KoiFishShoes Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Is anyone else oblivious to when they are being flirted with? Or if they are unintentionally flirting with someone else? Unless someone is being very blatant, I don't notice the difference between flirting and being friendly, and coming from me, intentional flirting usually takes the form of nerdy, intellectual jokes over a shared interest. I know I missed out on at least one potentially great relationship over this when I was younger, and I may be now, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Zagadka Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I'm pretty oblivious. Hindsight is useful; there are several people I'd like to call up and apologize to, either for being too friendly or for not taking the hint. Since I'm not looking for it in anyone, I tend to miss the nuance. I view late night walks and such as platonic hanging out. I'm a little touchy and people could lay their head on my shoulder and I'd just sit there clueless that something noteworthy was happening (I'm remembering one incident specifically). Never crosses my mind that someone randomly making tea for someone when they're sick is sending signals. Just seems being nice. Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Same, I don't get it. I'm just trying to be nice if I can, that's it. At least I've learned that if normal people are nice to me, they either want to use me for something or trying to get into my pants... Makes me very glad I'm a natural hermit, since I don't have to deal with any of that 😺 Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Being oblivious to flirting is one of the hallmarks of Asperger's. I know because for years before I was diagnosed, what I now can be pretty sure were bits of behavior that just annoyed me (looking at my feet, playing dumb, acting helpless, etc) were flirt gestures. Meanness is another form of flirting, one which I absolutely hate. My great-grandmother used to look at my feet a lot and stare at me when I was a tween. Decades later, a non-autisic female friend explained to me that my ggm was trying to teach me how to pick up on flirt signals. I never picked it up. A few times, women have approached me and asked me "what is (fill in the blank)?" To which I'd answer very matter-of-factly, "look it up in the dictionary." It never failed—they'd allofasudden give me a dirty look and walk away. Now I know why. Link to post Share on other sites
Shyni Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Yeah, I'm pretty oblivious. This actually came up very recently when somebody I thought was just being nice was flirting with me. I wouldn't have even figured it out if my friend hadn't pointed it out to me; my friend was talking to me about this guy, and how it amused them when they flirted with me, and I was like "OH, That's flirting?" O_o I had noticed they were acting differently to other people, but I just thought they were just being funny, trying to make people laugh. I didn't realise that A) it was directed at me B) that this was them being flirty. Now I know they were flirting though, I'm not really sure what to do with this information. The way my brain works, I only know how to deal with situations I have pre-made plans for, and it never occurred to me to make a plan for "what to do if somebody flirts with me". Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Disa Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 This is one of those things that is difficult to be on the Ace spectrum. I never flirt with in my mind, and super friendly, huggy and get close to ppl. But generally it works pretty good even if I guess I confusing some ppl sometime, but ppl understand I am that way pretty fast. And I am good to feel what kind of closeness ppl wants. I never understand if ppl flirt back thou, because I my mind everything is just friendly. I know it was a bad explained, but what I wanted to say that I understand I am different in that way, but it just not a problem. One friend told me ones that I am super nice with everyone and she would not understand if I was actually would flirt if she could understand the difference, I do think she wanted me to flirt with her, thou. I think it just my mind set, flirting for me is only when someone take time and dig deep each others souls. Link to post Share on other sites
- Saph - Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I can see it coming sometimes when it is really obvious. It is always easier to detect when it happens to others and I don't mind seing that too much. I can also be nice (without second thoughts) and then some people are jumping to conclusions. I like deep discussions but I don't like flirting. The main issue is that I have a hard time reciprocating or declining in a courteous manner when it happens. So it usually ends with the person unhappy and me regretting how I said it or the frightening glares that I sent. Because I was complaining about being flirted with at clubs (I went there to dance), my best friend once offered me a book 'how to make guys run away' and invited me to gay and LGBT friendly parties. I didn't need that book but the parties were fun 🤩... Link to post Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 22 hours ago, koifishshoes said: Is anyone else oblivious to when they are being flirted with? Or if they are unintentionally flirting with someone else? Unless someone is being very blatant, I don't notice the difference between flirting and being friendly, and coming from me, intentional flirting usually takes the form of nerdy, intellectual jokes over a shared interest. I know I missed out on at least one potentially great relationship over this when I was younger, and I may be now, as well. Same. I miss all the queues (my best friend has told me this often). Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Usually I can’t tell when it’s happening (though I’ve gotten better at reading events as they are happening), but I can usually look back at stuff that happened not that long ago and start connecting the dots and noticing things that would be considered flirting. Link to post Share on other sites
wirewalker Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I'm super oblivious to flirting. Most things that people consider "flirting" I consider being comfortable with a friend. I don't really understand how someone can express interest in a romantic or sexual relationship without explicitly saying that's what they want. So yes, flirting confuses me. Another side of that topic is the concept of people "accidentally flirting". My partner gets told all the time that he flirts with everyone, but it's not his intention. He's just a nice person who likes to connect with other people. In my opinion, you can't flirt unless you're trying to. If your intention isn't to flirt with someone (or make them think you are), that's not what you're doing. If they misunderstand it, that's where communication comes in and you each explain where you're coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Innuendo I can do. But the subtle stuff escapes me. Link to post Share on other sites
