Understanding sexual desire

[Netta]

Background: I am in a relationship with what I would call a romantic asexual. In his opinion, labels are unneccessary - he has never felt the need to identify as something specific  (which is great that he is comfortable with) and he doesn't seek any further information on his orientation. It is a great relationship, in which we both feel loved, needed and appreciated. WIth compromises specific to our relationship, we have also found a solution that we are both comfortable with. Communication is not always easy, but always worth it. 

 

Anyways, through this relationship I have also had to confront and reflect on my own sexuality, which I perhaps wouldn't have as much otherwise. I am happy where I am now, but I do wonder if I will always remain as satisified in a relationhip with someone who is not sexually attracted to me. I am only interested in the sexual attraction of my SO, and don't want to consider open relationships/polyamoury etc..so far, as it is specifcally his desire that I yearn for.  So, the question is: Why do we non-aces need our partner to desire us both sexually and romantically?

 

Why does the lack of mutual sexual desire hurt so much?

Is it actually just a 'want' or 'crave' rather than a 'need'? (I'm having a hard time with this one)

Is it because we see sex too much as a sense of validation? (This is an answer I have seen many places, but can't really accept)

 

Open for debate and more questions

 

I can't find any good information on this topic online, other than articles about sex drives wearing off in relationships, and then usually just the womans or that asexuality is a myth.... so any good resources for how to acknowledge and own your sexuality is also appreciated! 

[QuietLife]

Hello fellow newbie! I'm in a relationship with a demiromantic sex-repulsed ace for two years now, so hopefully my two cents will be worth something to you.

 

Why do we desire sexual and romantic attraction? That's a bit tough to answer because that has to deal a lot with how most humans are psychologically wired. Especially for us sexuals, we just have an instinctual desire to find a partner who loves us and accepts us for who we are, and hopefully we could enjoy the rest of our lives with said partner. More specifically, in regards to being wanted sexually, I feel a lot of that has to do with societal norms, pressure, and commercialism. It's hard not to acquire the notion that to be sexually desired is to be successful in life. If you're not having sex as often as possible, you're either a virgin, a loser, or both. Also, as you have seen, there are plenty of of people who unfortunately view asexuality as a myth, because they just can't wrap their minds around the fact that some people just do not desire sex, so something must be wrong with them.

 

Perhaps that ties in to your question of why a lack of mutual sexual desire can hurt. For me personally, while it does sting, I have made my peace that she will never find me sexually attractive, let alone desire me in that way. When she found out she was asexual, she texted me and asked me directly if I would be ok with being in a relationship with her if it potentially means never having sex. I gave her a quick response saying that sex does not define our relationship and I love her regardless. While this was true, it slowly set in that I might not ever get to have sex with her, and to be honest I did have an internal freakout. This was probably due to my spotty past in regards to getting into a relationship, mostly because I was so desperate and rejection absolutely crushed me every time. So I did some serious soul searching, and also did a lot of research on asexuality, which led me to AVEN. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I loved her more than the concept of sex. I also made sure to talk in person with her to reaffirm this, but also that if we ever get to the point where we are seriously considering marriage, that we would need to find a way to have sex that ensures she will be comfortable above all else. So while I will never expect sex from her, I also do not want to live the rest of my life in a sexless relationship. So we will cross that bridge when we get there.

 

So under what category does sex and attraction fall under? I think that varies from person to person depending on how much they value sex. Can this person absolutely not be in a relationship without having sex? I would say that's a need. Can this person put aside their desire for sex for the sake of their partner? I would say that's a want or crave. Personally, I would say I'm in the want or crave category, since I very much desire my gf sexually and would want to do the dirty with her, I far more value her comfort.

 

So is sex seen as validation? I would definitely say so, as I said above. We are kinda taught that if we're having sex, we're doing something right. So I'm curious as to why you say you can't accept that reasoning.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, I have a tendency to ramble! Hopefully some of that is useful to you, and I'm definitely up for more conversation!

[anisotrophic]

It's a social need. It's how we communicate love. It makes us feel unloved. We try to learn to feel loved without being desired, and it's very difficult.

 

One can say they aren't interested in others, but they would be a fool to assume that will never be challenged over the course of years and decades. Be aware, you may be blindsided.

 

It was helpful for my husband and I to learn about asexuality, as he realized that I was experiencing something very different (or perhaps: he was), and we gained a lot more empathy for each other. We work on communicating love in other ways, and he's more supportive of me having another partner someday (he's sad that this part of me was accidentally sacrificed, we didn't mean for that to happen). I think I've been feeling a lot better, but it's taken a lot of time and empathy and learning to listen to other "love languages".

[uhtred]

For some people sexual interactions are literally the difference between friendship and love.   That doesn't mean that the have a weak view of love as only being about sex, but may mean that they have a very strong view of friendship.  There are people who would die for their friends - so for them maybe sex is the only thing that distinguished that from love.