Don't Know if I'm asexual?

[ChilliPepper32]

Hi,

 

Okay, so I'm a 20 year old female who has had plenty of crushes but hasn't had sex yet. I'm beginning to wonder if I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum or just anxiety ridden or perhaps just have a low libido. The definition of asexual does and does not fit me and it's as confusing as hell!

 

Firstly, I have anxiety and 'trauma issues' from being bullied that have led to terrible low self esteem issues. I am in the middle of going through therapy in order to access, process and recover from my shitty adolescent years. I don't know if this is the fundamental reason I feel the way I do or if I am actually on the asexual spectrum. Here goes my explanation:

 

Ever since I have been younger I have always found myself 'attracted' to a certain type of guy: long hair, muscular, tall, etc. I still do to this day although I obviously find other men attractive to. If I see a good-looking guy on the street I will act shy, want them to notice me and love it when they check me out. It makes me feel attractive. I always loved it when boys gave me attention and would often fantasise about having the perfect boyfriend. There were always boys at school I had crushes on because they were good-looking and I remember kissing a few times. All normal I suppose. I can identify if I find a guy attractive or not. 

 

Secondary school was slightly different: if there was a attractive boy, again, I wanted to be liked back and I would imagine them kissing me and having them date me. However, I didn't really think too much about sex until I was around 16-17. Whenever someone spoke about sex before that age I was usually very like "WHAT!? AT THIS AGE!?" and my parents encouraged this thought. I didn't like talking about it either but I began to get curious at about 16. Bearing in mind I was going through depression and anxiety at this sensitive time. I didn't feel the need to engage in any sexual activities, I just assumed it would happen when I was older and within a romantic situation. 

 

At college (age 16-18) I just assumed I'd get a boyfriend and would eventually have sex. This never happened, there were boys I 'fancied' but nothing ever came of it. At this time I fantasised about sex (unfortunately it was always two men, sorry for fetishizing, or sometimes me and a 'daydream' boyfriend. It would be arousing but obviously this never manifested in real life as I was single). As I began work there were plenty of men I would say were gorgeous and wanted to pursue a relationship with BUT the thing with me is, sex is always a POTENTIAL: I would never date a man I didn't find attractive...however the one thing I seem to lack is the PHYSICAL pull to have sex. Yes, I fancy men, yes I want a relationship and I believe sex is a potential when getting involved with a man, but I never look at someone and feel a physiological pull to engage in sex. I want to have sex, I'm curious and excited at the prospect but have never felt any physical signs to actually pursue sex with someone. It's always just thinking a man is gorgeous/sexually appealing (despite no physical signs I pick up on from myself), wanting to date and I supposed sex would come naturally. I don't get the warm feeling or a tingly feeling or anything like that, almost as if I lack a physical desire to have sex...but...at the same time I want to have sex? Mentally I think about it a lot. 

 

Another thing, kissing. I daydreamed just fine about kissing and kissed when I was younger just fine. However, when I actually snogged a guy (in a club with cold lips) I was reluctant. When I did I was happy as he was fit and it was my first kiss, however I couldn't get into the rhythm of it. He was quick, his lips were cold, I didn't feel any physical enjoyment and I had no idea what to do or what he was doing. I kissed him multiple times as it was exciting and he was good looking, however, I didn't get any PHYSICAL satisfaction from it that I remember. Just a giddy feeling because it was my first adult experience, he was older and attractive. 

 

My first proper date with someone else was a disaster: He was physically attractive but our personalities didn't click very well. He was okay but not necessarily what I was looking personality wise, he was quite arrogant and we had different life views. When he came back to mine the alcohol I had drank wore off (when tipsy I was certain I could sleep with him) and he lay on the bed. I couldn't even sit with him on there, I couldn't even imagine doing anything sexual with him. I felt uneasy. It filled me with anxiety and dread and I felt sick. I kissed him to try it and again I couldn't get into the rhythm of it or get any satisfaction from it. I settled for a quick peck. After that I didn't want him kissing me or being near me so I broke it off before out third date. It was way worse than the club kisser! I didn't expect to feel like that at all, it sill scared me the way I reacted. 

