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1 hour ago, questioning_trans_man said:

Are there any asexuals on this forum who are very sexual people privately, with many fantasies, but experience no desire to sleep with anyone?

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really am looking for reassurance here. I'm trying to figure out whether asexuality is the right fit for me. Thank you ❤️

I struggled a lot with this too when I first found AVEN. I stumbled across the below thread and everything made sense; I now identify as a hypersensual asexual. It might not be exactly your experience but it might be reassuring to read about other asexuals who experience non-sexual forms of attraction very intensely.

 

 

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greendragon
1 hour ago, questioning_trans_man said:

Are there any asexuals on this forum who are very sexual people privately, with many fantasies, but experience no desire to sleep with anyone?

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really am looking for reassurance here. I'm trying to figure out whether asexuality is the right fit for me. Thank you ❤️

 

Absolutely! Although I can't relate to the being trans personally, I've always & continue to struggle with this very obvious contradtiction. I think about & often fantasize about having sex with other people, but when it comes to actually following through with it, the desire quickly disappears! 

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Twisted Tempest

To be honest, most of my experiences growing up was being asked who I thought was attractive and then when I would reply 'no body' and it would be either one of two responses: 

 

"Are you gay?" 

"Because you know no body would like you back." 

 

And that about sums up every encounter I had on that front. 

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Winged Whisperer
2 hours ago, questioning_trans_man said:

Is this okay?

Of course it's okay!

 

2 hours ago, questioning_trans_man said:

Is this normal among asexual people?

Normal as in usual, probably not, but I sure did and do describe people as hot and sexy.

 

2 hours ago, questioning_trans_man said:

 

Are there any asexuals on this forum who are very sexual people privately, with many fantasies, but experience no desire to sleep with anyone?

Yeah I have a relatively high libido when I'm not depressed, am kinky and watch porn too, and yet sex with others isn't really on my mind.

 

Edited by Winged Whisperer
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jeez..... i feel like your post speaks to me in so many ways so ill first start off with thanks for making this. in a way it makes me feel less alone. but anyways.

in my situation i'm still trying to figure out who or what to identify as. from what i gathered and what someone told me i could be panromantic as i do desire romance. that can go from hand holding to cuddling to maybe kissing (that last part i'm not sure yet) but when sex came up or i was put into a situation where sex was gonna happen to me i too felt shaky, i feel like my heart is racing and i just want to run away. in my youth i never once cared or desired sex i didn't even know what it was until school taught me and even then other people hyped it up and i'm like umm ok? yeah!? but i can see people being aesthetically pleasing as i sometimes call it but i too have no desire to want to have sex with them only to admire there beauty like a fine painting. i do form crushes on people but only once i get to know them for who they are a face maybe pretty but if there heart is ugly suddenly there inside oozes outside

i also can watch porn, i too masturbate and i can create scenarios in which some sexy stuff can happen but for me i have to create a romantic interaction first in my mind i guess what some would call foreplay. the kissing and the embrace of two lovers enjoying themselves with passion not lust. sadly when it comes to the real thing i just want the romantic touching and gestures but once it goes from holding each other to sexy sex time im like nope! im out find a different actor im done.

in the small time i've been here i definitely see many who don't have this libido or when there coming out they speak of there childhood as never liking anyone but when posted it was nice to see a few asexuals pop up and relate a little and so that was nice and really the community here has been nice but at times i did feel alone in my situation but i'm glad there's a least one person who has somewhat more of a similar experience as i and that helps a lot so again thank you for this

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letusdeleteouraccounts

I relate to a lot of what you’ve said myself even though I’m not trans. Slight TMI

