What was it like growing up trans?

[Guest]

I just got back from a family trip. Now, we've all suspected my nephew of being some version of queer since he was 2 years old. He just turned 7. He and I had a talk about gender stuff... It was a tiny little talk, the point wasn't gender but it just sort of came up, and in general there's a lot of guessing about whether he's maybe transgender. 

 

So, I want to hear your stories. What was it like? How closely did you fit in with your assigned gender? What do you wish people had said and done for you? How early did you know? Just... Experiences. I'm interested in all experiences. I'm interested in the little ways you tried to communicate this issue with others when you were young. 

 

I'll post about my convo with him later as well, because I don't know how to take some of it and I'm curious to get other perspectives, but first, stories?? 

 

Thank you everyone! 

[Kimmie.]

That is so great of you to care so much about your nephew. 

 

I personally realized it really late around 3 years ago. It was on this forum when if finally clicked everything made so much more sense.  I have not transitioned yet but I really hope that i will find the courage to finally take that step. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

That is so great of you to care so much about your nephew. 

 

I personally realized it really late around 3 years ago. It was on this forum when if finally clicked everything made so much more sense.  I have not transitioned yet but I really hope that i will find the courage to finally take that step. 

In your opinion... This is such a hard concept to put into words, but... Were there things your family and friends could have noticed but didn't, or were you just totally cis-presenting? Were you always aware of how you're supposed to act? 

 

My nephew feels shame and he's only 7 and that's the part that distressing me. He was talking about being embarrassed and hiding all his behaviors whenever his parents have friends over.

 

EDIT: Oh and he told me he has to stop doing girl things when he's in middle school because "I don't want to be one of those people." 

 

So, this kid is being shamed. 

[Kimmie.]

Well I guess we could say that I was totally cis-presenting, i still kind of am around people. But there isn't one day when I am not wishing that I was born female. And when I think about it i have these feelings and thought since my early teens. I am not really the dress lover kind of girl i guess I am more tomboyish. And to act i don't know i am not really good in social interactions i don't know if it is connected to my low self-esteem and all of this. 

 

That is so sad that he feels that way. 

 

Sorry that I can't help you that much,  someone that realized/ did know earlier than me will hopefully answer you. I mean i will turn 31 this year and I finally realized what was "wrong"  with me when I was 28. So I am not the best one to answer your questions. Sorry. 

[Guest]

No apologies!! Your experience is just as helpful. 

 

Also, I love that you're tomboyish. Girl comes in so many different varieties, I love seeing that variety expressed in the trans community. I think that's important too. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

TW: Suicidal thoughts

Spoiler

 

When I was young I demanded to be called a boy, I always sided with boys and would only wear boys clothes (though I was at times forced to wear dresses and skirts which has made me hate them to this day). As I grew older people stopped 'humouring' me so I tried to force myself into the 'I have 'these' parts so I must be female'. I became transphobic out of pain and jealousy, feeling as though I had to put up with it so so did everyone else; it never occurred to me most people actually felt comfortable in their AGAB. Puberty was a fucking nightmare, I entered a deep pit of depression that to this day I've never got out of.

 

It was only when I joined AVEN I learnt genitals and gender weren't always connected, at the ripe age of 20? I'd been pretending so long I felt as though I'd wasted so much, put myself through literal hell, just to placate others. In my situation, especially with forced gender-conforming childhood abuse, growing up trans was something I almost didn't survive. If I can give you one piece of advice it is listen to your nibling, always support them, and keep a close eye on their mental state. My father had no idea I was very near to taking my own life, and still has no idea the only one who stopped me was Clutch, because he was there for me.

 

 

[Guest]

@Anthracite_Impreza_ so the internalized transphobia is one of the things I'm worried about. This is my nephew, my brother's kid. I'm 100% sure my brother is the one shaming him. I've heard from my stepmom that my brother is very uncomfortable with all of it. My nephew likes to do his makeup with grandma, but my brother won't allow it.

 

I told my nephew to leave his nails painted! He said he took it off because he was afraid grandma (my mom) would be mad at him because he's not a girl. I said she wouldn't be. He said his other grandma tells him to wear it over there... He said "grandma and Ken say to keep it on and I'm like REALLY!?" and he was sooo excited about that. 

 

So I need to talk to my brother about what he's saying to his kid, but I don't know what to say right now. I talked to my nephew and told him that he has to be happy, and that anyone who cares about him will think he's cool as hell and that I think he's cool. I just don't know what to do exactly. 

