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Questions and Curiosities


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Hey all!

 

I'm fairly new to questioning my sexuality. Growing up in a conservative, homeschool household in a small, equally conservative town didn't allow for much exploration. I've never been a social butterfly so I didn't have the peer pressures when it came to sex that it sounds like other people did. All I knew was that the few girl friends I had were crazy obsessed with getting boyfriends, dating, etc. and I...wasn't (still not interested). I couldn't fathom dating someone just to have a boyfriend (or marrying someone just to have the "status" of being married). My parents haven't pressured me to date or get married, but my mom would like grandkids one day (which is NOT going to happen. Kids = love 'em. Pregnancy = y i k e s).

 

Recently, it dawned on me: I turn 29 next month and I've never felt genuine sexual attraction for another human being before. Not once. 

The only sexual attraction I've felt (I think) was directed toward fictional characters. Not their celebrity counterparts, just the characters. But now I realize how fleeting even those attractions have been, probably as fictional as their intended targets. More like crushes.

 

I do my best to avoid or steer clear of any flirtation directed my way because it makes me REALLY uncomfortable (like crawl out of my skin uncomfortable). If I'm relaxed enough for banter (not a ball of social anxiety, yay) and I'm accused of flirting, it makes me frustrated and annoyed. Why does everything have to turn sexual so quickly when that was nowhere near my intention? Why can't we just have a light-hearted, witty conversation without getting weird about it?

 

I'm extremely sensitive to sex in media. In my early 20s, I explored sex in fiction more, mostly out of curiosity to find out why this topic was so taboo in my house growing up. I picked what I liked and didn't like. There was A LOT I didn't like. I can't say I'm completely sex-repulsed, since I don't mind sweet, gentle, emotionally-charged sex in media. 

 

But there is so much sexual content I can't stomach at all and it's EVERYWHERE. The power play of domination and humiliation is sickening, de-humanizing people (especially women), seeping into every innocent interaction like a toxic chemical spill. I've reached the point where consuming a majority of media is actually stressful because I don't want to come across some horrifying sex scene under the guise of development, shock value, or entertainment.

 

I've heard that if you're not sure about your sexuality, ask the question: What do you fantasize about?

The answer: Non-sexual physical intimacy, 24/7. Lots of hugs. Lots of cuddles. A partner who wants to be around you because of your personality, because you click on a level that doesn't require sex to be genuine and long-lasting. I adore romance, but I'm really take-it-or-leave-it about sex (mostly leaving it).

 

I asked an ace friend how she came to question and embrace her sexuality. She gave me some pointers and suggested I read up on it. I found myself here and I've had so many eureka moments, I signed up within an hour. I haven't decided yet where I fall on the spectrum, if I'm gray-ace, demi, or something else, but just the thought of being ace has already brought a huge amount of relief, comfort, and peace of mind.

 

People keep telling me that I'll change my mind when I meet "the right person", I just need to put myself out there more. I'm aware that I haven't been in a relationship before so if I do meet this mythical, magical, "Right Person" as rare as a unicorn who managed to achieve the Herculean task of changing my mind, I'm fine with that. I've always thought my sexuality was fluid anyway. But the idea that I may not desire sex at all, or only under very specific circumstances, and it's okay...it's a weight off my shoulders. 

So I am here. I've checked out every book on asexuality my library has. I'm really looking forward to reading more, educating myself. Even if it turns out that I'm not ace, I want to be an ally for you guys. Because you are fighting a tsunami in this sex-saturated world and I want to help make a safe, comfortable, accepting environment in any way I can.

 

Now for the good non-sex-oriented stuff:

I'm a writer, artist, and nature lover. I work as a children's librarian assistant and I L O V E my job. It's the best thing in the world to watch shy kids just blossom as they talk about the books they love so much.

I write YA fiction, paranormal, fantasy, and some horror. I've had a few short stories published and I'm hoping for that fabled book deal one day.