 

Now I am in contact with a guy who is definitely my type and I suppose is decent to talk to. Again, not necessarily completely compatible but I have yet to meet him in person properly. I met him at pre-drinks and remember thinking was bloody good looking! I want to sleep with him partly out of curiosity and partly out of frustration as I haven't experienced sex yet, as well as that he's physically attractive. He's the closest thing to my type I'm going to get so far but again I feel no PHSYICAL sensation to engage in sex with him. I am just absolutely terrified I'll get to kissing him and won't be able to go through with it because I feel so sick, anxious and averted to it. I am so paranoid about what he'll think of me, if I'll be good, if I'll even enjoy it or if it'll hurt and a whole load of other things. It's like the potential of sex is extremely appealing to me but as soon as a boy makes a move on me to sleep with me I hit the PANIC button and I'm tearful, nervous and sick. It's getting worse as I'm getting older and find myself still a virgin. Even googling dildos has terrified me (TMI, sorry) and made me tearful, in case it turns out I am actually asexual.

 

In summary and what is so confusing:

 

-I find a guy good looking, desire a relationship with him and just see sex as something that will naturally occur for me if I EVER get that physical pull to engage in it. I want sex basically, just when it comes to possibly happening I do a U turn and internally feel sick, NO, get away, etc. 

-I have felt the psychological feelings of desire but no physical ones: I don't feel physically motivated to sleep with someone; I'm scared, feel sick and just automatically think NO. However, again, I know sex is something I do want to engage in. (See the conflict!?) and I find myself flirting, finding men attractive, wanting a relationship, etc. 

-I always consider sex a potential and I don't think I could go through life not experiencing this thing that I've heard and expect to be great and sensual/pleasurable and amazing. 

-I've never felt the need to 'pleasure' myself physically but now I admit I'm curious.

-What I define as sexual attraction is finding a guy good looking and wanting his romantic and sexual attention, then assuming I'll get those physical feelings I seem to missing.

 

I just want to know why I panic when it comes to sex and instantly shut down and avoid it. Like I can't bring myself to actually go through with it. I'd like to kiss a boyfriend, blink, then be in the middle of sex as that would help a lot!! Or take a little pill and allow thing to come naturally.

 

**With asexuality the thing I can relate to is not experiencing the provocation to physically begin sex. Do I find men attractive? Yes. Do I want to have sex? Yes. The why can't I seem to experience this natural, physical motivational state that leads to sex. Like I said, blinking and being at the beginning of the act would probably be perfect for me!!**

 

 

It's almost like the pursuit of sexual gratification (with myself or someone else) is something I'm scared of or anxious about, but at the same time I experience attraction and DO want to experience sex. It's just seems so unknown and foreign to me.

 

Any thoughts? Help a gal out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 16, 2019 by ChilliPepper32

[Hylethilei]

Wow, that was a lot to read but I am sure it was also a lot to type out as well so I took the time to read it all. From my personal life experience, clubs are not typically the best places to go when trying to meet other people looking for serious relationships (if that is what you are looking for anyways) because the element of alcohol mixed with a toxic sexual environment and you could go to other public places where you live instead. I just really really hate clubs because of all the craziness I have seen over the past 9 years or so and if you make the decision to one night stand in an environment like that you are inviting chaos into your life, so why do that? 

[ChilliPepper32]

22 minutes ago, BornSlippy said:

Wow, that was a lot to read but I am sure it was also a lot to type out as well so I took the time to read it all. From my personal life experience, clubs are not typically the best places to go when trying to meet other people looking for serious relationships (if that is what you are looking for anyways) because the element of alcohol mixed with a toxic sexual environment and you could go to other public places where you live instead. I just really really hate clubs because of all the craziness I have seen over the past 9 years or so and if you make the decision to one night stand in an environment like that you are inviting chaos into your life, so why do that? 

