get off" without leaving someone out? Back in college I had a girlfriend who was a virgin. The relationship was sensual, but not really sexual (although I suppose there's a line there somewhere.) I didn't care, since I was perfectly happy the way things were. There was cuddling, touching, kissing, mutual masturbation, etc. but obviously no intercourse. I didn't feel like I was missing out. We eventually did have intercourse, but only when she really wanted it. The few other sexual relationships I've had were with very sexual people, so it was them initiating it 90% of the time. When I think back on sex with my current wife, my recollection was mostly that making her feel good felt good to me. I enjoyed sharing that with her. I don't believe I would've been sad if she didn't want it, whereas I know she is sad when I don't. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself.

 

25 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Libido? What's that, lol . Alright in all seriousness, you have one? Correct? Flip side of that I have none, a big zero for drive. Like do you really have a drive and just don't want to have sex?

I have a high libido. I get horny often, but I don't want to have sex with a partner. I'll either masturbate to take care of it, or I'll just find something else to do to take my mind off how I feel. I can watch porn or look at pictures and become aroused, but I couldn't imagine putting myself in those situations. 

 

28 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Were you ever in a previous LTR where this started happening?

See above.

 

30 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Did she say you are Demi or did you come up with that?

She brought it up. IDK maybe I'm demi, maybe I'm grey. I certainly WILL NOT have a sexual relationship with anyone I'm not deeply emotionally involved with, though. I could never imagine casual sex, and don't know how people do that. So maybe that's why she thinks I'm demi. 

 

33 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

And don't worry on her hating that you feel like you need a label. To me its a name, not a label- this just helps you identify with you. It gives you peace of mind understanding yourself and she needs to be a little more open minded, a growth mindset so to speak. I feel much better knowing that I maybe Asexual- which end of the scale for me is to be determined but finding something to possible grab onto is good. As I do have some biological issues and once they are ruled out- then what's left? Asexuality? Right? Hell I would think the good thing is that my wife would know I wont cheat, lol. If I have no desire at least I'm not looking. But our issue is that she feels its her. She not attractive enough, body shaming and blaming herself.

Thanks for that. She told me that I need to be open minded, and not just think I'm ace. I get it, but I am having trouble explaining to her exactly how I'm feeling. I don't want to hurt her more, and she does feel like it's her, that she's unattractive, etc. That part hurts. I think she's beautiful. And yes, I also think to myself "at least she knows I won't sleep around!" Haha! I guess that's not consolation enough, though.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

16 minutes ago, Ace of J said:

And that's where I'm stuck. I keep trying to think back and consider my "motives" for sexual activity throughout my life. Was it always just to please my partner? Was it a way to "get off" without leaving someone out? Back in college I had a girlfriend who was a virgin. The relationship was sensual, but not really sexual (although I suppose there's a line there somewhere.) I didn't care, since I was perfectly happy the way things were. There was cuddling, touching, kissing, mutual masturbation, etc. but obviously no intercourse. I didn't feel like I was missing out. We eventually did have intercourse, but only when she really wanted it. The few other sexual relationships I've had were with very sexual people, so it was them initiating it 90% of the time. When I think back on sex with my current wife, my recollection was mostly that making her feel good felt good to me. I enjoyed sharing that with her. I don't believe I would've been sad if she didn't want it, whereas I know she is sad when I don't. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself.

 

I have a high libido. I get horny often, but I don't want to have sex with a partner. I'll either masturbate to take care of it, or I'll just find something else to do to take my mind off how I feel. I can watch porn or look at pictures and become aroused, but I couldn't imagine putting myself in those situations. 

 

See above.

 

She brought it up. IDK maybe I'm demi, maybe I'm grey. I certainly WILL NOT have a sexual relationship with anyone I'm not deeply emotionally involved with, though. I could never imagine casual sex, and don't know how people do that. So maybe that's why she thinks I'm demi. 

