Romantic relationships are scary

[RoseGoesToYale]

I've been doing a bit of soul searching the past month, asking myself why I always wanted a romantic relationship so bad, and I realized I never deeply considered what having one would entail, since I never had one. But I've come to realize the whole thing is really kind of terrifying, and I don't know if it's because I lack experience, or because I'm just afraid of people in general, or because I was sort of romanticizing romantic relationships (is that an oxymoron? it sounds like one...)

 

And now the more I think about it, the scarier it seems. You're literally letting a whole other person get to know everything about you, and you get to know everything about them, even the bad or gross things. It's exchanging trust and feelings, strong feelings, feelings that keep you awake at night. And it's letting that other person see how ridiculously stupid and uncool you act under the influence of these feelings. Then there's the reality of holding another person's heart in your hands. What if we get into a fight? What if I hurt them, even if I don't mean to? What if I'm responsible for damaging another human being? Even the prospect of the good parts scare me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll finally get that physically or emotionally close to someone and my brain won't be able to handle it and I'll hyperventilate and pass out. Or maybe I'll just freeze.

 

And when I think about all my quirks and shortcomings and the strange routines I've gotten myself in over the years, what if there's just no one on this earth willing to tolerate it? What if me just being me drives another person to madness?

 

Maybe it makes a lot of sense why I couldn't get into a relationship... because on some unconscious level, my own fears were sabotaging me. Dating seems particularly nerve wracking, and any time someone has ever asked me out, I've said no. And the one time I said yes, I later backed out of the date and justified it in my mind with ridiculous excuses. Really, I was just scared. I honestly wish I could bypass the process altogether, but I have a hard enough time trusting people as it is. One thing's for sure, if I'd been born five years earlier, I'd have been screwed in high school. At least when I was in high school, dating was starting to die and be replaced by... I don't know what exactly.

 

All I know is I do want a relationship, but I'm also terrified of them at the same time. Maybe it's one of those things where the fear won't subside until I just do it.

[Guest]

Nah, they stay scary. 😂 And @CBC... not so awful at all, actually. 

[RakshaTheCat]

27 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

And now the more I think about it, the scarier it seems. You're literally letting a whole other person get to know everything about you, and you get to know everything about them, even the bad or gross things. It's exchanging trust and feelings, strong feelings, feelings that keep you awake at night. And it's letting that other person see how ridiculously stupid and uncool you act under the influence of these feelings.

Umm, I'm pretty sure this is not how romantic relationships work, there isn't actually much trust there at all, they don't even care to get to know you much, only parts of you they find 'hot', so mostly your genitals.

Romantically attracted person just wants to 'own' you, make you theirs, that was my experience with someone who was attracted to me. They just wanted to have sex with me and marry me, but they didn't even want to be my friend (I was actually naive enough to think they did want to be friends at first, and became pretty depressed when discovered it was not the case at all).

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Umm, I'm pretty sure this is not how romantic relationships work, there isn't actually much trust there at all, they don't even care to get to know you much, only parts of you they find 'hot', so mostly your genitals.

Romantically attracted person just wants to 'own' you, make you theirs, that was my experience with someone who was attracted to me. They just wanted to have sex with me and marry me, but they didn't even want to be my friend (I was actually naive enough to think they did want to be friends at first, and became pretty depressed when discovered it was not the case at all).

Sorry your husband was an asshole but that doesn't mean everyone is an asshole. 

 

Also... I don't think when people say "you're hot" they mean genitals. 😂

[Madao]

I understand your feelings @RoseGoesToYale. I am still kinda young, but your whole post is really relatable. Romantic relationships are a huge investment with a huge risk. I can't offer you advice, but as you said towards the end, give it a shot? Taking small steps is always good, even if you are really afraid. It will help you gauge your feelings well. 

[RakshaTheCat]

11 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Sorry your husband was an asshole but that doesn't mean everyone is an asshole.