That's not really the point, I'm debating whether or not I'm on the Asexual spectrum or whether I have deep rooted anxiety. And yeah it took ages to write! 😂😂

[NickyTannock]

@ChilliPepper32 Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Red Hot Chilli Pepper Cake,

[nineGardens]

Hmmm.... Reading what you've posted up... your experience does not sounds like mine, nor like a lot of those I've heard other people here.

 

Lots of people get used to sex and/or relationships and different times, and the way you describe noticing guys and WANTING TO BE noticed feels...maybe not the same as many of the experiences here?

It sounds totally normal, and valid, and like lots and lots of people experience!

Sex is weird.

Relationships are weird.

Our culture isn't very good at teaching us about healthy ones.

 

But things like...

 

Quote

I find myself flirting, finding men attractive, wanting a relationship, etc. 

Like.... I barely even know what flirting IS. This idea that someone could just "Find themself flirting" is confusing to me, and I suspect confusing to many of the other people here.

 

The idea of using the word "Sensual" or WANTING someone's sexual attention is just like... really confusing. I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean that you wanting that is almost certainly completely normal, and expected and a reasonable response... but may be an indicator that Ace might not be the best label for your experience of the world.

 

 

Quote

I just want to know why I panic when it comes to sex and instantly shut down and avoid it. Like I can't bring myself to actually go through with it. I'd like to kiss a boyfriend, blink, then be in the middle of sex as that would help a lot!! Or take a little pill and allow thing to come naturally.

 

The little pill you are talking about is probably called roofies. Or Alcohol. Or any number of other such chemicals.

Please please please don't go this way. I know its your life and you do what you want, but the kind of guy who would want to have a girl "Just wake up and be in the middle of sex" is not a safe person.

 

Its okay to panic. Sex is weird. And high stakes. And probably you want to take it super super slow, and its scary because we WANT people to like us, and we especially want our partners to like us and... and all those other things.

 

But like... A really important part of sex is the feelings of trust, and connection, and as it turns out there are no cheat codes on those things. Hate to say it, but if you just try and magic past and get to the sex part you get.... well something purely physical at best (which is generally pretty meh), and something really unsafe at worst (which is significantly worse than meh).

 

I'm not sure I can advise you on how to get from "I find dudes attractive but freak out" to "This is a nice boyfriend, I think I will jump in bed with him"... but I do think that... sort of lots of your talking has been about the physical component, the attraction, the sex.

Well... maybe think about what you want from a relationship. From another human being who will be a big chunk of your life for a few weeks or months or whatever.

 

Not saying everyone has to be in a relationship or whatever. Casual works for some people. Just saying that if PANIC BUTTON MODE is a issue for you, then maybe something slower and more trust focused will work better than "lets skip to the good bit".

[NickyTannock]

@nineGardens I think you were far more helpful than I was here.

 

 

[ChilliPepper32]

23 minutes ago, nineGardens said:

Hmmm.... Reading what you've posted up... your experience does not sounds like mine, nor like a lot of those I've heard other people here.

 

Lots of people get used to sex and/or relationships and different times, and the way you describe noticing guys and WANTING TO BE noticed feels...maybe not the same as many of the experiences here?

It sounds totally normal, and valid, and like lots and lots of people experience!

Sex is weird.

Relationships are weird.

Our culture isn't very good at teaching us about healthy ones.

 

But things like...

 

Like.... I barely even know what flirting IS. This idea that someone could just "Find themself flirting" is confusing to me, and I suspect confusing to many of the other people here.

 

The idea of using the word "Sensual" or WANTING someone's sexual attention is just like... really confusing. I don't mean that in a mean way, I mean that you wanting that is almost certainly completely normal, and expected and a reasonable response... but may be an indicator that Ace might not be the best label for your experience of the world.

 

 

 

The little pill you are talking about is probably called roofies. Or Alcohol. Or any number of other such chemicals.

Please please please don't go this way. I know its your life and you do what you want, but the kind of guy who would want to have a girl "Just wake up and be in the middle of sex" is not a safe person.

 

Its okay to panic. Sex is weird. And high stakes. And probably you want to take it super super slow, and its scary because we WANT people to like us, and we especially want our partners to like us and... and all those other things.