 

Thanks for that. She told me that I need to be open minded, and not just think I'm ace. I get it, but I am having trouble explaining to her exactly how I'm feeling. I don't want to hurt her more, and she does feel like it's her, that she's unattractive, etc. That part hurts. I think she's beautiful. And yes, I also think to myself "at least she knows I won't sleep around!" Haha! I guess that's not consolation enough, though.

That's a tough one. I look back on mine and really try to dig in behind my motivation at the time. Sadly to say a lot of mine I feel were influenced by sexual desire, alcohol influenced. I looked at it as I desired to be with them, have fun, explore, basically rock their world. But then the ones it lasted longer for the relationship- my desire fell flat. Other than that it was casual sex for me so I never really would have picked up on the possibility of being asexual until being involved with someone either LTR/Marriage and things change.

 

"Was it always just to please my partner? Was it a way to "get off" without leaving someone out?" I think you need to dig deeper here. Its a good path to wind down and see where it leads you. For me- it was both. I aimed to please and then of course mutual orgasm.

 

Well at least you have a libido. I forget what that even feels like. I get where you are coming from as far as taking care of it. The wife/women could have a hard time understanding that and I would say that is from society and how we are portrayed. Men=Sexual Beast.

 

Between Demi and Grey- where do you see yourself? More one than the other? Have you compared the two much?

 

Well Ace is a start. As I have been researching it seems you dive in and are Ace but there are many sub layers amongst it. Ace to me is a more broad term, kind of like a group- just have to find your sub group that defines how you feel as a person. Sounds like we are in the same boat with the wives. She thinks all those things and I try to tell her its not her, its me. Mine wants me to be more affectionate, holding hands, etc. I just don't always even feel like doing that. Like I feel withdrawn from it all but I would still do it out of knowing they desire it.

 

Have you talked about a compromise on sex? Like since you really have no desire- what other options she would like for a consolation there? It could be that she attributes sex to feeling wanted. So maybe showing new ways that she's still wanted without having sex?

[InvisibleSquid]

3 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

"Was it always just to please my partner? Was it a way to "get off" without leaving someone out?" I think you need to dig deeper here. Its a good path to wind down and see where it leads you. For me- it was both. I aimed to please and then of course mutual orgasm.

I agree. Figuring out my motivation will definitely help me to define.

4 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Between Demi and Grey- where do you see yourself? More one than the other? Have you compared the two much?

I'd thought about it in passing, but never really compared the two deeply and attributed either to myself. I probably should.

5 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Sounds like we are in the same boat with the wives. She thinks all those things and I try to tell her its not her, its me. Mine wants me to be more affectionate, holding hands, etc. I just don't always even feel like doing that. Like I feel withdrawn from it all but I would still do it out of knowing they desire it.

Definitely. No one wants to hear the "it's not you, it's me" bit. Even if it's true. I've been trying to be more affectionate since telling her, to show that I love her. I'm not much for PDA, but I'll gladly hold hands and put my arm around her if it makes her happy. And I do enjoy cuddling and stuff like that. But it feels like it's not enough for her right now. 

 

9 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Have you talked about a compromise on sex? Like since you really have no desire- what other options she would like for a consolation there? It could be that she attributes sex to feeling wanted. So maybe showing new ways that she's still wanted without having sex?

She certainly does attribute sexual desire to feeling wanted. I wish we could find a compromise, but I think we need to get past this emotional upheaval first. 

[degenerate]

3 hours ago, Ace of J said:

How do I explain to her that I just never desire sex, even when I'm aroused?

You just did.

 

Truth is, the asexual label is not the problem or the solution to your problem here. The problem is you don't want to have sex with your wife, and she doesn't like that. And she's not going to like it, no matter how you try to explain it. You have a some options to keep your relationship. 1) You can stick to your guns, and try to make it up to her in other ways, see if she can stand that without hating you. Or just put up with her hating you and see if your relationship can withstand that. 2) You can open your relationship. 3) You can try to have some sort of sex compromise with her.