[Captain_Tass]

@Skullery Maid

 

I'm agender (AFAB), here's my input

 

When I was a kid I was what people would describe as a tomboy. I didn't like media made for little girls, I behaved like a little boy, whenever my grandparents tried to force me into a feminine gender role (the whole "Girls don't sit and talk like that" BS) I immediately rejected it, I related to male characters such as avatar Aang or gender non conforming girls such as Toph (both from Avatar: the last airbender), almost all my friends were boys, I was into football and reading and anatomy...

 

...and I was obsessed with dogs. In preschool, kids would have these mock weddings to each other and I would stand aside and be the "wedding dog" whenever I participated in the wedding. I always said I wanted to be a dog when I grew up and made up stories where all the characters were dogs. The catch? I subconsciously never saw the dogs as having a gender. They all had he/him pronouns (there's no they/them in my native language and the word "dog" is masculine) but they weren't guys. Nor girls. They were just dogs.

 

My (male) friends didn't see me as a girl. They saw me as one of them. When I was in fourth grade, a friend of mine held a birthday party and invited all the boys and me. His reasoning? "She's not a girl, she's one of us." I would tie my hair back because I thought I looked like a boy that way and happily went on with my life, not caring about my gender. In hindsight, I was a happy kid and I never saw myself as a girl.

 

Up until fifth grade when some of the boys hit puberty and started avoiding me like the plague. (Note: I had already hit puberty but somehow I hadn't realised it until it was over some two years later, don't ask me how, I don't know.) And this made me feel like crap, because I was still me.

 

As for my relationship with my assigned gender: Have you ever heard of a french movie called "Guillaume et les garçons, à table!" (Boys and Guillaume, come at the table!)? Well, it was sort of like "Girls, boys and Zoë Hugo, come at the table!" for me. Basically, I have no gender. None of my actions or hobbies are gendered to me. One of my names (assigned) is feminine and the other (chosen) is masculine so they cancel each other out in terms of gender. I get along better with girls right now, but that's just because I'm 16 and sapphic and I have only one guy friend from school because the rest avoid girls (and by extension me) unless they're popular and/or they have romantic/sexual intentions towards them.

 

I'm sorry if my reply is sort of a mess, I hope I helped somehow. I think it's great how much you care about your nibling! (Gender neutral version of nephew/niece until further notice)

[Guest]

Ohhhhhh thank you for the clarification on nibling 😂 I've never heard that before. 

 

Yeah, he only identifies with girls. He's growing his hair out like rapunzel, he can do all the Katy Perry dances, he wears scarves around the house like his teacher... yeah. Also he's obsessed with dogs and space but like, who isn't. 😂

[Homer]

19 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

Sorry that I can't help you that much,  someone that realized/ did know earlier than me will hopefully answer you. I mean i will turn 31 this year and I finally realized what was "wrong"  with me when I was 28.

Hm. Did you always feel "off" and this realisation at 28 made you connect the dots and put a name to it, or did you just assume that whatever you felt was "normal/average/whatevs" and then realised hey, that's me and this is not what everyone experiences?

 

@Skullery Maid What did 2yo nephew do that made folks think that there's some queer stuff going on?

 

As someone who doesn't know jack shit about gender, this is an interesting topic.

[Guest]

@Homer_ Well, this is why I'm not talking to my brother yet, I want to make sure I'm not projecting! But he was just always very effeminate and always interested in mom's stuff, not dad's stuff. Even at 2.

[Guest]

To add another element of confusion... My brother was very effeminate as a kid and got bullied for it. So there's that. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Definitely find out where they're learning this from because internalised transphobia is an insidious bastard and it can be fatal. I know I keep pushing at that, but it really can. Both me and my trans male friend have been suicidal, he actually attempted it, and that was with a fairly supportive family on his side.

[Captain_Tass]

He sounds absolutely adorable to be honest! My advice as a nonbinary person is to let him grow up in an environment where he's free to be as gender non-conforming as he wishes without fear and freely explore his gender identity. Him being with his grandma is a very good thing for him, but I think that your brother does need a bit of a talking to. I wish you the best of luck!

 

1 minute ago, Skullery Maid said:

To add another element of confusion... My brother was very effeminate as a kid and got bullied for it. So there's that. 

 

Oh... Then the issue is that he's trying to shield the kid from bullies, but he's ultimately doing way more harm than good without realising it.

[Guest]

Oh yes totally agreed. 

[Kimmie.]

7 minutes ago, Homer said:

or did you just assume that whatever you felt was "normal/average/whatevs" and then realised hey, that's me and this is not what everyone experiences?

This one i guess.  I guess I was to stubborn to realize what I was actually going on in my head. And to be honest I think I did know way before I got here. 

