phoenixflamer Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 Hello everyone, I live in the U.S. and I identify as gay and cisgender. Although I am very much Christian, I also desire to date an asexual person who isn't at all looking for sex, and eventually end up in a long-term relationship. It's my understanding asexuality runs on a spectrum, which is why I offer this clarification. Can anyone point me towards dating sites geared towards this? Thank you, much love! Link to post Share on other sites
Back to Avalon Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 I'm not familiar with asexual dating sites, but other members will probably help you out. Some AVEN members have advised others to be careful on ace dating sites because some people on them want to "cure" asexuals. I hope that you are a caring Christian person who is looking for love without (much) sex and are not out to "fix" an asexual. It's a tradition here to welcome new members with virtual cakes, so here's a rainbow cake! Link to post Share on other sites
nineGardens Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 36 minutes ago, phoenixflamer said: Although I am very much Christian, I also desire to date an asexual person who isn't at all looking for sex Okay so..... Hate to say it, but this wording kind of sets off a whole bunch of weirdy alarm bells. Because... how to put it.... If you said you wanted to date someone based on their skin colour (I dunno say "I really want to date an asian chick"), then that would feel weird. if you specify this kind of stuff in advance it really comes across as you wanting the person to have some particular attribute (like a trophy), as opposed to being interested in THAT PERSON. If there's a specific person you have in mind, that makes sense, but as it is it doesn't sound like that. Hell, even if you just said "I'm not planning/expecting to have much sex in my marriage, hence....." But just wanting to date an Ace person... just because? WHY? Why not find a human you like, and then date or marry THEM, and not worry about if they Ace or not? Or.... or you have your own reasons and prefer to keep them to yourself. Just saying the way you worded this sort of... when I'm reading it it has unfortunate implication. Maybe others read it differently. Link to post Share on other sites
Slice of Ace Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! 🍰 Hmm, I fail to see why you would want to date an ace if you're not ace yourself. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing that you'd be up for dating an ace, but it doesn't make sense to me to have it as a preference because the relationship will be more difficult due to the disparity in sexual need. Unless you want to be celibate, I suppose. Would you care to elaborate on why you want to date an ace instead of an allo (non-ace) gay person? Link to post Share on other sites
Rkod75 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 I personally don't see anything wrong with a non-ace dating an asexual individual, provided that you are honest and straightforward about who you are and what you seek in a relationship with them, but I am curious to know why you specifically want to date an asexual if you yourself are not an asexual. I apologize if this comes off as too intrusive of a question, I don't condemn it in any way, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what you're seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 Fairly sure they want to date an ace because they're a gay Christian who believes they should remain celibate, and being with an ace would negate some of the desire. Link to post Share on other sites
letusdeleteouraccounts Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 The only thing I can think of is, I believe, OkCupid since (I think) that’s the site where you can register as an asexual. You could look through there and maybe you’ll eventually come across an ace that is looking for anyone willing to accept their sexual orientation. I’ve heard stories of aces doing this a lot of times because they can’t find other aces to date. I pray that you’re blessed with the right person and that everything goes well in your search Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 12 hours ago, nineGardens said: Okay so..... Hate to say it, but this wording kind of sets off a whole bunch of weirdy alarm bells. Because... how to put it.... If you said you wanted to date someone based on their skin colour (I dunno say "I really want to date an asian chick"), then that would feel weird. if you specify this kind of stuff in advance it really comes across as you wanting the person to have some particular attribute (like a trophy), as opposed to being interested in THAT PERSON. If there's a specific person you have in mind, that makes sense, but as it is it doesn't sound like that. Hell, even if you just said "I'm not planning/expecting to have much sex in my marriage, hence....." But just wanting to date an Ace person... just because? WHY? Why not find a human you like, and then date or marry THEM, and not worry about if they Ace or not? Or.... or you have your own reasons and prefer to keep them to yourself. Just saying the way you worded this sort of... when I'm reading it it has unfortunate implication. Maybe others read it differently. I kinda get what your saying but there was a thread about this sort of thing on AVEN ages back. (maybe it was in a TV programme as well??) Basically