InvisibleSquid Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Sooooo I came out to my wife on Friday, and it's been a rollercoaster. I feel like she hated me for telling her. I think she might be (very) slowly coming around, but I know she was really hurt by the whole deal. It's been a rough few days, but I feel like we might be okay. Hopefully. I keep going between feeling relieved and feeling broken. She's a very sexual person, and I'm just... well I'm here. Here's a link to my first post regarding this. (I wasn't sure whether it was better to start a new post or add onto that one. This is my happy medium, I guess.) Link to post Share on other sites
Phalena Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Let me hug you. It was very brave of you to tell her the truth. I can understand how both of you feel. As soon as you both feel better, you can discuss and work on how to continue with this change. I really hope for you that your relationship will become stronger! 🤗 Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 You have to realize that this may be very important to her. For many people sex and love are deeply tied together. You both need to figure out whether there is a sex life that can make you both happy, or whether divorce is a better solution Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 @MiffKeks Thank you for the hug. I really needed that. @uhtred I’m hoping separation won’t be necessary. We’ve been married 12 years and have four kids together. I understand she has needs, and I’m more than willing to accommodate. @WindFlower I do want to communicate with her more about this as we go along, and hopefully she’ll become more comfortable with things. I don’t know that I’m ready to throw links at her just yet. She’s also quite good about doing research on her own if she wants to know something. She did say that she wished she had known when we met, and I explained that I hadn’t known at the time. I’d been fully willing to engage in sexual activities with her over the years, even though I’m Ace. I’m not sex averse. But I needed her to know why she’s always the one to initiate. I needed her to understand that I just generally don’t want it, but I still love her and enjoy being with her. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I’ve been in a similar place this weekend too (finally told my husband on Thursday night) I think it’s especially hard on the other side because while we have had time to think it over, and digest it all gradually, they are sort of blind sided by it. There are a lot of feelings that we’re assumed to be there that they find out apparently are not. So there is a lot of confusion, self doubt, and it’s a shift not just in life going forward, but in how they suddenly have to look at the past. She probably needs some time to make sense of it all. You’ve been together this long making it work as a mixed couple wether you knew it or not, so you’ve been working on the challenges already. Now you both have the words to better talk about, and deal with them. I hope things go well for you two, and that you can get to a place of just feeling relief. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 1 hour ago, AceMissBehaving said: I’ve been in a similar place this weekend too (finally told my husband on Thursday night) I think it’s especially hard on the other side because while we have had time to think it over, and digest it all gradually, they are sort of blind sided by it. There are a lot of feelings that we’re assumed to be there that they find out apparently are not. So there is a lot of confusion, self doubt, and it’s a shift not just in life going forward, but in how they suddenly have to look at the past. She probably needs some time to make sense of it all. You’ve been together this long making it work as a mixed couple wether you knew it or not, so you’ve been working on the challenges already. Now you both have the words to better talk about, and deal with them. I hope things go well for you two, and that you can get to a place of just feeling relief. Yes, it’s this assumption that I had taken for granted, and hadn’t considered the “blindsided” side of things for her. I think that’s what made it so hard. I know she loves me, I just hope she can get past it. As as much as it sucks, I’m glad to hear from someone who’s currently in the same boat. I hope you’re doing well with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 1 hour ago, Ace of J said: Yes, it’s this assumption that I had taken for granted, and hadn’t considered the “blindsided” side of things for her. I think that’s what made it so hard. I know she loves me, I just hope she can get past it. As as much as it sucks, I’m glad to hear from someone who’s currently in the same boat. I hope you’re doing well with yours. Yeah at first I thought I would just be confirming suspicions, but he had assumed another reason entirely for the mismatch around sex. He’s been really understanding and supportive though. At first there was sadness, and denial, but we’ve been talking through it. Right now we’re in a good place, but I think he still needs some time to figure out how he feels about it. We both want to stick together, and do feel closer for having it finally out in the open, but need to figure out how to make sure his needs are also met. That’s probably going to be a work in progress for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 18 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said: Yeah at first I thought I would just be confirming suspicions, but he had assumed another reason entirely for the mismatch around sex. He’s been really understanding and supportive though. At first there was sadness, and denial, but we’ve been talking through it. Right now we’re in a good place, but I think he still needs some time to figure out how he feels about it. We both want to stick together, and do feel closer for having it finally out in the open, but need to figure out how to make sure his needs are also met. That’s probably going to be a work in progress for a while. I’m glad to hear that. I think we’re getting there. At first she didn’t even want to snuggle with me, but last night it was nothing but snuggles. I just don’t always know how she feels about something in the moment, because she doesn’t always say something right away. She could still be processing how she feels about things, and could still be upset. I think its just just going to be some time before we really figure out what she needs, and how to go about making sure that her needs are met. After this length of time, it shouldn’t be tricky, but I guess it’s tricky. Who knew being Ace could get so complicated!! Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 @Ace of J sounds like progress! 2 hours ago, Ace of J said: After this length of time, it shouldn’t be tricky, but I guess it’s tricky. Who knew being Ace could get so complicated!! Right!? That’s what I always think when people use the “can’t they just not have sex quietly?” line. I wish but it’s not that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 @AceMissBehaving People actually say that?? 😧 Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 1 hour ago, Ace of J said: @AceMissBehaving People actually say that?? 😧 If it exists it has haters unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted July 2, 2019 Author Share Posted July 2, 2019 Just wanted to toss a quick update out there. Things are decent but slightly rocky here. There’s still love, but sometimes I feel like she despises me for being ace. I know she’s trying to be understanding of the whole thing, and I get that it’s difficult. But sometimes I feel like she has a hard time being around me. We haven’t talked about it since it came up over a week ago, so I don’t really know how she’s dealing with it. I’m on the autism spectrum, so I often have a hard time understanding how someone else is feeling unless they tell me. I’ll gladly talk to her more about it, but I don’t want to pry if she’s still uncomfortable. Meh, at this point I’m just glad she doesn’t want to leave me. Yet. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted July 2, 2019 Share Posted July 2, 2019 @Ace of J sounds like it’s a bit of a Schrödinger’s cat right now, might it be possible to open up a conversation to find out how’s shes actually been feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted July 3, 2019 Author Share Posted July 3, 2019 @AceMissBehaving I would certainly like to “check in”, so to speak, and get a feel for how we’re doing. If things need to start going in a certain direction, I’d hate for it to float around in stagnant uncertainty. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 16 minutes ago, Ace of J said: @AceMissBehaving I would certainly like to “check in”, so to speak, and get a feel for how we’re doing. If things need to start going in a certain direction, I’d hate for it to float around in stagnant uncertainty. Can you initiate that conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted July 3, 2019 Author Share Posted July 3, 2019 3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said: Can you initiate that conversation? I'll probably have to. I have a feeling she won't. I just have to be careful of when I bring it up. She does struggle with depression, and I don't want to start this conversation during a bad time if it's a sore subject for her. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 2 minutes ago, Ace of J said: I'll probably have to. I have a feeling she won't. I just have to be careful of when I bring it up. She does struggle with depression, and I don't want to start this conversation during a bad time if it's a sore subject for her. Yeah that’s tricky, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you! Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted July 3, 2019 Author Share Posted July 3, 2019 @AceMissBehaving Thank you. I'll cross mine for me, too. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 On 6/24/2019 at 11:42 AM, MiffKeks said: Let me hug you. It was very brave of you to tell her the truth. I can understand how both of you feel. As soon as you both feel better, you can discuss and work on how to continue with this change. I really hope for you that your relationship will become stronger! 🤗 X2 I know when I came out at 55 as asexual to a male friend that I had known since the fifth grade. It was quite the dramafest. I was sure I was going breakdown into a great big sobfest. I kept my head and was able to explain to him was asexuality. However it took me another year to tell him why I identified as such. I was so exhausted mentally I didn't have it in me to carry on the conversation. I hope you can work things out with your wife. It sounds like you love her as your partner but can't handle the sexual part of your marriage/relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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