I feel like people are uncomfortable with me being single

[katinthehat]

Despite telling people several times that I am not interested in dating, they will ask me questions like, "What's your type?" or say, "We need to find you a boy." It gets worse when my friends bring their SOs with them. In another instance, my sister in law asked me why I don't have a boyfriend and that I deserve to be happy just like she is with my brother. 🙄 I told her I wasn't interested. I visited my grandma in her memory care home (granted she's not in her right mind anymore), and when I introduced myself to her again, she asked me if I was married. I told her no, and that I am not seeing anyone either. My grandma responded that there was something wrong with me in not having a boyfriend/husband at my age. My parents have even gotten involved. 

 

In a very awkward conversation that still disturbs me when I think about it, my father asked me if I would like to meet with his coworker because his coworker asked him, "How do you talk to girls?" I flat out said no, and he looked at me in surprise and said, "Really? But he's an engineer!" Yeah, no thanks Dad. I'm not going to date someone just for his money, nor do I want to meet with someone who thinks he can't talk to me like a normal person.

 

I just want everyone to stop! Do they not have anything else to bring up in a conversation? It's frustrating, and I have a feeling that not only is this pestering not going to stop, it's just going to get worse as I get older. Because, "who will take care of you when something happens" and "your clock is ticking TICK TOCK."

 

[Cryowolf]

Sadly that's just how society has made things out to be. that persons life isnt complete if they dont have a partner or heck even a child. tons of movies and shows always depict people getting together and even if a character isnt interest if the person is in pursuit enough he or she gets the love! its all so terrible i mean look at music, books you name it its all about would they or wont they its never hey maybe this person doesnt want love and wants to be just themselves. maybe this person just wants friends who wont be like hey are you single? how about you and me mingle *wink* so its unfortunate that your family treats you that way but this is after all years of just being fed that people need to be together and its very disheartening to those who dont want that. i hope you can find people who will understand you much better and get why you dont want someone.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Tell them to fuck off and mind their own business, then ignore them any time they bring it up. Eventually they'll get bored.

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, katinthehat said:

I just want everyone to stop! Do they not have anything else to bring up in a conversation? It's frustrating, and I have a feeling that not only is this pestering not going to stop, it's just going to get worse as I get older. Because, "who will take care of you when something happens" and "your clock is ticking TICK TOCK."

From my experience, it gets better after some time - although it's a fairly long process. Well, I never experienced that much pressure. But I started declaring that I don't want to have children and don't wat to marry when I was five years old. Of course my declarations were at first never treated seriously, everyone was sure that I would change my mind. But now I'm 38 and it has never changed - I haven't felt a desire to have children even for a tiniest moment, reject the possibility of being in any relationship with a man, would prefer a queerplatonic relationship with a woman, have never been in a relationship and never had sex. And my family just doesn't care about it, they simply got used to me being "different".

Paradoxically, having some other problems help - for example, I'm chronically ill and this is more of a problem for my mom than just the fact that I will never date men and never be in a "traditional" relationship.

[Nylocke]

My nephew low key thinks I'm a lesbian probably because its been common talk in my family about how I'm never seen with anyone ... One of my in laws did ask about my boyfriend but she worded it in the context of just a "friend" so I tactfully diverted the conversation. Though to me, why would you want to see a picture of someone who is supposedly "just a friend"???

[œddy]

Its amazing how societal pressure can influence you to think your own happiness is invalid in some way. Took me a long time to accept that it was okay to be single and happy.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, CBC said:

I like you a lot.  

 

(Came here to say more or less the same thing, profanities and all.)

I like @Anthracite_Impreza too :3

[Anthracite_Impreza]

15 minutes ago, CBC said:

I like you a lot.  

 

(Came here to say more or less the same thing, profanities and all.)

 

6 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

I like @Anthracite_Impreza too :3

Thank you? 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 

Thank you? 

You're super cool and interesting!! I'm just a shitty excuse for a friend who is never able to take the step to properly get to know someone, I keep my distance and ignore emails etc as a way to protect myself. But I know in real life you'd be a super cool person to hang out with, you're so interesting and I almost always agree with your opinions and observations (and when we disagree, we can argue amiably!!)  So yeah, you're cool. I'll stop now before I sound too creepy though (maybe too late for that though, sorry if I weirded you out!!) 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) I don't think you're creepy, but I don't know how to respond to that other than thank you... again  I have to admit I did smile when I saw you logged in today.

[Homer]

On 7/10/2019 at 8:14 AM, katinthehat said:

Because, "who will take care of you when something happens"

That is a crappy base for a relationship anyway. Also, what do you mean who will take care? A nurse, because that's what they're paid to do.

 

On 7/10/2019 at 8:14 AM, katinthehat said:

"your clock is ticking TICK TOCK."

