OK to claim needs?

[RevWife]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We were very sexually intimate in the beginning, but that died away three or four years ago, and now she tells me that she is asexual. I am totally cool with that. Really I am. I never wanted children, and was celibate (by choice, for various reasons) until we married. Sex is really not that important to me. However, intimacy is. She was sexually abused by her former partner, so I get that she feel is like intimacy always leads to sex, but that is not true in our case. I know she knows this in her head, but not in her heart. 

 

Every time I try to talk to her about what I need, she gets very defensive. But I really need the intimacy, physical closeness. I feel guilty about wanting to kiss my wife, and I shouldn't. I have no idea of how to address this with her. And , it hurts when she's pulling away. I try not to take it personally, but it is happening nonetheless.

 

I don't know if I am looking for support, or suggestions, just feeling kind of alone. And sad. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

[Traveler40]

Welcome @RevWife. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch. To answer your thread question, absolutely and without doubt! You are not wrong to both have and seek to fulfill needs.  The larger question it appears is how to do that with an unwilling partner?

 

Some folks seem to accept their spouses refusal to communicate.  Others have spouses that communicate, but can’t easily understand things from alternate perspectives, if at all. I see defensiveness as a way to shut down which should be unacceptable. It’s essentially a refusal to consider a partner's needs.

 

Communication is critical if you wish to work towards a mutually agreed upon compromise.  Perhaps couples therapy may help in facilitating these deeper conversations. 

[uhtred]

1 hour ago, RevWife said:

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We were very sexually intimate in the beginning, but that died away three or four years ago, and now she tells me that she is asexual. I am totally cool with that. Really I am. I never wanted children, and was celibate (by choice, for various reasons) until we married. Sex is really not that important to me. However, intimacy is. She was sexually abused by her former partner, so I get that she feel is like intimacy always leads to sex, but that is not true in our case. I know she knows this in her head, but not in her heart. 

 

Every time I try to talk to her about what I need, she gets very defensive. But I really need the intimacy, physical closeness. I feel guilty about wanting to kiss my wife, and I shouldn't. I have no idea of how to address this with her. And , it hurts when she's pulling away. I try not to take it personally, but it is happening nonetheless.

 

I don't know if I am looking for support, or suggestions, just feeling kind of alone. And sad. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

Many people need intimacy in order to be happy, to feel in love. At the same time some people are unable to provide that.   All you can do is talk and see if there is a solution that works for both of you.   

[RevWife]

Thank you all. The real issue is communication, of course. Trauma begets trauma sometimes. I especially like the idea of writing it down and working it out together... particulalry insightful for the way we both communicate. 

 

We are both ministers, and so probably overprocess things ourselves as well. Occupational hazard. And the shutting down is  long standing practice in dealing with her birth family - and never acceptable in my birth familly so....

 

Thank you so much for understanding.