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Seeing "hot" people when you are aspec


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Hi :) 

For about a year have I questioned if I might be asexual/demisexual. But one thing that always makes me question myself, is when I see someone or a photo of someone that is clearly meant to be sexual and looking seductive. And usually I can see that it's meant to be "hot" and "sexy" and that it's a really beautiful person, sometimes I might even feel a romantic attraction. But the thing that really throws me off, is when I get all flustered or tingly from looking at the person. Most if its a real person i'm standing in front of and not a photo. (When this happens, I don't really think anything sexual about the person, usually I just admire them or fantasise about them holding me or making a romantic gesture).

I can't figure out if Its because I actually get sexually attracted to the person, or If its because I recognise that they are "hot" and because I'm used to people teasing if you stare at a good looking person too long and I don't want people to make it into a sexual thing. 

Am I the only one who feels this way? 

 

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I definitely recognize that someone is hot but not beyond that, however, I don’t experience romantic attraction, so maybe that’s the difference there. 

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everywhere and nowhere

I can find someone "hot" and consider it more than esthetic attraction if it makes me aroused. However, it still doesn't make me desire sex. I don't want to have sex with anyone, I find this idea actively distressing and frightening.

But then, I'm probably not a born-this-way asexual, rather effectively asexual due to non-traumatic sex aversion. Under this interpretation it could be absolutely genuine sexual attraction, not some form of esthetic attraction, and lack of sexual desire would just indicate that my sex aversion is stronger and any potential desire can't overcome this barrier.

Fortunately. I wouldn't want to want sex and wouldn't want to feel comfortable with the idea of having sex.

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8 hours ago, Calendulala said:

Hi :) 

For about a year have I questioned if I might be asexual/demisexual. But one thing that always makes me question myself, is when I see someone or a photo of someone that is clearly meant to be sexual and looking seductive. And usually I can see that it's meant to be "hot" and "sexy" and that it's a really beautiful person, sometimes I might even feel a romantic attraction. But the thing that really throws me off, is when I get all flustered or tingly from looking at the person. Most if its a real person i'm standing in front of and not a photo. (When this happens, I don't really think anything sexual about the person, usually I just admire them or fantasise about them holding me or making a romantic gesture).

I can't figure out if Its because I actually get sexually attracted to the person, or If its because I recognise that they are "hot" and because I'm used to people teasing if you stare at a good looking person too long and I don't want people to make it into a sexual thing. 

Am I the only one who feels this way? 

 

I feel the same way. Took me a long long time to figure out I’m asexual because of this. I’ve since worked out it’s because I experience aesthetic attraction very intensely.

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22 hours ago, CBC said:

Honestly that sounds like some type of sexual attraction to me if you're getting flustered and tingly.

I'm a bit surprised that quite a few people here on AVEN don't really differentiate between sexual arousal, sensual attraction and sexual attraction. For me at least those are very different things.

 

21 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I can find someone "hot" and consider it more than esthetic attraction if it makes me aroused. However, it still doesn't make me desire sex. 

^ and that's the reason why I think this way. Same here

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

All of these things are very closely tied in for sexual people. Which is 99% of the population. 

I know, I know. Or I can imagine it, at least. Even after all those years on AVEN I still have a hard time figuring out the different types of attraction I (don't) experience. And maybe I'm trying to separate neatly what can't really be separated...

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Thank you for all the replies! 

Maybe I just experience a combo of romantic, aesthetic and sensual attraction...  since all I usually want to do with the person is for them to hold me. 

Though I feel really confused with my feelings, because I have been raised to put them all in the same category meaning sexual attraction. And because I'm not comfortable with being sexual and teased for it, it makes me overwhelmed and embarrassed for even just looking at someone I think is beautiful. 

 

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I'm a bit surprised that quite a few people here on AVEN don't really differentiate between sexual arousal, sensual attraction and sexual attraction. For me at least those are very different things.

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I can find someone "hot" and consider it more than esthetic attraction if it makes me aroused. However, it still doesn't make me desire sex. 

^ and that's the reason why I think this way. Same here

I can see how sensual attraction is its own type of attraction, but I must admit I find it hard to differentiate between sexual arousal and sexual attraction. You can be asexual if you experience sexual arousal towards someone but not sexual attraction, is it something about libido?

 

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10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You can be sexually attracted to someone in a general way - for instance a spouse - without feeling aroused, either physically or mentally. Otherwise some husbands would have a hard on for fifty years... 

Conversely, you can get aroused by a person without experiencing sexual attraction towards that person. Other forms of attraction can lead to arousal without any innate desire to have sex.

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What would be an example of that happening? 

Getting aroused from sensual contact would be one example. I’ve also read several accounts where people looked at someone and felt betrayed by their body as their body started getting aroused whilst their mind had zero interest.

 

I can personally get aroused from romantic, aesthetic or sensual attraction but I do not experience any form of attraction which actually leads to the desire to have sex.