"Good."

 

I don't really get this kind of stuff anymore, mostly because I'm 36 now and I haven't really done anything besides football travels for 15 years. I do have a couple of go-to phrases I'll use if this subject pops up and other than that, I'll just switch into "wall mode". "Thank you for your opinion" works well, just like answering any comment or question with "okay".

 

If people are uncomfortable with your relationship status, that's their problem alone.

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

8 hours ago, œddy said:

Its amazing how societal pressure can influence you to think your own happiness is invalid in some way. Took me a long time to accept that it was okay to be single and happy.

This is extremely accurate. Having everyone act either appalled that you’re still single or doubtful that you’re happy being single starts to mess with your head. 

[Guest]

 

10 hours ago, Homer said:

If people are uncomfortable with your relationship status, that's their problem alone.

I concur!  

 

[Sally]

16 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 

Thank you? 

I like all of you.  

 

I've never tried this so I don't know if it would work:  when someone asks you/tells you something that frankly isn't any of their f*cking business, just ignore what they said and say something on an entirely different subject.  Just change the subject as though they didn't say what they said.  Maybe after several episodes of that, they'll stop.  

[Homer]

^ I know someone who does this. When someone says something blatantly stupid, he'd look that person directly in the eyes and maintain eye contact just long enough to make the other person uncomfortable, then say something like "Well, looks like summer is over already..."

 

[Forest Spirit]

16 hours ago, Homer said:

That is a crappy base for a relationship anyway. Also, what do you mean who will take care? A nurse, because that's what they're paid to do.

I think it's more about home-care but totally agree with it being a bad basis for a relationship, same as having children so that they can take of you when you're old and need help due to whatever health problem. And there are professional home-care services (from the state/province) which you can get, my sister worked there for many years. Sure you have to get one that actually cares for you as a person and doesn't just see it as a chore, but who'll guarantee you that a partner or child won't do that (aka my father who's as useless in caring about anyone as a stone. He even asked if 'he has to come visit' when my mum was in hospital, as if he can't decide for himself is it's important enough to him or not)

 

And I really like the approach to just change topics and ignore them, or give them a sarcastic 'really???' look and... ignore them again because in the end it is nobody's business then you're own! As long as you're happy with your life, everything's fine

I've gotten such comments about dating and having children a couple of times now (being female myself) and (ok this is turning into a rant about my father now...) my father even got that far as just assuming that I'm dating my flatmate/friend and taking it as 'the truth' (even though I said no 3 times). And you know why? Because he's male.

[Audrey03]

i dont have experience with being told i "need to get a boyfriend/partner," but i will say that whenever my parents ask me "who i like" and i insist that i dont like anyone right now and they proceed to (playfully) not believe me, its annoying. i dont have to like someone romantically right now to be happy, im fine where im at right now. 

 

or when we talk about me and my brother having families in the future and i go "yeah but what if i dont have kids" and my parents either say it outright or give me that look like "you'll change your mind one day"

 

its not too big of a deal but it is frustrating when it happens.

[KeyKey]

I’m 44 and I get that everyday. Relatives constantly asking, “Are you seeing anyone?”

”Don’t give up.”

”Pray for a good man.”

 

It’s a lot of pressure. I have opportunities to date. I just can’t muster up the desire to go on one more date. It’s such a chore. But as my dad is getting up in age I’m paranoid about failing him by not allowing him to have walked me down the aisle and not giving my parents a grandchild.

[Mythos1]

2 hours ago, KeyKey said:

”Don’t give up.”

I hate that. What do they get in 'I'm not interested'?

 

@katinthehat I don't think it will stop either. I work in a male dominated workplace, so I get questions like this almost on a daily basis and more than enough flirtatious comments, harmless but still. At this point, some of my colleagues have outright asked if I was lesbian and you know what? If that makes you sleep easier at night and ease your sense of rejection then fine. I've grown immune to it all now, but, yeah it still sucks. As others have said, people in this society generally believe you can't have a fulfilling life unless you settle down with a SO and have a couple of kids. 

[œddy]

I must be lucky to so rarely get asked this question, or everyone has given up 🙃

[3Xi3X]

On 7/11/2019 at 10:32 AM, Homer said:

That is a crappy base for a relationship anyway. Also, what do you mean who will take care? A nurse, because that's what they're paid to do.

That made my day. Big smile. But it is true. People just have their fixed ideas. It’s on them.

 

i remember every time I went to visit my grandparents they would ask my mom (because they acted like I couldn’t understand Spanish?) if I had a girl friend in my life or not and if I was going to bring them over.

 

i just rolled my eyes and looked at them or my mom and said “Nope. I’ll let you know when I have one. Promise.”

