Asexual people's attitudes about possibly having sex

[everywhere and nowhere]

It's a fairly basic poll, but I want to get more statistical data. Because I have seen several ace censuses and results were very different. Perhaps it's a matter of how questions were worded? Anyway, I have seen both censuses which showed that sex-indifferent asexuals are the majority and those which showed that the majority is more or less sex-averse. So let's try again, this time on the forum.

[andreas1033]

Thankfully i am totally dead to humans, and have been for along time.

 

So no chance for me.

[Bloc]

I can imaging having sex with someone I trust, especially given my gender dysphoria which precludes anything like PIV or oral sex performed on me. I would probably enjoy it, even though I don't need it for me to be a fulfilling relationship. I would say I am a sex-favorable grey ace, with a lot of no-gos.

[Rama]

Are you more interested in what people personally identify as? In that case I think I'd say averse, but I'd kind of like to know what those terms mean to you before I vote.

[Lunala]

I'm sex-repulsed. I'd rather watch paint dry than have sex.

[SithLord]

I think you should define your terms before asking how people identify. I personally identify as sex-indifferent because I'm not against having sex, but I could easily be considered sex-averse because I dislike having sex and would only have it if it was important to my relationship. To me, sex-favorable means generally enjoy sex and while they don't desire it, they're not at all against the idea and enjoy the act itself while sex-negative hate sex or would never consider having it. 

[griffinej5]

I couldn’t imagine a situation in which I would willingly have sex. There is no person I’ve met to date who could convince me to. 

[iff]

I toyed between second and third option, going with the third option. I guess i would feel comfortably if it is a very comfortable environment with a trusted partner.

 

I'd be sex in different

[Fantastic Name]

Sex-averse. Even if I was in long-term relationship with a trusting partner I'd be super uncomfortable with it. The thought of me having sex with another person just feels wrong.

[Homer]

(1) Whatevs. Maybe. Neither is it high on my priority list nor is it likely to happen.

(2) other because idgaf about "labels"

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, Rama said:

Are you more interested in what people personally identify as? In that case I think I'd say averse, but I'd kind of like to know what those terms mean to you before I vote.

I'm, first of all, interested in knowing the data - which group is larger, because I have seen available data pointing in both directions. I have seen some data indicating that about 60% of asexuals are more or less sex-averse and used it to support my arguments - but perhaps I was wrong insofar as that percentage could be an overestimate.

 

The way I understand these labels, they are:

• sex-favourable - willing to have sex, even if not actively desiring it. (I'd stick to the "if", not "when", because if "not actively desiring it" isn't a requirement, this group would simply include allosexuals just as well. Probably most allosexuals are sex-favourable, but it's not like they can't have varying attitudes about sex. In fact, under the official definition of asexuality, I could be a highly sex-averse allosexual.)
• sex-indifferent - doesn't care about sex, could potentially have it, but wouldn't mind never having it.
• sex-averse - varying levels of negative feelings towards sex (such as disgust, anxiety, distress etc.) - limited to the possibility of personally having sex.
• sex-repulsed - varying levels of negative feelings towards sex (such as disgust, anxiety, distress etc.) - generalised, that is, including unpleasant feelings towards any sexual content.

I'm sex-averse. I don't mind other people's sex, in fact I can have third-person fantasies or even watch porn. But ther's no way I could personally have sex. This idea is very intensely frightening to me. Which is why I chose the last answer to the first question - I really cannot imagine what it would take for me to consent to sex, I cannot imagine circumstances in which it would be a possibility.

 

Anyway, all options should be valid. I am of course very strongly against aversion-shaming, against claiming that "True Asexuals" should be just indifferent to sex or seeking some pathological "etiology" of sex aversion. Note that "sex aversion" is a phrase fully acknowledged also outside the asexual community - but there it doesn't mean the same, most people consider sex aversion to always be a result of trauma or at least some negative experience. But, fortunately, such arguments seem rare, at least at this forum.

However, I would also be against "favourability-shaming", against telling people that if they want to have sex, they have no right to ever claim the asexual label. In a way, I would prefer the asexual label to become obsolete or, maybe better, just not necessary for people who don't want to have sex. I want all reasons for not having sex to be considered legitimate. I want celibacy to become socioculturally acceptable again and unwanted sex - to finally be fully rejected. I want people to condemn sexual pressure and recognise it as a form of sexual violence. Not only within partnerships, but also as general sociocultural pressure - people should rather frown upon telling others that they shoud "just give it a try" and recognise that it's not a good thing to tell anyone because if someone has a level of willingness to have sex, they will recognise it themself. This way, people who don't want to have sex wouldn't even necessarily need to find the asexual label to know that their preferred lifestyle is valid. They would know that most people desire sex, some people don't desire sex and that the world would be a worse place without either group. A World of Similar People is not where I'd want to live.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Repulsed and absolute no.

[Winged Whisperer]

"I'm not completely closed to the idea, but not enthusiastic about it." And "Sex-averse" respectively, though being sex-averse is more of my "default" state as my attitude towards sex is very dependent on my general mood and I can range anywhere from favorable to averse.