[Bloc]

My story is different. I don't remember not identifying with my assigned gender as a child or adolescent. However I remember fantasizing about how great it would be not having a penis in early puberty, but I never told anyone as it was no option I believed to be possible. However I had problems connecting with the boys of my age as I was different and I was bullied for it. So I tried to emulate what I saw from others seen as masculine. In late puberty I found it easier to connect to the girls in class then to most boys. Having internalized that relationships between boys and girl are all based on sex and romance, I didn't follow this outside of classroom. I only felt not being manly enough. During my youth trans women were only a punchline or portrayed as perverted or mentally ill and trans men were invisible and non-binary people totally unthinkable. I don't know if real exposure to trans people would have helped me to realize that I am non-binary earlier than being over 30 years old. But having internalized all the transhostility contributed to dismissing even the possibility I might not be cis.

[Bloc]

1 minute ago, Bloc said:

However I had problems connecting with the boys of my age as I was different and I was bullied for it.

 

32 minutes ago, Homer said:

Hm. Did you always feel "off" and this realisation at 28 made you connect the dots and put a name to it, or did you just assume that whatever you felt was "normal/average/whatevs" and then realised hey, that's me and this is not what everyone experiences?

I would say both is true for me. I thought everyone is play the gender roles like in a theater play because it is expected of them and me feeling off was just me being bad at playing it.

[daveb]

My experience may not be relevant as I don't call myself trans and my childhood was a long time ago (back in the dark ages). But I can remember wanting to wear girl's clothes as far back as I can remember (early elementary school I believe). But I also knew it wouldn't do to let anyone know. My dad was a typical "manly man" of that era. I'm sure he would have given me holy hell (he was bad enough just for me being into books and art). And my older brother followed in his footsteps. My mom and sisters might have been more open-minded about it. But I didn't dare tell anyone or take any chances. I don't think anyone suspected, and no one I have come out to since then has given me any indication that they had any idea about it, so I guess I didn't give any indications that might have lead anyone to talk to me about it back then. If someone had figured it out I think I would have loved it if they showed support, helped me with clothes and stuff, and generally looked after me (especially in case anyone like my dad found out). I think with shame and guilt being taught to the kid it's important to have people countering that, showing love and support and letting the kid know they can always come to you. 

 

The guilt and shame is terrible and anything that can be done to help alleviate that in a loving way is worth its weight in gold (well, actually worth much more than that).

 

(getting a little misty-eyed thinking about this - I can't tell you how much it would have meant to me back then to have some people to support me)

[Morgan123]

I always knew that something didn’t fit. I never liked the “girly” things I was supposed to. I didn’t understand why people treated me differently to boys and expected me to behave “like a girl” (who comes up with this sexist bullshit anyway?) 

 

I was always scared of puberty- I was convinced that I would never have children. I was terrified of having boobs. I hated my body from a really early age.

 

I guess I realised I was trans pretty late as I didn’t even know non-binary was a thing until really recently, and LGBTQ+ didn’t exist in my area growing up (thanks for nothing, society). 

 

I had eating problems as I wanted an androgynous body (although I didn’t realise the cause at the time). Bad things happened. It was a dark time. It still is. Some things I would never wish on anyone.

 

I used to look in the mirror but I honestly did not recognise the reflection. I kept wondering, “Is that really me? I don’t know this person.”

 

As a teenager, I was told I would grow out of it and be girly and interested in boys (ha, gay). I tried to wear dresses. I tried to act like everyone else. But I never could manage it somehow- I always did everything wrong, or said the wrong things, or dressed in the wrong way. 

 

Then I thought, “Who am I kidding? This isn’t me.” It wasn’t until a while after I realised I was most certainly not straight (that’s a story for another time) before I started questioning my gender.

 

I initially thought I was a demigirl but it didn’t fit- then I realised that I had assumed that I was part girl. Once I had got over the assumptions and strict gender roles I had been taught (work in progress) I realised that I was never a girl and I never had to be. 

 

I always worried that I wasn’t trans as you hear lots of stories about people realising very young. But I never had the vocabulary to describe how I was feeling and I never realised that what I was feeling wasn’t what most cis people felt.

 

I still get frustrated that my clothes accentuate my feminine features. I still get frustrated about being called Miss. But at least now I know I’m not a freak- I know where I stand. And I keep telling myself that soon, I can transition and finally see my true self in the mirror.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Back then, there wasn't even a name for it. I grew up thinking I was the only one in the world and that I was going straight to hell. I put messages to a future generation in bottles and buried them in the cornfields of the family farm. I used to die everytime the old man got out the hair clippers, knowing that 'here comes another buzz cut' to make me look like more of a freak. Bullied, beat up, living in my own little world of books and things I'd invent and/or make, those being the only escape.

