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A question In terms of libido


Cryowolf

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i hope this is where i put this topic in

Ok so in my long running pursuit to find out where i fit in when it comes to the umbrella terms when identifying as asexual. there is one question that i have a hard time trying to ask people is the idea of libido. so when i read on the topic of libido i get that some aces can have a drive but some choose to do it privately away from there partners or its just something that pops up and they don't wish to engage in sex still so they either can ignore it or they watch or look at something erotic. i'm told this is still normal and that some aces go through. so i wonder like do some aces have an intense day of libido drive? like multiple fap sessions within a given day to rid of one self of the lust demon that's inside? (i'm not really religious its just something that made more sense to say.)

i ask this because for me i don't feel like i desire sex i'm perfectly fine never having it (still trying to figure out if that's just my fear of sex or just naturally me) but once in a blue moon i do get a desire like hey calm down now rufus back in the cave with you! when i look at a 3d human you know as in a person in the real world and not a picture i have no desire to want to "bang" i can recognize they're aesthetically pleasing but i don't secretly wish i can have sex with them. even if i got to know the person and see what a great or worse personality they really got i still don't desire sex. the only part of me that activates is my romantic side. where i would want to maybe buy them a nice gift maybe something they really like or treat them to food (even though i do that with friends anyways) to maybe start actually envisioning myself holding there hands or cuddling not so much kissing cause in my experience kissing leads to sex and that's something i'm still very afraid of.

even when i did have a partner and i was trying to discover if sex was all that it was cracked up to be sense both friends and media hyped it up to be this amazing experience. i dreaded it. i hated it. sometimes id be scared other times i just found it incredibly boring. i never was excited which of course made it hard to even have sex at all. i mean damn it rufus the one time your suppose to be excited you wont even come out and say hi. which of course lead to my partner feel sad and inadequate. sometimes she would cry in frustration and wonder if she was enough for me. which made me internally hate myself cause id be trying... trying so hard to please her but the one thing she wanted i couldn't give her and i had no idea whats wrong with me. so i was equally frustrated with myself and sense i had no idea i could never give her an answer which ultimately lead to our separation. however whenever my libido does pop up i could fantasize me doing the things she had wanted but obviously her not being there i cant test it out. so i don't know if i have a sex desire or if my desire goes away when i actually have someone there. cause i was with my partner for more then a year and not once did my libido popped up but its like as soon as there wasn't a person around sudden its like hey whats up fam....

i dont know. is that normal? do aces go through that? at least the ones who do have a libido or is this just some personal struggle i haven't figured out yet?

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(This is my interpretation...)

Just like sexual people can range from low to high libidos, so can asexual people - the difference is in how sexual attraction (or lack thereof) can trigger or de-trigger that libido. You might have a high baseline libido that revs you up fine when you're alone, but your feeling of "I don't want sex with other people" acts as a negative trigger that temporarily disables it when you get into that situation.

I have a really low & moody libido at the best of times, and the one time I tried to invite someone else into the process it went from 'highly unlikely' to 'completely impossible' so I can at least faintly relate to your experience. :) 

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letusdeleteouraccounts
33 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

(This is my interpretation...)

Just like sexual people can range from low to high libidos, so can asexual people - the difference is in how sexual attraction (or lack thereof) can trigger or de-trigger that libido. You might have a high baseline libido that revs you up fine when you're alone, but your feeling of "I don't want sex with other people" acts as a negative trigger that temporarily disables it when you get into that situation.

I have a really low & moody libido at the best of times, and the one time I tried to invite someone else into the process it went from 'highly unlikely' to 'completely impossible' so I can at least faintly relate to your experience. :) 

Also generally sexuals want to handle their libido through sex (whether they actually do or not). When it’s not done through sex, they’ll use masturbation while thinking about having sex with a person. Asexuals would much rather handle it through masturbation and we don’t have fantasies about us having sex with people

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hmm.... interesting. so i wonder where i fit in if at all when it comes to this. like i dont desire sex and in the 6+ years ive been without a partner i never much cared to try again. its just once in a while my libido pops up and i just masturbate to get rid of it and then im back to my normal self but i use images and scenarios a lot of times its not even me kind of like i created my own porno in my head but with different characters usually from the image im looking at or what my partner would do. so if asexuals dont fantasize about others to get rid of there libido then where do i fit in..... i think im more confused then before. so am i just a normal sexual who just has a very low sex drive and my internal fear of how things went bad the first time is what makes me not want sex causing the trigger or am i something else?

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letusdeleteouraccounts

@Cryowolf

It’s not that none of fantasize of other people, only that we don’t fantasize about us having sex with them or us having our own sexual encounters

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It's hard to imagine something pornographic without involving other people! ;)  But for me, it's more like being the director who observes without getting involved.

And like you describe, it's something I do just to return to normal, not something I'd pursue in real life.