 

🤷🏽‍♂️

[Homer]

1 hour ago, œddy said:

I must be lucky to so rarely get asked this question, or everyone has given up 🙃

It certainly fades as you age

[Liana]

I’m hoping that I don’t have to deal with this when I get into and out of college. My mom has already started asking me whenever she can if I plan to ask any girls out or if I plan to go to prom with anyone, the school year hasn’t even started so I have 0 clue who’ll be in my classes. My dad and his brother are trying to get me to go on a date with a cheerleader that lives 2 hours away from me, who I have never met.

 

On the part of a guy not knowing how to talk to girls, I don’t understand what’s supposed to change about that. Maybe my aceness stops me from noticing something, or me having grown up with 2 sisters, but I don’t see how one gender requires a separate set of skills to talk to.

[Purple Wanderer]

At work they assume I can't get a woman.

 

My friends think I must be gay.

 

My mother is upset I'm alone.

 

"I couldn't give a fuck if I'm single" is not believed but it shuts them up

[NerdyBirder]

I think my family has stopped asking about the lack of relationships with me because my family just doesn't ask prying questions. They usually just sweep the issues under the rug and don't ever really have deep conversations like that. But after my younger brother came out as gay and now has a long-term partner he has taken to many family gatherings, and my mom is in a "non-traditional" relationship with a guy that is almost 30 years younger than she is, my family just stopped questioning things lol. I also moved about 3 hours away from all my family and extended family so i do get a good bit of privacy when it comes to my personal life that i wouldn't have if i lived in the same area i grew up in. This was a very conscience decision on my part, i moved away immediately after college graduation.

[Zinerva]

This is a very familiar experience.
Being single was great until I was about 17, the usual, a good kid, staying out of trouble and all that. Ever since people have been more or less thinking something mus be wrong with me. Maybe I'm a lesbian. Maybe I need to meet the right person (like a coworker, which is a real thing I was suggested last week). Maybe I need to stop being so picky. Or do one-night stands. Or see a doctor (from a friend 🙃).  I hope this will cool down with more age and I'm just at the worst possible age right now. Once the best time to make babies has passed they will hopefully no longer care as much since it's too late. 

At family gatherings my mom pretty much shuts down any prying into my personal life. She has pretty much figured out I'm asexual without the actual term having been used. We've talked about people asking annoying me. Elsewhere I'm on my own though and as a closeted individual I can't just scream I'm ace and run out as much as I'd like to. I did huff annoyed and left the lunch table early at work though and after that I have been left more or less alone. But then again also the bosses have returned from their holidays after that so it could be that people have to act more civil now. 

[Firefly8]

On 7/10/2019 at 1:14 AM, katinthehat said:

"We need to find you a boy."

I get this too. Not only do they assume I need someone at all, they always assume I'd want a boy too, without even asking if gender is important. 

[katinthehat]

16 hours ago, NerdyBirder said:

I also moved about 3 hours away from all my family and extended family so i do get a good bit of privacy when it comes to my personal life that i wouldn't have if i lived in the same area i grew up in. This was a very conscience decision on my part, i moved away immediately after college graduation.

I wish I stayed in my home state of Nebraska after I graduated college. My degree in biology has been pretty much useless in getting me a decent paying wage. I can barely afford rent in Colorado while Nebraska had all that scrumptious affordable housing.

[Laplace]

People still think I’m awkward and can’t speak to women which is why I can’t get a date or get laid. Ummm, I speak to girls all the time (and still did back in school) and have likely had multiple opportunities to date/have sex. I don’t speak to girls much cause most of the time we don’t have enough in common to have a meaningful conversation about. And, people are always like, “Why don’t you go out more often to maybe meet more girls?” Uhhhh, cause I don’t really care? Seriously, I’m not bothered by the fact I’ve never dated or had any romantic/sexual interactions with anyone. It’s not sour grapes, it’s the truth. Not everyone’s self-confidence is measured by how well their love life is going. 😐 Actually, perhaps sorta it is cause I’m fine with mine as it is - it’s nonexistent - unless something dramatic changes my mind.

[Janus the Fox]

On 7/12/2019 at 6:47 AM, Sally said:

I like all of you.  

 

I've never tried this so I don't know if it would work:  when someone asks you/tells you something that frankly isn't any of their f*cking business, just ignore what they said and say something on an entirely different subject.  Just change the subject as though they didn't say what they said.  Maybe after several episodes of that, they'll stop.  

With Socialising classes I’ve had with my Autism support, it’s just easy as that.  It comes under Sensitive Topics yourself or others will not be able to talk about until getting much closer.  A change of topic or slipping into a similar topic to get to move into different topics is key.  I’m not able to read the non-verbal cues to appropriate suited social topics and situations otherwise.  I like to slip into computers and tech, there’s plenty of area to work around sex/sexuality around tech before moving into a fuller topic situation around tech.