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Seeing "hot" people when you are aspec


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On 7/13/2019 at 1:54 AM, MichaelTannock said:

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is arousal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lady Mary Cake,

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Thank you for the warm and delicious welcome! 😄

 

the way you explain sexual attraction and arousal makes it so much easier to understand.

 

Though what could be an example of feeling arousal towards a person without it leading to a desire to have sex with the person? 

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NickyTannock
3 minutes ago, Calendulala said:

Thank you for the warm and delicious welcome! 😄

 

the way you explain sexual attraction and arousal makes it so much easier to understand.

 

Though what could be an example of feeling arousal towards a person without it leading to a desire to have sex with the person? 

You're welcome.

 

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
Some Asexuals in relationships have become aroused doing Sensual acts, and haven't wanted them to progress to anything Sexual.

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14 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
Some Asexuals in relationships have become aroused doing Sensual acts, and haven't wanted them to progress to anything Sexual.

Very well explained 😊

 

I sometimes experience this.

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This is quite an interesting thread, but truth be told, the more comments I read, the more confused I get. Especially because I used to think that my personal definition of asexuality was set in stone. Now I'm questioning everything, yet again.

 

1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

And arousal can be triggered by other forms of attraction, for instance, Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.

That kind of makes sense, but imho the way you word it points to the fact that there is some weird disconnect between sensual and sexual desires.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Two slices of lightly microwaved liver works best.

 

Apparently.

Ok, I'm just going to leave this here: https://www.chaiandconversation.com/2014/11-persian-sayings-make-no-sense-english

(No. 3 and 5) 😄

 

PS: Having said this, food analogies are my pet peeve. No offence!

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I don't recognize what "hot" is, so can't relate.

 

Quote

I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

Unfortunately, it's this exact sort of attitude that pigeon-holes males into being unavoidably shallow creatures that can't appreciate the opposite sex for any reasons other than their looks.  It wouldn't surprise me if it was another male saying this, thereby making a stereotype out of themself.

 

For me at least, having a partner that can make me laugh (and that I can make laugh) is a huge aspect of developing comfort with one another.

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On 7/10/2019 at 9:07 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Yep. Your autonomic system is kicking in. On the other hand, if they jumped on you naked and you'd still prefer cake,  you're pretty much asexual regardless.

I love this answer so much. Well said!

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23 hours ago, Moony085 said:
On 7/10/2019 at 3:07 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Yep. Your autonomic system is kicking in. On the other hand, if they jumped on you naked and you'd still prefer cake,  you're pretty much asexual regardless.

I love this answer so much. Well said!

Yes! I have been thinking about this answer, and my reaction would probably be (other than being embarrassed of the persons nudity) to whanting to continue looking at their beautiful body. Though that might just be aesthetic attraction, if my only desire or first thought is to admire their looks, and I guess this is what I confuse with sexual attraction since people tease you if you just look at a person of the opposite sex for too long. 

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My taste in people is slightly different than usual. For example, I don't like very muscular guys, you know, those fit freaks, but a lot of people describes them as 'hot'. So, I can't rate people's bodies in hot/sexual scale, but I can rate their appearance in general and I really like (in aesthetical way) people who have their own style and wear nice clothes, have a pretty face, haircut etc.

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This may be a bit random, but I always found that scene in Fight Club where they mock the underwear models on the bus, and the literal next scene is topless Brad Pitt all muscular and gleaming hilarious. I don't know if that was intentional or not. If it wasn't, damn that is tone deaf and anytime someone mentions muscular sexuality I think of that.

 

I guess I can recognize "hot"... everyone has their own scale, of course. I definitely have aesthetic attraction to an extent.

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On 7/11/2019 at 12:03 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

 

 

A funny thing that happened recently though is that it was brought to my attention that many people in Star Wars are good looking. I realized this because I love the film Rogue One and someone on Twitter had been raving about this Rogue One fan fic they had just read. Out of curiosity I checked it out. The way they described the appearance of each character made me notice things I hadn't before then I realized "wow, what a beautiful group of rebels going on a suicide mission." Then a few months ago I was watching some videos that were like... "person watches Star Wars for the first time" and she was floored by how hot Han Solo was. Of course I knew he wasn't ugly, I guess just because it's Star Wars, a series of stories I've loved basically my entire life, my mind never went there. It was always about the story and these characters in it and the lore and the adventure. So I actually Googled the people in Star Wars and yes, once you removed all the grime and the tattered clothes and the entire atmosphere that is Star Wars they are quite beautiful! Whaddaya know? Still when I watch the films or read the books it's just not something that's on my mind.