 

The reason she's resisting the asexual label is likely because she still harbors expectation of future sexual activity with you and she knows that you identifying as asexual is the signal from you that she has to give it up and accept celibacy. She doesn't care if you're asexual or not. She's just not going to accept forced celibacy like it's nothing.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

47 minutes ago, Ace of J said:

I agree. Figuring out my motivation will definitely help me to define.

I'd thought about it in passing, but never really compared the two deeply and attributed either to myself. I probably should.

Definitely. No one wants to hear the "it's not you, it's me" bit. Even if it's true. I've been trying to be more affectionate since telling her, to show that I love her. I'm not much for PDA, but I'll gladly hold hands and put my arm around her if it makes her happy. And I do enjoy cuddling and stuff like that. But it feels like it's not enough for her right now. 

 

She certainly does attribute sexual desire to feeling wanted. I wish we could find a compromise, but I think we need to get past this emotional upheaval first. 

I agree on getting past the emotional upheaval. Hopefully you have a path to go down now. Little more investigating on your end and then more communication with her to see if there's compromise for the lack of sex. She should be a little more understanding and open her mind to you being true to you and not what society says we are supposed to be. Its like playing role reversal- maybe when you communicate to put her in your shoes. Don't talk about you per se but say it as her through your feelings. Get her to visualize a different perspective.

[InvisibleSquid]

7 minutes ago, degenerate said:

1) You can stick to your guns, and try to make it up to her in other ways, see if she can stand that without hating you. Or just put up with her hating you and see if your relationship can withstand that.

I'm trying, but it's tough when what she wants is one specific thing. I'm hoping against the hate.

8 minutes ago, degenerate said:

2) You can open your relationship.

Honestly, if that's what it takes for her to continue being happy with me, then it's fair. I just don't know if that's something she wants.

9 minutes ago, degenerate said:

3) You can try to have some sort of sex compromise with her.

That's another possibility. Obviously I'm willing. But I think her problem is the fact that she knows I don't really want it, regardless of whether or not I'd do it.

3 minutes ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Get her to visualize a different perspective.

That seems almost hypocritical for me, since I didn't even consider how she felt about sex when I told her. I acted like it was no big deal, but it turned out to be huge for her. I'm not sure I can flip it like that.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

1 hour ago, Ace of J said:

That seems almost hypocritical for me, since I didn't even consider how she felt about sex when I told her. I acted like it was no big deal, but it turned out to be huge for her. I'm not sure I can flip it like that.

I can understand that. You may not have been as aware or sensitive to your feelings and instead went in on your own. The best thing I can say is acknowledge her. Acknowledge that she views sex differently and you want to understand how she feels about it? Start with that then maybe flip the roles. That way each can hear each other out, understand each other and work for a solution.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

Try looking here too. Some interesting stuff.

[TimeDelay]

3 hours ago, Ace of J said:

I'm trying, but it's tough when what she wants is one specific thing. I'm hoping against the hate.

Honestly, if that's what it takes for her to continue being happy with me, then it's fair. I just don't know if that's something she wants.

That's another possibility. Obviously I'm willing. But I think her problem is the fact that she knows I don't really want it, regardless of whether or not I'd do it.

That seems almost hypocritical for me, since I didn't even consider how she felt about sex when I told her. I acted like it was no big deal, but it turned out to be huge for her. I'm not sure I can flip it like that.

What I am gong to say will sound harsh. I don't mean it to be but there is no point in trying to dress things up. I feel for you, I really do because it sounds like you love your wife and genuinely want her to be happy with who you are and to accept your vision of a future life with your family. Do you want her to be happy for your own sake or hers though? If you coming out with the announcement took her unawares then of course she is going to be really confused right now. You have torn her whole world apart. The one thing that us sexuals who find ourselves married to asexuals struggle with is letting go of hope. Everyone is different in how they cope, or not, with this. If your wife is one of the luckier ones, she might relinquish hope soon and come to terms with an alternate future (including forced celibacy if she stays with you) but I can't imagine she is anywhere near ready to give her options much clear thought. It's impossible to think straight when one is in pain. 

