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Understanding My Pronouns?


Clockwork Crow

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Clockwork Crow

I understand that gender experiences are different for everyone, and, ultimately, it is up to oneself to decide what labels and language works for them surrounding their gender, and that this language can even change day by day. 

 

Generally speaking, I see gender as something that doesn't concern me too much: I would much prefer that people see my characteristics and my behaviour rather than my gender, but in this day and age, that is almost impossible. I don't experience body dysphoria, but I definitely experience social dysphoria, if that makes any sense? I don't feel comfortable when I'm with a group of other young women or with my sisters and my mother and when they refer to the group as "us girls" or wish to do "girl things". It puts me into a bit of a panic and there are some days where I just feel completely genderless (I have oft used grey-gender to describe my gender) and would like to be treated as such. Another factor in this genderlessness could likely be attributed to the way I function. For the most part, my time is spent at home taking courses and learning new things: I dwell almost entirely in my brain and spend most of my time in thought, which is an activity that is innately genderless. So, when I am thrust into situations that focus entirely on external gender and gender presentation, I feel largely out of place and upset that I'm forced into traditionally feminine activities when I really, really don't want to be. To be clear, the discomfort and anxiety I experience when this happens far extends beyond me just not being interested in feminine activities/being a tomboy: the anxiety and just overall gross feeling seems to me unhealthy.

 

But, in order for people to address me in a fitting manner, I understand that I need to communicate. I have been considering telling people to please use they/them pronouns instead of she/her pronouns when referring to me, but after nineteen years of being called she/her it feels somewhat strange. There is certainly a huge relief that comes from thinking about being called by gender neutral pronouns, but also a bit of a foreign... something that just doesn't feel quite right. If there are folks out there who use gender neutral pronouns, would you mind letting me know if you had to "get used" to using gender neutral pronouns? Did it feel a little weird at first, especially with friends/family who knew you for a long time? I'd easily be able to ask for they/them pronouns with strangers since they do not know the full extent of my character, but it feels strange asking my family to do the same when they are fully aware of who I am as a person outside of my gender. 

 

So, sorry for the little rant, I just couldn't find any satisfactory answers to my questions on google and thought I'd ask if anyone feels comfortable sharing their experiences with this. :)

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I myself do not use they/them pronouns, but my good friend does. They too were kind of nervous about asking for people to use they/them, and sometimes one of our friends will be make a deal of it but the rest of us just use their pronouns and from my observation they are a lot happier. I’ve known them for almost six years now and it admittedly took a bit for me to automatically use they/them, but after that it it just seems natural. 

 

On thinking that that using different pronouns might feel a bit strange like you said simply because you’re not as used to going by them? I think at one point the same friend I mentioned before brought up how they were unsure if they/them were right because it felt a tad strange but after a while they got more comfortable and content with it. And to relay what I said before they do seem happier. You can see the small shifts in their movements and attitude, which is pretty cool to see

 

Anyway thats my input! Unfortunately it’s from an outside perspective so I’m not sure if it’ll help at all but I wish you luck with whatever you decide :0 

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Clockwork Crow

Yes, your reply is very helpful! Thank you for sharing! A lot of the strange feelings I have concerning they/them pronouns would have a lot to do with just not being used to them, and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has felt this. 

 

I'm also glad to hear that your friend seems happier! It would take lots of time to get used to using they/them pronouns for someone, especially someone you've known for a long time, so I can understand that it'll be a process.

 

Thanks again for replying! :)

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I don't use they/them pronouns with other people (only when telling stories about myself in the third person). But I know the getting used a new pronoun. It was really strange when I started using he/him pronouns. There were some awkward tension when my friends who knew me for awhile started using he/him. It was like none of us knew if these pronouns were correct or not. But eventually, I found myself getting used to it and getting increasingly uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. I think talking to your family would be worth it. I never truly discussed it with most of my family. (I mainly just let them assume my pronouns based off my trans guy identity).

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On 6/24/2019 at 2:34 PM, Clockwork Crow said:

Yes, your reply is very helpful! Thank you for sharing! A lot of the strange feelings I have concerning they/them pronouns would have a lot to do with just not being used to them, and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has felt this. 

 

I'm also glad to hear that your friend seems happier! It would take lots of time to get used to using they/them pronouns for someone, especially someone you've known for a long time, so I can understand that it'll be a process.

 

Thanks again for replying! :)

Awh I’m glad I could help! And yeah, it’s really nice to see that they’re more easygoing and comfortable now for sure...and they’ve been trying out they/them pronouns for quite a few months now so yeah I think it’s a process for sure ;) Happy to share what I’ve experienced with my friend if it helps others. Have a great day!

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