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21 minutes ago, CBC said:

So, honestly, in my books that's still a form of sexual attraction. And yes I know I'm one of the people here who defines sexual attraction (for AVEN purposes) as the desire to have sex with someone, but... in some area of the brain, it's still a form of sexual attraction. It just doesn't translate to wanting sex for asexuals. And I'm pretty sure that's how the vast majority of the world understands it as well.

Fair enough, we’re entitled to politely disagree.

 

After much soul searching in my case I’ve determined that these are other forms of attraction, which I happen to experience quite intensely.

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Galactic Turtle

I can easily tell when someone is above average in the looks department. I can also easily tell when someone is below average in the looks department. It all happens the same way I can point out ugly shirts at the store and pretty shirts at the store. It's all just an observation as one tends to do when they have eyes. Like with celebrities, for example, they're obviously put out in public looking their best. They're always meant to appear sparkly and expensive unlike the average person on the street so yes, I notice that many K-pop idols are good looking (while some just look like average people with a lot of makeup on). In high school I noticed some people were very beautiful as well. I liked in particular one way a girl rolled her socks. I tried it myself but it didn't look the same. Then one boy looked like he came straight out of a WWII movie. I guess it was the hair. 

 

A funny thing that happened recently though is that it was brought to my attention that many people in Star Wars are good looking. I realized this because I love the film Rogue One and someone on Twitter had been raving about this Rogue One fan fic they had just read. Out of curiosity I checked it out. The way they described the appearance of each character made me notice things I hadn't before then I realized "wow, what a beautiful group of rebels going on a suicide mission." Then a few months ago I was watching some videos that were like... "person watches Star Wars for the first time" and she was floored by how hot Han Solo was. Of course I knew he wasn't ugly, I guess just because it's Star Wars, a series of stories I've loved basically my entire life, my mind never went there. It was always about the story and these characters in it and the lore and the adventure. So I actually Googled the people in Star Wars and yes, once you removed all the grime and the tattered clothes and the entire atmosphere that is Star Wars they are quite beautiful! Whaddaya know? Still when I watch the films or read the books it's just not something that's on my mind.

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2 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Getting aroused from sensual contact would be one example. I’ve also read several accounts where people looked at someone and felt betrayed by their body as their body started getting aroused whilst their mind had zero interest.

 

I can personally get aroused from romantic, aesthetic or sensual attraction but I do not experience any form of attraction which actually leads to the desire to have sex.

So example, when I'm in a period where I experience a high libido (or I could also just say when I'm just plain horny) my body could get sexually aroused from an aesthetically attractive person, even though I have no Interest in having sex with them? 

Or I can feel aesthetically and/or sensually attraction towards a person and getting flustered from it. 

Both of which I confuse with sexual attraction? 

 

2 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I can easily tell when someone is above average in the looks department. I can also easily tell when someone is below average in the looks department. It all happens the same way I can point out ugly shirts at the store and pretty shirts at the store.

Would it then make sense if I said that I have a "type" regarding who I find aesthetically attractive, just like you can like certain style of shirts? Because that is also a ting I've been confused about when talking about if I experience sexual attraction. I know from just my aesthetic attraction to a person that if i had to choose who I should have sex with from a crowd, I would feel the least uncomfortable and disgusted with the person I'm aesthetically attracted to. 

This would then also be the person that would have the highest chance of getting a romantic relationship with me. 

What I'm trying to say is that I do get affected by how good looking people are, but just not in a sexual way. Though I may have a "type" by only judging by looks, they would be the person that could have a chance with me romantically. But this is never something that I act on and if I ever fantasize romantic stuff about this person, I have to know them better. Either in reality or I have to make a backstory of how we know each other and all the stuff we have been through together for us to have gotten close. I would never be able to just go straight to fantasies about someone I don't know, let alone act upon it. 

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35 minutes ago, Calendulala said:

So example, when I'm in a period where I experience a high libido (or I could also just say when I'm just plain horny) my body could get sexually aroused from an aesthetically attractive person, even though I have no Interest in having sex with them? 

Yes, I have chatted to female asexuals who reported exactly this.

 

35 minutes ago, Calendulala said:

Or I can feel aesthetically and/or sensually attraction towards a person and getting flustered from it. 

This one I can confirm I personally experience. And yes, I also confused this with sexual attraction for many years. Ultimately that “flusteredness” doesn’t lead to wanting to have sex, so I personally don’t see it as sexual attraction.

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I kind of get where you're coming from... I can tell whether I find someone "hot" or attractive or whatever and I can see why people would want to engage in sexual activities with that person, based on looks... but when it comes to myself, it's just *shrug*. If anything.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Am I the only one who just can't link appearance and sex? I don't see how looks leads to interest in sex at all, instinctively.

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not even if you think about how it might work with cars?

