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anisotrophic

maybe I'll never be attractive again but I still want to go ahead

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anisotrophic

I guess I just want to share stuff I can't talk about with most people.

 

This stuff mixes categories... it belongs partly in "gender" but I think is dominantly about my sexual orientation and having an asexual partner.

 

I have trouble remembering what it was like to have someone sexually attracted to me. I mean, attracted to me, the person, in a unique way. Did that ever happen? I'm sure it did happen, but it's been a decade and a half. Memories are fuzzy, they fade. Will it ever happen again?

I finally got to see a doctor for the first time, for hormones. We're doing lab tests. Once I've cleared that, I can start T. Still a few weeks.

What if transition seals my fate? What if I'm guaranteeing that I'll never again find a match like that, never again experience someone sexually attracted to me?

Last night, my spouse suggested I put off transition, to try dating and experiencing being sexually attractive. And I thought, "Ugh, no."

And I thought about why. I think I anticipate being uncomfortable feeling trapped in a purely female body, just to earn someone's attraction. I think it wouldn't feel like they were genuinely attracted to me – the person?

I think I'll just have to move forward. I have a foundation of loving support in my partner. With that secure, it seems that my gender identity is more important to me than the dream of fulfilled, reciprocal sexuality.

(And maybe I can have the sexuality too someday, I'm probably worrying too much.)

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KrysLost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3ej5JBa95E

 

 

If you're going for an androgynous look like this person right here, I think you'll be ok. There's plenty of people who find her sexually attractive (ik she's lesbian and all though). She looks like someone who would be nonbinary you know? Hope this helps..

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Serran

Trans people can still find people attracted to them. It isn't impossible. So, it will make dating a little harder, but you will feel it again when you start looking. Its not as if transition means you will be ugly. The confidence gained will probably be pretty sexy to a lot of people. 

 

You're just experiencing gender worry about not passing, I suspect. My trans friend has the same worries. 

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Cat_Eiffel

While I can't really speak to the rest, other than to advise to do what you feel you should do, I can speak to this:

 

"What if transition seals my fate? What if I'm guaranteeing that I'll never again find a match like that, never again experience someone sexually attracted to me?"

 

I'm a gray-ace, and currently dating a trans man who has been on T for two years, and I find myself sexually attracted to him. Going on T will change your looks, but that does not necessarily mean you will be unattractive. You do have to be careful, though, because dysphoria will literally lie to your face. My boyfriend passes extremely well (I didn't know he was trans until someone brought it up.), but he has a lot of trouble seeing himself as passing, if that makes sense? He still sees his old self in the mirror, even though his bone structure has literally changed.

 

"With that secure, it seems that my gender identity is more important to me than the dream of fulfilled, reciprocal sexuality."

You can still have fulfilled, reciprocal sexuality :) Just like Serran said. Might be a bit harder to find, but it's not impossible! Transition doesn't make you ugly.

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Telecaster68

A trans friend of mine 'turned' a straight woman, and now they're happily married... 

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anisotrophic

@KrystalLost I'm probably going to look different because I'll be taking T, I'm going to be genuinely physically more male in some ways -- voice is going to become male, probably facial/body hair.
 

26 minutes ago, Serran said:

You're just experiencing gender worry about not passing, I suspect.

But I'm not really sure where I'm going, I don't think I'm worried about being one or the other. I *do* want to be clearly less of this one, some of the other... I'm not sure what passing means.

 

31 minutes ago, KrystalLost said:

ik she's lesbian and all though

 

20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

A trans friend of mine 'turned' a straight woman

yeah see... I get exposed to a lot more cultural sense that women are more flexible towards gender identities in their partners and transitioned folks. and I've read gay transmen complain about how gay cismen want the "full package", as it were... and stories of women being attracted to transitioned partners don't reassure me much.

but then, my spouse says a cismale colleague at work mentioned his partner was a trans man, and talked about his transition. And that reassured me... stories of men with transmale and transmasculinized NB partners. That the stereotype of male sexuality being so "binary" wasn't 100%.

