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oof001

Scheduled Sex? (Paired with Scheduled Date)

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oof001
Posted (edited)

Hi everyone, I'm a new member here and I wanted to ask about how scheduled sex benefits allosexual/ace relationships?

 

My girlfriend (who's heteroromantic and possibly ace, gray ace, or demi) says she REALLY does not want to do scheduled sex because that pressures her to perform, and feels nervous about not being able to get herself in the mood by the time when we do have sex. She also doesn't want to feel bad when she knows she has to reject me when the time for our scheduled sex happens. 

 

I've suggested a few things to help give less pressure and to get in the mood:

  • Going on a date beforehand
  • If she says she doesn't want to, when the time comes, then I'm absolutely fine with not having sex. 
  • We can do other activities that doesn't require penetration.

 

I understand her side, and she feels very strongly against scheduled sex, so I've decided to not persist the idea. I do feel hurt, and want to get a better understanding about my own feelings. I know that scheduling can help me stop worrying about "the next time" we will have sex, and will help me decide when and the amount of flirting I should do. Besides from those things, how does scheduled sex help me as the more sexual one in the relationship?  

 

Also, I read that I should greet with a cake, so I hope you enjoy a cute doggo + cake: 

Image result for cake doggy

 

 

 

Edited by ah1

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Grimalkin

...Yeah, the point of scheduled sex is not to "have to reject someone when the time for their scheduled sex happens." That's why it's scheduled. So there's no rejection. Because there's rejection most of the rest of the time in the relationship. 

 

Scheduled sex is supposed to take the pressure off of the asexual person because it means we don't have to worry about "being pressured" the rest of the time. If it's not scheduled sex time, the allosexual person does not try to initiate. Scheduled sex time, bam, sex. 

 

That's not to say you can't call it off if you're not feeling good, etc. But by definition asexual people aren't ever "in the mood" for sex to happen. So we schedule it, because otherwise we'll put it off. Putting off the schedule is exactly what you're not supposed to do. 

 

Scheduling is not for everyone, and that's fine. But I feel like if an asexual person is trying to make the sexual element in a relationship work, and they really don't want to schedule, then they had better be finding another way to do things that isn't waiting six months between each session in the hopes that they magically get in the mood. 

 

All that said, it sounds like she just doesn't want to have sex at all. Full stop. And that's fine, she shouldn't be forced to have sex. But if she really doesn't want to schedule (and follow through with that schedule), then it sounds like what you have now is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. So you have to ask yourself... would you be okay with this amount of sex for the rest of your life?

 

I'm sorry if I'm a little grumpy-sounding today. I just lost eight Overwatch games in a row. You know how it is. 

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anisotrophic

hi @ah1!

my recommendation is to get really deliberate about trying different approaches. you can see my recent "experimentation" thread as an example.

What I mean is: try something, and keep track of how well it's working. Then try another thing. I recommend keeping some sort of log, or using a mood tracking app, since memory can be faulty when you try to reflect.

The point is to figure out what works for you (both, as a couple). Trying to just guess the right answer, or ask others -- it's hard.

For example, I used to think I needed to ask & score, or schedule, earn sex, etc. But I've found I'm a lot happier assuming I'll never have sex, never asking or hoping or worrying about it, but still being very loving in physical and verbal and other ways. Apparently when I do this, eventually my partner does offer. (Like every 2 or 3 weeks.)

That's just us, I don't know what works for you. My point is: I discovered I had to test different approaches, I wasn't good at predicting what was going to work best.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

I'm sorry if I'm a little grumpy-sounding today. I just lost eight Overwatch games in a row. You know how it is. 

my partner totally does this! I say "stop playing" but does he listen, nooooo. :D 

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Philip027
Quote

my partner totally does this! I say "stop playing" but does he listen, nooooo.

Well yeah, that's no solution.  You can't eventually win if you stop playing >_>

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AceMissBehaving

I’ll be honest scheduling is hard for me because it’s a lot of pressure. It triggers my anxiety and takes me further away from the goal of being open to

sex.  