That was my gf, never had a husband. And even if not everyone, looks like most do exactly that. It's enough to listen what they say when they talk about their 'loved ones' 😸

 

13 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Also... I don't think when people say "you're hot" they mean genitals. 😂

Or their general looks. Or their wallets. Or their 'skills'. Never seen any other examples, but I'm always happy to learn more if you can provide some 😺

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Marcin said:

That was my gf, never had a husband. And even if not everyone, looks like most do exactly that. It's enough to listen what they say when they talk about their 'loved ones' 😸

 

Or their general looks. Or their wallets. Or their 'skills'. Never seen any other examples, but I'm always happy to learn more if you can provide some 😺

Oh sorry, my apologies re misgendering, etc. I'm truly sorry that was a bad relationship, but you're being ridiculous if you think that you, but no sexuals, understand love. 

[Bio 7]

1 hour ago, Marcin said:

Umm, I'm pretty sure this is not how romantic relationships work, there isn't actually much trust there at all, they don't even care to get to know you much, only parts of you they find 'hot', so mostly your genitals.

Romantically attracted person just wants to 'own' you, make you theirs, that was my experience with someone who was attracted to me. They just wanted to have sex with me and marry me, but they didn't even want to be my friend (I was actually naive enough to think they did want to be friends at first, and became pretty depressed when discovered it was not the case at all).

That's why I think all relationships make sense starting after a friendship has already formed, so it isn’t just based on sex but actual connection between people.

 

Still I don’t think I’m the kind of person that could be in a relationship. I like doing romances in games because generally it’s between people fighting a war and just have a different type of life. KOTOR, SWTOR, Mass Effect and so on are the games I think of most, and a relationship feels good to me in that setting, but real life and relationships don’t work in my mind.

[Guest]

I think they're not all they're hyped up to be unless you manage to find someone really great. And, uh, good luck with that.

 

I'm watching Game of Thrones and the characters who are good people are a minority. Then there are a lot more people who are a mix of good and bad. Then a small number of really evil people. GoT reflects reality.

[nineGardens]

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

 

And now the more I think about it, the scarier it seems. You're literally letting a whole other person get to know everything about you, and you get to know everything about them, even the bad or gross things. It's exchanging trust and feelings, strong feelings, feelings that keep you awake at night. And it's letting that other person see how ridiculously stupid and uncool you act under the influence of these feelings. Then there's the reality of holding another person's heart in your hands. What if we get into a fight? What if I hurt them, even if I don't mean to? What if I'm responsible for damaging another human being?

...[SNIP]...

Really, I was just scared. I honestly wish I could bypass the process altogether, but I have a hard enough time trusting people as it is. One thing's for sure, if I'd been born five years earlier, I'd have been screwed in high school. At least when I was in high school, dating was starting to die and be replaced by... I don't know what exactly. 

 

Have you ever been sky diving?

I'm thinking of Tandem skydiving in particular, but any kind of sky diving will do.

 

Your up in a plane, and that's okay (everyones been in planes before), and the door is open (which is a bit freaky), and your strapped to this other person, sitting on a ledge, and beneath you is... the world. Clouds. Fields. Oceans. All of it. 

And then you sit on the ledge, and give yourself a little shove... and you fall.

The clouds drift up towards you, and there's all this noise and sound, and the ground is approaching, but its weird, cause even though the air is moving fast, the ground is moving really slowly.

And...if the parachute isn't set up right, or if the person your tied to screws up, then you are about to die.

You can freak out about it. But freaking out won't help. Fear won't help- it doesn't.... it doesn't DO anything.

 

... this is probably not the most reassuring metaphor, but its one that comes to mind.

 

 

Here is the thing about being in love:

You will fuck up.

Your partner will fuck it up.

You will make mistakes and miscommunicate, and let the other person down and be let down in turn, and the thing is that your partner HAS GIVEN YOU PERMISSION to make that mistakes.

You have permission to be weirdy, and confused and broken some days. To fuck up, and then talk it over afterwards. You have permission to wake up in the middle of the night freaked out by a TV show you saw that one time, and for that to be okay.

You have permission for it not to work. To give your heart away, and give it a shot, and then six months or six years later to sit down with your partner and say "This isn't working. I want it to, but its not".
... and if that happens it doesn't make it any easier. But its not... even if it hurts it doesn't have to be something that drags us down.Having someones heart in your hands is a responsibility, but its also a privilage. Its an opportunity. To say "I really like this person, and I want them to grow, and be stronger, and better, and.... and what do they need? What can I say to them or give them, and ask them, or do with them?"

