oldish dad weighing in

[yeah_buddy]

Hello folks. 42, new to this site, having a pretty rough go of things.

 

I'm a married man with a two year-old son. I used to be a lush, which led to very brief sexual relationships. These usually ended due to my eventually apparent lack of interest of sex, lack of interest in physical affection. I don't kiss much, can't really hold hands. Alcohol had a way of letting people who wanted in into my life, but I never sought the connections. Before my drinking days, I was always alone. I lost my virginity at age 27 to a close friend and moved on. Other people seemed to come at me and walk away bewildered.

 

So, yeah, a drunken rendezvous happened with the woman who turned out to be my wife, resulting in the kid. And now we're in a pretty hellish situation. Once I dried out I realized I wasn't interested at all. A difficult birth, a difficult experience changing careers in a new city and country, money and housing problems have all battered our relationship. But the real crux of it is that she is a sexual, tactile person, and I'm just not. I've reduced my wife "to nothing", in her words, by being unwilling or unable to reciprocate in a sexual, physically affectionate way, and I walk a pretty fine line between being completely guilt-ridden and miserable about that, and unapologetically being someone who is not a sexual person.

 

It's totally destroyed our lives. I live in this inexplicable cold and cut-off way, in her view. She's resentful and wants something more, which I completely understand. I feel absolutely terrible that I'm not the sort of person she thought she was getting. But I just want to be alone. I don't know what to do, and she is miserable. I don't see how we can even plan some kind of compromise. The last time we got into that position I came off so cold she cried, I cried, and I didn't really know what to say. She wants another child but our sexless marriage isn't going to produce that, and shouldn't.

 

I'm a romantic. I love talking and walking, being excited, staying up all night. She's quiet. We're speaking a different love language.

 

Oh, and I have a kid.  It's hard, baby. Just had to throw this somewhere where it seemed someone might catch it.

[Guest]

Good luck. I can't say much more; I'm not really a person fit to give advise. At least your story has been heard.

[Skycaptain]

@yeah_buddy, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

 

Can I suggest that you look at Asexual Relationships and SPFA threads, where you may find people who have had similar experiences

[yeah_buddy]

Thanks, will do.

[TimeDelay]

TimeDelay I am new to this site and this is my first post. I hope you won't mind me responding to what you have written @yeahbuddy. I believe my husband is asexual so perhaps I can empathise more with your wife in this instance. I feel her pain but I feel yours too. My husband and I have been together almost thirty years so, I guess I'm speaking from many years living in the kind of hell you allude to. You don't mention how you feel about your wife; if you love her. This may sound harsh but if you do not love her, please let her go. No matter how painful and messy life will no doubt be for you both in the short term, it's possible for co-parents to work together well if you are both prepared to put the wellbeing of your child first. Right now it sounds like your wife is struggling with all the hurt and fear that comes with realising the life imagined/expected is not to be. If you can explain that you cannot give her what she needs (and it is not a choice you are making; it simply 'is') perhaps she will find the strength to accept that and work with you to find a new path. I have spent the last couple of days reading the various conversations in these forums and didn't really feel I had anything to say, until I saw your post. I'm not in the habit of giving advice on such serious topics, especially to people I don't know and tbh I'm feeling uncomfortable 'butting in'. I just think, that you have not been together long and by your account are mismatched. I understand your relationship is not the same as mine but there are similarities. I feel saddened reading so much heartache among these forums. Life is too short to spend in doomed relationships. If both people cannot be bring themselves to call a halt then my advice to anyone who seeks it has to be, find enough bravery for both of you. At least for a little while, to get you both through the hard time ahead. Don't try to avoid hurting your wife; it's too late. Be honest, direct and kind. Set her free to find what she needs with someone else. I'm so sorry. I hope you both find a way to a joyful life, somehow.

