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Sex Repulsed and Need Help


IronWoman359

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IronWoman359

Hey everyone. I'm new to Aven, and I've come here because, to be honest, I'm at my wit's end. 

 

So, I'm asexual, and very sex repulsed. But I'm heteromantic (and a cis woman), and on this past Saturday, I got married to my boyfriend of three years. He knows I am asexual, and knows that I'm sex repulsed, but he himself is a very sexual person. I wanted to try and find some way for us to meet in the middle and satisfy both those needs, but I haven't been able to come up with anything that doesn't turn me into an anxious wreck. He knows that I'm the one who has to set the pace for this area of our relationship and he respects that, but even though we've only been married a few days, I can tell that my slow pace is frustrating to him. He is hoping that I'll be ready to try something sexual soon, before our honeymoon is even over, and I'm still uncomfortable with being completely naked around him outside of just quickly changing clothes. I still don't really want him him touching my breasts, much less anything more intimate than that. Now, I really enjoy cuddling, and some sensual touches (unfortunately, I am incredibly ticklish on top of everything else, so even things that I'm okay with conceptually I can't handle physically because it just tickles me too much and riles me up, when I'd rather be relaxing while cuddling), but I have yet to come up with a single conventional sexual act that doesn't make me want to crawl out of my own skin and run away into a cave. 

 

Now, I know the typical "fixes" that come up when an ace and an allo person enter a romantic relationship. "You could have sex cuz it makes him happy, not because you want it; you could have an open relationship; he can just masturbate." Neither of us are comfortable with the idea of an open or polyamorous relationship (I know it works for some couples and that's great, but it won't work for us), and I am still so incredibly uncomfortable with participating in sex, be it penetrative, oral, whatever. We have talked about this, and in terms of what he's said his sexual needs are, it's not only the physical aspect of it, but the emotional connection of sharing with each other, completely knowing the other person, etc. For him, giving and receiving love in a sexual way is important. And partly due to this, and partly due to other reasons personal to him, simply masturbating does not fully "scratch the itch" as it were. He doesn't want to have sex or sexual thoughts/fantasies with/about anyone unless it's me...and I don't want to be involved in sex at all. We do not want to just "call it quits" and divorce, we want to stay in this relationship for life and don't want sex to be something that tears it down for us, but I have to admit, it's really scary right now as there aren't any solutions in sight. He has said more than once that he is committed to making this work, and that he knows our sex life may (read: will, because I'm coming to the disheartening conclusion that I can't reconcile a conventional sex life with my orientation) be unconventional in nature. 

 

So that's what has led me here...I'm looking for actual solutions that are not simply "break up," "have an open relationship," or "masturbate to porn" that can help us have a sex life that will satisfy the both of us. Does anybody have any suggestions? Particularly if there are any other sex repulsed peeps out there who have come up with a solution in your relationships, or maybe some strategies that my sex neutral and sex positive siblings may have for a sex life that could work for us? I'm really in desperate need of some help here. Thanks, everyone ❤️

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45 minutes ago, IronWoman359 said:

So that's what has led me here...I'm looking for actual solutions that are not simply "break up," "have an open relationship," or "masturbate to porn" that can help us have a sex life that will satisfy the both of us. Does anybody have any suggestions? Particularly if there are any other sex repulsed peeps out there who have come up with a solution in your relationships, or maybe some strategies that my sex neutral and sex positive siblings may have for a sex life that could work for us? I'm really in desperate need of some help here. Thanks, everyone ❤️

I don't think there are any. If you are serious about excluding the three by far most realistic possibilities, then my advice is to just grit your teeth and prepare to suffer for a few years/decades. 

 

Honestly - I think you made a huge mistake by getting married, whether you're ready to see it that way or not.

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RoseGoesToYale

I really don't know what to tell you... this is really an untenable situation. There's a major disparity between both of you on a fundamental relationship need... he values sex and needs a lot of it, you don't need sex at all and would strongly prefer never to have it. Consider a marriage between a devout practicing Catholic and an atheist, or a socialist and a conservative, or an adrenaline junkie and a homebody. Conceivably these marriages could survive on love, but in reality the fundamental differences in needs, wants, and lifestyles are just too great, and when either partner has to sacrifice such a big part of who they are, is the relationship really founded on honesty and intimacy?

 

Both of you need to be honest with each other, and with yourselves, about what each of you needs for a fulfilling relationship. If he's holding out that one day you'll be able to participate in sex, it sounds like he doesn't fully understand what sex repulsed means. If there is absolutely no ground you could compromise on, you need to tell him this.