 

But like... A really important part of sex is the feelings of trust, and connection, and as it turns out there are no cheat codes on those things. Hate to say it, but if you just try and magic past and get to the sex part you get.... well something purely physical at best (which is generally pretty meh), and something really unsafe at worst (which is significantly worse than meh).

 

I'm not sure I can advise you on how to get from "I find dudes attractive but freak out" to "This is a nice boyfriend, I think I will jump in bed with him"... but I do think that... sort of lots of your talking has been about the physical component, the attraction, the sex.

Well... maybe think about what you want from a relationship. From another human being who will be a big chunk of your life for a few weeks or months or whatever.

 

Not saying everyone has to be in a relationship or whatever. Casual works for some people. Just saying that if PANIC BUTTON MODE is a issue for you, then maybe something slower and more trust focused will work better than "lets skip to the good bit".

That's honestly so helpful and suprisingly relieving to hear I may not be ace. I feel like Sexual means to want to instantly, physically have sex. I don't get that feeling and it worried me. 

I'm very concerned about this still but honestly, you've helped so much. You're an amazing human being!! Its good to hear that maybe the label of 'sexual' is just as different and varied as the label of 'asexual', and that sex is actually weird 😂😂.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read it! ♥️

 

 

[ChilliPepper32]

43 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@ChilliPepper32 Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Red Hot Chilli Pepper Cake,

Thanks for replying, but I'm kinda panicking. What makes you think I'm asexual? I'm definitely attracted to men but I don't get the physical pull to have sex. I have everything else but that physical urge. 

Is it possible I just haven't experienced it yet or am I actually asexual?

[Zagadka]

It is important to take some time and not panic. Figuring out something like this has confused people for years. It took me a very long confused time, and it is not a feeling that can be rushed or one that is permanent. The very fact that you are asking the questions and looking for help speaks a lot.

 

The ace spectrum can be pretty complicated... and subjective. No one can really tell you what you're feeling towards other people. While it is about the desire to not have sex, feelings on romantic attraction or aesthetic attraction vary greatly. Being attracted to someone or wanting to be in a relationship with them is normal, even if the desire for physical intimacy or sex is not felt. It gets hard for other people to understand that their partner is just not interested in sex, and that really bothers some. The goal is to just be comfortable in not doing something you really don't want to.

[NickyTannock]

23 minutes ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

Thanks for replying, but I'm kinda panicking.

I'm sorry if I caused you to panic. I'm just trying to answer your question as best I can.

 

23 minutes ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

What makes you think I'm asexual?

I think you could be Asexual because you don't experience a pull to have sex, which would be Sexual Attraction.

 

26 minutes ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

I'm definitely attracted to men but I don't get the physical pull to have sex. I have everything else but that physical urge. 

Asexuals can be attracted to people in other ways, and it sounds like you are.

 

29 minutes ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

Is it possible I just haven't experienced it yet or am I actually asexual?

It is possible. I think the first step to finding out would be to overcome your anxieties.

But I don't think to force yourself into sexual encounters will do that, seeking some form of therapy might be a better option.

[ChilliPepper32]

1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

I'm sorry if I caused you to panic. I'm just trying to answer your question as best I can.

 

I think you could be Asexual because you don't experience a pull to have sex, which would be Sexual Attraction.

 

Asexuals can be attracted to people in other ways, and it sounds like you are.

 

It is possible. I think the first step to finding out would be to overcome your anxieties.

But I don't think to force yourself into sexual encounters will do that, seeking some form of therapy might be a better option.

Yeah I totally get that. It's hard for me to put into words but that physical thing/pull/physical desire is not there to engage in sex. The mental bit is, the curiosity is. What I experience as "sexual attraction" would be thinking they look appealing, gorgeous, etc and wanting to pursue a relationship which will ultimately include something physical. It's just attempting to achieve that 'motivational state' and 'physical urge' that's the problem.

