Jump to content
RevWife

OK to claim needs?

Recommended Posts

RevWife

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We were very sexually intimate in the beginning, but that died away three or four years ago, and now she tells me that she is asexual. I am totally cool with that. Really I am. I never wanted children, and was celibate (by choice, for various reasons) until we married. Sex is really not that important to me. However, intimacy is. She was sexually abused by her former partner, so I get that she feel is like intimacy always leads to sex, but that is not true in our case. I know she knows this in her head, but not in her heart. 

 

Every time I try to talk to her about what I need, she gets very defensive. But I really need the intimacy, physical closeness. I feel guilty about wanting to kiss my wife, and I shouldn't. I have no idea of how to address this with her. And , it hurts when she's pulling away. I try not to take it personally, but it is happening nonetheless.

 

I don't know if I am looking for support, or suggestions, just feeling kind of alone. And sad. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

You'll find lots of posts from sexual partners in the 'Friends and Allies' section here.

 

Obviously no-one owes anyone else sex, and sometimes 'mixed' relationships, between sexuals and asexuals can be managed; what tends to kill of relationships is lack of communication, and intransigence/lack of compromise. And your needs for some degree of non-sexual physical intimacy are completely valid. The issue is finding a compromise that both can live with long term.

 

One approach that's worked with some couples is to write down what you want to communicate - and frame it as a relationship issue to be solved together, not her problem which needs her to be healed.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Welcome @RevWife. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch. To answer your thread question, absolutely and without doubt! You are not wrong to both have and seek to fulfill needs.  The larger question it appears is how to do that with an unwilling partner?

 

Some folks seem to accept their spouses refusal to communicate.  Others have spouses that communicate, but can’t easily understand things from alternate perspectives, if at all. I see defensiveness as a way to shut down which should be unacceptable. It’s essentially a refusal to consider a partner's needs.

 

Communication is critical if you wish to work towards a mutually agreed upon compromise.  Perhaps couples therapy may help in facilitating these deeper conversations. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
1 hour ago, RevWife said:

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We were very sexually intimate in the beginning, but that died away three or four years ago, and now she tells me that she is asexual. I am totally cool with that. Really I am. I never wanted children, and was celibate (by choice, for various reasons) until we married. Sex is really not that important to me. However, intimacy is. She was sexually abused by her former partner, so I get that she feel is like intimacy always leads to sex, but that is not true in our case. I know she knows this in her head, but not in her heart. 

 

Every time I try to talk to her about what I need, she gets very defensive. But I really need the intimacy, physical closeness. I feel guilty about wanting to kiss my wife, and I shouldn't. I have no idea of how to address this with her. And , it hurts when she's pulling away. I try not to take it personally, but it is happening nonetheless.

 

I don't know if I am looking for support, or suggestions, just feeling kind of alone. And sad. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

Many people need intimacy in order to be happy, to feel in love. At the same time some people are unable to provide that.   All you can do is talk and see if there is a solution that works for both of you.   

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RevWife

Thank you all. The real issue is communication, of course. Trauma begets trauma sometimes. I especially like the idea of writing it down and working it out together... particulalry insightful for the way we both communicate. 

 

We are both ministers, and so probably overprocess things ourselves as well. Occupational hazard. And the shutting down is  long standing practice in dealing with her birth family - and never acceptable in my birth familly so....

 

Thank you so much for understanding. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...