 

 

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

What if we get into a fight?

Then you'll fight.

But that isn't where the story ends, you get to decide what you do afterwards.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

What if I hurt them, even if I don't mean to?

Then they'll be hurt. And so will you.

But we still climb the mountain, even though we might scrape our knees. People play soccer. People read books with sad endings.

People get hurt, but the being hurt doesn't have to make the story a bad one.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

What if I'm responsible for damaging another human being?

Be honest. Go in with the best of intentions. Be generous (but don't forget to look after yourself as well). Have courage.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but honestly, I'd say that when it comes to human relationships, Honesty+good intentions+ gentleness will get you 95% of the way to keeping someone safe.

Safe is not that same as never ever being hurt. But it does sort of mean "Not damaged".

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

Sometimes I wonder if I'll finally get that physically or emotionally close to someone and my brain won't be able to handle it and I'll hyperventilate and pass out. Or maybe I'll just freeze. 

And if that happens, you'll pass out. Or maybe just freeze.

And then, afterwards, you'll wake up. And you'll talk about it. And everything will be okay.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

what if there's just no one on this earth willing to tolerate it? What if me just being me drives another person to madness?

If that is the case (which I doubt), then you can grow.

You are a human being, not a lump of quartz. You can grow. You can change. You can be a stronger, wiser, better person tomorrow than you are today. And you can KEEP doing that. If that's what you want. If that's what you need in order to get the things you want.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

because on some unconscious level, my own fears were sabotaging me.

Yes.

They are.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

Dating seems particularly nerve wracking,

 

Dating is stupid.

... I don't really have a proposed alternative, but the entire concept seems idiotic to me. Oh well.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

but I have a hard enough time trusting people as it is.

This is fair.

Personally my advice regarding people is "Choose wisely... but be willing to place trust in this choice"......... but I suspect this is advice that "works" for me, but can not be certified for someone else. Plenty of my friends choose to the best of their abilities and I'm sitting there being like "So... pretty sure your boyfriend is married.... its .... its kind of obvious".

... oh well. Whatever.

Not sure I can help with this one. I hear you. Its familiar.

I will say that finding someone who you do trust is kind of nice.

 

2 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

All I know is I do want a relationship, but I'm also terrified of them at the same time. Maybe it's one of those things where the fear won't subside until I just do it.

.... maybe?

*hand wiggles*

different people have different philosophies. 

Personally, I feel like "Just do it" can lead to jumping into a thing with a person who isn't really trusted, or potentially one who isn't trust worthy. Both bring problems.

I don't mean you need 100% certainty... but like... right, I guess my thought is, if you have concerns about how a relationship would go WITH A PARTICULAR PERSON, then listen to those concerns. If you have fear about relationships in general, then yeah, maybe pushing past those is worth doing, if you are thinking about a person where there are no doubts attached to them personally.

 

 

You'll figure it out.

*hugs*.

When you do figure it out, come and tell the rest of us how you did it.

 

[nineGardens]

8 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

 GoT reflects reality. 

 

NOOOooo.

No no no no no.

GoT is a freaky medieval war fantasy, primarily written for tragedy and angst.

[Guest]

@nineGardens Sure, if that's what you want to think.

[Guest]

@RoseGoesToYale I think it's smart to distrust people until they can prove that they are trustworthy. No one deserves your trust automatically. Then, if you get cheated on or something, it's not as much of a shock.

[verymelancholic]

I don’t even understand romantic relationships yet it seems very daunting to me.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Yeah they're scary, sometimes they're painful, sometimes they'll break your heart, but in my solitary experience I wouldn't change it for the world. Admittedly I have no experience in human relationships, but if you're that way inclined I'm sure they're just as fulfilling.

[Homer]

6 hours ago, Marcin said:

Umm, I'm pretty sure this is not how romantic relationships work, there isn't actually much trust there at all, they don't even care to get to know you much, only parts of you they find 'hot', so mostly your genitals.

