dehjahvoo Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Sorry for the wall of text in advance. I don't have anyone I can talk this out with right now, so dumping it here. Mods, if this is the wrong place, feel free to move! I'm very new here. I don't know why I didn't think to dig into the internet for support or thoughts about questioning my sexuality. I guess I just have always put myself in the box of straight female because it's just presented as the default? Sorry - I feel very all over the place. As though actually applying the label of asexual to myself is absolutely terrifying me but also feels like the best and most right realization in a while? I'm in my mid-30s, been with my husband for almost 12 years, married 7. I love him deeply. But sex? Just has never, ever really appealed to me. Backing up. Going to try to articulate this so maybe someone can tell me if I'm even in the right space. Grew up in a very religious family. To be anything other than straight was a sin, Had a crush on one boy in my church, but looking back it was more of a crush because he was actually nice and talked to me. In middle school, I remember a friend asking me if I'd heard about masturbation yet. I hadn't, and didn't have an interest at all - tried it for the first time when I was, maybe 19 or 20, and didn't see the appeal. Had a habit of developing romantic feelings for my close female friends the more time we spent together, especially in late high school/college. The romantic feelings were more focused on daydreams about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them, and to cuddle up and watch a movie together and just be close. Felt immensely confused and for many years thought I might be gay, or bisexual, because I'd have those daydreams about close male friends, too, but kept dismissing it because the thought of sex with a woman wasn't appealing to me at all. In college, started to date for the first time, ended up in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who would consistently cheat on me every 6-8 months or so, then come back a couple months later. My self-esteem was pretty abysmal at that point, and my thought process was that there was something wrong with me because I didn't swoon over other people all the time. Pile onto that some pretty hefty medical complications, and I had a mindset that I was broken and clearly he was the only person who would ever love me, so might as well tolerate his behaviors. We had sex, not often but not rarely, but it was never the part that mattered to me. I didn't hate it and wasn't repulsed by it, but it wasn't something appealing. Started to really wonder if I was bi since sex with a man wasn't appealing much, but I could manage it, so maybe I just had to try sex with a woman. Never had the opportunity, but I suspect I'd feel the same way about it as sex with a man, "Eh - whatever." Met my now husband while I was in college, we'd remained friends after and eventually he made it known he was interested in a relationship. We had sex, but I wasn't the one initiating and more just felt like going along because sex is what people in relationships do to show they care, right? Again, I don't hate sex or am not repulsed by it, it's just....not interesting? Appealing? I do like the physical closeness of the before and after, so sex just always seemed like the transactional cost to pay to reach that extra cuddle time. Fortunately he has always been kind and understanding of my awkwardness with sex in our relationship. For most of our time together I attributed my weirdness to my low self-esteem and religious upbringing. It's hard to get the thoughts of sex = sin out of my head. He understands that if he would like sexual intimacy, he needs to initiate and I'll go along (usually lol), because I'm never interested in initiating. We have huge ebbs and flows in the sexual side of our relationship. He struggles with some mental health challenges of his own, so when he doesn't initiate, we don't, which is totally cool in my book, and sometimes that is months or I think as long as 1.5 years once. Before we reached that point, I broke down and cried with him once, apologizing for not wanting to pursue sex, feeling like a crappy wife, worrying that he would feel the need to fulfill his needs elsewhere, etc. In the midst of our talk, he jokingly said I was like a panda bear, apathetic about sex. We've turned this into a gentle way to address my mehness for sex, which helps. Last summer, I was on a road trip with an extended family member who I can be a little more open with, and we were lamenting our past relationships and patterns, etc. She is super sexually motivated, always has been, and it works for her. She loves sex, and is open in talking about that. At one point she laughed and said that maybe I was asexual based on what I'd shared. That was the first time I even considered that what I'd felt all this time could be actually a thing, and not just me being broken somehow. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this giant wall of text. I'm confused, and oddly a little scared? I know I'm the only one that can ultimately decide if asexuality is the right "label", and I know I don't have to label myself either. There's a part of me that thinks it fits, and wants to shout it from the rooftops because it makes so much SENSE to me now. I'm not broken, or damaged, or messed up just because I don't want sex! But there's a bigger part of me that knows I won't be able to say anything because the backlash I'd get from friends and family would be devastating, and I don't think I'm ready to open myself up to that. I don't know if I'm even ready to tell my husband that I think what's up with me has a name. We're making it work, so would naming it help? But then the past three nights I've sat and read the forums on my phone, read others' stories, and just cried because it feels right, like this fits, and keeping it secret even from him is denying a part of what makes me me. If anyone is up to talking, please let me know. Just feeling pretty alone in this thought process right now. I figured I could at least post my intro here to start. And if you made it this far, thanks for actually reading my garble. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Welcome to AVEN and thanks for sharing your story! 🎂 I’m also in my mid-30s and relate to a lot of what you wrote. I’m sure you’ll find many others here relating too. I’m more than happy to chat over private message or here if you prefer 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
