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My Dream Relationship is Falling Apart


BabyHans

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Today was a low point for me and my relationship with my sexual girlfriend. I've always been sex repulsed, but once I started dating her I was willing to try because I really liked her in every other way and I can see a future with her. I disclosed to her that I was asexual, but willing to see where things go or whatever, and she seemed fine with it, telling me it was fine even if I was asexual.

 

We've been together over a year and I've been "trying" sex for about a year. It continued to wear down on me and when our roommate walked in on us on accident, I found it hard to try again. That was kind of my breaking point and now I've been obviously reluctant to sex. My girlfriend doesn't seem to understand the problem is more deeper rooted and before I was just trying really hard for her, and after that incident, it takes a larger toll on me mentally. Every time we cuddle she wants to touch me, every time we go to bed, and I really just don't want to be touched that way, especially not all the time. I already have sensory problems, which sexual touching sets off, and I end up having frequent panic attacks anticipating having sex. My girlfriend doesn't understand that this is not personal no matter how many times I tell her. She doesn't handle my panicking well and it causes tension.

 

Today she was obviously upset, and I didn't know why until she finally told me that she "missed being with me that way" and that she generally just felt lonely and isolated with the sexual aspect of our relationship and at work (which she was at currently) where everyone else speaks a different language and excludes her. She went on to tell me that my behavior makes her feel ashamed for having sexual thoughts and she said she didn't want a relationship without sex because she didn't feel like that was a relationship, even though she told me differently when we first met. She told me that when I flinch away, it hurts her, but I'm just too anxious to say anything verbally. She told me that she felt like it was just going to be a friendship. I asked her if she prefered that and she said she didn't want to do the dating thing again. I hate to feel that now she is just settling because she "can't be bothered" to find someone else instead of the love I felt like we had. She said that she didn't feel like there was a spark unless we had sexual connection. She asked me if I just wanted her to have sex with other women and come home to me. I apologized for being ace, I apologized for having sensory problems, I apologized for everything I could. She told me to forget it and that she was going back to work. I felt like a shell of myself. All I could do was cry and panic and she wouldn't talk to me until she got home.

 

She acts like everything is fine now, but I know she still doesn't understand and won't even if I continue to try to explain it. I feel so hurt and empty. I felt like we had a family, me, her, and our 3 cats. Now I just feel like it's all coming to an end because I will never be able to satisfy her. I feel so lost. My mom told me I was selfish when I tried to talk to her about being ace, I feel like she was right, I feel like I was a mistake. I miss feeling loved without feeling obliged to have sex. I don't know what to do.

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First of all. You are not a mistake. No one is a mistake. Your sexuality isn't a mistake. I know it's hard to be in a situation trying to find other asexuals to date and especially after you formed a bond with someone. I honestly think the best way to deal with this it to go to a psychologist who deals with relationships. And I know, everyone hates that idea. But therapy has worked miracles for my parents in struggles and myself. You have to ask yourself is sacrificing your sexuality and mental stability worth it for this person? And parents, they are cruel. I hate my parents for their basic level of acceptance and ignorance. Don't listen to them. I would think that through a mediator, especially an LGBTQ+ one, you could better express your situation to your girlfriend. I know that I'm not in a great place rn and I shouldnt impose my advice onto others, but you have a right to be mentally stable and secure with your sexuality regardless.

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I'm in a somewhat similar situation and have heard and said so many of the same things in talking with my wife. I am still dealing with this troubled relationship myself and have little advice to give, but I sympathize so much with your feelings. I can say that I too have apologized down to the ground for everything and it has definitely not helped my self-esteem either. It also hasn't done anything at all to bridge the gap, and just serves to enforce the feeling all around that I have to "fix" this. That is a very hard way to live and I don't recommend it. Hang in there. Yes, seeking therapy with someone who is aware of this sexuality and this dynamic is helpful!

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anisotrophic

We each had therapy with LGBTQIA+ therapists, and my therapist described therapy with other aces. From what my therapist said, this was by far the dominant reason she ever encountered ace folks at the practice.

 

It takes two. Both partners need to feel loved for the sexualities they have. Feeling pressured to have sex always ends really badly, and sexual rejection is very painful to receive -- between the two, mixed relationships are very difficult, it takes a lot of empathy from *both* partners, for each other. Too often, one ends up sacrificing themselves to try to make it work, and that's bad. Too often, one partner, or even both, ends up feeling shame and despair about their own (a)sexuality.

 

It's not you, it's the situation: mixed relationships are very difficult. If it doesn't work, it wasn't you, it was that situation.

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SkeletonCat

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. To echo what anisotrophic said above - it's not you, it's the situation. 

 

It's entirely possible for people in mixed relationships to encounter these problems, but it's also possible for them to work out a way to embrace each person's sexuality in a way that makes both people feel satisfied, loved, and appreciated for who they are. For that to happen, however, both people need to be on board with getting therapy and counseling, working through what each one wants and finding ways to satisfy the one person's desire for sex without putting pressure on the other person to do things they don't want to do. 

