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Sgtmongler

Im pretty sure my girlfriend of almost five years is sex-repulsed asexual

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Sgtmongler

Hey everyone, I literally made an account on here for some advice. I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 5 years (we broke up and had a break for about 2).  And I've known she's been asexual since our first year of dating, I am not (were both 24). I love her so much, I care for her deeply. I've been very respectful of her asexuality, I always try to stay in her comfort zone. We have had talks multiple times about maybe taking it alittle further but it's always a topic she's not comfortable talking about. She thinks that any genitalia or sex in anyway is disgusting, she barely kisses me (only goodbye kisses really), she also thinks making out is gross. And I've been respectful of all that but I feel like it's finally taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do, I love her so much and I don't want to end it and hurt her again, but I also don't want to give up sex my whole life. When we were broken up and she was messaging me to possibly get back with me she told me she wanted to try sexual experiences, and that it is deep rooted in her anxiety that it might help. The other day we had another conversation about it, and she told me she "was just saying shit." Which makes me think she told me that to get back with me. I just don't know what to do. This is such a sensitive subject for her. 

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Sgtmongler

I should also mention that she's scared that if we do try something and she doesn't like it she might not want anything to do with me after...

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skullery

Something to think about, in all sincerity...

 

Best case scenario here is after years of therapy and fights and stress, you have a partner who can kinda have sex when she has to. Is that what you ultimately want? 

 

 

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Sally

And, after all that, the period  of time that she may be able to force herself to have sex will be very short, since being actually repulsed by sex tends to get worse as time goes on.  Affectionate behavior like kisses and touching (and certainly making out) is difficult for people who are repulsed by sex, because those behaviors tend to lead to sex.  

 

Over time, that dissonance between two people tends to wear out love.  

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MichaelTannock

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies'.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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KrysLost

Mate, the hard truth is that you're likely going to have to let her go and her the same. If you two are this sexuality incompatible then it's not going to work. She's either going to have traumatize herself trying to have sex or you're going to live a sexless life. There's always the possibility of an open relationship if that's want you two can agree with though. Other than that it's probably best to let go.  

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Nowhere Girl
1 hour ago, KrystalLost said:

She's either going to have traumatize herself trying to have sex

And this is something I'd really prefer sex-averse people to avoid.

Talk seriously to your girlfriend. You can present the option of an open relationship if you feel that such a solution would be acceptable and would work for you. But don't pressure her into having sex. And even if she herself suggests trying some sexual stuff - the most responsible reaction would be to refuse and tell her that you don't want her to torture herself.

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