Self conscious about how I dress

[Decipher]

Sometimes I feel really self conscious about the way I look and want to dress. I have short hair and want to dress masculinely and I love presenting myself that way. When I look in the mirror, dressing that way makes me very happy. But the problem lies when I go out in public like that. I suddenly start becoming very aware about how I’m dressed and I cant stop thinking that everyone’s looking at me and will say bad things about me. And I feel like I can’t be calm when my thoughts all like “I obviously don’t pass they all know I’m trans they all think I’m weird” repeating over and over. And sometimes I feel like I should just give up being myself and pretend to be a girl instead just to please everyone cause staying true to myself is so much effort. Everyone seems happier when I looked feminine so why should my feelings even matter? All my life I’ve never been able to dress the way I want without my mom belittling me. She always screams at me and even now if she sees me dressing the way I want she yells at me and tells me I’m gonna be “the talk of the town” and no one will want to be with me and say I’m absolutely disgusting and weird and that there’s something wrong with me. So I think the reason I feel so self conscious about how I look is because she’s engraved in my mind that everyones gonna hate or leave me if I look this way and I know she’s wrong but I can’t stop feeling like that. How can I stop?

[RakshaTheCat]

Sorry you are suffering through this. Sadly, annoying family happens and we have to deal with them until we stop being codependent on them. On the bright side, it will be much better once you are on your own, as long as you keep your distance from them.

What worked for me:
Acknowledging that I'm weird, I like it and I want to stay weird in my own way.

Staying away from people like your mom (or my parents).

Sad truth is that until I could free myself from toxic environment, it was much easier to just 'pretend to be normal' so they leave me alone.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

1 hour ago, Decipher said:

Sometimes I feel really self conscious about the way I look and want to dress. I have short hair and want to dress masculinely and I love presenting myself that way. When I look in the mirror, dressing that way makes me very happy. But the problem lies when I go out in public like that. I suddenly start becoming very aware about how I’m dressed and I cant stop thinking that everyone’s looking at me and will say bad things about me. And I feel like I can’t be calm when my thoughts all like “I obviously don’t pass they all know I’m trans they all think I’m weird” repeating over and over. And sometimes I feel like I should just give up being myself and pretend to be a girl instead just to please everyone cause staying true to myself is so much effort. Everyone seems happier when I looked feminine so why should my feelings even matter? All my life I’ve never been able to dress the way I want without my mom belittling me. She always screams at me and even now if she sees me dressing the way I want she yells at me and tells me I’m gonna be “the talk of the town” and no one will want to be with me and say I’m absolutely disgusting and weird and that there’s something wrong with me. So I think the reason I feel so self conscious about how I look is because she’s engraved in my mind that everyones gonna hate or leave me if I look this way and I know she’s wrong but I can’t stop feeling like that. How can I stop?

Maybe you can stop in increments? Looking back, that's pretty much what I did-- I kept pushing the enevelope little by little until I got old enough to be out on my own. Then I really pushed, and my parents pushed back by throwing me out. But by the time that happened, I was already on the path to getting an education and finding out how to live by my own devices.

 

And one of the biggest mistakes I made-- not adimitting to myself that one can't have it all-- that you can't pretend to be your assigned-at-birth gender is that's NOT how you feel. I think the soul knows what it is and it knows that from feelings. You'll find more heartbreak and frustration on that path than on the one where you own being what you are and if the world doesn't fall in line, knowing that YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

I often wish we could form a secret society and support each other in platonic ways that get to the real heart of our feelings without the muss and fuss of romance/true love/etc/etc/etc.

[Guest]

So, this is how I look at it. Would I look more comfortable and be more engaging if I was wearing female gendered clothes? No, I wouldn't. I'd look and feel awkward and uncomfortable and it would be a million times worse. You have to do what makes YOU comfortable. Everyone else is responsible for their own comfort. 

 

As an aside, I get stopped by security every time I fly because of my underwears... I only wear men's boxer briefs, which means I have a fabric band around my thighs and they always think it's a weapon. Actually lost my phone on this last trip because they spent so much time tugging and pulling on my clothes. It is what it is. 

[DuranDuranfan]

Even though I’m AFAB, growing up, I’ve always been a tomboy. I had more action figures than Barbies. But since this is about clothes....

 

I remember going topless like a boy one time when I was seven or eight at an outdoor water park, and people were staring. I was like, why? I’m flat like a boy. And I think even my mom got asked about it too. I hated being told to wear undershirts(the little girls equivalent to a bra), especially in summer.

Any other tomboy AFABs have that kind of experience? 

 

When I developed my breasts and hips, I wore lots of baggy clothes, mostly guys jeans and t-shirts. I was very self conscious about my hips and breasts and wished they were smaller. The only times I’d wear dresses or skirts is on special occasions or church, and then after a while I’d be like “I want out of this!”. Looking back, this goes further back because even before my teens, I didn’t like wearing dresses and leotards. The materials also made me itch, plus I always sat like a boy(“keep your legs closed! You don’t want to show everything!”). Even in the summer, it was so uncomfortable! 

 

Even at the age I am today, I still like to wear my guys jeans, shorts, t-shirts and overalls. I’m more of a paradox, because while my clothes are masculine, I still like my long hair, though I’m pondering getting it styled like John Taylor during the era when Duran Duran released “Notorious”. Feel free to look up the album cover. And I like my purses(hello Coach and Michael Kors!). My body may be feminine but ultimately I prefer a masculine gender expression in the way I dress.

 

And Skullery, I can see why you like the men’s boxer briefs. They are comfy, and allow for air-flow, which is healthy.