No desire for sex an very little for affection of any kindso getting divorced.

[Jojocircus]

I've always known that I was different,  but I never knew what asexuality was and just realized that I am definitely asexual.

I always thought that in life you are supposed to find a partner,  get married, have kids, etc. So I did. I've  been married for 12 years and have 3 kids. I never enjoyed sex. At all. Most of the time It doesn't bother me too bad to do it, but I never  actually want it .I've always just done it because I'm supposed to. Everyone else seems to love it so I always just figured  there must be something wrong with me an I had to supress it so I just do it as if it's just any other chore like dishes or laundry.  The problem is that my husband is extremely sexual and needs a lot of affection and it isn't something I ever want or need so I never initiate sexual contact and rarely physical contact of any kind. He equates sex and affection with love and this has been a huge problem in our marriage. The only problem in fact.  We get along in every other way and I love him more than life, but I don't want to have sex and I don't need affection so I don't think about  initiating it and that has made him feel very unloved and very defeated and broken for so long. We decided to get a divorce but stay friends because we love each other and are compatible in every other way besides sexually.  I'm worried about this next chapter. I want him to be happ and I'm devastated that I can't be the one to make him happy, but I also refuse to pretend that I enjoy sex any longer. How do I get through this?

[darkpoetess]

Did you realize that you are asexual because you don't enjoy sex? Do you experience attraction? Or did you at one point or could see yourself experiencing it again? While asexuals typically do not desire sex, the primary source of this is that they do not experience attraction. That is central to asexual orientation. The reason I ask is that there are those who identify as asexual even though they do experience physical attraction, just don't desire sex or intimacy. I certainly have no intention of defining your orientation, just making an observation based on what you've said.

 

In any case, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this difficult time and I have been divorced myself, sex was a big problem for us as well. I thought I was asexual for about a year until I realized I was actually demisexual. All you can do is take things a step at a time and never lose sight of the fact that you still care for each other. My husband and I went through something similar to what you are and it is a very painful experience to be sure, but is not impossible to overcome and each live your lives. Best wishes to you.

[WildWest]

9 hours ago, Jojocircus said:

He equates sex and affection with love and this has been a huge problem in our marriage.

Do you mean to say "He equates sex with affection and love"? I don't get people who think like that. Do they have sex with their kids and parents? Of course sex can be affectionate but it's not all there is to affection and if the other person is not very comfortable with it it's more about feeling validated than affection.

[Jojocircus]

I believe I'm asexual because I have no desire for sex and never have. I don't even look at people that I find good looking and want anything sexual with them. I always thought something was wrong with me so I just had sex, but there has never been a time where I wanted to do it.  I kept thinking I'd get use to it or have thay desire one day.  Like a "fake it til you make it" thing and I have never felt a desire for it. Most of the time I'm indifferent towards it and did to keep my partner happy, but sometimes I'm really annoyed that I have to do it. Like it's an obligation or duty that I have to preform because it's part of life and it's something people are supposed to do when they love each other. And I thought I was a sociopath for a long time, but I knew I did feeel emotion, just not sexual desire.  I spent years trying to mimic desire and trying to make myself want to have sex, but I'm 32 and I have never looked at a single person and thought, 'I would really like to have sex with that person'. In trying to figure out how to make myself want to have sex I came across a few articles and posts on asexuality and it was like a light switched on and I realized that maybe there isn't something wrong with me. It just fits. I have zero desire for sex. I can tolerate for someone I love, but sex or even intimacy are just things I don't need or want to be happy. 

[Jojocircus]

10 minutes ago, WildWest said:

Do you mean to say "He equates sex with affection and love"? I don't get people who think like that. Do they have sex with their kids and parents? Of course sex can be affectionate but it's not all there is to affection and if the other person is not very comfortable with it it's more about feeling validated than affection.

Well I don't even think about initiating affection.  I think in my head for years affection was going to lead to sex because is so hypersexual so I stopped actively initiating most forms of affection on that basis. He always says that he needs sexual intimacy to feel loved and when I'm indifferent toward sex, he feels like I don't love him and if I did I would never want to keep my hands off of him because that's how he feels. He is also very need when it comes to hugging and kissing and just affection in general which I don't do because I know it leads to sex so through the years we became roommates. That have no intimacy and pretty robotic sex because of ignorance of my lack of desire for sexual stuff. It's hard to explain. 

Edited June 27, 2019 by Jojocircus
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[darkpoetess]

Ah yes, I didn't mean seeing a person and wanting to have sex with them. I was referring to attraction, chemical responses, not desire for the act of sex. For example, a 12 year old can have an attraction to a schoolmate without knowing anything about sex or wanting sex. Sexual desire or lack thereof is more in the realm of libido than attraction, even though the two can certainly go hand in hand in the sexual or asexual direction. 

[NickyTannock]

@Jojocircus A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I think having someone to talk to who will listen would help you get through the divorce.

So I second @CBC's suggestion.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Carnival Cake,

[Boston]

@Jojocircus I am new here and so much of what you said... it’s like you’re reading my mind- I could have written the same things! 

I know there have been times in my life when I’ve lusted after someone, or felt “turned on”, but definitely much more when I was quite young, or when I was single and wanting to flirt and attract a guy.

From my first relationship as a teenager until now in my marriage at 45 years old there has always been conflict about my failure to initiate..

So I’m always torn… Do you just fake it till you make it or do what  you are allegedly supposed to do for your mate, or honor your authentic self?