 

When people minimize the 'trapped' feeling as somehow appropriation or delusion? No. It felt like being trapped.

[no-longer-in-use]

I was actually pretty feminine as a young child. I liked dresses, dolls, and all that stuff. When I got to around 4th grade, though, I started dressing more masculine and rejecting femininity. My friend (he's out as a trans guy now) and I would wear masculine clothes and talk about how being feminine was lame. I thought of myself as a tomboy. After a couple of years, I grew out of that attitude and went back to presenting somewhat feminine. But even though I didn't have crippling dysphoria, I always felt a little bit off. After puberty started, wearing tight shirts made me uncomfortable, though I couldn't put my finger on why. I didn't have any other dysphoria, though, probably because I never thought about gender long enough for the realization that I didn't like being a girl to surface.

 

I remember once in sixth grade, we were learning about gender in school and we were told to plot our gender identity on a line from male to female. I said I was 80% female and 20% not. I think it never occurred to me that being trans was a thing I could be, so I never considered it. I also didn't believe in being nonbinary for a while, so that kept me from identifying as it.

 

Fast forward to about a year ago, I had an moment where I was like "Wait... what if I'm not cis?" I identified as a demigirl for a little while, then I was like "Nope, I'm cis." A couple months later the questioning came back and I suddenly started feeling socially and (more) physically dysphoric. I realized I was probably trans and nonbinary, but it took me several months to accept it. I have occasional doubts even now, and I'm still not 100% sure of my specific gender label.

 

So, yeah, that's basically the story. I am still "growing up trans" in a sense because I'm currently a teenager. It's kind of interesting that I went from being totally sure I was cis to coming out to everyone as nonbinary and even starting to think about medically transitioning in less than a year, but, here I am. It all just kind of happened quickly.

[Starbogen]

I didn't figure out I was trans until I was 18-19 and learned more about what being trans really meant and reached a point where I felt able to experiment with presentation and pronouns and all that.

 

When I was little I mostly considered myself a "weird 'girl'" because I thought I had to be a girl since that was what my body was, but I didn't feel like I fit in with girls or with the concept of girlhood. So in a way I've felt queer in some way my whole life but just didn't have the words or knowledge to understand and express it. Some possible signs though, aside from that general feeling of being "not like them", were that I refused female presentation as soon as I was old enough to recognize my parents wanted to put me in dresses because I was a "girl" and dresses were a thing only girls wore. Later on I also rejected things like earrings and other jewelry and stuff in general that was seen as feminine accesories. I hated pink and makeup and and things like that, except I didn't really, deep down. The point I'm making here is that supposedly disliking those things didn't mean I wasn't female, but that my insistance over disliking anything associated with femininity and femaleness (even if it turned out I didn't actually dislike all those things) was a hint that I didn't want to be seen as female, so I tried to distance myself from things related to femininity. 

 

More importantly, I also always rejected female roles. Not just gender stereotypes and gender roles, which have nothing to do with what gender one is, but stuff like the idea of being a "wife" or "mother" or anything like that in the future. I thought it was just because I didn't want to get married or have kids, but once I started figuring out my gender I realized that, while I still don't want to get married or have kids, the hypothetical idea of being a "husband" or "father" doesn't make me feel extremely uncomfortable and disturbed like the alternatives did. 

 

Another thing was how I felt about puberty in comparisson to other afab kids. I don't remember necessarily dreading it or anything despite knowing what would happen, but I remember that when it did happen I felt sort of.. ashamed and sad. And I couldn't understand why people were talking about it like it was something to be excited about and proud of. I've hated everything female puberty did to me since it happened. 

 

And idk, I guess that kind of all the relevant stuff I can think of from my childhood/early teens, anything else probably just came later the more uncomfortable I felt with living as female and with the expectation of becoming a "woman", until I eventually started questioning things and slowly figured it out.

 

I'd say the biggest thing was probably how much I always insisted on not wanting to have any female titles or roles ever. I wasn't the kind of kid who said "I'm a boy" or even "I'm not a girl" but some other stuff I said clearly meant "I don't want to be regarded as female. I don't want to turn into a woman. It feels wrong." 

[Just Somebody]

I think it's really important to create an environment where kids are comfortable to talk to adults they trust, who should be willing to listen, I never really had any serious conversations with my parents about gender and sex,  I still don't talk about it with my dad as he still have a hard time to understand women's issues with my mom.

 

 

It's really important for Youngs to get information from people they can trust before they get informed though other ways , like how I was,  I had sex education in school (what wasn't ideal though as I still had bitter feeling about gender and sex) and later on I'm glad I had the Internet to tell me everything, big thanks to 21th century, but many people don't have the same lucky, if I hadn't had the Internet I don't know where would I be now , for a lot of reasons, my journey of self discovery being one of them.