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59 minutes ago, wyrdwyrm said:

  But for me, it's more like being the director who observes without getting involved.

yeah thats basically how i see it or how a friend of mine said i might. in that i am the director and i would rather observe then to be involved. whenever i'm involved id rather be elsewhere but if watching i just watch it as if i was watching a tv show only that the tv show is used to get rid of my libido if that makes sense. i like how you worded that. 

now i just need to figure out where in the spectrum i fit in. if i do at all. i know i'm ok with romance its something i do desire and i don't have a preference when it comes to gender for me its more about personality as once i get to know a person and we click that's the only time i feel a crush or attractiveness to them. for a few years now i've always told people i'm pan but when i was finally honest with a friend who is demisexual she felt that i could be somewhere along the asexual spectrum based off of what i told her so she referred me to this site which i've been on and off for about a week trying to figure out if i am asexual. so far i'm still not sure. but i'm getting little pieces here and there. i hope i can figure out just who or what i am but i know its gonna take time.

but thanks for you wonderful people talking to me and answering some of my questions as best as you can. i appreciate it. 

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You're welcome!

 

Around this forum there's a tendency to separate out sexual labels from romantic ones - for instance, based on your description you might consider yourself a panromantic asexual. People with romantic attraction often describe a desire for an emotionally close relationship, with a degree of physical intimacy that stops short of sex (some want to hold hands, cuddle, and/or kiss, but no further).

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panromantic i like that. i can see how that fits me a lot and i agree with the last part you said. about physical intimacy i do like hand holding and cuddling and such but from my experiences i've had so far they all lead to sex which i didn't like so it make me stop wanting to be intimate. i hope i can convey that concern with whoever i may end up with in life

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It helps to practice putting your wants and needs (and what you don't want or need) into words in places like this, so that when you're approaching a relationship you can communicate those wants and needs clearly on the way in.

 

Happily, the more visibility asexuality gets, the easier it is to start those conversations with "I'm asexual" and go on from there.

 

And who knows? You might stumble upon a closet asexual who's just as happy to stop at the cuddling. :) 

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man that would be super awesome if i could find someone like that even if there not an asexual as well but just someone who can understand me and i hope one day every asexual can have the chance to come out and have a lengthy but rewarding conversation with there peers about how and what asexuality is. that's the dream right there :)

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I think asexuality has made some huge strides in visibility in the past 2-3 years, at least online. I've seen more frequent comments from non-asexuals getting it more or less right, so that's pretty cool. (Not including this site, of course. That skews the sample a bit. ;) ) Your dream may be realized sooner than you think!

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  • 2 weeks later...
FindingOutWhoIam
On ‎6‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 10:47 AM, Star Lion said:

Also generally sexuals want to handle their libido through sex (whether they actually do or not). When it’s not done through sex, they’ll use masturbation while thinking about having sex with a person. Asexuals would much rather handle it through masturbation and we don’t have fantasies about us having sex with people

Could an asexual be sexual in the beginning of a relationship and then become non sexual as time proceeds. Could they be uninterested in their partner sexually and also uninterested in others outside of that relationship as well?

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letusdeleteouraccounts
8 hours ago, FindingOutWhoIam said:

Could an asexual be sexual in the beginning of a relationship and then become non sexual as time proceeds. Could they be uninterested in their partner sexually and also uninterested in others outside of that relationship as well?

I don’t see why not. If you truly feel like you wouldn’t be sexually attracted to anyone ever again including your partner

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FindingOutWhoIam
11 hours ago, Star Lion said:

I don’t see why not. If you truly feel like you wouldn’t be sexually attracted to anyone ever again including your partner

Well Ive been with her since 2013, married in 2015. I have had no desire or attraction to anyone else after her. No one outside of our marriage or amongst individuals walking down the street. I might be like that's a nice butt, but that's about it. Like I would want/think and wish for a desire because of my past- but it doesn't exist in the present. So theres nothing to act on.

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On 6/23/2019 at 3:52 AM, Cryowolf said:

hmm.... interesting. so i wonder where i fit in if at all when it comes to this. like i dont desire sex and in the 6+ years ive been without a partner i never much cared to try again. its just once in a while my libido pops up and i just masturbate to get rid of it and then im back to my normal self but i use images and scenarios a lot of times its not even me kind of like i created my own porno in my head but with different characters usually from the image im looking at or what my partner would do. so if asexuals dont fantasize about others to get rid of there libido then where do i fit in..... i think im more confused then before. so am i just a normal sexual who just has a very low sex drive and my internal fear of how things went bad the first time is what makes me not want sex causing the trigger or am i something else?

I honestly could have written this myself. I'm repulsed by sex with anyone, but every now and then I get ridiculously sexually frustrated for a few days. The problem is I can't really make it go away, no matter what I do, so I'm just walking around like this weird cat in heat or something for a while, kind of looking at people thinking 'I wonder if I had sex with them it would go away...yuck no way...'. I find myself wanting to create fantasies in my head but actually it just makes it worse. So I have no idea what you are but you're not the only one haha. I consider myself autochorissexual with an occasional high libido that messes with my head. 

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@FinchO i honestly had to look up autochorissexual and keep in mind this was on a wikia but jeez i feel that sounds so much like me but yeah im not sure what you can do to get rid of your libido. from posts ive read usually a solo sex session tends to work but hmm..... although im not sure if doing the deed with another human would work and you already have a disregard to wanting to try it anyways. plus if your not careful you could meet a few bad apples so in my opinion id advise against it but thats just me. although that cat part made me laugh a little only cause ive worked with animals before and oh man that constant meowing can be just a nightmare xD 

but even thinking of a fantasy doesnt help either? hmm.... yeah i really dont know what to say other then i hope you can find a post on here that maybe shares some clues as too how to deal with your libido or perhaps create one yourself and see if others and the community have similar problems and a solution to your situation. i hope for the best on your journey :)

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