[Rama]

Yeah okay. I think sex-averse does fit me pretty accurately most of the time. I'm able to have discussions about friends' sex lives and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. However, I recently was reading a thread on another forum about someone's sexual experience that was for some reason making me really uncomfortable. I don't know if maybe it's because I was projecting myself onto that person or what, but at the time it was making me think I might be repulsed after all. Still, it was a freak one-off so I'll continue to call myself averse.

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

I'm largely sex averse, but there have been a few people (3) I have known that I would be open to trying out some stuff with, but this far, far from the norm for me.

[Member131995]

Averse and absolutely no situation or person where I'd ever want to do it.

[Skycaptain]

I can't see me getting involved in partnered sexy stuffs, I'm sex-repulsed. But as the old cliché goes, never say never 

[Sally]

The thing is, you're not going to get data by asking people on AVEN, because all you'll get are answers from people who 1) have seen this thread, and 2) are willing to participate in the poll.  That's just a poll, not data, so you can't compare the results to any more rigorous survey done with a large group of respondents.  

[everywhere and nowhere]

7 hours ago, Sally said:

The thing is, you're not going to get data by asking people on AVEN, because all you'll get are answers from people who 1) have seen this thread, and 2) are willing to participate in the poll.  That's just a poll, not data, so you can't compare the results to any more rigorous survey done with a large group of respondents.  

Sure. But at least, it's a sample.

[Karst]

I'm not what you would call repulsed by the idea, but I have a hard time imagining a situation where such a thing would be likely for me.

[Sally]

On 7/9/2019 at 1:36 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

Sure. But at least, it's a sample.

true.  I just reacted to you saying "but I want to get more statistical data."  -- because some  people don't differentiate between a poll and actual data.   

[J. van Deijck]

I could only consent to sex in a very trusted environment, such as for a partner in a long-term relationship. - this just sounds like me. I don't really care about sex in any other conditions. I also don't like talking about other people's sex life as I am not interested in it.

[anzu2snow]

I’m mixed on this. I’m very sex-repulsed when it pertains to myself. The idea of it actually makes me feel sick. However, I’m extremely curious about it. Like it’s some new experience. More about the feeling. If I did have it in the future, I’d probably have to be blindfolded or something. I wouldn’t say I’d never have it. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

@anzu2snow, could you perhaps explain more about your feelings? I find it very curious. I myself admit that I do feel some level of curiousity about sex, about what it feels like - but I also can say with certainty that I'm not going to have sex. I am strongly sex-averse and despite feeling some curiousity, I still know that I just couldn't have sex, such an idea feels terrifying to me.

Conflicted feelings about sex are indeed a very interesting issue. I used to think that sex-averse people would be "asexual by default", but it seems that sex aversion can have different grades. In my own case, while it doesn't prevent me from feeling curiousity or even sexual attraction, it fully stops me from being able to want to actually have sex.

[R_1]

Now, coming to think of it, I'm a literal mix of the last 3 option for first question.

[anzu2snow]

@Nowhere Girl Well, I’m not sex-averse. I don’t think it’s asexual by default. There are aces that enjoy it, there are those that don’t care, etc. I think it’s not good to assume the majority or ‘default’ is any certain way. Since action is different than attraction. Some allos may be averse, too.

 

In the past when it’s been directed towards me (like talking in graphic detail about it or someone actually trying to do it with me), my stomach churns and heartbeat increases like I’m in danger. I end up coming close to throwing up. It’s a very visceral feeling. Despite that, it’s something others have experienced. I’m curious about the sensation. Maybe if conditions were figured out where I wouldn’t feel as sick, I could try it. I’ve heard of some sex-repulsed aces figuring something out with their partners, and liking it that way. They do things like wear blindfolds, lights out, earplugs, etc. It is possible. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

8 hours ago, anzu2snow said:

I don’t think it’s asexual by default. There are aces that enjoy it, there are those that don’t care, etc. I think it’s not good to assume the majority or ‘default’ is any certain way.

No, I rather meant that sex aversion would "automatically" make a person effectively asexual, not that sex aversion is the asexual default. The former is probably not true either. But still, I feel that something like this might be the case for me: that my long-lost starting point (which I wouldn't want to "find" anyway, I wouldn't want to become capable of having sex) was allosexual, but my sex aversion is so strong that it fully prevents me from being able to desire sex.

[OmegaTheMetamorphicDreamer]

I'm completely repulsed and completely against the thought of it.

[Tree snake]

1) "Touch me and I'll shank you!" should tell people enough.

 

2) This one is tricker to explain where I stand... I tend to be fairly oblivious to sex, I don't see it or recognize it unless it's in my face. I have no physical or emotional response to thinking about sex. Seeing sex scenes on TV or reading sex scenes in books annoy me but I don't think it's gross (funny, I have no issues with reading porn fanfics)

I don't know what to call myself; repulsed is not it, averse doesn't feel right either, indifferent is wrong too...

[Zagadka]

I guess I'm indifferent? The thought is OK, nudity is OK, sexual humor I can find funny, I'm OK with physical contact. Someone would really, really have to force me to have sex, and I probably wouldn't be close to anyone who would make someone have sex, so the question is a little irrelevant. I can't imagine being in a relationship that would involve it. But I wouldn't have a bad reaction that a lot of aces do. I don't think "awkward" would cover the scale of the idea of participating in sex, but neither would repulsion.

 

... if I found myself in extreme levels of love and devotion and my partner needed it for some reason... but being in that situation is a creepy thought.