 

 

 

It's kinda funny that, before knowing,  I always had an gender non-conforming  expression since very young,  I always had gnc mannerisms and atitudes and I was and still very androgynous or genderqueer,  it's actually funny that the kids that studied with me readed me as not a girl nor a boy even before I recognize myself as Transgender or non-binary,  and I was bullied for that and for tons of other reasons (yeah,  kids can be very mean and picky ).

 

 

 

 

I didn't hate everything about puberty, I just never dreamt of myself as growing up to be like my dad or like my mom,  nor dreamt of getting married or growing a family,  I kinda knew I would deal with loneliness in my life since a kid, but that doesn't bother me anymore as It did when I was younger.

 

 

 

I wish I was less emotional when I was young as I am now, everything felt like the end of the world back then, especially when I look back then, if I knew what I know and had all figured out as I lived I wouldn't have been so wrecked, but that's not how life works.

 

 

 

I never told anyone how I felt when I was a kid, I had internalized sexism , transphobia and homophobia back then, so did and still do my parents. Always felt unmotivated to let people think I'm more crazy and ended up being more lonely. I always felt scared before coming out to my mom that if I came out to my parents they wouldn't understand and would disown me or expell me or ground me somehow like I always heard stories about other queer people since a child have went , specially in TV, could have happened to me.

 

 

 

 

Maybe your nephew is just a gender non-conforming (gnc) cis-boy, both me and my mom were when kids , my dad even thought my mom was a lil boy when they met as kids... but me and my mom had different paths, she is a feminine cisgender woman who I belive is straight and I'm, on the other hand, a genderqueer non-binary Transgender who is ace.

[Ms. Carolynne]

While I didn't realize I was trans until I was 22, I certainly had related thoughts and feelings since my earliest memories. When I was younger though, I think it was more social dysphoria, and gender roles have always been a huge issue for me. I didn't have much physical dysphoria until I hit puberty and it just kind of got worse as I matured, however I have always felt I would've rather been born female.

 

When I was a kid I was definitely gender non-conforming. I gravitated towards stuff intended for girls, had a girly haircut, related more to girls, and hung out with girls. I still liked some "boy" things, but I liked the things girls had as well. This is something I got bullied for a lot, both by my older brothers and my peers. The adults in my life didn't support me either, they weren't cruel like the other kids were, but they were complicit and believed it was wrong for me to be like a girl. I essentially wanted to be one of the girls, but was not allowed this.

 

In the process I was exposed to misogyny and transphobia, getting called things like "sissy" and "shemale", and my brothers tried "explaining" things like the difference between boys and girls (as if I were an idiot, it involved the basic biology stuff) and what a "tranny" was. Being young and not knowing any better, without a solid grasp of the concepts of gender and dyshporia, I internalized a lot of this. I grew to believe that femininity and wanting to be a girl were inherently wrong things to want, despite how I really felt about the matter.

 

As I grew older I never did quite fit in, and would get frustrated with the expectations and assumptions towards me being regarded as male. I behaved relatively gender conforming, but there were idiosyncrasies and at times these stood out. Compounded with my asexuality, I received a lot of bullying in junior high and high school in the form of homophobia and some transphobia as well. I also still got along better with girls, even though my main friend group of outcasts was mostly male.

 

One notable example from junior high was when I was taking drama. The class was female by a vast majority, and the way I fit in the social dynamics was interesting. I was pretty much regarded as one of the girls by the class, but the teacher always treated me as one of the guys. What really sucked is this meant I had to do the "manly" things with the few other guys, who I really didn't get along with. I didn't get to do creative things like making stage props with my friends, I had to haul stuff with the assholes who assumed I was gay and were uncomfortable being around me.

 

There were also times growing up where we were taught the differences in how men and women supposedly think, and this stuff got me pretty close to really questioning my gender. I have always thought that it's pretty much bullshit. Around the time I was 10 there was this special on the science channel talking about it, and I thought it was funny that I pretty much thought the same way the theory proposed women thought. This led me to joke about actually being a girl for a while. In high school the theory cropped up again in my adult roles and responsibilities class. It went a little more into detail, but it got me thinking, as I found I didn't really fit into either, though I was closer to what was proposed as being typical for girls. Actually, I was kind of stubborn, and lost points on a test because I didn't give the "correct" answer on some questions, even though I knew it was the answer they wanted because it was what this theory proposed.

 

All that being said, in regards to the social side of things I don't know how much I really consider myself a woman. In that regard I actually feel like I'm more of a feminine leaning agender person. As I've said I've never been fond of gender roles or the whole idea of men and women being certain ways as determined by their biological sex, I've always found the idea to be absurd and sexist. I feel I've never fit the social model of how the sexes are supposed to think and behave.

