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Calendulala

Seeing "hot" people when you are aspec

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, CustardCream said:

You are not alone. I have limited interest in looks, and far more interest in personality.

 

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're drawn towards them. Literally. Same kind of thing as having the visceral urge to pick up a kitten.

 

For me, it's not so much that looks attract me that much, in themselves. A bit, but it's only one factor amongst many, and more that below a certain threshold, which is pretty much 'too repellent to look at', they're a deal breaker, rather than being a tick list of attributes or cultural norms. In positive terms, they could indicate a sense of personal style I'd be attracted to, or more transiently, a registering of for instance 'nice arse' which is definitely more than aesthetic.

I mean I am very much interested in looks, I understand attraction, I just can't see why appearance would lead to any thoughts of sex, or how they're linked. I understand from an evolutionary POV (though not with my own orientation of course), but not personally. It's like the link between romance and sex, it just makes absolutely no sense to me.

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MichaelTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is arousal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lady Mary Cake,

vrm3pqk4jvl0rysiwfgs.jpg

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UnderworldFan1988

Whenever I see someone that most people think is "Hot" like a perfect 10 (and god I hate that system lol) I don't have an attraction towards people like that for some strange reason, but I have always been into tomboys my entire life so yeah I guess that's why. I find an androgynous person to be my perfect type but again that is looks and I hate the 1-10 scale because it just hurts people self-esteem and causes people to get depressed even when someone says they're a 9 so I am against that. 

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CBC
1 hour ago, UnderworldFan1988 said:

causes people to get depressed even when someone says they're a 9 

Does it? I think the rating system is BS too, but jeez... I'd consider a five fine, never mind a nine.

 

But yeah, I do hate the rating shit. So much. Not because I think there's anything wrong with admiring someone's appearance, but because I've been told several times that I'm out of someone else's league. What, my hair is a prettier colour? I'm a more socially acceptable weight? My face is proportioned in a somehow more appealing way? What, exactly...? Also it's reducing me to what you see in a shoulders-up selfie online, or my body covered in clothing when you see me in person. It's ignoring that I have scars and dry skin and bitten, ugly, ragged fingernails, that every part of my body isn't perfectly proportioned, that I live with chronic health problems, that I'm in pain and discomfort a lot, that most of the time I despise my body. I don't want to be told I'm an 8 or a 9 or a 10 because you saw me at a good angle on a good day and thus decided I was somehow, bizarrely, out of someone else's league. Don't reduce me or anyone I love to ratings and leagues. It doesn't make me feel good; all it makes me feel is personally embarrassed and deeply hurt on behalf of whoever I'm with. If you have that thought, keep it to yourself.

 

/rant over 

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Chihiro
On 7/12/2019 at 1:58 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Me too, with a lot of people. But some I definitely would like to have sex with, assuming they also turned out to be funny, single, and interested in me too.

You are the first male I have come across who has listed "funny" as a desirable characteristic in your female partner. Usually its the other way round from what I have seen and I often wondered if hetero-males ever cared if their partners are funny (and I got the impression males cared about prettiness the most).

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Fluffy Femme Guy
11 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

You are the first male I have come across who has listed "funny" as a desirable characteristic in your female partner. Usually its the other way round from what I have seen and I often wondered if hetero-males ever cared if their partners are funny (and I got the impression males cared about prettiness the most). 

Funny girls are the best!

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Chihiro
14 minutes ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

Funny girls are the best!

Glad you think that. I hate getting complimented for my looks and I feel so hollow and empty when guys do that. Occasionally they have told me that I am funny, wish they would go :wub: over that instead of my looks. But thats almost never on top 3 characteristics they care about <_<

I wish I could meet single funny women, I can see myself falling for them. But have rarely come across them (surprising or I must be unlucky).

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Kimmie.

I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

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Chihiro
8 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

Thats not good either. I prefer people to genuinely appreciate humor. I googled about it few months ago and someone went through dating (hetero) profiles and apparently women expect men to make them laugh and men expect women to laugh at their jokes. I know men appreciate humor, but I never felt like thats one of the top few qualities they are looking for in a partner.

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Telecaster68

I guess I'm just odd then... 😀

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Homer van Simpsegem
On 7/11/2019 at 5:15 PM, Iam9man said:

Conversely, you can get aroused by a person without experiencing sexual attraction towards that person. Other forms of attraction can lead to arousal without any innate desire to have sex.

To be aroused by a person is your body literally telling you that it is sexually attracted to that person. Now what you do with this is something different - sexual folks don't just jump at people they're attracted to either, but that doesn't mean that it's not sexual in nature.

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Iam9man 🐧
Just now, Homer said:

To be aroused by a person is your body literally telling you that it is sexually attracted to that person. Now what you do with this is something different - sexual folks don't just jump at people they're attracted to either, but that doesn't mean that it's not sexual in nature.

It’s an interesting area for introspection. It certainly shows a mind/body disconnect.

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Homer van Simpsegem
10 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

It’s an interesting area for introspection. It certainly shows a mind/body disconnect.

