SithLord Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I don't know what it's like to remain friends with someone attracted to you, but I don't know why it would be a deal breaker. Obviously, if you no longer desire their friendship, then it's your decision to end it. And obviously if they were pushy about it (not saying they are or aren't in your situation) then it would definitely be a problem, but I'm sorry you feel so strongly about something that has happened so often. I don't think it's uncommon to be attracted to friends. It's kind of a requirement to a successful long-term relationship that you get along and I have often been told the best partner/spouse is your "best friend". I wish it were possible to prevent sexual attraction from happening where it's not desired, however. Link to post Share on other sites
Rkod75 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 It's actually a fear of mine to have a close friend want a more "intimate"(by which I mean sexual) relationship from me, because I feel like it is one of those situations where I wouldn't be able to make a decision that wouldn't damage the friendship. That being said, I don't think it is an issue for friends to have an attraction to other friends. It's actually quite common for other people to find certain friends attractive and still remain just friends. If a close friend of mine told me they were attracted to me, I wouldn't take issue with that, provided they weren't also expecting more from me than a friendship. In regards to what you said about not wanting to socialize with people anymore, I would caution against over isolating yourself, especially if you are already feeling lonely. Now in regards to your situation with this particular friend, ultimately your friend needs to understand that you are not interested in that kind of relationship, and if they are expecting more than a friendship from you, that is not okay, but I also think it is important to understand that attraction isn't something that exists by choice. Just as people don't choose to be gay, people do not choose which friends they feel an attraction for. . it is what your friend chooses to do with those feelings that is more important, the attraction in itself doesn't necessarily mean they are expecting you to oblige those feelings. If I were in that situation, I would try to speak with my friend about it first, if I found they were unable to respect how I feel about that kind of relationship, and were expecting more from me, then I would consider ending the friendship. Now this isn't me trying to tell you what is better for you, this is me putting myself in your situation, and assessing what I feel would be best if I were in that same situation. At the end of the day I don't know what is best for you, this is your decision, and you should do what you feel is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Yoruka Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I've just said NO, then carried about my day, no questions asked. Link to post Share on other sites
letusdeleteouraccounts Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 If it’s making you lonely then I think you need to take control of your life. Don’t break up with a close friend just because of feelings they can’t control, talk to them. The way to get through this is to own your asexuality to them and say “no, nobody can have me.” The feelings often go away after that because they then realize that the possibility of their feelings being acted out is basically none. I really think you guys should stay friends and the both of you just make sure he doesn’t cross any boundaries. Your community is 1% of the population, you’re not going to get what you want in a situation like this. You’re eventually not gonna be able to run from it anymore and you’re going to have to tackle it straight on Link to post Share on other sites
Alawyn-Aebt Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I agree with Star Lion's comments, just tell him you do not feel anything for him (although depending on the circumstances and if you feel romantically interested in him you may need to modify it a bit) but that you still want to remain friends. He may stop being your friend I would guess that most long-term friends would still be a friend. 14 hours ago, cigarettesatmidnight said: I feel they are expecting something from me ... No one, or very few outside of some probably at a minimum a slightly-creepy person would expect sexual connections with someone else. They might think it would be nice and really want to, but (again, outside of some sexually creepy humans) no one expects sexual relations unless there was something agreed beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 Does your friend know you're ace? Link to post Share on other sites
Nima Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 I've been in that situation back in my high school and college days. My friends were often too nervous to say anything and I was too naiiv to figure out how they felt. A few came out and told me that they liked me more than friends and unfortunately it did put quite a damper on the friendship. I felt like I hurt their feelings and was always too weary around them from this point on. It's not easy to "just stay friends" when romantic or even sexual feelings get mixed up in it. Some couldn't handle the rejection and we parted ways, others I stayed in touch with for years and very few til now (although being continents away makes things easier) . as a side note, I didn't know about asexuality then. It really depends on the person you're friends with. Try to explain to them how much you value their company but can't do anything beyond that. And if they appreciate you for you as a person, they should respect that. But probably, they will go and look for other friends as well that are on the same wavelength sexually. And you might feel hurt if they spend more time with their new friend. But don't give up on people altogether. Since you now know more about what you want and especially don't want, maybe come out to your new friends early on before they might develop deeper feelings. Saves some heartaches on both sides and establishes clear expectations early on. There are tons of awesome people out there that will appreciate you for who you are, you just haven't met all of them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Friendships can survive an unrequited crush. That someone who is wired for romantic and sexual feelings develop romantic or sexual feelings does not necessarily mean everything else was a lie. What you need to watch out for is people who get entitled and think they deserve something more after being friends for long. Dump those people immediately. But generally, a person can't help falling in love. And if they have, really the best thing they can do is ask and get a clear answer. If you have explicitly come out to your friends as someone who is not into anyone ever, then maybe they should have kept quiet. But even 'asexual' has a lot of variety within it. Some still want romantic relationships. Some think some sex sometimes is acceptable. Coming out as ace is not an armour that means no one will ever flirt with you again. Asking you out is really the smart move from your friends perspective. The way you deal with it is accept if they want to take some distance after being rejected, and otherwise continue on as normal. Rejection is a normal part of the world, it doesn't have to be a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
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