Demisexual maybe? Confused Definitely!

[Jen.921]

**I did originally post this in the Welcome forum but this area of AVEN is maybe more appropriate for the content since I am discussing demisexuality**

 

TW; mention of the word sex, confusion, insults to do with inhibitions, anxiety...

Just a thought ramble. Sorry if this isn’t appropriate! Sharing for advice but I guess also to let others know that if they feel the same as me, they aren’t alone 💜♠️🐚

My headspace right now regarding my orientation is so messed up! I am not sure if I have ever felt sexual attraction before to a real life person, though I have had romantic crushes on men before I’ve rarely thought about being sexual with them - that said, I do suffer with social anxiety and thought of actual mechanics of sex makes me feel really scared and uneasy. Not something I want or have an urge towards. 

However with fictional characters though I can imagine intimacy in a more positive light. No, I’m not talking cartoons or non human characters! But for example I can observe traits of a fictional character that I connect to, that I feel compelled by, and subsequently  can imagine a positive all round relationship.

Ugh though I can’t tell if I am a genuine demisexual and find it hard/impossible to meet a guy in real life and get to know them and then have ‘my inner fire’ unleashed, or if I am just painfully shy and awkward physically? I know that my friends at school used to talk about me as being a prude and frigid. One guy I did really fancy after years of being friends with them - a slow burn crush. Yet when I confessed he actually turned around and said ‘I’m sorry, but I see you as a sister and I would f-up your sweet nature’. Basically, in the friend zone. I haven’t really had any guys show genuine interest in me. I’ve had the odd one try to come onto me but then when I’ve been bashful and non flirty back I’ve been called ‘prude’ and ‘stuck up’. Or they’ve talked to me for a bit and then bailed when they found someone else more fun.

You know, the fact is regardless if I am really demi, ace, or not, I do fear I will be forever alone because I just can’t be instantaneous ‘hotness’. The idea of letting someone physically close to me without knowing them fully and complete trusting their mind body and soul...there being no genuine connection, no love, no true companionship...well that idea makes me feel nauseous 😞 

How does one get over the fear of being alone? How does one realise what their orientation is? How does one grow from feeling confused and invisible?

 

 

[opacity6907]

Speaking as someone who's also uncertain, I don't feel like I'm qualified to directly respond to everything you've said, so my apologies in advance for that. But, here's what I can say: the folks who have called you "prude," "frigid," or "stuck-up" are very much in the wrong. You aren't obligated to flirt back, actively engage, or be "instantaneous hotness" (if I'm following what you mean by that) just because someone is doing so to you, your comfort matters even more than the interest of a potential suitor. And it says much more about the suitor/people in question than you if they're willing to shame you for not following their prescription of pacing, someone who's really into you would be responsive to what you want. 

 

Following up with that, it's clear that knowing someone very thoroughly is required before you're comfortable considering physical intimacy, and as you've said sex makes you uneasy and nauseous without that connection. I won't label you, of course, but demi certainly sounds like its in the right ballpark for you. You could also try shopping around the orientations lexicon or other discussions around this site to see if anything really resonates with you; at the end of the day, orientation is a label so it's up to you and what you feel suits you best. One other thing you could try is letting suitors know at the outset that you're looking for a serious connection with them before sex/physical intimacy is an option (or letting them know that you're possibly demi or ace). That way, you can have room to experiment and the other people can know what to expect while you're getting to know each other. 

 

Beyond that, I'm hardly qualified to offer advice on loneliness/feeling invisible, but keep doing what you're doing now. You've stepped out and shared your story, that's hardly an easy thing to do 🙂

[Greenhair]

 

On 6/23/2019 at 5:50 PM, Jen.921 said:

**I did originally post this in the Welcome forum but this area of AVEN is maybe more appropriate for the content since I am discussing demisexuality**

 

TW; mention of the word sex, confusion, insults to do with inhibitions, anxiety...

Just a thought ramble. Sorry if this isn’t appropriate! Sharing for advice but I guess also to let others know that if they feel the same as me, they aren’t alone 💜♠️🐚

My headspace right now regarding my orientation is so messed up! I am not sure if I have ever felt sexual attraction before to a real life person, though I have had romantic crushes on men before I’ve rarely thought about being sexual with them - that said, I do suffer with social anxiety and thought of actual mechanics of sex makes me feel really scared and uneasy. Not something I want or have an urge towards. 

However with fictional characters though I can imagine intimacy in a more positive light. No, I’m not talking cartoons or non human characters! But for example I can observe traits of a fictional character that I connect to, that I feel compelled by, and subsequently  can imagine a positive all round relationship.

Ugh though I can’t tell if I am a genuine demisexual and find it hard/impossible to meet a guy in real life and get to know them and then have ‘my inner fire’ unleashed, or if I am just painfully shy and awkward physically? I know that my friends at school used to talk about me as being a prude and frigid. One guy I did really fancy after years of being friends with them - a slow burn crush. Yet when I confessed he actually turned around and said ‘I’m sorry, but I see you as a sister and I would f-up your sweet nature’. Basically, in the friend zone. I haven’t really had any guys show genuine interest in me. I’ve had the odd one try to come onto me but then when I’ve been bashful and non flirty back I’ve been called ‘prude’ and ‘stuck up’. Or they’ve talked to me for a bit and then bailed when they found someone else more fun.