 

You could try going to a sex therapist (bear in mind most sex therapists are unaware of or even unsympathetic towards asexuality), but in the end if your body and mind don't want to do it, then they don't want to do it. Forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to would be unfair to both of you, as it would cause you grief and anxiety, and it would deprive him of the emotional closeness he needs.

 

It sounds like you both care for each other a lot, but be that as it may, you both may have to face the reality that this difference is too great for a marriage to survive.

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AceMissBehaving

That’s a tough one, couples or single therapy sessions might help, but it’s tricky to think of a middle

ground that’s workable for both.

 

I don’t know if this is any help at all but I used to be incredibly ticklish, and my husband used to torment me mercilessly with it. After a while in part  through desensitization over time, and by deliberately finding ways to use mind over matter to not react to torment him back, I became less ticklish. Maybe it could be possible to break the ticklishness as a starting point?

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I don't have any experience with this situation, but I watched this video a while back and I thought of it when I read your post:

 

It's not perfect, and Ash Hardel herself is not Asexual, but it has a lot of tips in there for intimacy without an actual sex act. I don't know if any of them will appeal to you as a sex-repulsed ace, but I hope it helps to check it out. I wish you the best with your marriage, and I think it's important to remember that whatever issues you have with the nitty-gritty dynamics, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive husband. That's amazing in and of itself. 

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IronWoman359
33 minutes ago, i'mjustme said:

I don't have any experience with this situation, but I watched this video a while back and I thought of it when I read your post:

 

It's not perfect, and Ash Hardel herself is not Asexual, but it has a lot of tips in there for intimacy without an actual sex act. I don't know if any of them will appeal to you as a sex-repulsed ace, but I hope it helps to check it out. I wish you the best with your marriage, and I think it's important to remember that whatever issues you have with the nitty-gritty dynamics, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive husband. That's amazing in and of itself. 

This is a really helpful video, thank you so much!

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@i'mjustme That video is adorable!

 

@IronWoman359 First of all, talk to each other - be very open and honest about what you want and what makes you uncomfortable, without putting pressure on the other person to provide that. Just use it to get a good sense of each other's boundaries and comfort zones. (There's a book that's popular right now, called The Five Love Languages, that might help you define what kind of gestures of love matter to each other. There's even an online quiz, which might be fun to go through together.)

 

One scenario that might be helpful is giving him a massage (fully clothed). Have him lay back and relax - and do nothing - while you explore with your hands. With you in charge of the action, it might put less pressure on you and give you a non-threatening environment for you to test your own boundaries - and being at your mercy could be a fun experience for him. (And keep communicating while you do this, so no one gets uncomfortable!)

Another thing to try is flirting (or more) via text or email. Digital fantasies give you a way to be intimate while keeping your physical boundaries safe. In general, try to find ways to spark your own curiosity to help counteract your fear and anxiety.

 

The last thing to keep in mind is that your sex-repulsion might be a hard stop for you, and the two of you might have to figure out how to approach your relationship if sex is entirely off the table. (And who knows, if you can problem solve this in advance, it might be less overwhelming if you know you don't have to have sex.)

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AspieAlly613

Sorry to hear that you're in such a difficult situation.

 

2 hours ago, IronWoman359 said:

in terms of what he's said his sexual needs are, it's not only the physical aspect of it, but the emotional connection of sharing with each other, completely knowing the other person, etc.

This is completely normal, though not ubiquitous.

2 hours ago, IronWoman359 said:

Does anybody have any suggestions? Particularly if there are any other sex repulsed peeps out there who have come up with a solution in your relationships, or maybe some strategies that my sex neutral and sex positive siblings may have for a sex life that could work for us? I'm really in desperate need of some help here.

I'm reminded of the solution that @anisotrophic and her ace husband worked out.  They each have their own bedrooms.  On nights when he's interested in sex, he'll join her in her room, and when she's interested in cuddling without sex, she'll join him.  It may not work for everyone, but it's the only constructive thing I can contribute.

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anisotrophic

No no that's not me that's @anamikanon.

 

I don't know what to say except it's unclear to me how this can possibly work, fwiw. My husband isn't sex repulsed. I wouldn't have married someone sex repulsed, I believe it's a good idea to have sex before marriage. (And believed that fifteen years ago, when we did that.) Marriage lasts a long long time.

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AspieAlly613
14 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

No no that's not me that's @anamikanon.

Thanks for the correction.

