DorAce Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hey all, I'm new here and I'm very excited to be connected to other people from the asexual community! Note, I actually intended to share my story shortly but I guess this is the first time I share all of this with people that are like me, so it felt amazing to write it all out. I always felt better in queer communities but now I feel like that's not enough, I need a community that goes through exactly the same as I do and who can assure me that everything is ok when I start overthinking. So, here is my story: I'm 23 years old, and it took me quite a long time to figure out who I am (and I guess I'm still kind of figuring out). When I started questioning my sexuality, a friend of mine suggested that she thinks I'm demisexual, just like her. Reading about what that means was such a pleasure! And I kind of started to identify as demisexual right away. Then, around two years later, another friend told me while we were talking about dating, that "you're the most asexual person I know". That was the point when I started to feel confused again, and felt that I needed to figure out more about this whole ace thing. I had (a very, VERY bad) relationship five years ago but apart from that all my crushes have been either famous people that didn't know I exist, or people where the moment they showed interest in me and we started dating, I backed up when it got, let's say, too real, or too physical. For a while I blamed it on my bad experience with that one boyfriend but the moment I read about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction I knew that is not the case. I guess when your first relationship kind of traumatizes you it is hard to not just blame everything on that afterwards. But thinking back, so many things just make sense now. As a teenager, I always felt super inconventient when people asked me if I thought X or Y were hot. When the kids at my age started talking about their crushes I preferred to play with younger kids that still preferred playing to dating. Later, in my relationship, I would get angry when my boyfriend wanted to sleep with me during the day because I felt like it was a waste of time, and I remember asking him why don't we just go and distribute food to the homeless people instead, and I never understood how sex could be more fulfilling for him than that. Actually, I always felt best about just imagining being in a relationship with someone in my head and I always wished I could just have a relationship where for months we can just hold hands and cuddle and then skip the next part and go right to the part where we are old and live together in harmony and just bake bread and read next to each other in bed. Putting all of these together I realized that while I do have a very strong romantic attraction if I happen to like a person (like, once in 50 years), but probably that's it. The massive overthinker that I am still keeps on challenging my mind and asking me questions to make me feel confused and make me feel like I don't belong anywhere, but I hope once I don't feel so alone with this experience that will stop happening. Well, that's it about me, thank you sooo much for reading my story and I can't wait to get to know all of you lovely people! Link to post Share on other sites
LilacJay Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hi, nice to meet you! I see you're very reflective about your feelings and I see you've come quite a long way already. Overthinking certain issues happens, just like phases of questioning, phases of change, and phases of upset happen. Just remember: You're always invited to share your feelings in this forum, even the difficult ones. There's usually somebody around who can figure things out with you 😉 And for now, enjoy the cake: Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
VanillaCakesForever Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hello there! Be very very welcome and feel free to overthink (I love to hear people's overthinking process, it is always enlightening in a way or another). I've just joined aven too and I'd like to show you all my appreciation for this welcoming community. I've come across the term asexuality more than five years ago, at college. I didn't know what it meant so I googled it and discovered this place. Once I became familiar with the term(s) everything made sense although I'd never felt uncomfortable with my (a)sexuality. From this moment on it has been a process of reanalysis of my past and current feelings and dealing (or not!) with labels. Aven has been here all the time to enlighten terms and doubts. I'm pretty settled with my id now and I just want to give you all a huge cake party for being so friendly and open and honest to discuss such an important aspect of people's life. 🍰 Cake! 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
VanillaCakesForever Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Dear DorAce, I must add that I relate to your story. We are about the same age and when a friend asked me if I was ace and I came to know the term I also identified myself as demisexual - due to a previous relationship I'd had and in which I was not "opposed" to physical contact. I was not comfortable with labels, but the "categories" "explained" some feelings I had so I considered myself demisexual and romantic, although I had never craved for any romantic stuff. Time passed (like years), I tried to name my feelings again and got different results. People change and it is healthy to modify or simply quit any labels if you just feel like it. Very similar to you (though it was me, not a friend telling me), I thought "I'm pretty much the definition of asexuality". Even when in a relationship what I felt was nothing close to sexual attraction, even after a deep emotional bond was in place. Whenever I liked or craved for anything it was not sexual, though I noticed it could be physical. I came upon an excellent article that put a name to what I felt and I just concluded that I felt sensual attraction. When emotionally connected I wanted to hold hands, hug, sleep (really sleep) together, touch and kiss but it was not sexual. It was the definition of sensual. Considering many other aspects, I felt like I was bi-demi-sensual (but still ace! If that makes any sense) and aromantic. Quite complicated to explain but felt really nice to put into words. I know you didn't request any further comments, but I figured that as an overthinker you wouldn't mind to hear I'd struggled with labels and self knowledge. In case you're curious about the article, here it is: http://theasexual.com/article/2018/8/15/on-sensual-attraction-and-intimacy-yes-sometimes-people-really-do-just-want-to-cuddle Welcome again to the community! 🍰 Cake! 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hello and welcome. 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
DorAce Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 Thanks so much to all of you for your warm welcomes (and the cakes!) 2 hours ago, VanillaCakesForever said: was not comfortable with labels, but the "categories" "explained" some feelings I had so I considered myself demisexual and romantic, although I had never craved for any romantic stuff. Time passed (like years), I tried to name my feelings again and got different results. People change and it is healthy to modify or simply quit any labels if you just feel like it. Oh yes! And, as much as categories and labels help you to not feel alone they can also kind of drive you crazy especially if you already have been in a sexually active relationship a long time ago, it's hard to determine so much later, what different feelings you had meant and what you exactly felt. But it is also always great to be reminded of how fluid actually everything is. And for the article about sensual attraction, thank you! That is also something I just recently started to discover, how much more there is than just romantic and sexual, and it's always great to have more to read 😊🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hello and Welcome. Have some Thanks for sharing your story. No-one is every really alone here. Hope you enjoy AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Welcome! Oh then might a recommend this sketchcomic on the types of attraction for you? https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 <<< Link to post Share on other sites
VanillaCakesForever Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Oh, lovely art @Lichley, thank you! The girl from the aesthetic attraction makes such a funny face. Link to post Share on other sites
Soledad Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 On 6/24/2019 at 4:20 PM, DorAce said: The massive overthinker that I am still keeps on challenging my mind and asking me questions to make me feel confused and make me feel like I don't belong anywhere, but I hope once I don't feel so alone with this experience that will stop happening. Welcome! 🍰 It's alright to overthink. It may be a really nice and fruitful process. I hope you will find all the answers you're looking for very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 welcome Dorace, thanks for sharing about yourself, hope you like the forums While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here). I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful: A brief guide to the forums Welcome Lounge mini-manual Asexuality FAQ Welcoming other members Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 A belated welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you could be a Demiromantic Asexual. Thank you for sharing your story. I related to a lot of it. Hearing romantic and sexual comments in my early teens is what made me realise I'm an Aromantic Asexual, but I still have thoughts of doubt, and I joined the community to feel less lonely. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Lovely Tortoise' Cake, Link to post Share on other sites
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