 

That's why I'm really confused about the Ace label: I experience alot of what asexuals would not, but like Asexuals, I'm missing physicals sensations that will help me along in the process of sex 😂😂 

 

I don't know if that qualifies as asexual or gray asexual or even demisexual. I thought I was normal until realising being a Virgin at 20 was weird and other girls were happily taking guys back to their place without a care in the world. I guess I need something with a little more substance?

 

Thanks for my Chilli cake 😂🤩

Edited June 16, 2019 by ChilliPepper32

[ChilliPepper32]

1 hour ago, Zagadka said:

It is important to take some time and not panic. Figuring out something like this has confused people for years. It took me a very long confused time, and it is not a feeling that can be rushed or one that is permanent. The very fact that you are asking the questions and looking for help speaks a lot.

 

The ace spectrum can be pretty complicated... and subjective. No one can really tell you what you're feeling towards other people. While it is about the desire to not have sex, feelings on romantic attraction or aesthetic attraction vary greatly. Being attracted to someone or wanting to be in a relationship with them is normal, even if the desire for physical intimacy or sex is not felt. It gets hard for other people to understand that their partner is just not interested in sex, and that really bothers some. The goal is to just be comfortable in not doing something you really don't want to.

Hey!! Thanks for replying. This is the confusing thing. I'm most definitely interested in sex, I definitely find men attractive: I'd never date a guy I couldn't potentially have sex with.

 

However, I seem to be missing the physical pull every sexual person seems to experience. I have too much anxiety. I don't know if it's because I'm Asexual, or because I haven't met the right person, or being I'm too nervous.

 

 

I want to but then there's so many 'buts' and nerves and I just automatically get freaked out. I don't really know how to get past it, but I definitely want to.

 

Thanks for all you help, any advice is welcome lol! Thanks for the cake btw 😂😂

Edited June 16, 2019 by ChilliPepper32

[everywhere and nowhere]

It seems more likely that you aren't asexual. However, it's always up to an individual to decide how they prefer to identify. And even if someone isn't asexual, it doesn't mean that they have to have sex or to be comfortable with sex. There's nothing wrong about being scared. In fact, I am myself sex-averse, I'm just much more at ease about it because for me it crosses into "no longer wanting it" territory - I probably wasn't born asexual, but I am effectively asexual because the result is precisely that: I'm afraid of sex to the point of being unable to want it.

 

A few points I wanted to mention:

4 hours ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

unfortunately it was always two men, sorry for fetishizing

There's nothing to apologise about. It's nobody else's business what you fantasise about. Do only gays and bisexual men "have a right" to fantasise about M-M sex?!

In fact, I too prefer such a combination, even though I'm not romantically interested in men and could never be in a relationship with a man. But still, I find gay sex arousing. I also have a clear impression (and actually, recently my strong adverse reaction to a heterosexual sex scene definitely confirmed my suspicions) that my preference has a lot to do with it being the furthest detached from anything I could personally do - no sex is possible for me in the ordinary meaning, but both lesbian and straight sex is "possible" in the meaning of not being physically impossible - in contrast, gay sex is indeed physically impossible for me because I'm not a man. I only fantasise in third person - even trying to imagine myself in a sexual situation makes me feel short of breath.

4 hours ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

It's getting worse as I'm getting older and find myself still a virgin.

At your age there's really nothing to worry about. I am 38 years old an also a virgin (not "still a virgin", because I don't intend to have sex ever) and at this age indeed, if I decided to change this status (only autoerotic methods could be considered because, again, partnered sex would be way too terrifying), it might be more difficult - if an intact vaginal corona is present at this age, it typically becomes thicker and more stiff, attempts at rupturing it could be yet more uncomfortable or even painful (TMI: judging from what I have checked with my finger - yup, in my case probably "painful" and not just "uncomfortable"). But at 20? There's no difference, really.