I love hiking, spending hours - all day if possible - outside in the trees. I went to Glacier National Park last year for the weekend and I'm pretty sure I found a small slice of heaven in those mountains.

And I'm very happy with the idea of being a "crazy cat lady" when I'm old and gray. Love my spoiled rotten kitties :)

 

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nineGardens

Welcoem to Aven RavenOak.

 

Normally with new arrivals we'll be providing reassurance and advice (which is totally legit), but by the sound of it you have this pretty damn sorted. Congratulations!

 

A somewhat more critical tradition is the providment of cake:

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The thread title says Questions and Curiousities... but I don't think I noticed any questions? If there are some, feel free to ask. There's a really good bunch of people around here, with various wisdom, and confusion, and sometimes both at the same time.

 

Also- writing is fun! I think there are a couple other writers around here somewhere? ... I should probably look into that or try to start a writing circle or something.

 

 

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I get the impression being asexual is more difficult for women than men. I think the reason is, despite suffragettes and women's liberation, females are still seen as baby makers. It takes two to tango, but men don't get pregnant. So I suppose there is much more pressure on females to be females, or at least what a lot of people think females ought to be. However, your'e no more a womb on two legs than I am a pair of testicles with feet. We are more than that. The problem is the media of course. It tells us everybody ought to like sex. Our past is similar in the sense it was somewhat insulated. I insulated myself further by becoming increasingly selective regarding what I wanted for entertainment. Even before I was 30 I had abandoned commercial television nearly entirely. I hate commercials. Candy coated lies they are. Nobody ever lives happily ever after if they think they will some day. Abandon fate and create your own future. Be happy today. You've got to make it happen, though. Nobody can really make you happy except yourself. Others can try but you have to allow it first. A two edged sword of course. This gives you the power to make yourself unhappy. Remember this and work against self negativity. I think the key to happiness is realizing nobody but yourself knows who you truly are. This means of course nobody can really dictate who you are and what you ought to be. More commercials you see. Don't see. Turn off the damned TV and read a book or go grow a garden or anything else that isn't constantly trying to change you into anything other than what you really are. Of course you have to already know who you are before you know who you are. What's worked for me is learning to shut out all the white noise, the raging silence all around me. No more rage. No more guilt and the silence is truly silent now. Maybe this can work for you, too. I hope it can.  

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I've heard that if you're not sure about your sexuality, ask the question: What do you fantasize about?

Well, that wouldn't get me anywhere.  I don't "fantasize" at all.

 

Then again... maybe that's the entire point...

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Hello @RavenOak and welcome! 🍰

I can identify with some of the things you talk about. I also love the non-sexual part of relationships that include hugs, kisses and cuddling. The only person I talked to about asexuality told me to wait to the "right" person. It did upset me a little bit, but just like you, I found this place and it feels comforting. Ah and I also work with books, but in a bookstore. I wish you find the answers you're looking for very soon. 🌼

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Welcome RavenOak, thanks for sharing about yourself. I hope you find Aven helpful :)

 

 

While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here).

I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are :)

 

Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful:

Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here

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Welcome! If you like kids so much then maybe you could one day adopt with a romantically partner of yours? :) 

pancakecake.png

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welcome :cake:

 

I'm still waiting on my mythical right person - I fear they took a wrong turn and are lost. There's many places around the board to show off your kitties - many are in JFF - Just For Fun and The Chatterbox

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On 6/25/2019 at 8:41 PM, RavenOak said:

 

@Soledad
Yay for books!!! :)
That "right person" line always felt...strange. I don't like the idea of waiting around for someone to show up. Got too many other things to do, too many books to read :P

 

The idea of waiting is really absurd. I like it more your way.😂😉

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Hello and Welcome.

Have some :cake:

 

Hope you enjoy AVEN. I am sure you'll find plenty of other here who share your interests.

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Beauty and the Beast cake,

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