That_One_Nerd Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I came out to my family a while back, and I thought it'd go well. Obviously I knew I'd probably have to explain asexuality and answer questions, but I was also raised with the phrase 'love is love' before I even knew what it meant. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My mom, although she does think asexuality is real, wants me to get my hormones checked. She's agreed with me that I have no symptoms of any hormonal imbalance, but she's already made an appointment to the doctor's. She's saying she won't force me to do anything I don't want, but I feel trapped. I've already said I didn't want to get them checked because I don't need to, and she keeps pushing. At this point, it feels like she'll only stop bringing it up if I get them checked. She's giving me the option, but it feels more like my options are being told I'm probably not ace for the rest of my life or just getting tests done. And maybe that would be easier, but it's hurtful and feels so wrong/invalidating. I thought something was wrong with me for so long before I heard about asexuality, and this feels like a slap to the face. I'm finally proud of who I am. I've worked hard to be comfortable in my own skin. It's like she can't stand the thought of me not being interested in sex because I'm not attracted to anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I've explained myself in so many different ways, but I just feel like she refuses to listen. Any advice? Should I keep resisting, or just give in? I feel lost and alone right now, so anything would help. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 @That_One_Nerd Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Your body, you have the right to say no. Especially as a hormonal anomaly may affect desire, but will not affect attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 You could also make it clear that even if you have some kind of hormonal imbalance, you are fine with being asexual and wouldn't want to desire sex. Link to post Share on other sites
- Saph - Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Hello @That_One_Nerd Welcome to AVEN - the place to eat 🤤🍰! 1 hour ago, That_One_Nerd said: don't know what to do anymore. I've explained myself in so many different ways, but I just feel like she refuses to listen. You are not alone facing mother's issues. I hope for you that she will realize that there are so many kind of happiness in this world. What if the hormones are normal? Will she ask you to start a psychotherapy? If I may actually do it - for science, as I am a bit of a biology geek. But I would never tell her that I did it... I know by experience that the contraceptive pill can have an inhibiting effect on sex related things but you probably have no reasons to take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Cancel it and tell them to sod off, in politeness levels of your choosing. They have no right over your body or medical decisions, plus all hormones would affect would be your libido, not orientation. Orientation is how your brain is wired. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Quote It's like she can't stand the thought of me not being interested in sex because I'm not attracted to anyone. I wouldn't be so sure that's it. I mean, it could be, but it's good to have them checked anyway because of other health reasons (I had mine checked because of recurrent mood swings; turns out that I do have several imbalances. There aren't always obvious symptoms of hormone imbalances, either.) Parents can be like this. A lot of them will find asexuality for their kid to be concerning, not necessarily because they are being bigots or something (although they could be...) but rather that they fear for the potential social/romantic prospects of their kid. The same thing can happen for other alternative sexualities too. But yeah, even if there was something off it's not likely to affect your orientation anyway, only your sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
starweb Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 A check on your hormone level won't hurt a thing, but its not necessary. An imbalance might affect someone's sex drive or libido, but getting an imbalance 'fixed' won't suddenly make someone experience sexual attraction when they didn't before. For the record, since I'm a diabetic, I have blood work done every six months. Hormone levels have always been fine. Still asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I think you could go ahead and have them checked, just in case there's something that should be treated. Not your asexuality, because as someone said, that's an orientation, not a medical condition. Your mother may be concerned that you will have a difficult life if you don't want to have a relationship, or end up not having one -- that's a natural thing for a good parent to worry about. If you are underage, she in fact does have responsibility for your medical treatment, so I think she's being pretty loving in giving you the chance to say "no". But since it's a very benign non-invasive test, you could just say "yes" and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I have a hormonal anomaly, so according to the UN definition I'm intersex. From the age of 14 to 42 I was too freakin scared to go to a doctor to ask why puberty didn't really happen, but eventually I couldn't hide from myself any more. During the resulting events asexuality was mentioned to me. I'd always thought cishet but frightened off by a "lack of assets" wound up with counselling etc, end result I'd never even looked at someone sexually. So even when your hormones are outside the normal level HRT may not make you sexual Link to post Share on other sites
secrethamster Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I recently considered getting my own hormones checked out of curiosity, but have decided against it. I have no problem being asexual, so potentially knowing the cause of something I don't consider to be a problem isn't important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I got mine checked, found out I had an under active thyroid. Balancing that out fixed a lot of things but didn’t change my orientation, now I’m just an asexual person with more hair and slightly warmer extremities. I think getting them checked can be worthwhile, but if you don’t have any symptoms of hormone imbalance I can certainly understand how being essentially forced to is deeply hurtful and invalidating. Link to post Share on other sites
