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And suddenly it all makes sense


Evelyn A

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Hey guys :)

This is my story, and I'd advise you to buckle up and settle in because I have many attributes but brevity isn't one of them. So for all my life, I've been indifferent to relationships. Never really wanted one. I had a few crushes growing up, but my feelings were always satisfied by just becoming friends with them. I never had to confront my disinterest though because I wasn't even allowed to date until sixteen, so for most of my life I was pretty happy with that, and never tried to push it or anything like my siblings did. And after I turned sixteen I just didn't date anyways and was pretty fine with that, even though my friends and family teased me for it. I didn't particularly care about any of that until events started to suggest that not caring wasn't normal.

 

I started getting confused when my friends would talk about celebrity crushes, or I would hear them talking about who at school they liked. They would talk about wanting to kiss these people or do stuff with them and it was then that I realized that sexual attraction was an actual thing people felt. Growing up I had always assumed it was fake or over exaggerated because the concept was so ridiculous to me. The idea that people could be attracted to such a degree to strangers baffled me. The idea that people liked sex, or even thought about it at all baffled me even more. But everyone had no problem with those things. Everyone but me. I was so confused and hopeless, and I thought I was broken. So I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to convince myself that I would eventually feel that, and that all I needed was to experience a relationship.

 

About three months ago, that finally happened. My friends set me up with a guy, someone in our friend group that I'd never really interacted with before, but who apparently had had a crush on me for a while. We started dating, and would hold hands and cuddle and I finally felt normal. Until prom though. The first slow dance that came on, we walked to the center of the floor and started dancing. He held me close and I was entirely content with my situation. But then he decided to kiss me. I had never been kissed before and immediately the warning bells started going off in my brain. I panicked and just closed my eyes and let him while I was internally screaming in distress. It felt wrong, uncomfortable and out of place. I don't think he noticed how I felt and we finished the dance and the night without a hitch. He didn't try again but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Why didn't I want my boyfriend to kiss me? The moment was perfect and I liked him, so what was wrong?

 

I again pushed these thoughts to the back of my head so I didn't have to deal with them. I chalked it up to being nervous and tried not to dwell on it. Things like that kept happening though. The time we were in the library's quiet room alone, and he leaned over to kiss me and I was so surprised by it I almost fell off my seat to avoid it. The last day of school when he asked for a kiss and I immediately went into fight or flight mode, panicking because I didn't know what I was supposed to do but I knew I didn't want to kiss him. I could tell he was hurt by these situations but I didn't know how to handle them.

 

All through this I was plagued by the constant question in my brain of "why don't I feel the way I'm supposed to". I have a boyfriend who's kind, handsome, and who I like, so why don't I feel comfortable with the idea of expressing physical affection to him? I think he finally caught on that something was wrong, because he broke up with me over the phone last week. I was very upset at first, because I felt I wasn't and couldn't be enough for him or anyone, but after a couple days I felt almost relieved. I forced myself to evaluate what our relationship had been, and realized that fundamentally it was just a committed friendship with more cuddling and hand holding. I also had to admit to myself that I had been lying to myself and him for a long time, because deep down I knew I would never be attracted to him or anyone else in the way he was attracted to me. 

 

I've known about asexuality for a while but have always been hesitant to label myself as such. I was afraid that I would be ridiculed by my very conservative family and friends, that they would accuse me of lying to be special, or accuse me of saying I was asexual to cover up the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend. Even I doubted myself. But when I got on Aven and read the stories of other asexual people, tears started running down my face because all of them described the exact same feelings I felt, and situations I'd found myself in. It was the first time I'd ever felt understood and the relief was so strong in knowing that I wasn't alone, that I couldn't stop crying. 

 

I finally know what I am know, and even more importantly I know what I'm not. I'm not broken. I am asexual. And the relief of admitting this is greater than anything I've ever felt before. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my story and thank you for tolerating my ridiculous comma usage. It's a problem honestly. But I'm so glad to find this community and I'm thankful for everyone who has already shared their stories, for giving me the courage to share my own. 

 

thank you

-Evelyn

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Optical_Illusion

That sounds like you've gone through a lot. I'm glad you felt relieved in the end though. I think it's better for a couple to part and go their own ways instead of pretending to be happy with each other. It also sounds like your friends were genuinely trying to help, but I understand how finding you someone out of the blue must've felt pushy. As for the "coming out" part, you don't have to worry about doing it at a certain time. You can do it when you're ready; you don't even have to do it if you don't want to. I'm glad you've found a community that you feel happy and welcomed in. There is nothing wrong with being asexual and you will continue to learn more about yourself as you keep exploring.

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Custard Cream

I'm glad that you have found us, and hope that you will find comfort being part of this community. You are not broken, and you are not alone. 

 

I offer the traditional welcome cake. 🍰

 

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hi Evelyn A, thanks for joining the forums and sharing about yourself :) hope you like the forums

 

While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here).

I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are :)

 

Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful:

Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here

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Welcome! You might be interested in looking into Squishes and QPRs too :) 

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Hey Evelyn, thank you for sharing your story with us, I can relate to so much of what you described. You could say I had a similar situation growing up, I knew I was different from my friends, but it didn't start bothering me until I felt like people around me were noticing this about me. I have also pursued relationships, and found that i didn't even want to so much as kiss the person I thought I was interested in. 

Just understand that you are not alone. Also, there is no pressure to come out to other people unless you feel that it is something that would make you happier. Do whatever you feel is best for you 

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Hello and Welcome.

Have some :cake:

 

Thanks for taking the time to type up and share your story. I am sure there are folks here who can relate.

Glad OT hear that AVEN has been such a help to you. Hope you continue to enjoy the community here.

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be an Aromantic Asexual.

The Crushes that you mention could have been Squishes, the Aromantic version of a Crush. http://wiki.asexuality.org/Romantic_attraction

I'm happy that you don't feel so alone or broken anymore after realising that you're Asexual.
I also have a very conservative family, and because of this, I hadn't come out as Asexual for about 20 years, though I'd known since my early teens and been out to my friends.
I joined the community due to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Believe in your DREAMS...' Cake,

ckmzkmupwols32dt1p16.jpg

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