Spoiler

My experience started in the 6th grade where everybody was starting to date and stuff. I never really thought much into attraction because I didn’t experience it romantically nor sexually. My mind was always just “dating wouldn’t be bad” but I removed myself from entering the dating scene entirely because I realized that I was pretty much the only one who didn’t want sex. I knew that if I were to date, my partner would be expecting like some butt grabbing and kissing etc. which I wasn’t down for. Even then though, I considered myself a weird straight guy who just didn’t want sex. That was mostly due to the homophobia I had, the romantic feelings I had for one girl back in like 1st grade, and the intense physical attraction I had for this one girl who was super pretty. 7th grade was around the time when I developed a certain clothing fetish that was only arousing when it came to guys but I never thought into it relating to the homophobia I had funny enough. That’s what got me into a bad habit of masturbation and creating fantasies surrounding the fetish along with consuming a lot of YouTube content to exploit it. None of this involved sex though. Fast forward to 9th grade, my friend questions me about my lack of desire to have sex and he jokingly asks if I was asexual. I said no because I thought he was talking about the science term but it didn’t make sense to me that he would ask a question like that so I looked it up after a few months. That’s when I started identifying as asexual. Later in the school year I discovered romantic attraction. I decided I was greyromantic and then grey-heteromantic because of the love interest I had a decade back. It wasn’t until recently that I started identifying as aromantic instead because I’ve found that the grey label didn’t work for me considering I don’t have desires for a romantic relationship and I probably won’t ever again. 11th grade (last school year) was when I realized that my fetish has been controlling my life and I’ve been hypocritical with the homophobia I had (although I stopped being homophobic when 10th grade ended and after coming out publicly). I’ve gotten to a point where the fetish is barely there and I stopped masturbating the way I was doing it but then pulled myself into another hole. This was finding another way to masturbate, new fantasies involving other guys in sexual situations with each other, and consuming porn for hours maybe like twice a week. It gets me mentally aroused but weird enough rarely gets me physically aroused. Anyways, I hate it but it’s addicting. I still identify as aro ace despite all of this because I have no desire to be in a sexual situation, to fantasize about myself being in sexual situations, and I don’t get romantic feelings for people either even though I really want to have a partnership with another aro ace. It could be from the fact that I’ve always wanted a guy in my life who would be super close to me. I remember wishing for a twin brother, even, when I was about 6. All in all, I can understand sexual and romantic attraction (to guys at least) but descriptions sexuals have made on these forums make me realize just how much I really don’t relate to their experience. I still think probably about half of guys I see are hella cute or hot if they’re fit with an attractive face at the same time and a few girls I can pretty cute but most of them be disguising themselves with a chunk full of make up and weave

 

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anisotrophic

It's very "ace" to be very much in love and... no interest in sex. Almost nobody sexual experiences love without sexual attraction.

 

But it seems that you haven't been in love, now that you're transitioned and settled into the right gender? And before that -- dysphoria can drown it all out...

 

So ... it's possible you might not be ace, if there's a potential "in love" state you haven't been in yet? you might need that to want sex (a lot of people are like that). Or maybe you're aromatic and that's not going to happen ever. The things are really hard to rule out with anything but time.

 

(Fun tangent, I think I was only attracted to bi/gay men and I guess it took me a decade or today to figure out why that was. Hindsight sure is interesting sometimes...)

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28 minutes ago, questioning_trans_man said:

But, in the position that I am, and feeling the way I do, I think asexuality is a good label for me. I don't want sex, I wouldn't enjoy it if I had it, being in a relationship where sex was an expectation would be uncomfortable, and I would happily remain celibate for the rest of my life.

That does sound like asexuality.

 

And just as every sexual has had unique life experiences, so have asexuals.  We only share our orientations, and often that itself gets confusing!  

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anisotrophic

Agreed -- sorry I didn't catch that @questioning_trans_man but yeah -- one thing I've noticed (via observation, not personally -- I'm sexual) is that strong romantic feeling in the absence of sexual attraction is a fairly unique to asexual folks.

 

As someone looking forward to physical transition soon, I've also learned that lots of transfolk do overlap with asexuality, it is indeed hard to know where it rests in relation to dysphoria.

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you all are so awesome and i truly feel more alive then i've ever been. for years i've struggled with my identity and this whole not wanting sex thing just kept me sad cause society expects me to be one thing or to enjoy one thing but i never wanted it nor enjoy it so i always felt broken and alone being surrounded by sexual people who can enjoy and desire sex and i was indifferent from it yet i wanted relationships but those people who wanted relationships also expect sex involved and i didn't know what to do or even what to tell them. so they will leave me entirely making me wonder what is wrong with me? i'm so glad i met the friend that i did who is demisexual and referred me to this website cause ive learn a lot about not only asexuality but also myself and i feel now i can put a label on myself to identify with and that feeling just gives me the biggest euphoria and having all you wonderful people sharing somewhat similar experiences its just.... oui i can smile more. so i don't know thanks everyone for being such a great community and slowly taking off the burden i've had for so many years. 

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Twisted Tempest
10 hours ago, questioning_trans_man said:

Argh, what a rude response to your asexuality 😢Sorry you had to go through that, friend!

Thank you. I hated getting that one. Though I must apologise since it seems I misinterpreted what this thread was about. Sorry about that. 

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Your post spoke volumes for me! I understand your feelings. I am kind of young, so my experiences are limited, but I do experience things to a certain extent like you. 

 

I never had crushes on real people, except celebrity crushes which go away as quickly as they come. Though, the romantic factor still remains a little. That doesn't mean, I am not interested in dating. In fact, I love romance! Same can be said about my views towards sex, except I don't really wish to sleep with someone. 

 

I had seen many AVENites who are not really interested in sex, so I kind of felt I was the only one. I love talking dirty, but not too graphically. I mention many times how a person is really 'hot' or something, which makes people think I am straight or bisexual. 😁 I enjoy fantasizing too, though I don't really involve myself. I find sex a really interesting and funny topic (I don't know why it's SO fun for me) to talk about or just think about, though I have no wish to partake in it. It's like how one may like reading books, but they may not enjoy writing an actual book. Bad metaphor, but yeah. :P

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