But these are relatively minor anatomical details. What matters more is that I in fact believe that most people are psychologically ready for sex at an age closer to 20-22 than 16 or even 18. Some people are never ready and there's nothing wrong with that either. And for the majority that will eventually feel ready at some point - really, there's nothing wrong with waiting. I don't agree with "waiting until marriage" (that is, I don't believe that sex before marriage is wrong - however, I am willing to support those who choose to wait until marriage), but I do believe in waiting until a serious relationship. Sex is a potentially very serious decision. Some people - such as, perhaps, yourself - have a potential for desiring it, but not for being careless about it and easily feeling comfortable enough. For such people it's particularly important that their first time should preferably happen with someone whom they can really trust. It's said that very young men usually pressure their girlfriends (you see why I fear such a significant potential of inequality in different-sex relationships?), that anyway they are likely to drift away once they get what they have wanted... Waiting also allows getting to know the other person better and, hopefully, seeing that it's not a person who only seems to care about getting sex and not a person likely to immediately run away.

So don't worry and, first of all - don't push yourself to try sex. As I wrote, it seems more likely to me that you aren't asexual - however, it would be fair to say that you are a person who doesn't find it easy to feel comfortable with sex. There's nothing wrong with that - in fact, a more apprehensive approach to sex can be protective. Give yourself time, preferably try building a relationship - it may be that in such a context you will feel different. See how it turns out. If you continue feeling anxious about sex, you can worry about it after you have checked out if a relationship changes anything about your feelings. And even then, there always is an option of accepting and embracing your sex aversion.

[ChilliPepper32]

38 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

It seems more likely that you aren't asexual. However, it's always up to an individual to decide how they prefer to identify. And even if someone isn't asexual, it doesn't mean that they have to have sex or to be comfortable with sex. There's nothing wrong about being scared. In fact, I am myself sex-averse, I'm just much more at ease about it because for me it crosses into "no longer wanting it" territory - I probably wasn't born asexual, but I am effectively asexual because the result is precisely that: I'm afraid of sex to the point of being unable to want it.

 

A few points I wanted to mention:

There's nothing to apologise about. It's nobody else's business what you fantasise about. Do only gays and bisexual men "have a right" to fantasise about M-M sex?!

In fact, I too prefer such a combination, even though I'm not romantically interested in men and could never be in a relationship with a man. But still, I find gay sex arousing. I also have a clear impression (and actually, recently my strong adverse reaction to a heterosexual sex scene definitely confirmed my suspicions) that my preference has a lot to do with it being the furthest detached from anything I could personally do - no sex is possible for me in the ordinary meaning, but both lesbian and straight sex is "possible" in the meaning of not being physically impossible - in contrast, gay sex is indeed physically impossible for me because I'm not a man. I only fantasise in third person - even trying to imagine myself in a sexual situation makes me feel short of breath.

At your age there's really nothing to worry about. I am 38 years old an also a virgin (not "still a virgin", because I don't intend to have sex ever) and at this age indeed, if I decided to change this status (only autoerotic methods could be considered because, again, partnered sex would be way too terrifying), it might be more difficult - if an intact vaginal corona is present at this age, it typically becomes thicker and more stiff, attempts at rupturing it could be yet more uncomfortable or even painful (TMI: judging from what I have checked with my finger - yup, in my case probably "painful" and not just "uncomfortable"). But at 20? There's no difference, really.

But these are relatively minor anatomical details. What matters more is that I in fact believe that most people are psychologically ready for sex at an age closer to 20-22 than 16 or even 18. Some people are never ready and there's nothing wrong with that either. And for the majority that will eventually feel ready at some point - really, there's nothing wrong with waiting. I don't agree with "waiting until marriage" (that is, I don't believe that sex before marriage is wrong - however, I am willing to support those who choose to wait until marriage), but I do believe in waiting until a serious relationship. Sex is a potentially very serious decision. Some people - such as, perhaps, yourself - have a potential for desiring it, but not for being careless about it and easily feeling comfortable enough. For such people it's particularly important that their first time should preferably happen with someone whom they can really trust. It's said that very young men usually pressure their girlfriends (you see why I fear such a significant potential of inequality in different-sex relationships?), that anyway they are likely to drift away once they get what they have wanted... Waiting also allows getting to know the other person better and, hopefully, seeing that it's not a person who only seems to care about getting sex and not a person likely to immediately run away.