- Saph - Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Hello! First of all, welcome to AVEN, a great TeaRoom with plenty of delicious cake. Your long post was certainly necessary for you - and for us to get to know you. The 'panda' part was so cute that I couldn't resist. I hope that you will be able to find some help here to figure things out. Asexuality and aromanticism are spectra so you can probably find your place here. If not, there are also sexuals lurking on this forum. Look back at your life. What did you really want to do? What felt right? What did you do under pressure? What do you want to do from now on? I am a greyish 30+ old maid so I can't really provide valid relationship advice. I am libidoist (unless poisonned by hormones or melancoly) but I don't want to have sex with another person. Here the 'no sex without love' family principles were ingrained quite deeply in me. No luck I am 99% aromantic. The reason that I identify as greysexual is because some of my fantasies and lucid dreams with people I know are sexual. So there may be some room for a change here... Until I meet with the Reaper I will be waiting for an unicorn and have tea with my friends. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
dehjahvoo Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 Iam9man, thank you for the welcome and for reading my story. 🙂 I confess, I'm not even sure where to start when saying I wanted to talk to someone. It does make me feel better to hear that you can relate to at least some of it. That's been the biggest help for me so far here. All this time I thought I was just messed up and alone. But it turns out there's other people who feel this way maybe? So that's reassuring! Saphoune, I adore that cake! I laughed out loud as soon as I saw it, it is perfect. To your questions, looking back, having sex has always been something that I did under pressure, whether pressure from myself that it is what people are supposed to do, or pressure from partners that sex is part of a relationship. Like I said, I don't feel repulsed by sex, but if my husband and I never had sex again for the rest of our lives, I would have zero problem with that. It would take a lot of the pressure I put on myself to be sexual away, and probably improve our relationship in ways. It wouldn't change how much I love him and my commitment to him. But I also recognize that he is definitely sexual, and it's not fair for me to ask him to change for me, at least I don't think so. I think I have a lot of reading and thinking to do to learn more about the spectrum and where I might fit. Thank you for sharing and welcoming me! 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Amcan Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Hello and Welcome. Have some Thank you for taking the time to type out your story. I hope putting it words did help in a way. You are in a good place for figuring things out. I hope AVEN useful and supportive in your situation. Don't feel a pressure to define yourself but take your time and if a label fits and helps then use it. Link to post Share on other sites
dehjahvoo Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 Thank you for listening, Amcan. 🙂 It did help to get at least some of it typed out. It's been running around inside my head nonstop the past few days, and it needed to go somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Welcome! Well, the most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. The fact of the matter is, I’m sure your husband will be happy that you’ve found other people in the same situation you’re in to talk to, so that you feel less alone. He sounds like a lovely guy, and you seem to have already worked out the sex side of things, so in that sense nothing has to change unless you want it to - you’ve just found some like-minded internet friends Link to post Share on other sites
dehjahvoo Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 I truly hope you're right! He is wonderful, and he tolerates my awkwardness to no end. I guess I worry that, while we've worked out something that's mostly working for us, I don't know how long it is going to last, and I think I'm going to have to have some very honest conversations with him in the future. I think before then, I need to figure myself out a bit more. Maybe that's why I feel some relief at finding connection to being asexual, but also feel internal pressure to get the "labels" right so that I can learn, and eventually talk to him about all of this very frankly and openly. Also, I love the panda cake!!! 😃 Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Welcome dehjahvoo, thanks for sharing. I remember a writer doing an article on what length novels should be. His conclusion was the story should decide the length, not length decide the story. So take all the space you need to say and express hoevyou are feeling, we're here and I hope the forum can be helpful to you While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here). I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful: A brief guide to the forums Welcome Lounge mini-manual Asexuality FAQ Welcoming other members Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here Link to post Share on other sites
dehjahvoo Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 Thank you, iff! I really do appreciate the space to share. It means the world right now. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 @dehjahvoo A belated welcome to AVEN! Your apprehensiveness about coming out is something that I've felt as well. I also come from a very religious family, though I'm not religious, and it took me about 20 years to gain the confidence to come out as Asexual to my Dad this year, I'm 34. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what's best. All I do know is you will have to come out eventually to at least your husband, but how and when that is will be up to you. I wish you luck. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here are some Panda Vacation Cupcakes, Link to post Share on other sites
dehjahvoo Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 On 6/25/2019 at 1:36 PM, MichaelTannock said: Your apprehensiveness about coming out is something that I've felt as well. I also come from a very religious family, though I'm not religious, and it took me about 20 years to gain the confidence to come out as Asexual to my Dad this year, I'm 34. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what's best. All I do know is you will have to come out eventually to at least your husband, but how and when that is will be up to you. I wish you luck. Thank you for the warm welcome! It's nice to hear someone else has struggled with those feelings as well. The more I'm thinking about it, on the more than I am leaning towards keeping everything my business, except of course to my husband. I'm not quite ready to come out to him yet, as I'm still figuring things out, but he will be the first one to really know, and probably the only one. Love the panda cake! 😁 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.