justtryingtodeletethis Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) hi. so, im 20 and pretty im tune with what i like, i think. im autistic and i e known im ace/aro spec for five years. me and my gitlfriend are nearing our 1 year anniversary and we finally met in real life, which means we kissed. its my first time kissing. its happened twice nad it makes me anxious? it isnt their fault, but i feel bad saying i dont want to, or i need space alone, or stuff like that. and when we kissed it felt like my head was floating from my vbody and it was really overwhelming. they said its normal to feel like that but it was really kind of scary for me. i thought it would feel like nothing and just like lips pressing together but it was actually full of feeling and it made me feel high which is a trigger for me. i feel like a shitty girlfriend. what do i do. is this normal? does it go away? theyre acearo and autistic too but. idk. they dont seem to mind it Edited June 27, 2019 by gerardwaysgrandpapants more details Quote Link to post Share on other sites
justtryingtodeletethis Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 i almost feel kind of overhwlemed and suffocatey st anything that isnt cuddling for a couple minutes 😵😵😵 its really stressful Quote Link to post Share on other sites
justtryingtodeletethis Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 i do love them but their feelings are more romantic than mine are i think. but i agreed to date them romantically and was even mind of excited about some aspects of it, so idk whats wrong. its gonna sound like i dont but i do love them Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 It sounds like, while you're ace and aro, you're allosensual. What's likely to make this confusing for your girlfriend is that most people consider the sensual excitement to be a very pleasant experience. Apparently, it's less pleasant for you. My best advice would be to try to explain it all to her, adding in that you feel the arousal from kissing, but it's not a positive feeling for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Feeling overwhelmed could be an autistic thing, have you considered that? I don't know your sensitivities so. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sandra B Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I love kissing so the opposite in that respect - I am a kissaholic with the right person and the reason I like it so much is because it does give you a natural high of dopamine - no medical drugs necessary. It makes me feel so naturally excited and good, and I love it like a very favourite hobby to do. Why is feeling high a trigger for you? If I may ask? I think it may be to do with both your autism and the fact you are Aro spec which means you are not keen on kissing. Many aro spec are not liking kissing, and even a lot of romantic asexuals I know, are not into that much kissing. Whereas I am super romantic. I don't however, like my body being out of control, so when I was in heterosexual relationships and the guy I was with was touching me or having sex, I would stop if my body started to shake or feel out of control - Apparently an orgasm makes your body shake and lose control, so no thank you. I think this may be the same problem for you, the feeling of being out of control, but to do with kissing, rather than sex. What do you think about that theory? Sandra xx Quote Link to post Share on other sites
justtryingtodeletethis Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 i think its being out of control. i donyt want anything that clouds my judgement at all. maybe because i have csa and childhood abuse trauma (docs think ptsd but havent gotten the test yet) or that i greened out on weed when i was a kid cause i didnt know i ingested it and hallucinated for like a week straight but now it makes me really sick and i hyperventialats and get anxiety attacks and cry and shake and dissociate and have flashbacks. i always thought i would like kissing and im sad that i dont. its supposed to feel good or neutral but i just feel scared. i think its my asexuality combining with autism and trauma but i hate it. i always thought it would feel good. im a writer and i always wrote characters kissing like it felt good but its just kind of out of control-y and i dont get the appeal. im barely attached to my body Quote Link to post Share on other sites
justtryingtodeletethis Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 i had a weird first 20 years cause i also dont know what to do when theyre nice or compliment me because my parents never were nice and its confusing and overwhelming. idk maybe in like just. broken or smthn ???? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I'm sorry, I was abused as a kid too and have some level of PTSD; that could definitely be a factor. A therapist may be a good idea. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueSpruce Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 2 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: I'm sorry, I was abused as a kid too and have some level of PTSD; that could definitely be a factor. A therapist may be a good idea. I'm not an expert, but I agree with this. I had PTSD when I was younger, although I've mostly gotten past it now. The first time I kissed someone I freaked out and it felt horrible, but in hindsight I don't think it was entirely about the act of kissing. The guy I kissed had some similarities to someone who had physically abused me in the past, and I think that caused problems. I didn't kiss anyone again for a couple of years, but when I tried it again with someone else I felt a lot better about it, and I've actually enjoyed it sometimes. Of course everyone's situation is different, but talking to a therapist about it was helpful for me. It might be something to look into. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 A belated welcome to AVEN! I've never kissed someone romantically, so I'm probably not the best person to answer your question, but I think therapy for the problem might help. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Cake, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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