 

On the other hand, I definitely do not like having a male body, and feel I should be biologically female. I am uncomfortable with my masculine features, and wish I were physically feminine. This is really the main reason I consider myself a trans woman. If it weren't for the discomfort in my body, I'd probably consider myself gender non-conforming or agender as I don't relate to the social roles assigned by gender (though I am somewhat feminine and feel I find women more relatable).

 

In conclusion, I feel your nibling bears some similarity to me when I was that age, and it could mean something. It seems reasonable to me that them being trans is a possibility. However, it is also possible for them to be gender non-conforming, as being feminine or masculine doesn't necessarily determine one's gender identity (though it certainly can be related). IMO it would boil down to how they feel about having been born male, and whether they'd rather have been born female, as well as whether they want to be a girl instead of a feminine boy (or neither, for that matter).

 

On 6/23/2019 at 2:29 PM, Morgan123 said:

I initially thought I was a demigirl but it didn’t fit- then I realised that I had assumed that I was part girl. Once I had got over the assumptions and strict gender roles I had been taught (work in progress) I realised that I was never a girl and I never had to be. 

 

I always worried that I wasn’t trans as you hear lots of stories about people realising very young. But I never had the vocabulary to describe how I was feeling and I never realised that what I was feeling wasn’t what most cis people felt.

I relate a lot to this. When I was first questioning I thought I had to be part male. It was a weight off my shoulders when I realized that I didn't have to be male at all.

[Guest]

On 6/24/2019 at 4:13 AM, Skullery Maid said:

whether he's maybe transgender

If this child was assigned male at birth, and is possibly a trans girl, it might be best to say "maybe they're transgender", as early-onset gender non-conformity in a trans child generally goes hand-in-hand with intense dysphoria, and being referred to as "he" would likely be very uncomfortable for an AMAB child.

 

The documentary TRANS (released in 2012) features a young trans girl named Danann Tyler, and her journey may be helpful in educating you about the experiences of trans girls. This child sounds as if they are exhibiting gender dysphoria and femininity similar to what Danann's parents saw throughout her early years. Ma Vie En Rose (1997) also reflects the experiences of trans girls quite well, though is a fictional representation of transfemininity, and far less insightful.

 

On 6/24/2019 at 4:13 AM, Skullery Maid said:

How closely did you fit in with your assigned gender?

I fit in very well with my assigned gender (female), but only because I put in the work. From a very young age I knew that I was different, and that I had to put on an act in order to fit in. I became hyper-feminine to compensate for a truth I couldn't voice, as I didn't know I was a trans boy, and didn't know that I could even consider myself that way. It was only at the age of eighteen I found the words to insist I wasn't a female, and at the age of twenty I finally realised I wanted to grow up to be a man. Not every trans man grows up saying "I am a boy", as many of us don't even know that's an option. Most of us just experience persistent gender discomfort, a sense of disconnection from our cisgender peers, and near-constant sensations of anxiety, depression, or discontent. I never actually knew what happiness felt like until I began transitioning into a man, and embraced a manhood I was always denied. Many of the people around me didn't know I was trans, but that was because I tried so very hard to suppress my masculinity, and unfortunately, I succeeded. Only certain members of my family, who had seen me explore things in private (wearing male family members' clothes, etc) were unsurprised when I came out. Everyone finds out these things differently. Some of us always know, whereas some of us only know in retrospect.

 

On 6/24/2019 at 4:55 AM, Skullery Maid said:

I've heard from my stepmom that my brother is very uncomfortable with all of it. My nephew likes to do his makeup with grandma, but my brother won't allow it.

There is always the possibility that this child is a feminine boy, but they could be a trans girl. Either way, exploration of gender roles and presentations is important in a person's early development, especially if they exhibit such natural inclinations. Give this child space to explore themselves with you, remind them that exploration is okay, and speak with the adults in this child's life in order to craft a safe environment for the kid. There should never be pressure on a child to label themselves, and instead I would encourage you (and the child's caregivers) to see which gender roles and pronouns the child naturally gravitates towards, and whether the child eventually exhibits an inability to live as a boy. In the case of Danann Tyler, she could not live as a girl, and so her parents understood her to be transgender. In the case of feminine boys, they can in fact live as males, they just do so with the freedom to express their cisgender orientation in flamboyant ways.

 

I salute you for reaching out to the trans community, in order to support this child. It's a wonderful thing you're doing. I was bullied by my parents, mocked for being masculine, called ugly when I defied the gender roles that were assigned to me, and I can promise that such negative reinforcement left a mark on my psyche. This child's life may be at a crossroads, and preventing them from having to associate femininity with trauma is essential. Whether they grow up to be a trans girl, or just a feminine boy, your commitment to them will be essential.