[TimeDelay]

Someone suggested my husband might not be asexual either; they mentioned akiosexual but I've no idea what that means. something to do with only feeling arousal for novelty maybe? Might be worth researching along with everything else unless someone here is familiar with it and can shed some light on how to determine whether one is ace, grey, demi or something else...

In the end it doesn't really matter to the sexual person what the reasons are for their partner not wanting a sexual bond with them; the reason/s don't change the reality of the situation and there is absolutely nothing the sexual person can do about it. I think there is a kind of grieving process involved (at least it feels like grieving to  me). Please be gentle, loving and kind with her. Don't stop talking about how this is affecting EVERYthing unless you BOTH agree to take a break when the talking gets too intense. Also, please don't be patronising by acting like all you need do is 'acknowledge' her feelings and she'll get over it. Do that and she really will hate you. @FindingOutWhoIam I get that is not what you meant in your comment above but I wanted to point out clearly to @Ace of J that his wife needs a hell of a lot more than to just be 'acknowledged' right now. This is too important to mince words over.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

1 hour ago, TimeDelay said:

Someone suggested my husband might not be asexual either; they mentioned akiosexual but I've no idea what that means. something to do with only feeling arousal for novelty maybe? Might be worth researching along with everything else unless someone here is familiar with it and can shed some light on how to determine whether one is ace, grey, demi or something else...

In the end it doesn't really matter to the sexual person what the reasons are for their partner not wanting a sexual bond with them; the reason/s don't change the reality of the situation and there is absolutely nothing the sexual person can do about it. I think there is a kind of grieving process involved (at least it feels like grieving to  me). Please be gentle, loving and kind with her. Don't stop talking about how this is affecting EVERYthing unless you BOTH agree to take a break when the talking gets too intense. Also, please don't be patronising by acting like all you need do is 'acknowledge' her feelings and she'll get over it. Do that and she really will hate you. @FindingOutWhoIam I get that is not what you meant in your comment above but I wanted to point out clearly to @Ace of J that his wife needs a hell of a lot more than to just be 'acknowledged' right now. This is too important to mince words over.

Sometimes writing and explaining thoughts don’t come out clearly from my mind. I’m better at talking in person. I mean acknowledge like to not be dismissive about her feelings or if she states something-acknowledge that feeling that she feels. Incorporate it into conversation and discussion. I know I don’t always make a lot of sense sometimes. My minds all over the place. 

[InvisibleSquid]

This is tough because she’ll seem okay with me one moment, and then the subject will come up and she’ll start crying while she explains how she feels. Just yesterday she said she can’t even see a sex serene in a movie or show without becoming sad. I hate that I did that to her.

 

I know she still loves me, but I feel like she’s in denial right now. Maybe that’s part of this grieving process you talked about @TimeDelay, but I don’t know how she’ll get past it. I’m not asking her to be celibate. I’m not sex averse. She knows I’m willing to have sex with her to make her happy, but that’s the problem. She doesn’t want that from me if she knows I don’t really desire that from her. She’s said so herself. She wants to be wanted that way. I get it, but I can’t fix it.

 

She insists that I used to feel that way about her, but my thought is that what I felt was sensual attraction, not sexual. I enjoy being close to her, touching, cuddling and what-not. (Honestly I’m not even much for kissing anymore. But I kiss her sometimes to show her I love her.) Things go further, arousal happens, and we would end up having sex. Now, on my end, I would be fine stopping at messing around, and even mutual masturbation. Feels nice. On her end, she always needs intercourse. That’s the end game for her. So I don’t know how I could get her to a point where that part isn’t so important. Maybe I never will. That’s just part of her personality, and I can’t expect to change that. She doesn’t want to make me do something I don’t want to do, and I don’t want to deny her what she desires. It feels like a stuck place, and it sucks. 

 

We do need to talk more about it, but it’s been difficult. 