Definitely not, the thought is abhorrent to me. Good looks and sex just make no sense to me at all; I mean how are you supposed to admire if you're under them or whatever? 

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Custard Cream
44 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Am I the only one who just can't link appearance and sex? I don't see how looks leads to interest in sex at all, instinctively.

You are not alone. I have limited interest in looks, and far more interest in personality.

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everywhere and nowhere
7 hours ago, CBC said:

So, honestly, in my books that's still a form of sexual attraction. And yes I know I'm one of the people here who defines sexual attraction (for AVEN purposes) as the desire to have sex with someone, but... in some area of the brain, it's still a form of sexual attraction. It just doesn't translate to wanting sex for asexuals. And I'm pretty sure that's how the vast majority of the world understands it as well.

I too understand it as a form of sexual attraction and disagree with some forum members because in my opinion sexual attraction without desire for sex is possible. On the other hand, I prefer defining asexuality as "not desiring partnered sex with anyone".

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, CustardCream said:

You are not alone. I have limited interest in looks, and far more interest in personality.

 

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

You're drawn towards them. Literally. Same kind of thing as having the visceral urge to pick up a kitten.

 

For me, it's not so much that looks attract me that much, in themselves. A bit, but it's only one factor amongst many, and more that below a certain threshold, which is pretty much 'too repellent to look at', they're a deal breaker, rather than being a tick list of attributes or cultural norms. In positive terms, they could indicate a sense of personal style I'd be attracted to, or more transiently, a registering of for instance 'nice arse' which is definitely more than aesthetic.

I mean I am very much interested in looks, I understand attraction, I just can't see why appearance would lead to any thoughts of sex, or how they're linked. I understand from an evolutionary POV (though not with my own orientation of course), but not personally. It's like the link between romance and sex, it just makes absolutely no sense to me.

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is arousal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Lady Mary Cake,

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Whenever I see someone that most people think is "Hot" like a perfect 10 (and god I hate that system lol) I don't have an attraction towards people like that for some strange reason, but I have always been into tomboys my entire life so yeah I guess that's why. I find an androgynous person to be my perfect type but again that is looks and I hate the 1-10 scale because it just hurts people self-esteem and causes people to get depressed even when someone says they're a 9 so I am against that. 

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On 7/12/2019 at 1:58 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Me too, with a lot of people. But some I definitely would like to have sex with, assuming they also turned out to be funny, single, and interested in me too.

You are the first male I have come across who has listed "funny" as a desirable characteristic in your female partner. Usually its the other way round from what I have seen and I often wondered if hetero-males ever cared if their partners are funny (and I got the impression males cared about prettiness the most).

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Fluffy Femme Guy
11 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

You are the first male I have come across who has listed "funny" as a desirable characteristic in your female partner. Usually its the other way round from what I have seen and I often wondered if hetero-males ever cared if their partners are funny (and I got the impression males cared about prettiness the most). 

Funny girls are the best!

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14 minutes ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

Funny girls are the best!

Glad you think that. I hate getting complimented for my looks and I feel so hollow and empty when guys do that. Occasionally they have told me that I am funny, wish they would go :wub: over that instead of my looks. But thats almost never on top 3 characteristics they care about <_<

I wish I could meet single funny women, I can see myself falling for them. But have rarely come across them (surprising or I must be unlucky).

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I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

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8 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I sometimes hear that many guys just say that they like funny women because it makes them sound less shallow. That is atleast what i hear on a relationship radio show i listen to at work.

Thats not good either. I prefer people to genuinely appreciate humor. I googled about it few months ago and someone went through dating (hetero) profiles and apparently women expect men to make them laugh and men expect women to laugh at their jokes. I know men appreciate humor, but I never felt like thats one of the top few qualities they are looking for in a partner.

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On 7/11/2019 at 5:15 PM, Iam9man said:

Conversely, you can get aroused by a person without experiencing sexual attraction towards that person. Other forms of attraction can lead to arousal without any innate desire to have sex.

To be aroused by a person is your body literally telling you that it is sexually attracted to that person. Now what you do with this is something different - sexual folks don't just jump at people they're attracted to either, but that doesn't mean that it's not sexual in nature.

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Just now, Homer said:

To be aroused by a person is your body literally telling you that it is sexually attracted to that person. Now what you do with this is something different - sexual folks don't just jump at people they're attracted to either, but that doesn't mean that it's not sexual in nature.

It’s an interesting area for introspection. It certainly shows a mind/body disconnect.

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10 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

It’s an interesting area for introspection. It certainly shows a mind/body disconnect.

Does it? 

 

Scenario:

 

This looks like a delicious pizza, but...

...I'm not hungry right now.

...I'm on my way to work and don't have time to stop and get one right now

...I have food at home I'd like to eat later

...I already had lunch

...I prefer other kinds of pizza

...it's not the kind of food I want right now

 

etc.. Umpteen good reasons not to act on an urge without anything being disconnected.

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