 

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, questioning_trans_man said:

If this child was assigned male at birth, and is possibly a trans girl, it might be best to say "maybe they're transgender", as early-onset gender non-conformity in a trans child generally goes hand-in-hand with intense dysphoria, and being referred to as "he" would likely be very uncomfortable for an AMAB child.

 

The documentary TRANS (released in 2012) features a young trans girl named Danann Tyler, and her journey may be helpful in educating you about the experiences of trans girls. This child sounds as if they are exhibiting gender dysphoria and femininity similar to what Danann's parents saw throughout her early years. Ma Vie En Rose (1997) also reflects the experiences of trans girls quite well, though is a fictional representation of transfemininity, and far less insightful.

 

Thank you for the correction... That's embarrassing, I try to be really good about pronouns. Hard with my nephew though because he goes by he and wants to be called he. I live in Portland, my brother and his family are in small town Wisconsin. I've met my nephew three times. So, it's not like I get to make pronoun decisions. If they were my kid... well, they'd definitely be allowed to have the prettiest makeup of anyone at Space Camp, that's for sure. But, I have very little influence here. 

 

I've not seen TRANS but I've seen Ma Vie En Rose like a million times... was one of my ex's favorite movies. We each had a few VHS tapes that we refused to throw out and lugged from apartment to apartment, and that was one of hers. 

 

Thank you for all your insight and advice.

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Thank you for the correction... That's embarrassing, I try to be really good about pronouns. Hard with my nephew though because he goes by he and wants to be called he. I live in Portland, my brother and his family are in small town Wisconsin. I've met my nephew three times. So, it's not like I get to make pronoun decisions. If they were my kid... well, they'd definitely be allowed to have the prettiest makeup of anyone at Space Camp, that's for sure. But, I have very little influence here. 

No need to be embarrassed! You're very clearly full of pure and wholesome intentions, and I know some trans people will not feel comfortable changing to new pronouns early on in gender exploration (particularly if they're young and not sure about being trans), I just encourage you to consider that new pronoun usage may be a possibility for this child, and most kids who present as trans when they're very young have more severe gender dysphoria than those of us who come out later.
There is always, as I say, the possibility that this child is just a feminine boy. Which is fine! I wouldn't push the kid to use she/her pronouns, just make that option available should the child ever want to explore things. I didn't use he/him pronouns until I was two years into my gender exploration, so sometimes these things just take time. The most important thing is that this child is able to self-direct their presentation and expression.

 

13 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

I've not seen TRANS but I've seen Ma Vie En Rose like a million times... was one of my ex's favorite movies. We each had a few VHS tapes that we refused to throw out and lugged from apartment to apartment, and that was one of hers.

That's super cool! I'd really suggest giving TRANS a watch, because it explores real-life trans stories, concerning both adults and children. There are also extensive interviews with Danann's parents, who consistently refer to her using she/her pronouns, as she insists she is a girl. This may not be the case for your relative, but the fact that you (as an adult) are wondering whether this kid is trans suggests that engaging with this media could be helpful. I would particularly take note of Danann's reaction when she was not allowed to explore femininity, and the strain this put on her mental health.

I hope you can help this young person in whatever capacity possible, even if you don't see them often  And I hope you're having a great day!

[Guest]

@questioning_trans_man_ So... any suggestions on how to approach my brother? He's a liberal guy who is only having an issue because, you know, his kid is having problems... If it was anyone else he'd be chill af. He was great for me coming out as gay when we were teenagers. But he and I do not talk to each other well. I have a backlog of Very Important Topics. But anyway, if you have suggestions... 

[Light02]

My experience growing up was that I didn't understand why everybody around me was calling me a girl because I didn't feel like one. I felt masculine (although I didn't think I was a boy, either, in fact the thought never crossed my mind). It didn't particularly bother me that people were misgendering me, I just felt they were factually incorrect. That's when, for my own comfort, I had to make a distinction in my mind between what I looked like and how I felt/who I actually was. I've always acknowledged that I am female, I look "like a girl", so it makes sense that people would look at me and think I am one. But I also thought that, once someone gets to know me, they would obviously be able to tell that I'm not a girl! That was when I was four years old. Genuinely, I thought that the people who knew me well knew that I wasn't a girl up until I was 12 years old. (I found out that people did actually think I was a girl once I started getting bullied for "acting like a man". Which is a critique that doesn't make sense unless people see you as a girl.) I also remember imitating the way my dad walked because "I want[ed] to walk like a man". (I still walk like that.) 