[InvisibleSquid]

@TimeDelay I found this about akiosexuality, also known as lithosexuality. I guess it’s still under the ace umbrella. 

https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Lithosexual

[TimeDelay]

9 hours ago, Ace of J said:

This is tough because she’ll seem okay with me one moment, and then the subject will come up and she’ll start crying while she explains how she feels. Just yesterday she said she can’t even see a sex serene in a movie or show without becoming sad. I hate that I did that to her.

 

It's tough because when she does not show outward signs of her pain you are content? Or it's tough when she does show outward signs of her pain and you then feel bad for her? Or for yourself? I am getting the impression that it is not only your wife who is in denial. Your wife is not "okay". You have lots of young children, right? So, amidst being told her husband no longer wants her she has to carry on nurturing all those other people in her life. Presumably life is still going on all around her; the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc All those mundane things that she can't just stop doing just because her emotions have been thrown into turmoil. You love your wife so it has to be also assumed she is kind and a good mother. You haven't mentioned anything to suggest she is in fact a cruel person who has turned you off sex through her unkind treatment of you, which would be  understandable. So, your wife is processing what you have told her while continuing to nurture an entire family. Who is nurturing her? 

 

[TimeDelay]

It's tricky to comment here without coming across as if I am attacking you personally. I truly don't want to do that but it seems to me from reading your posts and other married men's that there is not only a sexual disconnect at play but an emotional disconnect and a psychological disconnect also. You genuinely seem incapable of understanding how your wife is feeling and thinking. This is helping me understand why my own husband finds it so difficult to talk about who he really is or what he really wants (and does not want) from our relationship.

 

You might be regretting speaking up but no matter how hard this has made things right now (and likely will continue to be for some time) it is always better to be honest with your wife. Always. My husband did not tell me what was going on for him. He just kept "thinking things might change/get better". For nearly thirty years. That's a lot of rejection for a wife to deal with. So, you are doing the right thing bringing it out into the open because somewhere down the road you would run out of energy to fake sexual interest.

 

You can't rush your wife along however, to catch up to where you have already arrived at. I doubt she ever will get there. Not completely. There is no comfort in being told that a husband will not turn to someone else. You do understand that by shaking the foundations of her belief in you that she is now questioning everything she ever believed to be true? She will be looking back on your interactions together and questioning how much you were pretending, how much you faked pleasure, how much you just tolerated and most disturbing of all, how much you possibly found repugnant.

 

She might also be feeling like she was somehow very stupid to have missed clues over the years. If you did enjoy sex as much as you say then it's no wonder your wife is confused and doesn't believe you could be asexual. It has nothing to do with "societal norms", believe me. That is a load of rubbish.  The very fact that she believed you were something you were not, for years, is enough to undermine her trust in what you say from now on. So, even if you were to tell her you won't go off with someone else, can you reasonably expect her to believe that for the rest of her life?

 

Your wife will spend a lot of energy trying to understand 'why' you 'changed'. It is ultimately not going to help imo but it's something she also needs to do. It's all part of her trying to find solutions and help your marriage get back on track, so long as she has hope that's possible. You have to keep reminding her you love her and want her to be happy but you can't desire sex with her. Eventually it will sink in fully. Only then will she be able to consider the next step.

 

I have seen people on these forums say that their asexual partner will have sex as a compromise. When I fully understood my husband does not want even the smallest amount of intimacy it was all I could do not to throw up. How many times did he feel pressured to do something he didn't want, I don't know but it makes me feel sick to think about. So no, not all women can enjoy physical intimacy with a man who does not want it. 

 

All you can hope for is that she comes to terms with this somehow, in her own way. There is no predicting how long it will take. There is no predicting the potential impact on her mental health and self esteem either. These are all established facts, not idle surmising. This is why I feel the need to tell people to show love and care to the person they are rejecting.

 

There is no way to avoid hurting your wife but you can try to minimize the long term damage through consistent communication and love.