[InvisibleSquid]

I feel your pain. I’m also (almost) 42, married, have five kids, and only just realized my asexuality two weeks ago. It’s been tough, and I know my wife is hurting from it. She is trying, though, and I’m glad for that. She’s making an effort. I just don’t know how much she is hiding from me while she comes to terms with things. I know she already feels like she wishes she had known this about me before we got married 12 years ago. Anyway, I’m not trying to make this about me. I just wanted to chime in and say you’re not alone here. 🍰

[Purple Wanderer]

Kids pick up on bad relationhips. Divorce is rough but often easier on them and way you describe the situation I know what  I'd be doing

[yeah_buddy]

On 6/28/2019 at 3:37 PM, TimeDelay said:

TimeDelay I am new to this site and this is my first post. I hope you won't mind me responding to what you have written @yeahbuddy. I believe my husband is asexual so perhaps I can empathise more with your wife in this instance. I feel her pain but I feel yours too. My husband and I have been together almost thirty years so, I guess I'm speaking from many years living in the kind of hell you allude to. You don't mention how you feel about your wife; if you love her. This may sound harsh but if you do not love her, please let her go. No matter how painful and messy life will no doubt be for you both in the short term, it's possible for co-parents to work together well if you are both prepared to put the wellbeing of your child first. Right now it sounds like your wife is struggling with all the hurt and fear that comes with realising the life imagined/expected is not to be. If you can explain that you cannot give her what she needs (and it is not a choice you are making; it simply 'is') perhaps she will find the strength to accept that and work with you to find a new path. I have spent the last couple of days reading the various conversations in these forums and didn't really feel I had anything to say, until I saw your post. I'm not in the habit of giving advice on such serious topics, especially to people I don't know and tbh I'm feeling uncomfortable 'butting in'. I just think, that you have not been together long and by your account are mismatched. I understand your relationship is not the same as mine but there are similarities. I feel saddened reading so much heartache among these forums. Life is too short to spend in doomed relationships. If both people cannot be bring themselves to call a halt then my advice to anyone who seeks it has to be, find enough bravery for both of you. At least for a little while, to get you both through the hard time ahead. Don't try to avoid hurting your wife; it's too late. Be honest, direct and kind. Set her free to find what she needs with someone else. I'm so sorry. I hope you both find a way to a joyful life, somehow.

I really feel all that, friend, and I am sorry for your own pain. I love and care for this person, but this thing is such a huge wall between us that resentment and misunderstanding has clouded all that, and there's so much bad feeling. In truth I'm totally willing to let her go, because her need for that sexual and physical dynamic is strong it's plain to me that she is suffering deeply without having it, and I hate to see her feel miserable. At the same time, I can't go on being the bad guy in this, can't go on being faulted for not behaving "normally." When I've discussed this with her she asks me, "Have you ever even met anyone who acts like you do?" I know that anger comes from a place of pain, an unwillingness to believe me, and man, that hurts both ways, because it is clear she thinks it is about her. But, as you say, this "simply 'is'". Out of a desire to be a good parent and perhaps to change somehow, I've blundered into this. As you say, it's too late to avoid the hurt, and there's plenty to go around. We definitely need to find a different path.

 

I'm also not in the habit of posting on forums so I appreciate your words.

[yeah_buddy]

And I guess I'd add too that all this is a result of two pretty unhappy people going in fairly different directions making a fateful, unfortunate encounter, and trying to sort it all out after the fact. Don't do that.

[TimeDelay]

@yeah_buddy Can you direct her to this website? I'm open to receiving private messages if she wants to talk. It might help a little if she realises that there are many more people "like you" out there. You're right though, she does believe that it's her and it will take longer than it should for her to truly trust your truth. I really wish that ALL of us had been aware of asexuality before we all got hurt this badly. Feeling for you and your wife too @Ace of J Here's to future generations doing better!

[Memento1]

I'm sorry for what you've been through: it sucks to feel trapped, shamed, and unheard.

 

I know it sounds trite, but I would recommend a marriage and family therapist.  Their job is not to keep a marriage together; it's to work through the baggage, the wall of resentment and misunderstanding, as you put it, regardless of the outcome.  Divorce may end up being the solution, but it would be reached in a not so acrimonious and guilt-ridden way.  That way you both can move on smarter and without tons of baggage that will poison future relationships.