 

It sounds like the last time you both tried to discuss this, emotions were running high. You say you don't think she'll understand no matter how many times you try to explain, and that might be true, but you might want to try again, when you're both in a calmer state of mind. Maybe try writing down what you'd like to tell her, so if you start to feel anxious in the moment, you have something there to help you communicate with her. Ask her if she's open to talking to a LGBTQIA+ therapist - with or without you there. Individual and couples therapy could be helpful for both of you in deciding what you want from a relationship in general, and figuring out how your relationship needs to change to accommodate both of you.

 

I'm sorry your mom reacted the way she did when you confided in her. Asexuality is foreign to so many people, and it's exhausting to try to educate someone and confide in them at the same time, especially when you're distressed and need a sympathetic presence. You know her best, so it's up to you to decide whether you want to try to explain to your mom what asexuality is or whether it's best to leave that topic alone when you talk to her. If you do decide to talk with her about asexuality again, maybe write down the important points, provide some websites for her to look at, etc. Either way, don't take her words to heart. You aren't selfish. There's nothing wrong with who you are. 

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I was in a similar situation. It ended up very badly, but it doesn't have to in your case.

At first, she felt aversion towards sex, which seemed too good to be true. It was. Because the aversion she had was some sort of socially conditioned shame. That shame started to disappear, ironically, due to my efforts to boost her self-esteem. As her shame disappeared, her craving for sex started to appear. I am not sex-averse/sex-repulsed (at least I think I am not, I have never had it), so we tried to have sex. We tried many times, but I have never managed to penetrate, despite our mutual best intentions. She claimed that she will stay with me, despite of her unsatisfied need.

Despite her claim, after 7.5 years of our relationship, she cheated on me. She probably waited for an opportunity to "jump to a safe ground". She didn't immediately decide to leave me for that other guy. I was willing to forgive her for cheating, but despite that, after one month of deliberating, she decided to enter a new relationship with that guy (and immediately had sex with him).

I would have done some some things differently if I could go back in time for at least 2-3 years:

  • I would urge her to not only look at this forum (she saw them), but also to actively participate in them and ask for an advice without holding back while describing the issue.
  • I would suggest that we go to couples counseling, because some other things in our relationship also didn't work well, so this would be to fix as many quickly fixable things as possible.
  • I would go to see an andrologist. Andrology is the male reproductive system counterpart to gynecology, with a significant overlap with urology, but not quite the same. I might have some sensory problems (and you said that you do have them) because of which I don't get an erection with a "standard mechanical stimulation". I have only recently learned that a healthy person with healthy male parts should automatically get an erection when stimulated, even without any sexual arousal (which explained to the oblivious me how can one be able to have sex despite being asexual), so there could be a medical part of the issue and a medical solution.
  • And finally, talk, talk and talk. In order to maintain the quality of a relationship, there should be a lot of maximally open communication between partners about feelings and other issues.

Good luck, I hope you manage to save your relationship!

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flamesofdarkness

Hi there! I'm new here too, and a lot newer to asexuality than you are from the sounds of it, but your post really resonates with me and I just wanted to reach out so you know you're not alone! ❤️

 

I am in a mostly happy relationship with a man with a (thankfully) low sex drive, but he's still far from ace and I am finding I'm quite solidly ace. I also experience panic attacks about being touched, and I feel that pressure and expectation for sex every time it happens. It downright sucks. It sucks more knowing it hurts him to see me pull away. And it sucks even more when he doesn't try and I wonder if it's because he doesn't love me anymore, since sex and love seem so intertwined for most of the population. I handle this by telling him he can go elsewhere for his needs. He hasn't, and doesn't plan on it (to my knowledge), but it makes him feel better to know the offer is there.

 

I feel like the only way a relationship can work, regardless of other circumstances, is with open and honest communication, and respecting why the other person has certain needs and wants even if they don't understand it. So, I'll ask a hard question: if your girlfriend is not willing to at least try and understand, and accept your needs & wants (because yes, not wanting to be touched in a certain way does count!), is it worth pursuing this relationship with her?

 

It's not on you to apologize - though I can say from personal experience the apologies never stop, especially when you love someone and want to do what's best for them. But that love, that wanting someone to be happy, is a two-way street.

 

I am sorry that you feel this way. You are completely deserving of love and that love should be able to come without any strings attached. I know how hard it is when you have a life built around being with someone. But I think you owe it to both your girlfriend and yourself to sit down and have a conversation about this. You are not a mistake. Every problem has a solution, and if you work together (or by yourself, if need be, before taking it up with her) I'm sure you can find it.

 

Good luck ❤️ 

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The problem doesn't lie with either of you; you're simply very different in your needs about sex.  She needs to have sex, you need to not have sex.  Both needs are important, but they don't mix well.  

 

Feeling that you have failed her and the relationship is natural because she's upset about you not having the same feeling she does.   Since we learn from society (whichever society we live in) that wanting sex is "natural", the asexual ends up feeling guilty.  Try to fight that feeling of guilt, because you aren't guilty, anymore than she is for wanting sex.   

 

Communication is very important, but if she continues to push away understanding of your aceness, then you may have to tell her that either she accepts what you're saying, or things aren't going to work.  Counseling will help IF the counselor also accepts that asexuality exists, AND if the purpose of counseling is not to get you to want sex.  Asexuality is an orientation, just as being sexual is.  There's no  "fix" for either orientation.  

 

Good luck.   

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