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IronWoman359

@wyrdwyrm Thank you, those are very helpful suggestions! Something else I don't think I quite made clear in my initial post is that we ARE planning on having sex and experimenting with sex...yes, even though I'm sex repulsed. He and I have been reading a lot of posts on this site together this evening (which has been really helpful for both of us, and a good way to get the communication going), and one thing he asked me to make clear here that what he experiences seems to be the opposite of what several other allos have been describing. He is not bothered by the fact that I do not sexually desire him, but he is bothered by not having any sex ever. What we are looking for is a way that we can satisfy his sexual needs in a way that will be less uncomfortable and/or enjoyable for me (I know that sounds contradictory, since I have said that I'm repulsed, but I know what I am and am not comfortable experimenting with). We have talked about what we both are okay with having off the table, we have talked about things that I am unenthusiastic about but willing to try. Sex is also nowhere NEAR the most important part of this relationship for him. We deeply love and care for each other and want to share our lives. We are just seeking advice for how to address our sexual differences in a way that satisfies the both of us. Thanks again for the suggestions!

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You're welcome, and I'm glad you've both been able to find some insight here!

 

Another thing to try, since you're still self-conscious about nudity, might be to go shopping for 'sexy outfits' for each other - be silly and make a game of it! :)  The more you practice, the easier it gets.

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anisotrophic

 

42 minutes ago, IronWoman359 said:

what he experiences seems to be the opposite of what several other allos have been describing. He is not bothered by the fact that I do not sexually desire him, but he is bothered by not having any sex ever.

 

42 minutes ago, IronWoman359 said:

Sex is also nowhere NEAR the most important part of this relationship for him. We deeply love and care for each other and want to share our lives. We are just seeking advice for how to address our sexual differences in a way that satisfies the both of us. Thanks again for the suggestions!

Eh. You're coming off as a bit sanctimonious, and maybe a bit defensive -- after all, you do seem to have made a very ill-advised commitment.

If you want advice from someone that's been married awhile: get therapists.

You can get one each. My partner and I benefited greatly from each having LGBTQIA+ therapists to navigate our different experiences and communications.

Three years... is not so long. What you don't realize is that it's pretty damn likely one or both of you will fancy others. Marriage is an endeavor that spans decades. A good marriage is great -- mine is one of those, I like to think. But it takes a realistic attitude, communication, this, that... lots of things.

Learning to solve problems together, that's a big one. Oh, there's an optimistic counterpoint: if you solve this together, that'd be a good sign.

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darkpoetess

Eek, I don't know what to tell you, honey. Even being demi is difficult for me when it comes to sexuals. Unless I'm head over heels in love I can promise you it won't work sexually with anyone, and the emotional/intellectual relationship has to reign even then. I wish I could tell you a good way to manage being asexual and married to a sexual. If you'd been married for many years and come to this realization it might be a little easier to deal with, but you just got married right? Would it be too personal to ask what made you decide to get married, other than that you love him? I guess what I'm asking is, did you both fully weigh out how this relationship will work?

 

I've been married once before and what I essentially did was marry my best friend. I was very young and didn't fully understand my sexuality. Sex became a real problem to a point where I just couldn't handle doing it anymore. Obviously you do understand your sexuality, but do you feel that you married for the right reasons? I'm no therapist, but I think you need to answer some heartfelt questions to yourself.

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  • 3 weeks later...
everywhere and nowhere

I realise that it's not an entirely "fresh" topic, but I still feel that you need more support.

On 6/27/2019 at 4:34 AM, IronWoman359 said:

Something else I don't think I quite made clear in my initial post is that we ARE planning on having sex and experimenting with sex...yes, even though I'm sex repulsed.

This bothers me a lot, really.

To be honest, I agree with @Mysticus Insanus that you have probably made a great mistake by getting married despite such serious incompatibility. Now you have to deal with it in some way. And really: forcing yourself to have sex is not the only solution. Yes, other solutions might be painful, might mean that the marriage will be impossible to save. But are you trully willing to torture yourself for the sake of keeping your marriage alive?

I'm a strongly sex-averse person myself. I don't identify as sex-repulsed because I have no such negative reactions to "sex as such", only when I'm potentially involved: I feel that I simply could never bring myself to have sex. This idea is so deeply frightening to me that I feel short of breath if I try to imagine being in a sexual situation. Exactly because of this, I feel these "bouts of empathy" whenever I see other sex-averse people forcing themselves or intending to force themselves to have sex. It just hurts me to see people torture themselves like this. I realise that it's probably easy to say for me when I'm not in a relationship, have never been in one and so it's purely theoretic for me. Nevertheless, I feel convinced that I couldn't bring myself to have sex even for someone I really loved.