[InvisibleSquid]

7 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

It's tough because when she does not show outward signs of her pain you are content? Or it's tough when she does show outward signs of her pain and you then feel bad for her? Or for yourself? I am getting the impression that it is not only your wife who is in denial. Your wife is not "okay". You have lots of young children, right? So, amidst being told her husband no longer wants her she has to carry on nurturing all those other people in her life. Presumably life is still going on all around her; the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc All those mundane things that she can't just stop doing just because her emotions have been thrown into turmoil. You love your wife so it has to be also assumed she is kind and a good mother. You haven't mentioned anything to suggest she is in fact a cruel person who has turned you off sex through her unkind treatment of you, which would be  understandable. So, your wife is processing what you have told her while continuing to nurture an entire family. Who is nurturing her? 

 

It's tough because if she doesn't show outward signs, I don't know that she's hiding anything. I'm autistic, so I do not read people well. If someone doesn't show or say that something is wrong, I take it at face value and assume that nothing is wrong. I have problems analyzing emotions, even my own sometimes. My own personal flaw, I know, but I can't help that. So it's tough because she'll act one way and feel another. Or say one thing, while hiding what she's truly thinking. Or just saying something impulsively, which I'll then take seriously. It's tough because I do everything I can for my wife and family, and it never feels like it's enough.

 

My wife doesn't do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. We split those duties. I do the majority of the laundry (although the kids have finally started doing their own), take care of the trash/recycling, fix whatever needs fixing for the kids or house, etc., handle most of the pet duties and such, so that she doesn't need to worry about it. That's on top of working full time. My wife is on disability and can't work full time, so we're technically working off of one income. Our kids' ages range from 17 to 11, so there's all of their needs as well. I am, however, useless in the kitchen. Luckily, my wife is an amazing cook. She's magic in the kitchen. I try my hardest to keep as much off her shoulders as possible, so she can manage life with the disabilities she has. So I guess I'm nurturing her. To the best of my ability. At the end of the day, once I've been able to decompress (and the kids stop needing things), I give her my time before I need to sleep and start over. And I enjoy my time with her. Now, I'm not complaining about what I do. I'm not one of those guys who bitches and moans about how much he does, "and what thanks do I get?" I adore my family, and I want to do as much for them as I can. It's tiring. But yes, I love my wife very much. She's a good mother, although she doesn't believe she is. I think every parent doubts themselves. She does her best, and her heart's always in the right place.

 

In a sense, I do regret saying anything to her. But you're right, I prefer honesty. We've always been honest with each other. We've gone through some very tough times together because of it, but always made it through. I've always thought of us as a strong couple. We both have our vices and issues, but we've always worked through it. This feels different because it's like you say: 

6 hours ago, TimeDelay said:

The very fact that she believed you were something you were not, for years, is enough to undermine her trust in what you say from now on.

And it's not even like I was trying to fool her or anything, either. Hell, I was fooling myself! I hate the feeling that I get when we get into bed together some nights, after being out drinking, and I think "I hope she doesn't want sex tonight." It makes me feel awful and broken. Guilty. I really hope we can get past all this. I wouldn't want to lose her because of something like this.

 

I'm glad I have this forum to get all these thoughts out; I'd hate to have all this running through my head with no outlet. So I truly thank you for your input and conversation.

[FindingOutWhoIam]

On ‎7‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 7:30 AM, TimeDelay said:

It's tricky to comment here without coming across as if I am attacking you personally. I truly don't want to do that but it seems to me from reading your posts and other married men's that there is not only a sexual disconnect at play but an emotional disconnect and a psychological disconnect also. You genuinely seem incapable of understanding how your wife is feeling and thinking. This is helping me understand why my own husband finds it so difficult to talk about who he really is or what he really wants (and does not want) from our relationship.

 

You might be regretting speaking up but no matter how hard this has made things right now (and likely will continue to be for some time) it is always better to be honest with your wife. Always. My husband did not tell me what was going on for him. He just kept "thinking things might change/get better". For nearly thirty years. That's a lot of rejection for a wife to deal with. So, you are doing the right thing bringing it out into the open because somewhere down the road you would run out of energy to fake sexual interest.

