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Is it important to come out as asexual


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I'm not planning on it. Unless someone needs to know, like in a relationship, I don't see why it is their business. A close friend, maybe, if they are worried about your loneliness.

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Unless you want someone to know, I really don't think it's necessary. It's none of their business. If your parents are continually bugging you about settling down and having kids, that might be a good reason, or if you want to get into a relationship.

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Some people say others don't need to know about their (lack of) sexuallity. Others say it feels like hiding away an important part of their identity which can be stressful (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc&feature=youtu.be). There's no need to come out if you don't want to. You also shouldn't come out if it isn't safe!

 

My personal story? I came out to my parents and some friends. I tell friends if they ask but apart from that I try to avoid the topic altogether lest people think I'm weird. I know that at least for some sexuals it is hard to understand how you can not have these feelings. I don't want them to think of me as some kind of robot or prude.

4 minutes ago, BumbleBeee said:

It's none of their business.

Seconded.

 

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As a sexual married to an asexual it is imperative to make your sexuality known to each other from the beginning of the relationship. 

I didn't find out about my SO's asexuality until after she bore me children and then suddenly the tap was turned off.

I'm still with her as I love her but the love I once had that was both physical and mental has changed forever.

 

Just wished she had told me from the onset who she was.

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3 hours ago, Kain gray said:

I don't see why it is necessary to come out and am looking for reasons

I'm sexual so not the best person to answer this, but I think that if you want to come out, it makes as much sense as if you don't. Visibility is good, but it's no one's responsibility to be visible for others against their own comfort. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

The only time you definitely need to come out is in a relationship situation, otherwise it's your decision.

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4 hours ago, Kain gray said:

I don't see why it is necessary to come out and am looking for reasons

I think it's one of those things that you do if it makes you happier. If you feel like you would be happier coming out, then come out. If not, then there's really no reason for you to come out, unless we're talking about coming out to someone you are dating. In that case, it is important to come out to that particular person 

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The only people who have to know are potential partner(s). Other than that, it mainly depends on what your specific goal is in a situation.

 

Is there a specific situation you have in mind?

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letusdeleteouraccounts

It depends on the person. I, personally, hate when people don’t know I’m asexual. They assume I’m straight and conversate around the idea that I’m an everyday teenager actively dating and waiting to get a wife one day. Simple ideas really change the conversation and I’d much prefer if what other said took into account that I’m asexual and aromantic. I try to be subtle about it when the conversation turns to directly asking “do you have a girlfriend?” by saying that I don’t date. Unfortunately it doesn’t work and everyone always responds “that’s smart” or something of the sort. It looks like I’m gonna have to literally say I’m asexual and aromantic

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It's only important when you want to. There's no obligation except for a potential partner. Otherwise if you don't want to tell anyone then you don't have to.

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I've been debating this myself, and agree with most of the posts here. Unless you want to, you don't have to, other than to tell a potential relationship partner. If you feel it's an important part of you that you want others to know about, share! If not, no worries. 

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everywhere and nowhere

I would never feel comfortable with being closeted because I'm proud to be an asexual and a spinster, proud that my lifestyle in issues of sexuality and family is untypical.

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Lovesspyro91

I personally think it depends on the person.  If someone likes you and asks you to be in a relationship with them, you could feel out the relationship and if it doesn't work out just break up. You don't even have to tell them anything, I get it can feel embarrassing. 

 

I don't tell guys that are taking a liking to me that I'm different because I know from the beginning I don't plan on being with them.

 

If you really like someone back as they like you then I don't think it would be a bad thing telling them and if they react negitive then you know they are not the right one for you.

 

But random family and friends really don't have to know.

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AceMissBehaving

Potential partners definitely, but beyond that it’s up to that it depends on how much you typically share with people.

 

I would like to be more out because visibility definitely is important, and because I’ve found keeping everything to myself is honestly exhausting. 

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NickyTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

It would depend on who you would come out to and what you want.
It's important to come out to a romantic partner, for instance, but coming out to friends or family might not be for you.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Peacock Cake,

fzl4xm2uwn8hun6hkl5m.jpg

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Tomatonpine

Depends. I came out to a friend two years ago and, though she was kinda skeptical, she ended up doing a lot of research about asexuality. I'd say it's a question of visibility. Even though it sometimes sucks to have to explain what asexuality is, it's nice to see people try to understand and accept who you are.

