Elonat Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I came out to myself as asexual about two weeks ago and to my boyfriend about half an hour later. His reaction at that point was "cool, you found a label that works for you". As far as I know, he hasn't tried to inform himself on the subject, at least not since then. I think he hadn't worked out how he feels about it then, I'm not sure about now. Or maybe he just assumes nothing will change, since I'm still the same person. The last two weeks were very busy for both of us and while we saw each other a lot, there never was a space to talk about how my discovery might affect our relationship. I'm positive it will, but I don't think that will necessarily be bad. I am not worried about him not accepting me, that won't happen. I've had two weeks to work out what I want to say and now I'm ready to say it, even if it still scares me. Now he tells me he doesn't have the capacity for that conversation right now. I know why, I completely understand it and I really want to give him the space and the support he needs to deal with his own small catastrophe (which has nothing to do with me at all). But I'm stuck on this conversation I'm waiting to have. I'm worried that if I just leave it be, I will put it off forever. I want to clear this up, to move on, but I can't. And I feel slightly selfish for it. After all, I can wait, I won't change in the days or weeks he needs, and the same things that prevent the conversation will also prevent any situations I would want to talk about before they arise. I don't know if there is any advice out there I need, but I need to get this off my chest somehow and there just doesn't seem to be anyone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 What do you hope to gain from the conversation. (somehow that sentence sounds hostile - not intended that way - intended as an honest question) Are you currently sexually active with him and want to stop, or have you not been sexually active for a while and want to explain to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 If my partner had something they needed to get off their chest, and I shrugged them off because I'd been too busy / too tired / too *WHATEVER*... idk, to me that would still make me kind of an asshole regardless. That just isn't how a supposed "partner" should act. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I know that feeling. It’s like a strange limbo. Even if you’re the same person, and even if nothing does change, having that conversation is kind of like stepping out of the door and into whatever future this revelation will lead to, and until then it just consumes you. It’s not selfish to want to address the thing that is troubling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Peachier Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 i get that. you're concerned about your relationship and how your asexuality may affect that in the long run, and you wanna communicate to your partner about it before moving forwards. maybe he doesn't want to have the conversation because he doesn't really understand what the term "asexuality" means? or maybe he's in denial that you are, and is avoiding the conversation because he thinks asexuality's a phase; i remember when i first told this guy that i really liked at the time, he immediately responded with "no you aren't. trust me. you aren't." which, mind him, it's been a year, i'm pretty sure i am. you aren't being selfish; you just want to set things straight, clear things up, tie any loose ends or confusions he might have about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Elonat Posted June 20, 2019 Author Share Posted June 20, 2019 16 hours ago, Philip027 said: If my partner had something they needed to get off their chest, and I shrugged them off because I'd been too busy / too tired / too *WHATEVER*... idk, to me that would still make me kind of an asshole regardless. That just isn't how a supposed "partner" should act. It's not that he's shrugging it off. He just has his own personal problems right now, and I don't think I'd be receptive in his situation, either. 15 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said: I know that feeling. It’s like a strange limbo. Even if you’re the same person, and even if nothing does change, having that conversation is kind of like stepping out of the door and into whatever future this revelation will lead to, and until then it just consumes you. It’s not selfish to want to address the thing that is troubling you. Exactly! It's good to know other people know that feeling, too. Link to post Share on other sites
DoubleA Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 My wife and I are currently working though understanding my asexuality together. What has helped us is that as I am soul searching and figuring out what my asexuality means to me, I am sharing the discovery with her. In any relationship communication is key. You have to make time to have the conversation. In the beginning we gave it space to breathe but for the betterment of our relationship we needed to communicate out how it will or will not change the relationship. It has brought more closeness to our relationship for doing so. Don't put off having the conversation. It's fair to give him space to come to grips with it himself and for whatever crisis he is going though but (in my opinion) after two weeks you should be able to have a conversation about it. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Elonat Posted June 26, 2019 Author Share Posted June 26, 2019 Thank you. We did finally have the conversation today. It went very well. Link to post Share on other sites
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