wyrdwyrm Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I'm sooooooo blind to it, and I worry that being nice in response might be seen as reciprocating the interest. I'm also apparently good at accidentally flirting when I'm just really interested in making friends with someone, which can backfire spectacularly. "Why did that person run away?" "They thought you were coming on to them." "Whaaaaat? Aw, dang." Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Yep. I've once had an admirer who eventually got tired of dropping hints. I apparently have Asperger's, so yeah. Quote My great-grandmother used to look at my feet a lot and stare at me when I was a tween. Decades later, a non-autisic female friend explained to me that my ggm was trying to teach me how to pick up on flirt signals. I never picked it up. 1) That's really weird if true 2) I think it's far more likely she was doing that because she was just, y'know, old. Old people tend to space out Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I'm pretty oblivious too. I'm not aware of flirting at all. It is like a foreign language that I can't hear as if it would be on infrasonic frequency. I've tried to learn some patterns to end the flirting even before it begins but I am still pretty deaf to it. Especially all the subtle stuff is hard to recognize. Link to post Share on other sites
KoiFishShoes Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 On 6/16/2019 at 11:44 PM, Woodworker1968 said: Being oblivious to flirting is one of the hallmarks of Asperger's. 6 hours ago, Philip027 said: Yep. I've once had an admirer who eventually got tired of dropping hints. I apparently have Asperger's, so yeah. While I've mildly wondered if I have Asperger's for a few years, I finally looked up several websites on women with autism and read almost two whole books since Sunday. My reaction has been very, "Oh. OH. Ohhhhhh. That would make sense." Besides being oblivious to flirting signals, it being significantly easier to be friends with men than women, balance problems while learning to ride a bike, and occasional bouts of needing to drop most/all college classes in a semester and try again later are experiences that particularly stand out to me. I'll have to look into this. For anyone else who is curious, this website is helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
verymelancholic Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 I'm unbelievably oblivious to anything that remotely resembles to flirting. I've said that I still wouldn't know even if it slapped me in the face. It's either I'm oblivious, or I'm so hideous I repulse everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
DryRain Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 I can tell when people hit on other people, but when (rarely because I don't like going outside) I get hit on I can never tell and one of my friends will point it out to me later. Link to post Share on other sites
Nima Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 There you go, you are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
German User Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 verb (used without object) 1. to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love; coquet. So this is how the dictionary defines "Flirt"... I guess I am not oblivious to it all of the times. But: Ok, I am a nerd and people see it. I dont have a problem with my appearance and I know I am not that much of a wreck but still people make assumptions that I am a single and (probably sexually) frustrated nerd. Now, there are some girls that "flirt" (Going by the definition) with me. That annoys me. It might be because I've been bullied at school and girls tended to laugh about me, but when they flirts with me in a sort of obvious manner just to "Stress out the nerd" I can tell. If someone flirted with me on other occasions (which I doubt) I have not noticed it. So sort of 50:50 on the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 I have Aphantasia, it makes it very difficult for me to understand flirting. I have more recently learned some skills by wat hing certain romantic scenes with my partner, where she explains to me what is going on I, and others have posted more about this here.... Link to post Share on other sites
aisofhearts Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 6 hours ago, Nima said: There you go, you are not alone. OH MY GOD YES! I am so scared that I will accidentally flirt with someone without realizing. I only ever want to flirt with my boyfriend and that's pretty obvious to me because it's all jokes and such. A very big fear of mine is that someone will be flirting with me without me realizing and then get mad at me for "leading them on". Jokes and puns are my thing and I worry that my jokes and such may come off as flirting when that is NOT the intention at all. If only there was a book that said this is flirting and this is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 As many people can attest, I’m nearly completely hopeless when it comes to flirting. I can only recognize it with the help of hindsight and the insistence of friends and classmates. I think I’ve had issues with either accidentally leading people on or rejecting them by mistake. I just assume people know I’m not the type to engage in that sort of behavior, but then I remember I’m too good at hiding in the closet. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleSquid Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I am also very oblivious to flirting. I always just attributed it to me being autistic, since I’m just oblivious to many other social behaviors, but I guess being Ace can also cause us to miss the flirt. I had no idea my wife was flirting with me for over a year, until she flat out wrote me a letter explaining her feelings. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Tintinfan Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I am very oblivious to flirting or being hit on. Guess that's good. Link to post Share on other sites
WildWest Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I can usually tell, I just pretend I don't. One reason is that I am not interested, the other is that I am not very good at flirting and don't want to embarrass myself. Link to post Share on other sites
rainbowocollie Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 The one time I thought someone was flirting with me he ended up not being interested in me in actuality. lol So I guess I don't really know the first thing about flirting Link to post Share on other sites
MikaKay Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 I'm super oblivious. Someone asked my for my phone number before and I almost gave it until a friend pulled me aside and explained that (much-older) dude was flirting with me. I've found that if I have to ask myself the question of if someone is flirting with me they inevitably are. Link to post Share on other sites
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