ColeHW34 Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 I’m not entirely sure of my hormone levels. I used to have my Thyroid, growth hormones and cholesterol checked often and they were okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 I’ve had blood checkups every few years, I have parents that alway excuse something healthy, for something that’s a considerable problem to them, beside themselves being obese individuals with complex medication needs. Docs do not wish to see me anymore without symptoms of anything, docs themselves labelled my parents as overbearing. and to that I can only silently lol to my self. Link to post Share on other sites
FragmentedWorld Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 On 6/23/2019 at 4:12 AM, That_One_Nerd said: I came out to my family a while back, and I thought it'd go well. Obviously I knew I'd probably have to explain asexuality and answer questions, but I was also raised with the phrase 'love is love' before I even knew what it meant. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My mom, although she does think asexuality is real, wants me to get my hormones checked. She's agreed with me that I have no symptoms of any hormonal imbalance, but she's already made an appointment to the doctor's. She's saying she won't force me to do anything I don't want, but I feel trapped. I've already said I didn't want to get them checked because I don't need to, and she keeps pushing. At this point, it feels like she'll only stop bringing it up if I get them checked. She's giving me the option, but it feels more like my options are being told I'm probably not ace for the rest of my life or just getting tests done. And maybe that would be easier, but it's hurtful and feels so wrong/invalidating. I thought something was wrong with me for so long before I heard about asexuality, and this feels like a slap to the face. I'm finally proud of who I am. I've worked hard to be comfortable in my own skin. It's like she can't stand the thought of me not being interested in sex because I'm not attracted to anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I've explained myself in so many different ways, but I just feel like she refuses to listen. Any advice? Should I keep resisting, or just give in? I feel lost and alone right now, so anything would help. Hello! Sorry if this out of the blue, but personally, I don't think you should do it unless you want to do it. It is your body and your choice. As someone with a mother who's similar to this, you're going to need to stand up for yourself and tell her no if you choose not to do it (at least at this juncture, if ever). She needs to understand that she cannot demand physical/chemical/biological reasoning behind your sexual orientation--especially after saying she "won't force [you] to do anything [you] don't want." You are entirely valid and have every right to be proud of who you are. If, at any point down the road you want to get your hormones checked, it won't affect your sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is different from libido/sex drive/desire. Some asexuals do experience the feeling of being horny, some do not and they are all valid. I truly hope your mother let's this go and truly accepts you for who you are. Good luck and stay safe, Phantom Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 9 minutes ago, KeKatCookie said: Mum was a little confused by this. Don't worry, she'll find somet else to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
KeKatCookie Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 On 7/12/2019 at 10:55 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said: . Link to post Share on other sites
secrethamster Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I've heard similar thoughts from my mom. She has even asked if I am a "repressed lesbian." I feel like it's easier for them to assume you just haven't realized or accepted your sexuality rather than understand that it's possible not to have one*. It may not mean much, but know that some random people on the internet understand you and believe your feelings (or lack thereof) are valid. *I know asexuality is usually defined as a sexuality, I just mean not experience sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
SupercalifragilisticNugget Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 On 7/12/2019 at 5:46 PM, KeKatCookie said: Hey, so, update: I did go for the check, results back and hormones are completely normal. Mum was a little confused by this. I just shrugged and said "it's the way I am." In a way I'm relieved because I know I'm asexual and it's not a hormone thing. But if I had the different result I'd still identify as ace. Well hey good for you. You listened to your mom and did what she wanted. Now maybe it’ll help her understand that it doesn’t necessarily have to do anything with your hormones but more your mindset, and hopefully she will be able to accept the fact that you simply aren’t interested in that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
KeKatCookie Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 On 7/17/2019 at 4:49 AM, SupercalifragilisticNugget said: . Link to post Share on other sites
SupercalifragilisticNugget Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 3 hours ago, KeKatCookie said: Thanks I'm glad it turned out okay. I haven't come out to my parents yet, but they know I don't feel sexual attraction. I've just never explicitly said "I'm asexual." I'm hoping that someday I'll get the guts to come out, and I can use this to help explain. That it's me, my feelings, my mindset, not the chemical makeup of my body. You’re welcome. And yeah I mean, as long as they know you aren’t sexually attracted, they should be able to respect you for just being you and feeling that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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