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oof001
Posted (edited)

Just to add some context: 

 

My gf does want to and enjoys sex, though would prefer to have it when she's being thinking about it for a period of time such as when she's writing or reading fan-fiction, or when I send consistent flirty texts. Though, I should have added more context and say that my gf and I are about to become long distance, and so if we were to have scheduled sex, it would most likely be when I visit on rare occasions. She told me that would make her feel nervous to perform and doesn't want to disappoint me if we were to set up a time, and then she doesn't want to have sex anymore because she's too tired or another reason. She does partake in non-intercourse activities when I ask her to, and she wants to because she'll know it'll make me happy.  Though I try not to very often because I know she's often tired when that happens, and may sometimes be uncomfortable. 

 

I do fear that the amount of sex I'm having at the moment won't make me happy. Of course there are other factors that makes me very content in my relationship as we share many values, future goals, and chemistry. My biggest concern is how do I determine if the amount of sex I'm having will make me happy in my relationship? Is it possible to be happy with her, even though it means less sex with her? If so, how can I make that possible?

 

Background: 

I've been with my girlfriend for half a year now.  We have talked a lot about how we can manage our sex life because she's aware of her low libido and my high sex drive. However, even though my girlfriend offers to partake once every 1-2 weeks (no intercourse/ just bj or hj), and intercourse (Either we both finish or I make sure she finishes) (every 2-3 weeks), and masturbating when I feel urges coming up (typically 1-2 times per day), I still don't feel happy about our sex life. I've been trying my best to be understanding about her sexuality, and have been reading a lot about asexuality and forums on AVEN, but I can't help shake off the feeling that I'm still unhappy. This makes me question if I'm not happy because I'm not having enough sex. Which makes me feel like a shitty person, because I feel like I'm being selfish and asking for too much from her. I feel so uncomfortable asking for sex or asking her to partake in activities when I know sometimes she's too tired or doesn't want to at the moment. What makes things more conflicting is that she has told me that she doesn't mind that I ask her to have sex or other activities, as long as I'm ok with her saying "no" many times. But, sometimes that makes me exhausted and I don't know how I feel about asking and being rejected over and over again. Granted, we've also agreed that to take some pressure off of me, she'll initiate sex too when she wants to. Although I'm glad she's agreed to that, it's not frequent enough for me to be happy about our sex life. 

 

I fear that I've left out a lot of details, but please do ask me any questions/concerns, feedback, or if I can clarify something. Thank you so much

 

Edited by ah1

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AceMissBehaving

Admittedly this is coming from an ace person, but is the frequency problem possibly in part a kind of fomo thing where there is some amount of anxiety based around former exceptions of the amount of sex you think you should be having, or that others are having?

 

Have you tried dialing back on things in between actual intercourse? I can only speak for myself but I know that those things can be exhausting, and leave me feeling like I’ve given as much as I can if they are rather frequent, and therefore with less energy to have actual sex. 

 

Something else on the ace side, beyond not having as much sex as you would like, are there things you can do that is intimate to her, and makes her feel closer to you?

 

One of the struggles I’ve had with past partners is that I give them the sex they wanted, and they would finish feeling closer to me, but because they weren’t doing anything that gave me that feeling of intimacy in return I found myself growing more and more distant from them, and with a lot less energy to put into their needs. I don’t know if that’s something you two have discussed at all. 

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uhtred

IMHO, when there is a large gap in sexual interest in a relationship, nothing will really work. 

 

Scheduled sex can work if the low desire / asexual person is willing and able to keep it up, but if not it just turns into a guarantee of no sex at other times and still the stress / uncertainty / frustration of not knowing if sex will happen at the scheduled times. 

 

My wife has tried to schedule sex - but since at least half the "Scheduled" times something comes up to prevent it, it really means that she has has freed herself from any pressure at any other time.  (not to blame her - I don't want her to feel "pressure" for sex )

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oof001
Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

hi @ah1!

my recommendation is to get really deliberate about trying different approaches. you can see my recent "experimentation" thread as an example.