What?! People are watching Star Wars because the characters are good looking? I knew that people thought Harrison Ford was attractive, but I never saw this. Daisy Ridley is adorable, but not hot, just adorable. Young Mark Hamill was adorable. I just looked up some people. I could see where people think that I guess, but whoa. 

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I could see Leia being hot, but only in ANH, not in RoTJ. I never got the whole metal bikini thing. That just looks hella uncomfortable and I feel sorry for her. One of the reasons i love Rey is that she is so... just normal. She's just Rey. People are obsessed with her being a woman, but like Luke, she's just... the character. Why does it even matter? That's the point!

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Galactic Turtle
58 minutes ago, griffinej5 said:

What?! People are watching Star Wars because the characters are good looking? I knew that people thought Harrison Ford was attractive, but I never saw this. Daisy Ridley is adorable, but not hot, just adorable. Young Mark Hamill was adorable. I just looked up some people. I could see where people think that I guess, but whoa. 

Ikr they're all pretty adorable? Though now I know that people are very thirsty over Anakin, Krennic.... even Thrawn and Kallus from Rebels? It's a whole thing.

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InvisibleSquid

Yeah, I was recently picking this apart for myself as well. I definitely feel aesthetic attraction, but I never see someone I find attractive and think sexual thoughts about them. Like, there are people I could find extremely attractive, but still would never want to jump in bed with that person. It’s enough just to look at them and appreciate. My mind goes as far as “wow, gorgeous” and leaves it at that. 

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To be absolutely fair, I think that most "normal" sexual peeps wouldn't want to just hop in bed with most "hot" people. At least have dinner first. The difference can be touchy, which is why so many people are confused.

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1 hour ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Ikr they're all pretty adorable? Though now I know that people are very thirsty over Anakin, Krennic.... even Thrawn and Kallus from Rebels? It's a whole thing.

Krennic? Really? I looked up the actor, and I’m not seeing it. Hayden Christensen looks like a creeper. I’m not big into the cartoons. I could maybe get behind the Thrawn thing, but Kallus? He looks ridiculous and I’m cracking up. I googled some other people. Felicity Jones- no. Natalie Portman, nope. Carrie Fisher sort of falls into the adorable category for me. 

 

25 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

To be absolutely fair, I think that most "normal" sexual peeps wouldn't want to just hop in bed with most "hot" people. At least have dinner first. The difference can be touchy, which is why so many people are confused.

I’m not sure though. I’m pretty sure I’ve had friends say they’d screw some celebrity if the chance ever came, however, it’s said with the understanding that it is an absolutely fantasy and won’t occur. 

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InvisibleSquid
14 minutes ago, griffinej5 said:

I’m not sure though. I’m pretty sure I’ve had friends say they’d screw some celebrity if the chance ever came, however, it’s said with the understanding that it is an absolutely fantasy and won’t occur. 

And that seems to be the difference between such friends and myself. Even the fantasy of having sex with a celebrity crush never occurs to me. I’d rather just hug or cuddle with them, if given the chance. Sex would be furthest from my mind. I’ve even attempted having such fantasies in the past, and it just doesn’t feel right. Sensual stuff, sure. Sexual stuff, no. 

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2 hours ago, Ace of J said:

Yeah, I was recently picking this apart for myself as well. I definitely feel aesthetic attraction, but I never see someone I find attractive and think sexual thoughts about them. Like, there are people I could find extremely attractive, but still would never want to jump in bed with that person. It’s enough just to look at them and appreciate. My mind goes as far as “wow, gorgeous” and leaves it at that. 

So this!

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1 hour ago, Ace of J said:

And that seems to be the difference between such friends and myself. Even the fantasy of having sex with a celebrity crush never occurs to me. I’d rather just hug or cuddle with them, if given the chance. Sex would be furthest from my mind. I’ve even attempted having such fantasies in the past, and it just doesn’t feel right. Sensual stuff, sure. Sexual stuff, no. 

And this! 👍

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5 hours ago, griffinej5 said:

Natalie Portman

Sorry but she is beautiful....

 

When I see gorgeous people I definitely acknowledge their beauty aesthetically but that’s where it ends. There isn’t a desire to do anything sexual with them. I realize that they are people just like me. They have their own issues, etc. 

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I didn’t mean to imply that sex would mean objectifying them. And quite frankly I don’t think I need to sex someone to have what you described. And in my experience, people don’t undergo sex that way, there is a change that over comes them and it’s like they sort of leave mentally/spiritually, leaving you with a body that wants and needs you, a body with a sense of urgent desire to get somewhere but nowhere at the same time.