making the point that many people only date a certain group (or more like do not date a certain group) not because they have anything against people with said protected characteristic per se (and may have quite a few friends with said characteristic) but they know they are absolutely not at all attracted to people with that characteristic so whats the point in seeking that out or spending time or effort persuing any relationship with person of said protected characteristic. (It would be unfair to the other person for one) It mentioned how it quite often happens with the charcteristic of race/skin colour because of genetics and cultural similarities/differences. I am one of the people for whom this is true. It would really suprise me if there was the odd exception. That said, as I am greyromantic it really suprised me the one time I was romantically attracted to anyone at all. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 @phoenixflamer. Out of curiosity as a fellow christian, I would be really interested to know what you are seeking in a relationship - given that understandably you want to remain celibate and different Christians have different views as to what that constitutes. It may seem strange to you but I have difficulty reconciling Christianity and aceness sometimes because of this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 On 6/20/2019 at 1:12 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said: Fairly sure they want to date an ace because they're a gay Christian who believes they should remain celibate, and being with an ace would negate some of the desire. And - particularly living here, where the Catholic church pushes itself into politics all the time and insults gay people - my conscience doesn't allow me to believe that gay sex could be sinful, wrong, dirty, immoral or abnormal. They f... love the word "conscience"! But for them it only counts for doctors who refuse to perform a legal abortion because of their conscience! I, as a person who believes that same-sex love is morally pure as well, am refused the right to claim having a conscience! Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 20 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said: And - particularly living here, where the Catholic church pushes itself into politics all the time and insults gay people - my conscience doesn't allow me to believe that gay sex could be sinful, wrong, dirty, immoral or abnormal. They f... love the word "conscience"! But for them it only counts for doctors who refuse to perform a legal abortion because of their conscience! I, as a person who believes that same-sex love is morally pure as well, am refused the right to claim having a conscience! I agree, but the OP is (presumably) an adult capable of deciding for themself how they interpret their religion as regards their own life. We can't have freedom if we try to force individuals to go against their conscience, religious or secular. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I know. I just want to defend the moral purity possible in gay sex. Link to post Share on other sites
QueerAroAce Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 Well first off the way that was phrased sounds a bit odd. I'm assuming when they said that, they wanted to save themselves for marriage or didn't want to have sex but have all the perks of dating. Which is not weird, it sounds like casual dating even though they stated long term. Best of luck in your search, but if you do eventually want to sleep with them eventually you should bring that up first and foremost. (This kinda sounds like practice dating in a way...I'm guessing traditional aces that date with the future in mind would not approve, but having a "mr/ms. Right now partner" is fine too.) Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 Why would an asexual person necessarily want to date a gay person? Especially a gay person whose seemingly only reason for wanting a relationship with an asexual is so they don't have to have sex with them? That seems pretty cold. Also -- you may want to be celibate and think that this type of relationship will help you stay ceibate -- but it's not necessarily going to keep you from being sexually attracted to them. Another point: do you want to have that relationship so that your gayness is not obvious to your church friends or family? If so, that's pretty cold also. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 The above post is interesting and has prompted me to think again and left questions. Phoenix flamer doesnt indicate whether they want a relationship with the same gender or opposite or whether they are homo-romantic or not (but the likelihood is they are). If they were to have a same gender asexual relationship it may work but it wouldn't really hide gayness from church people given that people generally assume relationships are sexual and it would still be a gay (non -sexual) relationship anyway. I dont know if an asexual would want a relationship with someone of the opposite sex who is homoromantic given that in that case they would probably be hetro - romantic and seeking reciprocation of romantic desire for the relationship to work. That's unless a QP relationship is sought in which case it could work given that neither party would be expecting romantic feelings in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
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