You know, the fact is regardless if I am really demi, ace, or not, I do fear I will be forever alone because I just can’t be instantaneous ‘hotness’. The idea of letting someone physically close to me without knowing them fully and complete trusting their mind body and soul...there being no genuine connection, no love, no true companionship...well that idea makes me feel nauseous 😞 

How does one get over the fear of being alone? How does one realise what their orientation is? How does one grow from feeling confused and invisible?

I feel exactly the same way! 

And Im super confused about myself too. Either people criticise me and tell me i'm too picky, or they label me as an innocent little virgin (which sometimes makes me feel like I get fetishised and some want to take advantage of me), but it's really more because I just can't make myself be genuinely intimate or even romantic with someone I don't know well, if I try to push myself to do it or the person pushes me I feel awful and any attraction I had to them completely disappears. 

 

On 6/24/2019 at 7:43 PM, opacity6907 said:

One other thing you could try is letting suitors know at the outset that you're looking for a serious connection with them before sex/physical intimacy is an option (or letting them know that you're possibly demi or ace). That way, you can have room to experiment and the other people can know what to expect while you're getting to know each other. 

 

That is aso why thcouldn'tent work for me. Because even just the thought of the other person wanting to be intimate, romantic or sexual with me, makes me feel like that is the only goal for the relationship. Those expectations makes me feel pressured. This is also why dating just really does not work for me. 

Yes I can see someone and feel attracted (aesthetically or romantically) and I can daydream about us together, but for anything to really happen it has to start with just an innocent friendship.

But for how this could ever happen i have no clue! 

[Jen.921]

On 7/12/2019 at 10:15 AM, Calendulala said:

 

I feel exactly the same way! 

And Im super confused about myself too. Either people criticise me and tell me i'm too picky, or they label me as an innocent little virgin (which sometimes makes me feel like I get fetishised and some want to take advantage of me), but it's really more because I just can't make myself be genuinely intimate or even romantic with someone I don't know well, if I try to push myself to do it or the person pushes me I feel awful and any attraction I had to them completely disappears. 

 

That is aso why thcouldn'tent work for me. Because even just the thought of the other person wanting to be intimate, romantic or sexual with me, makes me feel like that is the only goal for the relationship. Those expectations makes me feel pressured. This is also why dating just really does not work for me. 

Yes I can see someone and feel attracted (aesthetically or romantically) and I can daydream about us together, but for anything to really happen it has to start with just an innocent friendship.

But for how this could ever happen i have no clue! 

Ditto with the sentiment of wanting a beautiful daydreamy relationship but having no scooby doo clue how this could ever happen! What you’ve explained about yourself could literally be from my own mind too; I’m sure people see me as a picky prude 😕 an ice queen. 

 

I’m still unsure of my orientation. In fact earlier today I had a random friend request from a man I don’t know, though he’s friends with my manager, and my first thought was that I don’t want to accept because is he just wanting to Facebook friend me because he wants to have sex?? And that idea freaks me out! So I’ve not accepted the request. Then again his motives may be a sincere getting to know me. I’ve had no introductory message from him or communication on my manager’s Facebook wall so it is a bit too random.

 

I also am unsure on if I’m sex repulsed or sex positive. A mixture of both? I mean, I don’t think sex is inherently dirty and a good way to be intimate and connect with others , in my case providing there’s already established connection and closeness, but if people like stranger sex and do it cause they feel good then that’s fine too. Each to their own. But for me, I find the actually reality of sex to be unnerving I’m squeamish though! I’ve never had sex but I have heard that fluids can mix, smells can occur, sweaty, hair getting stuck. It makes me feel gross. And jokes about sex and about penis’ just make me 0___O 

 

 

[Greenhair]

It’s nice to share thoughts with someone who feel the same 😊

 

I have also tried getting random friend requests on Facebook from guys I don’t know, though my first thought is “how nice! Someone whants to be my friend” but soon after the suspicion of ulterior motives kick in, because why would a person  I’ve never meet send only a friend request? Maybe it’s just someone who whants a lot of friends but I don’t know what I would do if it was someone with sex in mind. 

I’ve also tried someone asking me out a few times now. And I hate it! Of course I feel incredible flattered but I feel stupid for saying no and not giving him a chance, but I have also tried dating and it was a nightmare! But I feel all depressed when I turn guys down, because I am kind of a romantic and dream of being in a loving relationship, and by turning dates down I feel like I am spoiling ever finding love from myself. 

 

I really dont don’t know how I feel about sex though. I’m not disgusted by the thought of being with someone I love, but I’m not sure if it will ever be a thing on my mind even in a loving relationship.