Melian Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 What amazes me the most about exploring asexuality is the realization that I've been having sex for other people's benefit for my entire adult life. I'm 40, married, with children. SI've had sex (not a ton of it, by some standards, I'm sure) with both women and men. I'm definitely romantic - bi- or pan-romantic, specifically - but I've never enjoyed the sex part of sex, if that makes sense. It always seemed arduous, but required. I guess I can't say it was entirely "for them" because I thought that sex was the price of love. It was for me too, but only under the assumption that it was required to have a romantic relationship. Other circumstances over the past several years have recently brought the question of my asexuality to its crisis. I notice that quite a few people on the forums realized that they were asexual early on. I sort of did too, only I didn't know it was a way you could be. I grew up with the message that, although women didn't typically like sex (which of course is a lie), they were supposed to have it to keep their marriages together. The world revolved around sex, it seemed to me, and not having it (or, specifically, seeking marriage, which came packaged with requisite sex) resulted in great familiar and societal shame. Even though I developed progressive and queer-friendly sensibilities in my teens, this message stuck with me. I grew up with an abusive mother, and this also influenced my ability to understand love and find non-toxic relationships. I thought eventually something would kick in. My sexuality (and sometimes gender identity) has been a mystery to me for much of my life. If I wasn't straight, I should be gay. If I wasn't gay, I should be bi. Or pan? Or. . .? It was only when I read that sex and romance can be separate orientations that I had the epiphany that I've never enjoyed sex. Romance, relationships, touching, being close, but never sex. Never. (Well, only insofar as what I did brought the other person happiness or satisfaction.) I would think, let's get this done, so that we can move on to just about anything else. Movies, talking, cooking, eating, etc. Anyway, I'm sorry to go on about it. The realization that my orientation might be asexual explains so much of my life, and I can't help thinking about my past interactions in terms of it. Also, I can't help wondering how I never saw it fully, until recently. Link to post Share on other sites
- Saph - Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Welcome here @Melian. Have some cake with us 🍰. I hope that you will find plenty of information and support on this site. Also if late realisations are weird, at least you are not the only one. I am 36, always been single, and only figured it out this year. Link to post Share on other sites
nineGardens Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Hey Melian. Welcome to Aven! That sounds like quiet the journey/realization/thought process. It is customary to greet new arrivals with cake, so here is one for you: Link to post Share on other sites
LilacJay Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Welcome, Melian, nice to meet you! Must be a crazy time for you right now, but you've I think it's great that you keep learning important things about yourself and that you're so open about it! I hope you like digital cheese cake Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 @Melian, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
Melian Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 Thank you so much for the support! It means a lot to not be told that I'm crazy (I know, I'm really setting the bar high). 😊 Also, I appreciate cake of all kinds! 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
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