 

You can't rush your wife along however, to catch up to where you have already arrived at. I doubt she ever will get there. Not completely. There is no comfort in being told that a husband will not turn to someone else. You do understand that by shaking the foundations of her belief in you that she is now questioning everything she ever believed to be true? She will be looking back on your interactions together and questioning how much you were pretending, how much you faked pleasure, how much you just tolerated and most disturbing of all, how much you possibly found repugnant.

 

She might also be feeling like she was somehow very stupid to have missed clues over the years. If you did enjoy sex as much as you say then it's no wonder your wife is confused and doesn't believe you could be asexual. It has nothing to do with "societal norms", believe me. That is a load of rubbish.  The very fact that she believed you were something you were not, for years, is enough to undermine her trust in what you say from now on. So, even if you were to tell her you won't go off with someone else, can you reasonably expect her to believe that for the rest of her life?

 

Your wife will spend a lot of energy trying to understand 'why' you 'changed'. It is ultimately not going to help imo but it's something she also needs to do. It's all part of her trying to find solutions and help your marriage get back on track, so long as she has hope that's possible. You have to keep reminding her you love her and want her to be happy but you can't desire sex with her. Eventually it will sink in fully. Only then will she be able to consider the next step.

 

I have seen people on these forums say that their asexual partner will have sex as a compromise. When I fully understood my husband does not want even the smallest amount of intimacy it was all I could do not to throw up. How many times did he feel pressured to do something he didn't want, I don't know but it makes me feel sick to think about. So no, not all women can enjoy physical intimacy with a man who does not want it. 

 

All you can hope for is that she comes to terms with this somehow, in her own way. There is no predicting how long it will take. There is no predicting the potential impact on her mental health and self esteem either. These are all established facts, not idle surmising. This is why I feel the need to tell people to show love and care to the person they are rejecting.

 

There is no way to avoid hurting your wife but you can try to minimize the long term damage through consistent communication and love.

Nice to come across a female perspective. I'm kind of finding out things for myself and the more I'm here the more comfortable I feel and relate. So why could I not be Asexual? You know. My concern is my wife and family. It sucks that I have to find out like this now and didn't know before. Its equally hard on both sides and I do feel for her. Good thing is she says shes ok with no sex and may seek a female here n there. My concern is not even showing love. I barley want to be intimate (what seems to me to be) like kissing, I like touching cuz to me its joking around like if I grab her butt n stuff. Flip side I can se how it would appear I still desire sex but I really don't. Guess I try to hide the true feelings for not wanting to hurt her and in the end its going to hurt- just what solution we can find to hopefully keep going. I feel like I've used humor as somewhat of a coping method and shelter to hide what has really been going on inside me. Kind of to show yes I'm still sexual when I'm not. I used to really look a erotica a lot and recently over the past few days I have stopped or limited it. It was more habit based but I don't feel the need to do it now. I did it hoping to regain a desire I doubt I will ever have unless I'm single again- but even then I would cross this path of loss of desire and attraction so to speak.

I would love to hear about more of your story @TimeDelay

[InvisibleSquid]

I enjoy being intimate with my wife. I like cuddling, touching, etc. don’t really like “making out” but I’ll kiss my wife hello/goodbye or just as an “I love you.” I hope she’s becoming more comfortable with me, but I never really know. Last night we were snuggling in bed, watching TV, and it was great. I still don’t know how things are going to progress (or regress) from here, but I’m trying to think positive and keep trying to give her the attention she needs. 

[will123]

On 7/10/2019 at 10:14 AM, Chihiro said:

Asexuals will never desire sex. They may do it to please their partner but at no point in their life they will crave it or just want it. Your wife might be right. There are people for whom sexuality isn't constant. They experience it in phases. A lot of women feel this way, many no longer feel the need for sex after childbirth or menopause etc. Men too experience change in their sexual needs. Society may have us believe that all people are sexual and need sex all the time otherwise something is wrong and needs fixing. But society is wrong. I hope you can make your wife understand this, and hopefully the two of you can work out a solution.

Isn't that the truth!