What I mean is: try something, and keep track of how well it's working. Then try another thing. I recommend keeping some sort of log, or using a mood tracking app, since memory can be faulty when you try to reflect.

The point is to figure out what works for you (both, as a couple). Trying to just guess the right answer, or ask others -- it's hard.

For example, I used to think I needed to ask & score, or schedule, earn sex, etc. But I've found I'm a lot happier assuming I'll never have sex, never asking or hoping or worrying about it, but still being very loving in physical and verbal and other ways. Apparently when I do this, eventually my partner does offer. (Like every 2 or 3 weeks.)

That's just us, I don't know what works for you. My point is: I discovered I had to test different approaches, I wasn't good at predicting what was going to work best.

 

@anisotrophic Keeping track of what works and what doesn't is an excellent idea! I have noticed when I stop trying to ask and just focus on physical and verbal communication then she does feel comfortable with offering.

 

Would you say that you never expecting, worrying, and asking for sex + your partner offering every 2-3 weeks is enough to make you content ?

 

How does never expecting, worrying, and asking for sex affect your desire for sex in general?

 

Sometimes I worry that if I stop expecting and hoping for sex, then I will eventually will stop wanting to have it with my partner and start thinking about other women.

Edited by ah1

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oof001
Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Admittedly this is coming from an ace person, but is the frequency problem possibly in part a kind of fomo thing where there is some amount of anxiety based around former exceptions of the amount of sex you think you should be having, or that others are having?

 

Have you tried dialing back on things in between actual intercourse? I can only speak for myself but I know that those things can be exhausting, and leave me feeling like I’ve given as much as I can if they are rather frequent, and therefore with less energy to have actual sex. 

@AceMissBehaving Hm, I do try to stay aware of expectations I have about the amount of sex I should be having. I did realize a while ago, that it will definitely be less than how much I would want to have sex. 

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by things in-between intercourse? 

Edited by ah1

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AceMissBehaving
9 minutes ago, ah1 said:

@AceMissBehaving Hm, I do try to stay aware of expectations I have about the amount of sex I should be having. I did realize a while ago, that it will definitely be less than how much I would want to have sex. 

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by things in-between intercourse? 

By “stay aware” is it something you focus on a lot consciously? Frustration is often caused by unmet expectations. Sometimes a fix is to adjust reality to meet said expectations where possible, sometimes it’s to adjust expectations to meet reality. Not just in sex, but everything. I bring it up because I can’t tell from the wording of the expectation you want met by sex frequency is from an idea in your head of how you feel it should be, or something more subconscious (I can’t think of a good word here because I’m trying to describe the thing I don’t have).

 

When you say “how much sex I should be having” what would you be basing that off of?

 

In between intercourse I’m talking about things like the HJ, BJ etc. It sounds odd but at least for me I find those things are on the same level energy wise as full on intercourse itself. So if there are frequent almost token gestures for want of a better word, that could be depleting the energy levels for the main goal.

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oof001
Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

By “stay aware” is it something you focus on a lot consciously? Frustration is often caused by unmet expectations. Sometimes a fix is to adjust reality to meet said expectations where possible, sometimes it’s to adjust expectations to meet reality. Not just in sex, but everything. I bring it up because I can’t tell from the wording of the expectation you want met by sex frequency is from an idea in your head of how you feel it should be, or something more subconscious (I can’t think of a good word here because I’m trying to describe the thing I don’t have).

 

When you say “how much sex I should be having” what would you be basing that off of?

@AceMissBehaving I'm glad you mentioned about expectations vs. subconscious. To be honest, that's what i'm still trying to figure out. I've let go a lot of expectations from societal views and my own views of how frequent I want sex to be, but I still don't feel as happy as I could be. I'm wondering if it's because if I still have more expectations that I'm unaware of or it's a physiological/psychological need for sex. 