Romantically attracted person just wants to 'own' you, make you theirs, that was my experience with someone who was attracted to me. They just wanted to have sex with me and marry me, but they didn't even want to be my friend (I was actually naive enough to think they did want to be friends at first, and became pretty depressed when discovered it was not the case at all).

I can't even begin to describe how much I disagree with everything you just said.

 

 

[Skeletonducky]

@RoseGoesToYale the advice I would give to you is the same I give most of my friends: when it's the right person, you'll know. Relationships are scary, and it is terrifying having to be vulnerable; letting someone else have access to your emotions. But when it's right, it will still be scary but they will want to help you through it. They will care about you for all your flaws and your great qualities.

The only thing needed in a relationship is communication and honesty. You need to be able to trust one another, and talk to one another. Let them know when you're feeling anxious, and support them if they're feeling anxious.

you got this 😊

[Custard Cream]

A romantic relationship with another human being who truly accepts and understands you is a marvellous thing.

 

All the things you are worrying about, well, they are rational fears given your inexperience.  But that doesn't mean you should be scared to try it.  In any relationship you will both make mistakes, but thats OK. You cry, you apologise, you forgive, you move on. It's worth it. Honestly, it is.

[Laplace]

I really dislike emotional disclosure, and I’m just a loner by nature so romantic relationships just don’t appeal to me. I also just have a lifetime of experience observing the numerous broken relationships of my relatives and just **** that nonsense. Heck, even my coworkers are like, “You are pristine and undefiled by relationship drama. Don’t bother with that stuff right now.” So I think I’m fine with being aro.

[Guest]

@Homer It is better that you don't say anything because you are seriously lacking empathy for this person and not trying to understand.

[Homer]

1 hour ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Homer It is better that you don't say anything because you are seriously lacking empathy for this person and not trying to understand.

A statement that describes all romantic relationships as abusive and the people involved as merely looking for ways to exploit their partners will never have my support.

 

I don't know if that's what all of the poster's relationships have been like, I don't know if that's what they witnessed happening to someone close to them. I'm nowhere near a position to form a justified opinion on the poster's experiences either way. It would be tragic if this is all the poster ever knew; I have witnessed that as well and it's horrible. I'm not saying that this isn't happening. How widespread that is, now that I don't know. I know some downright fucked up relationships, some that merely exist for convenience, some that are based on genuine love and care for one another. Saying that looking for ways to exploit other people is the main motivator for people to enter a relationship (of any kind!) is a punch in the face of everyone on and outside AVEN who genuinely love their partner(s) and that's something I do not agree with.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Homer It is better that you don't say anything because you are seriously lacking empathy for this person and not trying to understand.

This isn't Marcin's thread... they jumped into an honest, open and vulnerable personal discussion to attack the very concept of romantic relationships and, by virtue, every  person interested in one. How much empathy is required for that, pray tell? 

[RakshaTheCat]

10 hours ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

I think they're not all they're hyped up to be unless you manage to find someone really great. And, uh, good luck with that.

I think you are right here. I'm sure even romantic relationships can be nice, but it seems to be heavily based on luck.
 

2 hours ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Homer It is better that you don't say anything because you are seriously lacking empathy for this person and not trying to understand.

Thanks, don't worry about it though. I've learned that people getting super offended while not offering any arguments usually means there was a lot of truth in what was written. It's just how most people seem to be wired, they will hate you if you cause feeling of cognitive dissonance in their beliefs.

But if what we write will make even one person stop and think if they should unconditionally believe in every hyped thing, it's worth it 😺

[Guest]

@Homer Yeah, they have a wrong perspective. So? Are you saying you have never been wrong about anything? Was there someone around to give you a response that was as annoying as the one you gave to @Marcin? I mean, I'm assuming there was because people often take up the same kinds of bad behaviors that have been directed at them. If so, I doubt you appreciated their insensitivity, but now you're doing exactly what they did to you to someone else.

 

1 hour ago, Skullery Maid said:

This isn't Marcin's thread... they jumped into an honest, open and vulnerable personal discussion to attack the very concept of romantic relationships and, by virtue, every  person interested in one. How much empathy is required for that, pray tell? 

