Science and Stage Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 A while ago I met someone on OkCupid. We're both romantic asexual. We talk online, and have met in person a few times. Pretty much all of our interactions so far have been pretty platonic, at least on paper. There's been no hugging or hand holding or anything like that, but I'm not sure whether those are necessary for it to be called a relationship. I'm not confident whether there's been any flirting since I'm usually pretty oblivious to that sort of thing. But our conversations have been relatively personal. We know how we each identify, but we haven't talked about what that specifically means to each of us (since everyone's definition of what is/is not romantic is different). I'm starting to wonder whether we're actually just friends? Or whether we're moving towards a relationship, but just moving forward slowly? I've been too nervous to use words like "date" and "relationship" because I haven't wanted to put any more pressure on things than necessary. Last time we met up they described me as a friend but I'm wondering whether they also are too nervous to put more of a label on it. To be clear: I like them, and I like the slow pace so far so I can feel comfortable. But I'm also totally fine with just being friends if that's what they want, since I could use some more friends myself. The main thing that's confusing me is the fact that we met on OkCupid, a dating website (they apparently also found me on AceApp). If we had met elsewhere, but everything else was the same, I would assume they probably think we're just friends. If I ask for clarity on where we're headed, but they aren't interested, I'm scared I'll have made things awkward and potentially harmed the friendship. If I have the conversation, and they are interested, I'm scared that the label will put pressure on us to move faster or change things which is not what I want. So what do you think I should do? Am I projecting my feelings onto them, and we're actually just friends, so I should not say anything, keep hanging out as friends and start looking for a relationship elsewhere? Or is it reasonably possible that they might be interested in more? And if they actually might be interested, should I just keep going as is? Or should I risk asking them to clarify? Link to post Share on other sites
monokuro Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Both being oblivious makes things so much harder to read. How long have you been talking? It seems like you do have a romantic interest, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue and you'd be ok with the lingering friends label. I have no problem making things awkward, so I'd just outright ask. But I know that doesn't work for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Focus on what you want. What do you want out of this friendship or whatever label you like to use? Are you happy with how things are? Then calm down, you are thinking too much. Do you want a relationship? Then ask them out. There is no rule that says things have to be romantic pre-relationship. Just because its a dating site, doesn't mean much. There is no rule or expectation that you *should* date people you meet there. Okcupid has "looking for friends" option for a reason. Plenty of people use it for friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Trebledteen897 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I'm sorry that communicating about this seems like a risky option, but I still think it's your best bet if you want to: a. more the relationship into something more romantic, but want to still take it slow b. establish that you are friends and don't want anything more I know that its probably scary, and I can't really relate too much, so maybe I'm not being as understanding as I should. But I'm sure if you asked what they wanted out of the relationship, it could help you determine what you want from it. Ask them what the relationship means to them, if they like the slow pace, if they want to put a label on what you guys have. And then talk about your own feelings toward the subject. Just be clear, and work with them. I think this will help you stop worrying about this a little and also establish communication in your relationship for the future. Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Acebooklove Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Well, my best advice is too just ask. I had a similar thing happen. Met someone on a dating app, met her, we are dating now and we can say we are something else. But, we´ve met 1 and a half months ago, so I did ask what we were going to do lol. My best advice is just ask or talk about it, that´s how I told her I wanted to try and see how it went. Communication is your best bet. Trying to guess will lead to you being anxious about whats happening. Hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Ah yes - that's such a common problem. Sadly, the only way to find out for sure is to ask, and that means opening up yourself to possible rejection. If you are like me, you would be dreading the answer whether it is a "yes" or a "no" Link to post Share on other sites
Science and Stage Posted June 21, 2019 Author Share Posted June 21, 2019 Thanks to everyone who replied. To answer some of your questions: On 6/18/2019 at 11:57 AM, mkrom said: How long have you been talking? I think we started talking in November. We've only met up a couple times. Part of the reason why is because they don't live super close by. Think like an hour drive on the highway. On 6/18/2019 at 3:06 PM, Chihiro said: Focus on what you want. What do you want out of this friendship or whatever label you like to use? Are you happy with how things are? Then calm down, you are thinking too much. Do you want a relationship? Then ask them out. There is no rule that says things have to be romantic pre-relationship. Just because its a dating site, doesn't mean much. There is no rule or expectation that you *should* date people you meet there. Okcupid has "looking for friends" option for a reason. Plenty of people use it for friendship. So I checked, and their OkCupid profile says "Looking for short and long term dating, and friends." So that really doesn't change anything. Thank you for calling me out for over thinking. I knew that I was (and still am), but it's different hearing it from someone else. I'm happy with how things are, but I would even happier if it were to slowly become a relationship. I'm scared if I ask about the relationship, I'll lose the friendship. So basically I want to have my cake and eat it too. As much as I would like ask without any risk, I know that's impossible. It seems like the general consensus is to bite the bullet and ask. Is there a way to ask that isn't so direct? Like, is there a way to approach the conversation so I don't make a complete fool of myself if they just want to be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
monokuro Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 2 minutes ago, Science and Stage said: It seems like the general consensus is to bite the bullet and ask. Is there a way to ask that isn't so direct? Like, is there a way to approach the conversation so I don't make a complete fool of myself if they just want to be friends? You can subtly bring up the subject of relationships and kinda touch on what it is you're looking for.. see if you each fit in to what the other is looking for. Sometimes bringing it up yourself or hearing what they want is enough for you yourself to know if it's something you'd be willing to get involved with, and whether or not it's even an option. Not much else you can do but talk about it. Anything else I can suggest is bad advice in general and sure to ruin things if he's not on board. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 2 hours ago, Science and Stage said: It seems like the general consensus is to bite the bullet and ask. Is there a way to ask that isn't so direct? Like, is there a way to approach the conversation so I don't make a complete fool of myself if they just want to be friends? Romance and love is all about making a fool of yourself, being this careful dulls the relationship IMO. Personally, whenever I have been overthinking/unsure like you, I have been direct. And I continued being friends with those people even after confessing my feelings. I can't imagine why a good friend would cut friendship over something like this (unless they believe *you* are going to get hurt due to lack of reciprocity), its not like you are bitching about them. You are expressing something nice. And usually, people return nice feelings so I say there is good chance that he will reciprocate. Well, in my case, sure I made a fool of myself but they all reciprocated eventually- some in days, others took months (Unfortunately, turned out we were incompatible so remained friends). Better to make a fool of yourself than to wonder what-ifs, thats my take. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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