 

You obviously don't have to come out to people you don't feel comfortable with.

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I also agree that if you start dating someone it's important at some point to tell them you are asexual. 

 

I think telling friends/family can be very inconvenient and weird but if you know they are the kind of people who would try to understand, it can be a very liberating feeling and might lead to some very enriching conversations.

 

Also I think if you don't feel very inconvenient about it, it can be great to see how people who might never heard of it before are willing to listen and it can be a great feeling to kind of educate people on it and know that the next time they come across an ace person they won't ask any stupid questions or might even further educate others about it.

 

However, as others said it's absolutely not necessary if you don't feel the need to talk about it :)

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  • 4 weeks later...
coelacanthiformes

If you ever get into a serious romantic relationship with someone, it might help to let them know that you're asexual. If they can't accept that, they might not be a good match for you. However, that's the only situation I can think of where it's really important to come out as ace. Also, if friends are talking about sex and you're not comfortable with that, you could tell them that you're asexual and you'd appreciate if they talked about something else.

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Fighting_For_Us

I would tend to agree with what many of the other here are saying - if you're in a relationship with someone it would be good to let them know, that way you're both on the same page as to where the relationship can go.

Other than that, it's up to you my friend! I 'came out' to a few friends once I realized I was ace (which happened very quickly once I'd actually heard the term), and among certain social groups I'll mention it casually if the conversation naturally allows since I'm not too worried about people knowing. That being said none of my family, including extended relatives, know I'm ace. I'm not sure if they'd care or how they'd react, and for me it just doesn't seem like something they "need" to know.

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On 6/24/2019 at 3:02 AM, Apostle said:

As a sexual married to an asexual it is imperative to make your sexuality known to each other from the beginning of the relationship. 

I didn't find out about my SO's asexuality until after she bore me children and then suddenly the tap was turned off.

I'm still with her as I love her but the love I once had that was both physical and mental has changed forever.

 

Just wished she had told me from the onset who she was.

Maybe she didn't know from the onset who she was...? It's difficult for some people to realize their orientation or let go of the idea they can change it, especially when it differs from what society is telling them.

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“Important?” Probably not.

 

”Does it feel liberating?” Absolutely.

 

But yeah, apart from people close to me not many people know, or need to know. That being said, 9 times out of 10 I’ll tell if asked.

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I see the words 'potential partners' and 'serious relationships' get thrown around a lot here, but the problem is, it's not always a clear-cut issue.

There's a thin line between being close friends and being in love. And I would feel incredibly uncomfortable about coming out to a close friend who only might become more than a friend. But conversely, once you're in love it might just be too late to come out, because one of you - or both of you - is/are already emotionally invested.

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5 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

But conversely, once you're in love it might just be too late to come out, because one of you - or both of you - is/are already emotionally invested.

It is late, but you should still do it.  What good would it be to not tell someone and go through the difficulties that we see every day on AVEN? 

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KoiFishShoes

.

Edited by koifishshoes
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6 hours ago, Sally said:

It is late, but you should still do it.  What good would it be to not tell someone and go through the difficulties that we see every day on AVEN? 

Alright, I should have put that differently.

I don't disagree with you, Sally, at least theoretically.

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13 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

But conversely, once you're in love it might just be too late to come out, because one of you - or both of you - is/are already emotionally invested.

Exactly. And there lies the big problem and possibly the elephant in the room for most sexual/asexual partnerships.

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Winged Whisperer
14 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

There's a thin line between being close friends and being in love.

No it really isn't, at least not for the vast majority of people. Meaning it's pretty obvious if you're just close friends or are romantically in love. Sure a lot of people fall in love with their close friends over time, or some people need to be friends before starting a relationship, but even in those cases it's usually clear where the line is.

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AceMissBehaving
14 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

I see the words 'potential partners' and 'serious relationships' get thrown around a lot here, but the problem is, it's not always a clear-cut issue.

There's a thin line between being close friends and being in love. And I would feel incredibly uncomfortable about coming out to a close friend who only might become more than a friend. But conversely, once you're in love it might just be too late to come out, because one of you - or both of you - is/are already emotionally invested.

There is a point where one starts tipping over into the other. Once things start moving into the more than friends territory it’s probably time to speak up.

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