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asupportive

I'm glad I found this site

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asupportive

Hello, my first post, thought I'd share how I got here and what it's meant for myself and my wife.

 

We're married almost 25 years and dated for several years before getting married (we met in our early 20's). I've always know that my wife's sex drive was low. For our entire relationship I've been the hound, her the fox. Her connection between intimacy and sex always seemed different than mine. When we started dating, and eventually getting around to talking about sex, I wasn't surprised to learn she was a virgin. I didn't have a ton of experience, but some, so when the time came for us to have sex for the first time, she enjoyed it. Of course the reality of that moment just hit me, things could have gone much differently for both of us, thankfully it worked out. Over the next few months I realized that she wasn't very comfortable with openly discussing certain topics related to intimacy and her sexuality. She had never explored her own body, her first orgams was when I orally stimulated her. Again in hindsight I'm glad that worked out too. We were pretty 'normal' in terms of a young couple bonding, being sexually intimate wasn't a problem and still isn't.

 

What brought me here...? We've been working on us. Our kids are just about out of the house, we have a lot more time together with just us, and have been talking about how we can bring some of the fire back to the relationship. For the past 20 some years it's been about the kids, now we're getting back to being able to focus on us. That started some discussions about arousal, fantasies, fetishes, etc that  might be worth exploring. As we talked, my wife expressed some frustration. She doesn't fantasize about sex. She explained that she can't visualize sexy things. She enjoys reading books with stories that are adult in nature, she has discovered that it is okay and pretty awesome to bring yourself to climax when needed. 

 

The other half of the story is that I'm on the Aspergers spectrum as an Aspie (Aspergers).  This means that I struggle with certain social situations, I have a hard time 'picking up on things', I don't read between the lines, eye contact is a challenge, so I've got my baggage too. I found out I was an aspie i my early 40's, it was such a huge relief to finally understand why I'm not like most people, dot that I couldn't connect came together, the depression that I dealt with on and off for years seemed to go away. As I was reading more about asexuality and the spectrum it encompases, I felt hopeful. 

 

Our oldest child, has over the past couple of years come out to us as transgender and asexual, and is transitioning to a male. I was able to approach my wife on the topic of asexuality by talking about our child. The conversation was amazing. We have been reconnecting with each other and I think this piece of the puzzle will help. It gives the aspie in me rules, boundaries, guidelines that I can use to help me in this specific situation, as an aspie there is a template to follow for just about everything, this lets me redefine this template in a way that nurtures my wife's needs without unknowingly doing things that she's not a comfortable and focus on the things that do help her to feel connected, and wanting to feel the sensations that she needs for her to enjoy sexual intimacy. 

 

Thanks for listening. I brought cake.

Triple-Layered-Gluttonous-Cake_Summary.j

 

 

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daveb

Welcome and :cake: !

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iff

welcome asupportive to the forums :)

 

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Marlow1

Hi @asupportive

 

You said that your wife does not fantasize about sex. Can she visualise at all? I ask, because I have Aphantasia and this affects my ability to fantasize about sex, or indeed anything

 

 

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