So don't worry and, first of all - don't push yourself to try sex. As I wrote, it seems more likely to me that you aren't asexual - however, it would be fair to say that you are a person who doesn't find it easy to feel comfortable with sex. There's nothing wrong with that - in fact, a more apprehensive approach to sex can be protective. Give yourself time, preferably try building a relationship - it may be that in such a context you will feel different. See how it turns out. If you continue feeling anxious about sex, you can worry about it after you have checked out if a relationship changes anything about your feelings. And even then, there always is an option of accepting and embracing your sex aversion.

Awww thank you that's an amazing explanation. I think I'll take the advice I've been handed on this post and perhaps attempt to form a relationship beforehand, and see how my uneasiness goes then. 

 

Thank you so much for your help! 

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, ChilliPepper32 said:

Awww thank you that's an amazing explanation. I think I'll take the advice I've been handed on this post and perhaps attempt to form a relationship beforehand, and see how my uneasiness goes then. 

 

Thank you so much for your help! 

I honestly think that really, sex in a relationship should be the obvious default.

I believe that casual sex is wrong, but I obviously won't force other people to accept my views. Still, normalisation of casual sex is indeed harmful for a lot of people. Many people - probably, I would say, even a clear majority - is only fine with sex in some kind of preexisting relationship. Telling people that casual sex is fine leads inexperienced people to try sex in the least safe and stable environments. Furthermore, it contributes to more sexual expectations being placed on people - being single is no longer a good reason to not have sex; in fact, the predominant sociocultural view is that single people are sexually active. (Another reason why I don't like identifying as "single", but rather "Independent Woman" or "proud spinster".) In my opinion people don't even need "a (good) reason" not to have sex, everyone "has a right" not to desire it, regardless of how they might identify. (I'm mentioning this because I would be definitely outraged with a development through which asexuality would become the only socially acceptable reason for being celibate.) But the fact is that society expects people to have sex unless they have a reason for not doing it.

Anyway, never force yourself to do things you are uncomfortable with. Unwanted sex - or just sex while being psychologically unprepared for it - can be a deeply traumatic experience. As a person who is open about having some sorts of sexual feelings and at the same time being fully sex-averse when it comes to a "possibility" of personally having sex, I have somehow decided to take the role of the one who discourages others from having sex:

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Some people may get mad at me for saying this, but I don’t care: I think we should be actively discouraging each other from having sex.

Let people shout their hatred of sex from the rooftops. Let people express their disgust for sex without treating it as an attack on sex-favourable people. And let people say to each other, “Don’t have sex. You’ll regret it.” That’s what I wish someone would have said to me, and I’m willing to bet that many other people need to hear it too.

I want to respect people's decisions, so if someone decides to have sex - regardless of how they may identify - it's their choice and as long as it's indeed a free choice, they deserve to know that there's nothing wrong with that. However, an obvious information imbalance already exists: there are a lot of resources advising people to have sex, even asexuals (the default assumption that asexuals in mixed relationships do/will/should have sex, "aces can have sex!" rhetoric - which is of course technically true, and yet talking too much about it alienates sex-averse people) and - at least outside our community - few resources which remind people that celibacy is a valid choice, that sex really isn't obligatory... I'm trying to fill this gap. I have, fortunately, always been just a proud person, which prevented me from forcing myself to do something I find as intensely frightening as sex. But I have seen aces who decided to have sex - out of sociocultural pressure, feeling of obligation, sense that they "should give it a try" before deciding for sure that they don't want to have sex - and it left them deeply traumatised and regretting. Some people are sex-averse, for some people being ready for sex doesn't come easy - and I don't want to see these people thrown under the bus by blind sex positivity.

[everywhere and nowhere]

11 minutes ago, CBC said:

What evidence do you have that the reason people have sex in unsafe and unstable environments is that they've been told it's fine?

A casual sex environment is less stable and rather gives less feeling of safety than a relationship. So if people are told to try casual sex, are even made to consider a hookup a fine way to start - such is the result.