@Serran @Cat_Eiffel thank you for telling me transition won't make me ugly! It's such a simple fear, but it's real, it helps to hear that.

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Serran

It is a big worry to people. But, it is really an unfounded worry. 

 

As for passing, from what I can tell, the important part is passing for looking good to yourself. Being content enough with the changes to feel confident. The rest... doesn't matter what society says much, except some people find validation from others helpful for internal acceptance. So, passing would be "Do I look the way I want to?" 

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AceMissBehaving

I have a few friends and acquaintances at various stages of transition, some have been on T for years and I had zero idea were trans till I got to know them better, some have just started. One thing I’ve seen is that as the changes stack up, l and they start to feel more themself, the growing confidence starts to shine through, and that in itself is magnetic.

 

I’m an ace cis woman so don’t know how much this matters, but I find a lot of attractive qualities in people at all different stages of transition, or who have chosen not to physically transition at all. I think you’ll find a lot of people who will find you attractive, and I don’t think you have to put off transition or be anything but authentic self for that to happen. 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I think you're a beautiful person no matter what you look like and screw anyone who can't see otherwise.

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Kyriee

If someone isn't attracted to you because you don't fit their idea of attractive, that's their loss.

If someone isnt' attracted to you because you're trans, that's their bigotry.

Don't change who you are or let it detract you from your quest to be who you want to be just to placate others.

If someone is worth your time and energy, they'll want *YOU*.
Not who they think you should be.

 

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, Kyriee said:

If someone isn't attracted to you because you don't fit their idea of attractive, that's their loss.

If someone isnt' attracted to you because you're trans, that's their bigotry.

Don't change who you are or let it detract you from your quest to be who you want to be just to placate others.

If someone is worth your time and energy, they'll want *YOU*.
Not who they think you should be.

 

Which is all well and good, but doesn't really do the trick when you're sexual, it's 3am, and you can't imagine anyone ever fancying you again.

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anisotrophic

ehhh I dunno if I can call it bigotry to not being attracted to someone because they're trans. We can't really control who we're attracted to.

Like I know personally I have trouble with people that are too overweight. I can't control this aspect of my sexuality, but I can control how I communicate around it, and act with empathy, because I know how hard it is, it's been a personal struggle for me. I've *been* obese for most of my adult life.

 

And I've been attracted to men. But I'm honestly not sure how my "attraction" would be affected by a man being trans. I don't know how transition would intersect with whatever unconscious elements drive my attraction. It's not a situation I've dealt with.

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Serran

If it helps...

 

I never thought I could be into a person that was trans. Nothing against them, could be friends, but I felt "hetero" meant cis people only. And i felt hetero. So, just seemed like a not my type. 

 

However... then I got close to someone who is trans. And my ideas went out the window. I wanted to be with them, kiss them, etc and I didn't care if they were trans or what they changed their body to. I wanted their mind, their "soul". I didnt care anymore if that made me hetero, bi, pan whatever.  I just knew I wanted them as a person. 

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iff

I think this is part of general anxiety on transitioning.

 

While I don't have sexual attraction, I do experience aesthetic attraction where I can appreciate that this person is attractive. One thing I realised with this is that there isn't a wide range of attractive people. There are people I wouldn't consider attractive but others do, but there are others I do but others don't agree. I think it is part of it, there isn't one ideal of attractiveness to go for.

 

You won't be attractiveness in the same way as before when you start transitioning but you'll be attractiveness in your own way (which I think goes for everyone). The saying goes "everyone is someone's type"

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anisotrophic

@Serran thanks, I think it does help!

 

@iff hah this thing where I might move from one aesthetic to another (and how it'll feel) worries my partner -- even if he doesn't have any sexual opinions. But mostly he agrees with "let's just go ahead and see" (and that so far nothing I've done seems to affect his feelings).

 

but... I want to do it even if nobody ever does desire me again. Hopefully that's not going to be the case, but even if it were true. I think that's the simplest answer.

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