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non binary - antiandrogens effects


intrigo

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hi to everybody

I opened another discussion in susan.org to get help, but I had no support, so I write here because the group seems more active.
 I come to the point: I am a non-binary, born amab, I have been on depo-provera for two months now and i  do not take  estrogen.
 Begin to perceive same changes, but nothing visible.
 Lately, I tried to masturbate, the reasons?? boh! I say it later, well I ejaculated without realizing it and with a completely flaccid penis, I found my hand wet, yes, it disgusts me to write it but it is to make you understand that I have not  feel nothing.

 I had asked if it was normal and was told by a person "yes" but nothing else, I would need help because I am in crisis.

 I thought of many things and maybe, i have to think about it again, i thought it was impossible to have an ejaculation without an erection, i had read that I would never ejaculate as before, that it would not have been an "explosive" thing and I also wanted this feeling of  check, I'm sad, I really don't understand why I tried to masturbate, maybe the man inside me is still talking. 

I came to the question: I wanted to be more androgynous, a face and skin  more feminine , without breast development and without the awakening of my pendant but i thought that even without erections and ejaculations I would still have orgasms, try a different, more extended pleasure without  finish quickly with a splash !!  instead ... nothing I feelt nothing down there and I'm disappointed.
 What does this mean?  Will I have no more orgasms?  Does it make sense, if I feel like it, to masturbate?  or should I consider it only an exercise / mental effort to do only to avoid losing the size of the "gallows pendant" (assuming i want it, i would like to have very small penis)?  can someone help me understand this feeling, what I feel and these doubts and uncertainties?  what's behind this?  what I do?  Is it right that I continue?  it's wrong?  Is it normal to feel something?
 Is it normal to ejaculate slowly without erections and without pleasure? It seems almost a violence I do to my body, I want or I don't want, I must or not, I can or I can't, even my brain doesn't understand what it wants, maybe because it doesn't have  feedback, that feeling of ugly and strange not being able to explain and understand, is frustrating, like having two people in the same body, two identities, but also as two different bodies and a brain.

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Taking antiandrogens without any replacement hormones will likely result in bone mineral loss and eventually osteoporosis. I highly recommend speaking to your healthcare provider about this. 

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i know but i take low dosage of depo-provera.

my testosterone level is lower than a man's and higher than a woman's.

I wanted to know if someone has crossed or is going through my same path, my doubts and tell me how he overcame them, what they gave up

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Just Somebody

Some Transgender amab sex workers on hormones take viagra to maintain their jobs.

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I would take Viagra to get an erection, if you mean it, but I don't want this, it's fine for me to arrive with a flaccid penis, but I would like to feel pleasure.  I repeat to myself saying that I have ejaculated with musket penis and I have not noticed it

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