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What to do 4 dates in?


theTapshoed1

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theTapshoed1

Questioning asexual here, female, mid-twenties. I've now had 4 dates with someone I developed a non-sexual, romantic crush on. On the 3rd date we cuddled, it was nice! On the 4th date we made out. It was my first kiss of any type ever and it was weird. Not bad, not good. I didn't feel any different during the kissing and was overthinking as usual. I don't regret doing it; but my own lack of a reaction unsettled me. After they left I felt the need to wash my mouth off and eliminate the person's scent from the house so I wouldn't ruminate too much afterwards.

This person is very nice, dropped hints about being shy of approaching me, and seems willing to take it slow. However they also seem very "into" me and were clearly ready for slightly more sexual forms of touching than I was. My crush has cooled somewhat, but I'm willing to continue enjoying each other's company to see if it goes anywhere. I don't want to hurt their feelings or give the impression I'm "leading them on". I'm more confident/articulate in writing so I'm considering sending a text or writing a letter saying something to the tune of:

Can I be up front with you? I'm uninterested in a sexual relationship at this point in my life. If sex is something you want or need to feel closer, I won't be hurt or offended if you want to end things or just be friends. If you don't mind continuing to explore minds, personalities, and snuggles, I'm good with that. Right now, sex is not something I want in a relationship and I don't know how long I need to feel otherwise.

Since I'm inexperienced in dating, I'm worried a serious declaration like this early in a budding relationship will freak them out. I just want to avoid a long term mismatch situation that ends in an ugly breakup and emotional pain for both of us. 

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That's probably the best approach imo. Well worded and pretty fair way to explain what you are and aren't ok with. I would prefer to do it face to face rather than text/letter but that's just me. 

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next step in traditional relationship process is knock-out boxing match. very important to determine compatibility.

 

or, confer and compare comfort levels with this dude you care about. create a dual authorship or your own manual. live long and prosper.

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theTapshoed1
7 minutes ago, mkrom said:

That's probably the best approach imo. Well worded and pretty fair way to explain what you are and aren't ok with. I would prefer to do it face to face rather than text/letter but that's just me. 

I know it would be way better face-to-face, but it's also way easier for me to get tongue-tied and/or chicken out that way. I can try to build up my confidence though.

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31 minutes ago, theTapshoed1 said:

I know it would be way better face-to-face, but it's also way easier for me to get tongue-tied and/or chicken out that way. I can try to build up my confidence though.

Nah, I think writing is fine. I actually got a very similar email once from a girl I had a few dates with. I was like... that's cool, stoked to have a new friend, and that was that. I really think it'll be ok. 

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AspieAlly613

Does xe know you're ace?  If not, it could be mistaken for "I'm looking for sex with other people, I'm just looking for someone sexier than you."

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Split the difference and present the hand-written letter in person, giving the other plenty of time to read.  Include specific examples of what made you enjoy their company and perhaps some suggestions how you two can take your next steps.  It's confusing/frustrating to hear what you cannot do and not given options of what is possible. 

 

Then you can do Q&A after, for clarity. 

 

You have clearly thought a great deal about this situation well ahead of events.  /salute.

 

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theTapshoed1
1 hour ago, Auld_Mulk said:

Split the difference and present the hand-written letter in person, giving the other plenty of time to read.  Include specific examples of what made you enjoy their company and perhaps some suggestions how you two can take your next steps.  It's confusing/frustrating to hear what you cannot do and not given options of what is possible. 

 

Then you can do Q&A after, for clarity. 

 

You have clearly thought a great deal about this situation well ahead of events.  /salute.

 

Thanks for the suggestions! I'm trying to handle this as maturely as possible. I am an adult with a squishy heart.

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theTapshoed1
2 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Does xe know you're ace?  If not, it could be mistaken for "I'm looking for sex with other people, I'm just looking for someone sexier than you."

Nobody does honestly. I still need to come to terms with a few hangups before I'm ready to embrace labeling myself as such (hence questioning). After some deep research I have a strong belief I'm on the asexual side of the spectrum. The feelings of understanding and relief reading certain things reminded me of finding out what being introverted meant.

I will try to phrase my explanation so it's more obvious I have no sexual inclinations directed elsewhere (since I have none at all).

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nineGardens
1 hour ago, theTapshoed1 said:

 

I will try to phrase my explanation so it's more obvious I have no sexual inclinations directed elsewhere (since I have none at all).

Link them to this forum thread!

:P

 

.... okay, that is mostly a silly suggestion, but it could work.

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