Does it? 

 

Scenario:

 

This looks like a delicious pizza, but...

...I'm not hungry right now.

...I'm on my way to work and don't have time to stop and get one right now

...I have food at home I'd like to eat later

...I already had lunch

...I prefer other kinds of pizza

...it's not the kind of food I want right now

 

etc.. Umpteen good reasons not to act on an urge without anything being disconnected.

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Calendulala
On 7/13/2019 at 1:54 AM, MichaelTannock said:

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is arousal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lady Mary Cake,

vrm3pqk4jvl0rysiwfgs.jpg

Thank you for the warm and delicious welcome! 😄

 

the way you explain sexual attraction and arousal makes it so much easier to understand.

 

Though what could be an example of feeling arousal towards a person without it leading to a desire to have sex with the person? 

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MichaelTannock
3 minutes ago, Calendulala said:

Thank you for the warm and delicious welcome! 😄

 

the way you explain sexual attraction and arousal makes it so much easier to understand.

 

Though what could be an example of feeling arousal towards a person without it leading to a desire to have sex with the person? 

You're welcome.

 

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
Some Asexuals in relationships have become aroused doing Sensual acts, and haven't wanted them to progress to anything Sexual.

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Iam9man 🐧
14 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
Some Asexuals in relationships have become aroused doing Sensual acts, and haven't wanted them to progress to anything Sexual.

Very well explained 😊

 

I sometimes experience this.

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kiaroskuro

This is quite an interesting thread, but truth be told, the more comments I read, the more confused I get. Especially because I used to think that my personal definition of asexuality was set in stone. Now I'm questioning everything, yet again.

 

1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.

That kind of makes sense, but imho the way you word it points to the fact that there is some weird disconnect between sensual and sexual desires.

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CBC
On 7/15/2019 at 4:19 PM, kiaroskuro said:

Now I'm questioning everything, yet again.

AVEN frequently has that effect...

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Telecaster68
On 7/15/2019 at 9:19 PM, kiaroskuro said:

there is some weird disconnect between sensual and sexual desires.

It depends on context. I could sink my teeth into a watermelon forever without wanting to have sex with it, but one converts to the other pretty quickly if it's my lover's neck.

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CBC
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I could sink my teeth into a watermelon forever without wanting to have sex with it

If that ever changes though, a watermelon is a decent choice... better than, say, an apple or a punnet of strawberries.

 

(I'm sorry, I had to go there.)

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Telecaster68

Two slices of lightly microwaved liver works best.

 

Apparently.

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CBC
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Two slices of lightly microwaved liver works best.

 

Apparently.

"Apparently."

 

I believe that's known as hepatosexuality...

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Telecaster68

But I've never looked in a butcher's window and got a hard on, so I'm still asexual right?

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CBC
22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But I've never looked in a butcher's window and got a hard on, so I'm still asexual right?

You're one of the most asexual people on this site, Tele.

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kiaroskuro
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Two slices of lightly microwaved liver works best.

 

Apparently.

Ok, I'm just going to leave this here: https://www.chaiandconversation.com/2014/11-persian-sayings-make-no-sense-english

(No. 3 and 5) 😄

 

PS: Having said this, food analogies are my pet peeve. No offence!

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Telecaster68

It wasn't really an analogy.

 

No. 3 is your basic Hannibal Lecter though. Does it mention fava beans and a nice chianti?

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Philip027

I don't recognize what "hot" is, so can't relate.

 

Quote

I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

Unfortunately, it's this exact sort of attitude that pigeon-holes males into being unavoidably shallow creatures that can't appreciate the opposite sex for any reasons other than their looks.  It wouldn't surprise me if it was another male saying this, thereby making a stereotype out of themself.

 

For me at least, having a partner that can make me laugh (and that I can make laugh) is a huge aspect of developing comfort with one another.

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Moony085
On 7/10/2019 at 9:07 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Yep. Your autonomic system is kicking in. On the other hand, if they jumped on you naked and you'd still prefer cake,  you're pretty much asexual regardless.

I love this answer so much. Well said!

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Calendulala
23 hours ago, Moony085 said:
On 7/10/2019 at 3:07 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Yep. Your autonomic system is kicking in. On the other hand, if they jumped on you naked and you'd still prefer cake,  you're pretty much asexual regardless.

I love this answer so much. Well said!

Yes! I have been thinking about this answer, and my reaction would probably be (other than being embarrassed of the persons nudity) to whanting to continue looking at their beautiful body. Though that might just be aesthetic attraction, if my only desire or first thought is to admire their looks, and I guess this is what I confuse with sexual attraction since people tease you if you just look at a person of the opposite sex for too long. 

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Flying Cat

My taste in people is slightly different than usual. For example, I don't like very muscular guys, you know, those fit freaks, but a lot of people describes them as 'hot'. So, I can't rate people's bodies in hot/sexual scale, but I can rate their appearance in general and I really like (in aesthetical way) people who have their own style and wear nice clothes, have a pretty face, haircut etc.

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