Judging from what they have said, they are someone who has been very hurt and they have developed the perspective they have out of the belief that it will protect them. If you can see how that belief is continuing to cause them suffering, you will see their behavior for what it is and it won't affect you negatively. It doesn't feel good to take offense to things. Also, just because someone attacks doesn't mean they need to be attacked in return.

 

@Marcin It's not that they are wrong that you have a warped view of romantic relationships in general, but they are wrong in how they are treating you for it. You had a negative experience and I understand why you are distrustful of people, but you are making an over-generalization. You are seeing people in a much more negative light than is necessary and it is causing you mental suffering. Not everyone is exactly like the person you were with, there are people out there who want love and connection. Why I am telling you this is for your benefit, not anyone else's. You will feel more at peace when you can accept that things aren't quite as bad as you think.

[nineGardens]

[Snipped]

 

I wrote a thing, but having saw Moon Spirits thing, I think it was more helpful and constructive.

[Homer]

5 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Homer Yeah, they have a wrong perspective. So? Are you saying you have never been wrong about anything? Was there someone around to give you a response that was as annoying as the one you gave to @Marcin? I mean, I'm assuming there was because people often take up the same kinds of bad behaviors that have been directed at them. If so, I doubt you appreciated their insensitivity, but now you're doing exactly what they did to you to someone else. 

I see no point in discussing this further publicly, especially as none of this is related to the topic at hand. My PM box is open.

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Homer Yeah, they have a wrong perspective. So? Are you saying you have never been wrong about anything? Was there someone around to give you a response that was as annoying as the one you gave to @Marcin? I mean, I'm assuming there was because people often take up the same kinds of bad behaviors that have been directed at them. If so, I doubt you appreciated their insensitivity, but now you're doing exactly what they did to you to someone else.

 

I said I'm sorry their ex is an asshole but not everyone is an asshole. 

 

Literally everyone expressed their sorrow for his past. 

 

But. 

 

It's not my job to sit down and tell someone it's just fine to openly insult me by saying all I want to do is manipulate and hurt the people I love. Not my job. 

 

I showed far more kindness than he did. Want to challenge me? We can do quote comparisons. 

[Homer]

Can we all please drop this and get back on track. Thanks.

[Guest]

@Skullery Maid You don't have to tell them what they're saying is fine if you don't truly believe that it is. I don't even think anyone needs to apologize on behalf of their ex; sexuals as a whole are not responsible for the actions of one person who happens to identify as sexual. That's like when a customer thinks an employee of a company is responsible for the company's policies or whatever (which I have experienced a number of times as someone who has worked in customer service), it's irrational. All I meant is I don't think you need to take what they said personally because they weren't targeting anyone specifically. Their bitterness is directed at everyone and that is what makes it illogical. They don't know everyone as an individual. No one knows you as well as you know yourself, so it's better not to take what they say to heart.

 

That's all I have to say, I just wanted to clear things up.

[RakshaTheCat]

8 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

 

@Marcin It's not that they are wrong that you have a warped view of romantic relationships in general, but they are wrong in how they are treating you for it. You had a negative experience and I understand why you are distrustful of people, but you are making an over-generalization. You are seeing people in a much more negative light than is necessary and it is causing you mental suffering. Not everyone is exactly like the person you were with, there are people out there who want love and connection. Why I am telling you this is for your benefit, not anyone else's. You will feel more at peace when you can accept that things aren't quite as bad as you think.

I agree, it's obviously overly general and I definitely focused on negative sides. Idea was that there are always ton of people trying to 'sell' you romantic relationships (kinda like allos are trying to 'sell' you on sex), so I don't really have to provide anything positive in my post.

I'm not sure if I agree about seeing people in negative light being such bad thing. Why do you think that is the case? My reasoning is that most people are detrimental to any kind of enjoyment that I have. It's very rare when they have positive influence on me. There are few exceptions obviously (like you for example, you are actually happy to discuss things, it's super rare and very positive in my view), but most people are completely opposite. If I've been viewing people in more positive light, I would get disappointed most of the time. I don't think it would be beneficial to 'feeling at peace'.