 

"How much sex I should be having" is describing how much I feel would make me happy, which is typically once or twice a week (but that's more than how much she'd like to).  

 

I have tried dialing down In-between intercourse, because I've notice sometimes it can be deplete my gf's energy. Not as much as actual sex for her, but still a decent amount of energy. 

Edited by ah1

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AceMissBehaving
15 minutes ago, ah1 said:

@AceMissBehaving I'm glad you mentioned about expectations vs. subconscious. To be honest, that's what i'm still trying to figure out. I've let go a lot of expectations from societal views and my own views of how frequent I want sex to be, but I still don't feel as happy as I could be. I'm wondering if it's because if I still have more expectations that I'm unaware of or it's a physiological/psychological need for sex. 

 

"How much sex I should be having" is describing how much I feel would make me happy, which is typically once or twice a week (but that's more than how much she'd like to).  

 

I have tried dialing down In-between intercourse, because I've notice sometimes it can be deplete my gf's energy. Not as much as actual sex for her, but still a decent amount of energy. 

It might be worth exploring. I’m not saying that frequency isn’t it, but maybe it could be worth trying to dig in deep and dissect as much as you can about what your expectations for sex are, where they come from, and what out of those is and is not being met. 

 

It’s possible that there could be a quality over quantity balance that could be struck for example.

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oof001
6 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

It might be worth exploring. I’m not saying that frequency isn’t it, but maybe it could be worth trying to dig in deep and dissect as much as you can about what your expectations for sex are, where they come from, and what out of those is and is not being met. 

 

It’s possible that there could be a quality over quantity balance that could be struck for example.

@AceMissBehaving, Thanks so much! I do feel there's a lot of expectations that I haven't gotten to know of. It'll probably be helpful for myself to make a list of these expectations. 

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anisotrophic
9 hours ago, ah1 said:

Would you say that you never expecting, worrying, and asking for sex + your partner offering every 2-3 weeks is enough to make you content ?

 

How does never expecting, worrying, and asking for sex affect your desire for sex in general?

 

Sometimes I worry that if I stop expecting and hoping for sex, then I will eventually will stop wanting to have it with my partner and start thinking about other women.

Some stuff that helps me out...

1. Yes I am attracted to others, but I think that's not unusual after being married a long time. I'd compare it to being "vulnerable" to being attracted to others as a "happy single". And... it's natural to not want sex with someone that doesn't want it with you. My attraction to my partner isn't as high as it would be if he wanted me, but that's OK.

2. in theory I have permission to have sex with others, but it doesn't happen, and I don't feel much desire to make it happen. But, knowing it's allowed makes me feel calm & okay with not having sex. I'm very serious about "zero pressure" here. If we do stop having sex, that's OK. If I care enough about it, I'm allowed to look elsewhere -- but as it stands, I'm not motivated enough to bother.
 

3. I like focusing my attention on love and romantic aspects. It makes me feel wanted. It's important to feel wanted by your partner!

4. I sometimes masturbate but generally try to do things that won't raise my libido or get me thinking about sex. Like: think about other things, try to be calm and not anxious about sex, don't deliberately provoke sexual thoughts with porn.

I'm sure if I had a partner that desired it, I'd enjoy having sex a lot more often. But one can't have everything in life. I think I found that more rarely ... it feels like a precious thing, those times... and that makes me happier than being anxious and demanding about it. :) (I guess like @AceMissBehaving says, it's quality over quantity.)

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MrDane

My ace-wife doesnt really get the flirtation or subtle hints and have often felt “surprised” or a bit overwhelmed, when I somehow asked for sex.  The not very sexy/hot scheduling works better for us. She can always decline and I always ask first, but is more like: can I scoop over and get some ? And doyou think, you will be okay with me touching you?”

 

what lacks? Impulse, adventure, mutual desire.

what are the benefits? We have intimacy and sex and some stress are removed!

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