Indeed, what about love? If your husband loves you, how can he put such pressure on you? I can understand that he doesn't want to have to do without sex all his life. I also understand that having sex with another person, a friend, for example, could not be a realistic solution for him. But still I am not giving him a moral right to expect you to do things which make you so uncomfortable. If he truly loves you, he should understand your repulsion and dread the thought of making you suffer! He should understand that by expecting you to have sex, he is causing you great potential harm!

I wouldn't like to deprive you of agency and I can see that it's not a simple combination in which he presses and you bend to this pressure. You seem to genuinely want him to be happy and, therefore, to be doing it out of your own will. But why should his needs be more important to you? A thought experiment: how would it look like if he was female and you were male? I mean - it's usually women who are expected to sacrifice, denied intimacy, denied the right to ownership of their bodies. But it's you body. Nobody else gets to decide what happens with it. Nobody has a right to use it without your permission and if you can't be comfortable with sex, than your partner should see it and be proactive in saying that he doesn't want you to suffer!

Try reconsidering this situation. By all means you can talk to him about it. But it's better to get rid of the toxic expectations that you somehow "owe" him sex. No, you don't, and if you feel that having sex is too much for your to bear, you have a right to never ever even try sex, regardless of your marital status. Respect yourself, respect who you are. You are not "broken" by being sex-repulsed and your need to have no sex is no less important than your husband's sexual needs.

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I... find this an impossible situation in the long run but I will try to offer advice based on what you want. But, just do be careful. Having sex you dont want is painful. Having sex that repulses you is dangerous.

 

First step would be to figure out what about sex repulses you. Is it nudity ? Wear lingerie instead. Is it penetration? Do non-penetrative stuff (manual stimulation for example). Is it him touching you? Try doing him only. Fetishes can help with the one sided thing if he is into that (like bondage, power play, etc)  and you arent too uncomfortable (sometimes role playing can make it more comfortable). For example if you were to dress in a corset and tell him to masturbate for you, it could make him feel satisfied doing it for you and save you needing to actually be involved in the ickier bits. 

 

But this really is a situation where you could easily hurt yourself very badly. So, if at any point comfort is not had please say stop and stop whatever you two are doing. 

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everywhere and nowhere
15 hours ago, Serran said:

Having sex that repulses you is dangerous.

That's it.

Really, I don't want to make it seem like I'm being nasty to another person behind his back. But I still remember what some non-asexual user wrote: that "other than not liking it, there's no danger to sex". Perhaps he meant something else: that if both people are healthy in this respect and faithful to each other, STDs are not an issue, that the risk of pregnancy in different-gender sex is really very avoidable, and other than that, "typical" sex isn't physically dangerous. Perhaps he meant just the physical risks. But still it sounds to me like a favourable overinterpretation, because it definitely seemed to dismiss the trauma potential of consensual-but-unwanted sex, to reduce aversion and trauma to very innocent-sounding "not liking it". And indeed, unwanted sex can be psychologically dangerous and also it's dangerous to dismiss this risk.

 

I also wanted to add one more thing, a comment to something the OP wrote.

On 6/27/2019 at 4:34 AM, IronWoman359 said:

one thing he asked me to make clear here that what he experiences seems to be the opposite of what several other allos have been describing. He is not bothered by the fact that I do not sexually desire him, but he is bothered by not having any sex ever.

I wouldn't like to dismiss his concern too. (However, to make it clear: my simple position is that having unwanted sex is worse than wanting to have sex and having no opportunity - which is why I believe that feelings of the partner who doesn't want sex should have priority.) But let's look at what he says in perspective. Indeed, for some ace-allo couples desire turns out to be a big problem: some aces are fine with "compromise sex" and yet it doesn't work, because the allosexual partner needs more than just sex, they need to feel desired by their partner. Some aces can "provide" sex, but they can't fake desire.

So, your partner doesn't feel like this. How should it be understood? That he would be fine with having sex with someone whom he knows to have zero desire for it??!! Really??? From what you have written, I can tentatively praise his patience, but this sounds just... wrong. Not to use a brutal word which starts with "R"...

