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degenerate

Never understood sexual jealousy, but now I do

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degenerate

I noticed how sexually possessive people are of their partners, but I've thought it was silly, paranoid and unfair up until this last year of my life. I now realize the reason I didn't understand many people's insecurity about their partner having a sexual liaison outside of their relationship, is because, despite what I've been led to believe, it is very common for people to form a special bond with each other due to having sex alone. It seems something no one wants to recognize clearly, even though it is an integral part of romantic relationships, because even asexuals show this jealousy, when they refuse to let their partner have sex outside of their relationship, for fear that their partner's loyalty to them will be compromised and they will be left with a less emotionally intimate relationship with their partner, or may even lose their partner to the outside lover. But their fears are well founded. I'm faced with the simple reality that this is how the vast majority of human hearts work, and I would be foolish to reject it.

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Grimalkin

Mhm. Sex can be very intimate. Sex releases all kinds of chemicals and emotions. Some people can have sex and have it mean next to nothing, but for the majority of people, they're going to form a bond if they keep being intimate with the same person. 

 

This is why even though I'm asexual, I'd much rather have sex with my partner than open up my relationship. I want him to be wholly mine romantically and emotionally, and sex is too closely tied to those things (for sexual people) for me to feel comfortable having him seek sex elsewhere. 

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Traveler40
33 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

This is why even though I'm asexual, I'd much rather have sex with my partner than open up my relationship. I want him to be wholly mine romantically and emotionally, and sex is too closely tied to those things (for sexual people) for me to feel comfortable having him seek sex elsewhere. 

Yes.  

 

Edit: Forced celibacy (or complete dismissal of a partner’s needs while demanding observance of one’s own) is ultimately unworkable imho. The rift caused from that, many times, is the beginning of the end.  

 

Some are able to stick for decades, unhappily, but I wonder if they might also be lower libido to some degree or simply believe their needs aren’t worthy enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Traveler40
27 minutes ago, degenerate said:

it is very common for people to form a special bond with each other due to having sex alone.

There are also sexual people that need the bond to have the sex. Many times they go hand in hand regardless of order.

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Memento1

Oh yeah.  It's biological.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone.  It's what facilitates any social bonding, including friendships, but it's heavily released during sex, childbirth, and nursing.  That's why people sometimes have sex just to have sex, then unintentionally develop feelings for the person.

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aquariusabandoned

You bring up a great point! I’m grey-asexual and I wouldn’t feel comfy with an open relationship. I love the person and am still a bit of a sensual type. I love to cuddle people.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

As long as I don't feel threatened by the other person, I don't have sexual jealousy. I have two rules... Don't have sex with other people because you're angry with me, and don't hide it if and when you do have sex with other people.  I want to know about it.  That has always worked well for me.

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MrDane

I just remember how some of my “first kisses” with a person, kind of opened my eyes to the feelings I had or perhaps in my youth, feelings of togetherness that I really longed for. 

 

In other words, I would fear for “caving in” to a desire for not just mutually adult consensus sex, but also a desire to be sexually desired, and even on a regular basis. I could lose so much.

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anamikanon

This doesn't make sense to me. My partner is MORE likely to lose me if asexual and demanding monogamy, not less, because the only way I'd be able to EVER have spontaneous, mutually enjoyable sex again would become dumping him. Essentially adding a positive value to getting rid of him.

 

I don't find sexual jealousy logical (or emotional, etc). As long as my relationship with a partner is good, I am not really bothered by what kind of a relationship they may have with someone else. And if it isn't good, the fact that it isn't good bothers me more than what they have with someone else. If an external cause MUST be assigned to an intimate relationship going bad, "work pressures" would rank on top for most modern relationships, followed by "differing priorities" "incompatibility" "taken for granted" "refuse to compromise" etc with "found another partner" not likely to even be on the radar of top reasons to lose someone. Yet we wouldn't expect someone to quit their job because they fell in love with us, right?

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oldgeeza

I've only ever had women use me to cheat on their partners, I will add that I was blissfully unaware of the situation when it was happening, but after being cheated on so many times, I wised up to it, I've been single for nearly 30 years now, the reason being, two of the women in my past relationships answered my question as to why they cheated, their answer was "you were single, you're ugly, you do anything to please, you're desperate, I wanted to see if I still had it in me to pull, you proved I could, you were my ego boost" at this stage, I knew I didn't really want sex, but relationships never lasted long enough for either of us to initiate sex, it wasn't until 10/12 years ago I disovered the term asexual and this site to realise there are others like me. I've remained single, not just because of the answers that I was given, but because even if I could be involved in a relationship, if my partner was sexual, it would be wrong to deny them something that satisfies their needs, having tried sex, it made me feel physically sick afterwards, I'm not sex repulsed, as long as I'm not the one having sex.

 

On a slightly different side of things, I was at a party today, a friends' daughters party, her parents are divorced, they both remarried, rather ironically they're both going through their second divorce at the same time, they were both present today, he has got off with one of his sisters friends, she is very much single, there was a little tension because he was getting along with his partner, I get along with all parties, I know nothing would have kicked off, but I would have spoken to any one of them, even though I've not been successful in relationships, I do respect that people can't help the way they feel towards someone else, having learned from what I've seen in the past, I can offer some constructive advice, plus the fact, I have friends that I love dearly, of which they all fall into that category so without wanting to fall out with any of them, or take sides, I would have to do my best to stop any bad feelings

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