 

When I was about 5 years old I would constantly daydream about being able to change my gender, or, rather, my sex. I wished that I could "be a boy" and then go back to "being a girl" whenever I wanted to. That was also the year when I found out that transitioning is an option that exists. I saw this thing (don't know what to call it) on TV where they showed a trans man and there was a voiceover explaining how you could transition. The way I understood that was to mean exactly what I wanted - that you could "become a boy" but I also thought that it meant I could go back to being a girl, then back to being a boy and so on. Obviously, this isn't how transitioning works, lol but that's how I interpreted it as a child who wanted just that. So I got really excited and I asked my mom: "Mom, can I be a boy?“ I don't remember what she said but I remember she had a very confused look on her face. Around that time I started staring at myself in the mirror a lot, and I do mean a lot, several hours a day, because I couldn't recognize myself. I thought that if I stared at myself long enough, eventually, I'd be able to accept that I looked like a girl. Clearly, that did not happen. I also remember watching the Disney movie "Mulan" and hating it because it made me very dysphoric. As trans people have pointed out for years, lol, the song "My Reflection" is very reminiscent of our experiences. The part where she wipes half the make up off of her face made me stare at myself in the mirror while rubbing my face, crying, wishing I could take the skin off of my face and not look like a girl anymore. Also, in the Bulgarian translation the first line of the song is: "I may never be able to make my family happy." which made me think, if I transitioned or "became a boy", as I thought of it back then, would that be something that my parents would be happy about? Somehow, even though I was so young, I still knew they would not approve. I remember making the decision not to transition back then for my family's sake. (I no longer feel that way btw.) At this point in my life I was aware that I didn't know what gender I was but I also didn't really care. I was more concerned with child stuff, like playing, you know.

 

When I was 6 I remember seeing a poster with a Bulgarian singer on it (who is someone who sometimes presents as male and sometimes presents as female and I did see an interview where they said they don't identify as a man or a woman) who looked very androgynously in the picture and I couldn't understand whether they were "a man or a woman", so I asked my mom. She told me: "He doesn't know either." So I thought: "Oh, so they're like me, then." Other things that I remember were stuff like hating skirts and having fights with my mom whenever she wanted me to wear one, my boyfriend in kindergarten (lol) buying me a pair of pants as a present and me being happy and telling my mom that I prefer wearing pants. 

 

When I was 8 my parents started letting me choose my own clothes and I immediately started gravitating towards boys' clothing. Once I started wearing that 24/7 I realized that I was much more comfortable, confident and like the outside matched the inside better. I literally felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life. That's when I seriously started questinioning my gender and thinking: "I should really finally decide if I'm a boy or a girl." Since I was "already a girl" in a physical and social sense I started wondering about the only other alternative that I knew of - whether I "wanted to be a boy". I thought about it and realized there are a lot of things about the way men look that would make me uncomfortable and that I wouldn't want to be a man forever. So, since I was "already a girl" and I didn't want to be the only other available option, I decided that must mean that I am girl. I didn't like that conclusion but I thought I must resign myself to it. 

 

When I was 12 a friend of mine told me: "Hey, did know that scientists say there's more than two genders?" Or, at least, that's how I understood her. She must have actually been talking about sexes and intersex people but since in our language we have the same word for sex and gender, I understood her to be talking about personal identification/gender. I immediately thought: "Oooooh, that makes so much more sense. So that's what I am!" and from that point on I started privately identifying as neither a boy, nor a girl. That was also when puberty started and I became more gender dysphoric than I had ever been prior to it in my life. My chest started developing and I would stand in front of the mirror, trying to flatten it with my hands while crying. I stopped staring at my face in the mirror because I felt I was unbearably ugly (but when I was 14 I realized I didn't actually think I was ugly, I think I'm average-looking, I just look too much like a woman).

 

As a 14 year old when my family finally had an internet connection I remembered what my friend had said about there being more than two genders so I decided to look up "list of genders" to see which one I identified with. The first definition I saw was "non-binary - someone who is neither a man, nor a woman" and I thought: "Oh, so that's what what I am is called. Cool, I'm non-binary, then." That must have been in 2012.

 

When I was 15 I was constantly crying and depressed because I was (and still am) very dysphoric about my chest and I wanted to get rid of it but I thought that the only way to get top surgery was if you wanted to fully transition to male. I didn't want that and I thought I was stuck. My dysphoria was so bad that, even though I know this sucks and is terrible, I wished I could get breast cancer so that I could get rid of my chest. Luckily, I later learned that chest binders exist and that you could still transition/get top surgery even if you don't want to be fully male. So that's my story growing up as a trans person, sorry it's so long.