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@IronWoman359

 

In my case we have things the other way around, I am a Demisexual man married to a Sexual woman. We have had many ups and downs in regards to attraction, lack of attraction etc, but things are going well for us now. We have needed a lot of therapy so that we could sort things out. Sheila's site below has been helpful. She can be very helpful in regards to several of the issues you have raised, some of which she has struggled with herself and she talks about it here at her site

 

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/category/marriage/divorce/

 

 

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everywhere and nowhere
33 minutes ago, Marlow1 said:

In my case we have things the other way around, I am a Demisexual man married to a Sexual woman. We have had many ups and downs in regards to attraction, lack of attraction etc, but things are going well for us now.

However, note that lack of attraction is not the same as being outright sex-repulsed. The latter is much more serious. As I wrote: I'm strongly sex-averse myself and this intensifies my empathy for other sex-averse/repulsed people who happen to be in relationships where they are in some way expected to have sex. I really want these people to avoid the potentially very harmful trauma of unwanted sex.

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5 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

However, note that lack of attraction is not the same as being outright sex-repulsed. The latter is much more serious. As I wrote: I'm strongly sex-averse myself and this intensifies my empathy for other sex-averse/repulsed people who happen to be in relationships where they are in some way expected to have sex. I really want these people to avoid the potentially very harmful trauma of unwanted sex.

Yes, I totally agree. My difficulties were caused by a brain hemorrhage which is very different from being sex repulsed. All I can tell you is this, neither my wife or myself had the insight to sort out our troubles and had we not looked for help we would still be in the mess we were in. We did have a few batty therapists at the start but we continued to search until we found somebody that understood the Asexual Spectrum and other things that are unique to our situation.

 

Me being a man, I don't think I could really advise a woman that is going through the things you folk are talking about but Sheila is a woman and she does talk about having many similar difficulties, for many years, when she first got married.

 

Even if Sheila is of no use to anybody here there are other people that post at her site that might also have useful advice, who can give details of the therapy they use and so on. I can't really contribute much myself, but I do hope folk realise there is help out there.

 

In my case our therapist never once forced me or my wife into anything. They simply helped me 'remember' my relationship with my wife, then helped the two of us build up the romance, then the intimacy, the sex came much later, much much later, a long time after the hemhorrage, and by the time it came I was OK with it.

 

Because of my brain injury I can still loose attraction, plus other difficulties can arise for both my wife and I so we continue with therapy. Relationship Therapy is not about getting folk to do things they don't want to do, it is more about helping folk find ways to sort out the things they do want to do and can do, or at least it should be.

 

If anybody is in therapy and they feel like the therapist is forcing them into anything that they don't want to do they need to find a new therapist. Even having no therapist would be better than that!!!! But like I have mentioned without the knowledge of what help is available my wife and I would not have been able to sort things out on our own. It took a long time and a lot of hard work and this has even been with a good therapist.

 

I really would hate to see anybody get harmed from therapy, folk must only do what they feel comfortable with, and if they feel they are being forced into anything, they need to get away immediately. I have heard of folk being harmed but I have never personally met anybody that has said that they have been harmed, all of the folk I know that are in therapy say it is working for them, but like I have said we had a few silly therapists until we found a good one. 

 

Hope this gives some clarity. I did not say much in the first place because I new my circumstances were different and I don't think I could really help anybody with the kinds of things discussed here, they are far too complexed

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On 6/27/2019 at 7:41 AM, anisotrophic said:

No no that's not me that's @anamikanon.

Yeah, we sleep in separate rooms by default, though we go through "seasons" where one or the other is more willing to compromise and we end up sleeping together with/out sex depending on compromising partner.

 

I don't think that sort of a thing can help this couple. My ace isn't sex averse. And even then, I have mostly transitioned to not wanting it at all with him. We are less couple and more family.

 

Personally, I think this couple has made a horrendous mistake and it will take a while for stubborn hope that each will eventually get their way to die out. An unnecessary and bitter waste of time, that is looking inevitable. The sheer idea of a new husband waiting for a sex averse wife be willing to initiate sex before honeymoon ends.... is like watching a road accident.

 

I have no helpful tips beyond find a way to transition the relationship to platonic and find other partners that suit your sexuality or lack of it better. Regardless of whether you stay married or not. If neither of you are into polyamory, you can be monogamous with OTHER people. The sex isn't headed anywhere good in this relationship anyway.

 

May sound brutal, but what the two did is actually brutal.

 

And call me biased, but there really was no excuse for a sex repulsed person to get into marriage with the sexual being given any kind of expectation of sex whatsoever. Sexuals may not understand how little asexuals want sex, but there really was no excuse for OP to enter a marriage with someone expecting sex knowing full well she never wanted it.

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