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On 7/10/2019 at 6:58 AM, Calendulala said:

Hi :) 

For about a year have I questioned if I might be asexual/demisexual. But one thing that always makes me question myself, is when I see someone or a photo of someone that is clearly meant to be sexual and looking seductive. And usually I can see that it's meant to be "hot" and "sexy" and that it's a really beautiful person, sometimes I might even feel a romantic attraction. But the thing that really throws me off, is when I get all flustered or tingly from looking at the person. Most if its a real person i'm standing in front of and not a photo. (When this happens, I don't really think anything sexual about the person, usually I just admire them or fantasise about them holding me or making a romantic gesture).

I can't figure out if Its because I actually get sexually attracted to the person, or If its because I recognise that they are "hot" and because I'm used to people teasing if you stare at a good looking person too long and I don't want people to make it into a sexual thing. 

Am I the only one who feels this way? 

 

You can become aroused and still be Ace, like many things asexuality is a spectrum, I experience similar things when I see attractive people but its, low most of the time but never once have I felt the desire to have sex with someone I am sex repulsed. Your not alone and it changes nothing about you being Ace, we are your community and are here to help if you need it.

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andreas1033

I am totally dead to all people, thankfully.

 

This is why i believe asexual is a spectrum, on its own, and some people are very extremely asexual, and some people would be borderline.

 

Thankfully i am dead to all people.

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4 hours ago, 3Xi3X said:

Sorry but she is beautiful....

 

When I see gorgeous people I definitely acknowledge their beauty aesthetically but that’s where it ends. There isn’t a desire to do anything sexual with them. I realize that they are people just like me. They have their own issues, etc. 

I mean, I can see where people would think Natalie Portman is good looking, just not for me. 

Id pretty much just like to stare at the celebrities for a long time. I don’t want to do anything else. 

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3 minutes ago, griffinej5 said:

I mean, I can see where people would think Natalie Portman is good looking, just not for me. 

Id pretty much just like to stare at the celebrities for a long time. I don’t want to do anything else. 

Natalie Portman walks past.

 

My heterosexual male friends: "Wow, she's HOT! I'd have sex with her!*"

 

(*or ruder version thereof)

 

Me: "Wow, she's HOT! I'd... I'd..." [nothing]

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Winged Whisperer

I guess there's a bunch of us here who feel a sort of "abstract" or "subconscious" sexual attraction if I'm to put it into words that nonetheless "doesn't count" (in Ficto's words) because it doesn't lead us to wanting sex/connect sexually with them. I used to differentiate it as physical attraction as opposed to sexual attraction, but I haven't seen it used much at all here on AVEN (ironically I've seen that distinction a bit more outside IRL and other online places).

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33 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

...there's an English actress called Juliet Stevenson...

 

I'm very unconvinced that recognising someone is aesthetically beautiful is actual attraction. It feels nothing like the draw I feel towards, say, Juliet Stevenson, or even, on a platonic level, any of my friends. 

Good actress.

 

I can understand this, although, I think, perhaps, for some people, it's difficult to figure out whether their attraction is platonic or romantic, especially if they don't have any friends, nor experience aesthetic attraction, often, toward others. So, for example, suddenly looking at a smiling person and thinking to oneself, "Wow! They look nice/pretty!" can feel confusing as to whether it might be a secret, romantic attraction, since seeing that smiling person might've caused the other person to, inwardly, blush; feel happy, etc. (Whereas, for example, for that person, seeing most people doesn't bring forth those thoughts or feelings at all; so, suddenly, thinking that someone looks nice/pretty can, perhaps, feel to some as though some type of attraction just occurred, if it's not normally felt when looking at other people).

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I don't usually see people as 'hot' or 'sexy'. It's more typical to think of someone as being beautiful, cute, pretty, handsome, etc.

Or even just 'they look nice'.

 

I am totally capable of seeing someone as 'attractive' in a sexual manner, but I don't have any physical reaction(s), and it doesn't lead to any kind of neeed/want/desire.

it's entirely a 'mental' situation, and doesn't (usually) involve spontaneous sexual fantasy. Maybe some sensual/romantic stuff and even that's uncommon.


My mind pretty much does a George Takei 'oh my' and then just moves on like nothing happened.

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13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

...It's just semantics in a way, but this whole attraction business seems to confuse so many people it's worth challenging.

Yeah. No problem.

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4 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Natalie Portman walks past.

 

My heterosexual male friends: "Wow, she's HOT! I'd have sex with her!*"

 

(*or ruder version thereof)

 

Me: "Wow, she's HOT! I'd... I'd..." [nothing]

Thats what I do with my friends "wow! Shes a smokeshow i'd *insert lude comment here* to her.

 

*me* "yup. She has a very pretty dress" 

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