Parent advice

[Ace Ma]

Hi. I'll get right to it.  My daughter is 17 and heading to college in September. She is VERY social, very bright, funny, smart, etc, etc. However she struggles with her sexuality. In the past few months, together, we have concluded that she is asexual.  She identifies as a girl - enjoys looking pretty, enjoys looking at men, etc. But she has no desire to have a physical relationship with anyone. And now she is panicking about college and beyond. Right now, her closest friends are starting to have boyfriends and girlsfriends and she feels like she doesn't belong. She has also has had several nice boys interested in dating her and this makes her very uncomfortable. She is a very confident and communicative girl and I believe she will have a healthy, satisfying a relationship one day.  I'm wondering a few things: Does anyone here have college experience with asexuality? And are there any organized ways she can meet men who are also on the asexual spectrum? Any other advice for me as her mother? 

Edited June 25, 2019 by Ace Ma
typos

[Alawyn-Aebt]

57 minutes ago, Ace Ma said:

Does anyone here have college experience with asexuality?

What experiences are you particularly interested in? I myself am 19 and have had two years of college so far so I might be able to give you some examples of my personal experiences if I knew exactly what you were interested in.

 

As an broad overview of my experiences, it is not hard to be asexual and in college. Most of my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends but I have never felt out of place because of that. One's experiences would be heavily influenced by their friend group though.

[Ace Ma]

Thank you for responding! I'm really glad to hear that.  I guess I'm wondering how you handle advances from others.  Do you date? If not, how do you decline? Do you tell people that you are asexual?  Also, have you met others that identify as asexual?

Thanks for your input!

 

[TheSunshineKid]

Another college student here. I’m happy to answer any questions you guys have as well. 

 

I’m also aromantic, and don’t date, so I won’t be much help there. I have seen other people say that on-campus LGBTQ+ groups can be a place to start. As for declining, I simply say that I’m not interested. No need to say it’s because you’re ace if you don’t want to. 

 

As for being ace in college, I’d agree that it’s not generally difficult. I did meet another aro ace this past year, and we’ve become great friends which is really cool. I have told my friends that I’m ace, and generally they all have been very accepting. (Which has helped me feel like I belong, even though my friends often talk about dating.)

 

And I just want to say thank you for being so supportive of your daughter! 

Edited June 26, 2019 by TheSunshineKid
Grammar

[secrethamster]

I'm going into my 3rd year of college.

 

Typically, my peers seem to talk about who's with who and make sex jokes waaaay too often in my opinion, but I haven't ever had trouble with them bringing me into a conversation they know I don't want to comment on. In the last two years I have become much more desensitized to this conversation topic without ever being pressured to participate. Other than in these conversations (and the fact that I don't date as I am aromantic as well), I don't think being asexual affects my college experience at all. People don't need to know and usually don't ask.

 

As for meeting others, most campuses I know of have an LGBTQ+ organization. There are also some dating apps that include "asexual" as an option, but I have no experience with those. I would recommend she just relax and be patient.  Everyone moves at their own pace.

 

My advice to you would be to not pressure her one way or the other. You sound much more understanding and accepting than my mom, so don't take this personally, but it's difficult when parents make comments implying that I will change my mind about being asexual (as if it's a choice). She may learn later that she's not ace, but in the meantime, please keep supporting her.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

On 6/26/2019 at 8:56 AM, Ace Ma said:

I guess I'm wondering how you handle advances from others.  Do you date? If not, how do you decline? Do you tell people that you are asexual?  Also, have you met others that identify as asexual?

I generally do not get advances from others, but when I do I am really good at giving people the cold shoulder or showing my disinterest in other ways. When they try I tend to steer the conversation towards something obscure I know (or guess) they are not interested in, yet something I am interested in. E.g., I launch down an intellectual rabbit hole of how the economic uncertainty caused by the macroeconomic structures (or lack thereof) in the 19th century helped to further the Industrial Revolution, or something similarly obscure.

Theoretically if the person who was giving advances to me could maintain and seem to enjoy the conversation while being pleasant then that would be someone I should try to convert to a friend.

 

I do not date. Lucky for me I am male and since males usually propose dates to female as opposed to the other way round I do not ever have to decline any offers. Theoretically I would date, although it would be much more along friendship lines (as in "you make an interesting conversation partner and you are really interesting. I would like to be a really close friend of you, do you want to hop on the subway and go visit the Smithsonian together?") than "that person looks hot, I want to date them and maybe fall in love with them".

 

Generally I do not tell others I am asexual, not any of their business. I have had some friends/acquaintances ask me if I was gay, to which I make up some statement that is humourous and limits further talk of that. E.g., "Do you really want to know?", said in a way that creeps they out slightly. If pressed I would say that no one interests me in a sexual manner but again, it is not their business.

 

I have not met other asexuals, but I do not seek them out. I have a hard enough time making friends with people who share similar interests as me, trying to make a friend of someone whose defining similarity to me is their lack of sex would probably not work.